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find out ahead of time which room the interview will take place in and arrive by crashing through the skylight and rappelling down onto the conference table. if there's no skylight, plan b is the ventilation system, but consider knocking over a lamp or something to add a little of that broken glass pizzazz
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Sep 27, 2016 22:38
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Find out where the interviewer lives and the names of his family. During the interview compliment him on his beautiful wife and children. Be sure to use their names and also express that you think it would be a shame if anything terrible happened to them. This way he will know you are a friendly and caring person who has family values.
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Sep 27, 2016 22:45
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Try day trading instead OP ! Money is guaranteed and you're your own boss. Can even work from the beach.
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Sep 27, 2016 22:46
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Be able to answer abstract analytical questions such as: “How many pound coins can you fit into this room?” “How many petrol stations are there on the M25?” “At the entrance, a tube station has two escalators moving down and one moving up – why?” “How would you move Mount Fuji?” “Give me three reasons why man-hole cover is round.” “How would you value an option on David Beckham?” “How do you cook an elephant?” Be sure to wear flip flops so it makes an impression. Clean under your toenails so they don't smell like toe-jam.
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Sep 27, 2016 22:47
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The Laughing Man posted:Be able to answer abstract analytical questions such as: lol where do you think OP is being interviewed? Narnia? Where do you come up with these crazy names?
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Sep 27, 2016 22:49
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even if you have never done the job before, act like you know everything there is to know about it, and brag about your qualifications. say poo poo like "I knocked out my degree while a member of my college's wolverine-wrestling team." that way they know you can handle adversity even when it draws blood.
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Sep 27, 2016 22:54
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before the interview begins, cut out two lines of cocaine on the desk and offer your interviewer the larger line. this will show that you're a team player
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Sep 27, 2016 22:57
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"Accidentally" leave your fly undone. Smile it up big and unwaveringly and stroke the interviewer's arm before answering each question. Swear your eternal fealty to this, "the best company I've ever heard of." Offer to pay them to work there. Glance at the interviewer's lap and ask if there's "room for one more" under their table or desk. Tell them you don't mind a little overtime every now and then, "if you know what I mean."
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Sep 27, 2016 23:08
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When shaking hands, place your other hand on theirs and use it to two-arm-pump the handshake. It'll show enthusiasm.
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Sep 27, 2016 23:33
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You just need a good resume with references and you're pretty much guaranteed the job. Make sure you call them every day after multiple times to show your interested!! -baby boomer
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Sep 27, 2016 23:54
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The trick is to make an unforgettable entrance: spin into the room like the Tazmanian devil and grind up their desk, chair and all their clothes except for their embarrassing heart-patterned boxers and necktie before blowing a huge raspberry in their face.
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Sep 27, 2016 23:56
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Don't shower for at least four weeks before hand. Make sure all of your clothes are fresh from a dumpster. poo poo on at least 3 different desks.
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Sep 27, 2016 23:57
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Bacontotem posted:Don't shower for at least four weeks before hand. Make sure all of your clothes are fresh from a dumpster. poo poo on at least 3 different desks. Yes this will ensure maximum pheromone saturation. They'll be eating out of your hand before the interview is even started.
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Sep 27, 2016 23:58
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I don't tell many people my secret because it's not as effective if everyone knows about it but here's what you do: Masturbate beforehand op, get a bit jizz on your hand. Rub it in so it's not wet/obvious. When you shake hands with them you will leave a little bit of your 'musk' on them and they will subconsciously be thinking of you for the rest of the day. In the absence of any other explanation they'll assume their subconscious is telling them that you're the guy for the job.
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Sep 27, 2016 23:58
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Nostalgia4Dicks posted:You just need a good resume with references and you're pretty much guaranteed the job. Make sure you call them every day after multiple times to show your interested!! "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" - my mom and stepdad concerning jobs
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Sep 28, 2016 00:07
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not gonna lie. TRUE TALK for a minute. If you are a veteran, and can possibly pull off "assertive but sensitive badass" you should do that because you can get a crazy level of latitude.
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Sep 28, 2016 00:09
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xanax not cocaine, dont be like donald be like 
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Sep 28, 2016 00:13
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I go to interview even though i have a job im just a yuuuuugggggeee fan of saying no to corporate entitties
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Sep 28, 2016 00:15
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amityville anus posted:yuuuuugggggeee *clear throat awkwardly, looks away* we'll get back to you
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Sep 28, 2016 00:22
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you imply that you're not gonna call me back ill get explicit and tell you that im already not planing on answering anyways cause ill be at the job i already have
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Sep 28, 2016 00:25
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3 words. Whip it OUT
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Sep 28, 2016 00:35
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Explain to them that you really need this gig. Your rent is overdue, credit card is maxed out, and your baby mama is suing you for child support.
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Sep 28, 2016 00:59
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When they ask what your weaknesses are, be honest. Follow it up with how you're improving yourself in the areas you're weak.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:02
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After the interviewer invites you in the office ask politely if you can sit in their seat instead, if they say no they will respect you, if they say yes and let you sit in the boss chair then congratulations you now have the legal authority to fire your interviewer and take their job
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Sep 28, 2016 01:04
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Red Suit posted:When they ask what your weaknesses are, be honest. Follow it up with how you're improving yourself in the areas you're weak. This is bad advice. Try to pass a strength off as a weakness, like "sometimes I work too hard" and "sometimes I accidentally crush cars like milk cartons because I am so strong."
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Sep 28, 2016 01:04
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Hiss loudly before releasing your defensive inks, this is likely to confuse them while you make your escape.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:05
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Also, mention that you were 2006's Time person of the year
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Sep 28, 2016 01:06
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Wonderbra
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Sep 28, 2016 01:16
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Apply several different times under several different names. When one of the false names gets invited to talk to the boss, arrive in an elaborate disguise and intentionally throw the interview. Disgust them in memorable ways. For example, tell them you once got a B in junior high, or that you're a Cubs fan. Just make sure your real name gets the last interview, and when you show up as yourself, you'll dazzle them by comparison with all those other losers, and they'll offer you the job on the spot.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:21
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As the interview progresses, you should remove your teeth one by one (note, may require some preparation to loosen them up), and drop them in the candy tray on the interviewer's desk. They'll get it, even if they pretend not to. Just make sure not to get any blood on their clothes or on the furniture. Right quick disqualification if you do.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:24
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You are interviewing them just as they are interviewing you. Have seven to ten questions prepared about the company's purpose, culture, and expectations of the position. Alternatively, neg the interviewer.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:31
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Pro-tip: Be related to someone in a high position in the company or someone who is close personal friends with someone in that position.
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Sep 28, 2016 01:43
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Powered Descent posted:Apply several different times under several different names. When one of the false names gets invited to talk to the boss, arrive in an elaborate disguise and intentionally throw the interview. Disgust them in memorable ways. For example, tell them you once got a B in junior high, or that you're a Cubs fan. Just make sure your real name gets the last interview, and when you show up as yourself, you'll dazzle them by comparison with all those other losers, and they'll offer you the job on the spot. obviously if you do this you should also work in compliments for your true self while interviewing as your false selves, for example after a question about your leadership skills you could be like "you know who's GREAT at that? (actual name)! If I ever interviewed THAT PERSON, I would hire them IMMEDIATELY"
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Sep 28, 2016 02:16
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During the first half of the interview, serve up a piping hot word salad involving as many corporate buzzwords as possible. Do whatever you want in the second half, you've already got the job.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:07
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Please feel free to provide me as a reference. I'll let those stupid fuckers know what's what.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:11
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When arriving for an on site interview you will often be asked to sign in as a visitor at the front desk. Your signature is then cut and pasted onto a form 4506-T. This is so HR can use your financial history to lowball you when it comes time to present an employment offer. The way I get around this? Claim not to have a signature and refuse to sign anything.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:17
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rear end pennies.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:23
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Sniff the interviewer's butt first (only let them sniff yours if you want them to), and nip lightly at the back of their neck if their behaviour irritates you. Asserting dominance in this manner will assert you as a pack leader that is definitely going places.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:36
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hey i went to an intetview today as well the interviewer was distractingly attractive... but it went well. There were no boner incidents
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Sep 28, 2016 13:46
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Throw as many negs at your interviewer as possible and wear a stupid loving hat or something so you stand out from the crowd. e.g: Interviewer: hmm that's an interesting hat! You: thanks, you have an interesting face by which i mean you're horrifically ugly!!! this advice is also good for securing pay raises etc.
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Sep 28, 2016 13:51
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