- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Girlfriend (27f) told me she thinks I (30M) should dump her
quote:u/valley3797824
I'm in pretty bad shape, guys. I need some advice.
GF of 9 months has been a little irritable with me lately, I'd say for around 2 weeks. I am an unusually patient person, though. I rarely get mad or annoyed about anything. But I could tell that she was kind of pushing specific buttons on purpose or being short with me just because she could. Don't ask how I could tell. I just could. But I just let it go. To be honest, I am really in love with her. Really, truly.
Then last night she says she wants to talk and says she is sorry for being so mean lately, but she honestly just wanted to push me. And I'm like why, what is happening, and she says she just wanted to push me to my breaking point so I'll explode. And I said there were some things that bothered me, but it wasn't enough for me to get pissed off. I brush things off pretty easily. And then she started crying and apologizing and said she just can't handle how calm I am.
She said that pretty much all the other guys she's dated never put up with so much poo poo from her. They either exploded or hit her or yelled back at her or cursed at her. And she doesn't know when exactly I'll end up doing that and that fear is worse than what I'll actually do. And I am like devastated. I would never, ever do anything to her. No matter what she did. Even at my worst angry moment in LIFE, all I ever did was walk away to cool down. I'd never hit or yell at a stranger, let alone my own girlfriend.
So I tried to tell her all this and she kept saying I needed to dump her for my own sake. And that she doesn't deserve someone who is as patient as I am. And that I should find a nicer girl. Because she will always feel anxious about when I'll snap "because they always do."
I don't want to do this. I asked her if she still liked me, or if there is any other reason that she wants us to stop and she said no, it's just her issues. So I told her we can go to therapy together if that will help and she did seem to feel a little reassured by that idea.
So - is it selfish of me to keep wanting to date her? I don't know if there is any way to assure her I'd never hurt her... but I think I have been showing her my true self all this time. Is it okay to keep going? Is it actually right to do what she wants me to do? Is that the right thing? I want to help her and support her... I really don't want to break up.
Tdlr: GF has had abusive relationships in the past and kept trying to provoke me for the past 2 weeks. I am not easily angered or annoyed and just figured she was in a bad mood or stressed... she dropped the bomb on me that she was doing it on purpose to see when I'd snap and then said I should dump her because she has too many issues. I don't want to... is it selfish of me to go against that wish? Is it okay for me to encourage her to stay with me and support her?
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Mar 29, 2017 19:09
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May 20, 2024 07:30
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My [34F] boyfriend [32M] believes that the average woman in a relationship initiates sex several times a week by putting on lingerie and getting things started.
quote:u/Zuzus_Petals1946
My boyfriend after over a year of being together suddenly decided to enlighten me that "all" women initiate sex multiple times per week by putting on lingerie and starting sex with a man. In my almost 2 decades of being sexually active I've never heard any guy ever say or expect this. I can't help but feel terrible about this for many reasons and I can't really understand why he's so adamant this is the norm. I'm 100% for lingerie and spicing things up, but my experience with sex on a regular basis has been much more organic.
tl;dr My [34F] boyfriend [32M] believes all woman initiate sex with lingerie every time.
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Mar 31, 2017 07:34
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My (20F) boyfriend (23M) used to be a customer of my sister (22F, exotic dancer)
quote:u/throwaways65432
For the last 3 months I've had a great relationship with a great guy, R, who I like a lot and had wanted to get serious with. Last weekend my sister L was in town visiting and I thought it would be a great opportunity for R to finally meet my family. We went over to my parents (50sM/F) house and hung out for the day. He was very sociable with my parents and they liked him a lot, but I noticed he almost entirely avoided looking at or talking to my sister, which I thought was rude. I asked him why he was so rude in the car on the way home and said he didn't realize he seemed rude and that it was accidental. I believed him. The next day my sister and I get coffee before she leaves, and she tells me R used to come into her job almost every week with his friends and would get a dance from her every time he came. She never gave him any "extra services" and he never asked but there were a lot of lap dances. She hadn't seen him in 7 months, which is the same time he moved to my city. I'm shocked and saddened. I wish she hadn't told me. When I asked him about it he told me it was true and apologized for lying before. He said he didn't know she was my sister and had never even known her real name. I want to believe him but idk. My sister also said he didn't know her name but we look almost identical, like we used to get mistaken as twins before she died her hair. I had also previously told him I had a sister who lives in the town he used to but I never told him her job. Either way it's weird. He's apologized but says I shouldn't be mad at him because it was before we met and he had no idea of the connection. I suppose he's right but it's still so weird...idk how I'll get over it. Honestly I'm not even that mad at him for lying because I just wish I'd never known. How do I get through this?
Tl;Dr My sister is a stripper. Before we met my bf was a regular customer. Idk what I want him to apologize for, but I also don't know if I can proceed.
drat, that's some rotten luck.
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Mar 31, 2017 17:21
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My (17f) Grandpa set up an amazing college fund for me. He passed away last year and now my grandma is telling me I only get the money if I promise to speak out against abortion. This is so crappy I know, but should I just withhold the truth from her?
quote:
u/UofAclassof2021
so I'm graduating high school in a little over a month, I got accepted to the school of my dreams. I was always so close with my grandpa and he set up a college fund for me when I was little, he always wanted me to follow in his footsteps to be a doctor but his only condition was that he'll pay for college as long as I get good grades. I've seen the accounts and they aren't in my name but the promise was I would come to him any time I needed tuition, books, rent, etc... he would write whoever needed money a check.
He was in amazing health and was actually killed while out for a walk by a guy was text-driving. It was devastating to me and I'm still not over it.
Now that it's coming time to pay for school I've tried to talk with my grandma to see if grandpa's offer still stood but that I totally understood that if she needed the money. Shes always been very "blue blood" and cold and I've never been close with her (for example when I became a teenager she used to count her silver spoons after I'd leave to make sure I wasn't stealing them for drugs even though I've never given her a reason to think that).
She said that she would be happy to honor my grandpa's agreement but that I must spend my time on campus "speaking out on the horrors of abortion." She's always been so cold I honestly never knew she cared about this. In that conversation I told her I would because I was taken aback by her request but now that I've had time to think I see how terrible it is. I mean every time I ask for money (that was long ago promised to me) will I need to justify that I've done "enough." Maybe even provide proof that I was at a rally or what not?
I mean I really have to other recourse other than the promise my grandpa made and now my grandmother is honoring but with her conditions. This money means that I can make it through the grad school or my choosing with no debt but are these conditions too much to abide by? If I take the money I'll be dishonest because I'm never going to go on some anti abortion crusade.
tl;dr: My grandma is only willing to give me the money my grandpa promised me for college if I promise to speak out against abortion. I can't do that so what should I do?
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Apr 3, 2017 18:22
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My (30f) fiancée (32m) ~four years. I left because of his coworker. Was I too impulsive?
quote:u/silicasand234
We've been dating for your years, engaged the last six months. Everything was great leading up to the last two months. Living together for two years, have a dog. In the last six months we've falling more and more in love with each other (or so I thought).
His work recently had a few functions in a row, and SOs and spouses are sort of obligated to attend. We've always gone as a couple and people know both of us, I'm friends with the other wives and girlfriends. Sometimes we hang out together and some of the women have a playgroup for their kids. I sometimes go just to hang out. It's really nice.
His company recently hired a few new professionals, and Becca is among them. She isn't very friendly to the wives and girlfriend crowd, she sort of steers clear of us but I've just sort of attributed it to maybe she's reserved and has trouble meeting people outside of work. I don't know. So, she's at all these events but doesn't have a boyfriend so she's always alone. She's VERY pretty and gets on very well with the people she works with, even the women.
The last function we were at, my fiancé actively ignored me the entire time, but he has a lot of time to talk with whatever group that Becca is with. I'll admit it isn't the first time it happened and it's ever since Becca started. We typically go together, he will come home and we'll get changed and have a bite to eat. But recently he's been getting changed at the office and I've had to drive to the functions alone. When we get home (he stays later to wrap things up and then passes out as soon as he gets home and only says "hey babe" and "goodnight".
I've brought it up to him one morning and he get upset with me and told me that he's been stressed from work and that I need to accept that he's not been feeling well. I told him that it's unfair that he's not leaning on me to help him and instead taking his negative feelings out on our relationship. He said that he isn't doing that. I just left it alone.
The other day he told me he was staying late because he and his boss were getting extra work done. I was actually AT his bosses house hanging out with his bosses wife and their kids, but I told him "ok, well I'll see you later on then" I hung up before he could reply. The wife hasn't gotten any call and said her husband gets to work at 7am so he can be home at 6, which was about 15 minutes away. I didn't really want to wait around so I just left.
Then I called my brother and a girlfriend of mine, they both met me at the house and helped me move all my stuff. Brother has a truck and a trailer so we took all the furniture since it's mine: couch, mattress, bed frame, my dresser, end tables, kitchen table, and all the appliances. Girlfriend helped me with clothes and toiletries and small things. We left the dog, he will be missed but I didn't sign his adoption papers.
Fiancé later got home and blew my phone up. Called my step-dad, went to my parents house. I had already called them to let them know that I was leaving and they told him that they had no idea what was going on.
That was about two weeks ago and he's still trying to get in touch with me. I'm staying with my girlfriend, he's never been to her house so he doesn't know where she lives. But I miss him so much and I wish I hadn't done this and I've been thinking about picking up the phone every time he calls. It's just killing me.
TL;DR: I left my fiancé because he was pulling away, ignored me at work functions, was paying a lot of attention to new coworker. But I'm still not sure I did the right thing.
She ghosts her fiancé because he worked late one time.
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Apr 4, 2017 19:15
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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I (28 m) found out my mother (48f) is alive after thinking she was dead for twenty one years, she now has another family
quote:u/toeveryseasonturn
Ok so to put this into context, my parents had a lovely relationship. They got pregnant with my brother at eighteen years of age and had me at twenty years old. My dad was verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive. He was a drunk and abused narcotics. My mom wasn't perfect but she was a great mom. She did everything for my brother Josh and me. The night before my seventh birthday my dad and my mom got into a bad argument, he hit her and then stormed out. My mom told me not to worry I was going to have a fantastic birthday. The next day she left me and josh at home to go get stuff for the party, that was the last time I saw her. She never showed up, my dad came home became infuriated she wasn't home. He got drunk and high and my brother and I cried ourselves to sleep. Two weeks later my father died of an overdose, we went to live with my paternal grandparents who broke the news to us. Not only did our dad die but our mom was dead too.
They did the best job they could raising us, we turned out ok. Josh is currently in the marines, he's married with two boys. We are very close and I'm very proud of my big brother. I went to college, then dentistry school. I've been working in my FIL's practice for a year and when he retires in a few years I'll be taking over for him. I have a wife I adore and a new baby girl. My life is was perfect until my maternal aunt dropped a bombshell on me at a family dinner. She was drunk and therefore her inhibitions were low. She blurted out something about seeing my mother a month ago. I asked her what she was talking about and it all came out. My mother never died, it was an elaborate rouse concocted by my mother, her parents, and her sisters to get her away from my father. Supposedly the plan was she would eventually come back and get us but my aunt said my mom changed her mind. She thought my grandparents could do a better job raising us. Supposedly she went back to school, got her life in order fifteen years ago she met her husband and they have four kids. The oldest is thirteen and youngest is 3. I was both devastated and shocked and to be honest I still am.
My aunt apologized she said it was never their intentions to hurt us. I left with my wife and the next day I face timed josh and told him. He's furious and says he wants nothing to do with her but it's my choice if I want to see her, he won't hold it against me. I honestly don't know what I want. My wife is very supportive and she's been wonderful in all this. I'm not sure if I should call her (aunt gave me her number), what I'll even say.
TL;DR: my mom isn't dead like I thought pretty much for most of my life, she's alive with another family. Should I contact her, or should i do like my brother and forget she ever existed?
drat that's an ice cold momma.
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Apr 5, 2017 07:42
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Pull up, pull up!
My [28M] girlfriend [25F] of two years broke up with me 4 months ago. I just discovered it was because she was sleeping with my coworker. How do I respond?
quote:u/Hks02
Going to try and keep this short because emotions are high:
My girlfriend of two years dumped me about 4 months ago. We had been talking about marriage and moving in together. I was completely distraught at the time. She told me she was breaking up with me because "things were going too well". It was a bullshit reason and I knew it wasn't the truth. I spent the next few months blaming myself, occasionally trying to reach out, and just generally being a mess. This was the first girl I had ever imagined myself marrying.
Today, 4 months later, I finally found out the real reason she broke up with me. My girlfriend dumped me because she had been cheating on me with a coworker - someone who I had confided in after the breakup and who I had relied on to get over her. Now I feel completely lost all over again. This time it's not like the initial breakup. I feel like I've been played for a fool for the past 4 months and I can't believe I didn't realize what the real reason was. I'm incredibly angry and I want to lash out and scream at both of them.
How do I deal with discovering my girlfriend was cheating on me with a coworker and a former friend? My initial reactions are that I want to get the coworker fired so I never have to be reminded of this situation again - but yes I recognize this is dumb. I'm just not sure how to handle these feelings of betrayal. I was just starting to get over her and heal and this has set me back to ground zero.
tl;dr: My ex of two years broke up with me because things were going "too well". Turns out she was actually sleeping with my coworker/friend. Now I can't seem to get past massive feelings of hatred and wanting revenge. How do I deal with this?
drat that's an ice cold co-worker
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Apr 5, 2017 10:01
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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He's a British man of a certain age who is also a father. His muted reaction is fairly normal given that.
And since that Rain story was so depressing, let's have some low level pettiness:
Brother Wedding is day before 1st Anniversary, is it reasonable to be upset?
quote:u/AnniversaryTrouble
Hey Reddit!
My wife and I (both 30) just got married last year. We were looking forward to our 1st anniversary, but now my brother (24) just scheduled his wedding for the day before. It's a shock because last I heard he wasn't even planning on getting married until next year. We live fours away so now we'll be spending alot of our anniversary driving and unpacking.
He then asks if I can be co-bestmen with my other brother. My wife and I both used all our vacation time for our honeymoon this year so we can't take any additional time off for me to even do any best man duties or go to the rehearsal, which I told him. I would have loved to be there for everything, but now I can't and it all is just frustrating.
To be fair to him, his fiancee's (24) parents are paying for most of the wedding and they chose that date for them because it was the cheapest Saturday they could get. So it's not malicious, but I feel slighted against here, while my wife is straight up furious.
This is my brother's first girlfriend, they've been together for a year and half. Neither of us are a fan of her. They still live with their parents, neither has ever had a real job.
Then, there's my mother. She is clearly on his side and brought up disappointment in our eloping that they said previously they were cool with. She then slyly insinuated that my wife made that decision on her own and my anger now is just appeasing my wife. I don't even know how to handle that one.
Am I being unreasonably angry or is it justified? Any advice on how I should approach talking to my family would be most appreciated.
TLDR: Brother scheduled wedding out of nowhere day before anniversary. Can't take off any more time to be his best man and now have to spend our anniversary driving back home from the wedding. Are my wife and I justified in being angry about this?
Thanks!
The eloping is some what of a buried lede. If you elope, people are probably not going to think about your wedding date too much.
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Apr 5, 2017 18:08
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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There's a really depressing one about a woman who has internalised physical abuse. I'm not going to post it, this one made me smile with its meta nature.
My [26m] SO [28F] reads this subreddit and I don't know what to do
quote:u/relationshits4u
Hi /r/relationships,
My [26m] SO [28f] likes to read posts from here and occasionally asks me if a specific post was made by me about our relationship. The answer has always been no! We've been dating for close to 3 years and absolutely love each other. She is an amazing and strong young woman who supports me and encourages me to be the best me I can be. I am so grateful for her patience with me over the past year while I recovered from a concussion and post concussion syndrome. She is the wind to my dragonfly wings and I love her so much!
Anyway, how do I tell my SO that I don't post about us here because I'm perfectly happy with our relationship? Thanks!!
tl;dr my SO thinks I post about us on this subreddit but I don't because we're totally crazy about each other.
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Apr 6, 2017 07:56
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My girlfriend [24F] blames me [29M] for her sister's [20F] death
quote:u/mollywhoop
My girlfriend's sister was addicted to heroin. She was kicked out of her mother's house and needed a place to stay. We were going to let her stay with us, but I made it very clear there would be no drugs in my house. Both my girlfriend and her sister agreed with this stipulation.
The first day she moved in, she said she needed to pick up some things from her mom's house and left. She never came back. They found her dead in a public bathroom, needle still in her arm. My girlfriend was completely devastated. I have tried to comfort her, but she lashes out at me. She says it's my fault her sister is dead because I wouldn't allow her to use in my house. She says she could have saved her if she overdosed here.
I know she is upset and in hurting, I try to cut her as much slack as I can, but it's been a week. What can I do?
TLDR Girlfriend's sister was moving in with us, I told her no heroin in the house. She overdosed in a public restroom. Girlfriend blames me because if she had been allowed to use in the house, she thinks she could have saved her.
Well that relationship is over.
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Apr 6, 2017 18:39
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Pika pika
Me [24F] with my [24M] guy of over a year, I want to break up by ghosting.
quote:u/tenthofnovember
I've been with my guy for over a year now, and even though we spent so much time together, seem to have a great relationship/sex life, have travelled together and know each others families, he has time and time again refused to commit. I've brought up exclusivity and giving our relationship a more serious label sooo many times, but each time he either wants to drop the subject, or says he "wants to keep his options open." This makes me feel disrespected and I try to end our non-relationship relationship, but end up crying and telling him I'll stay because I'll convince myself it's going well without a label, so who needs one...
However, I mentioned it the other day again and broke down when he became angry that I brought it up. I expressed that I felt like I put a lot more effort into our "relationship" than he does. He ended up saying he doesn't want to commit right now and dating other people while he is "with me" is something he wants to keep as an option. Once again, I tried breaking up, but was too upset to do it, and we ended up dropping the issue.
But this problem in our "relationship" has been way too stressful on me lately. I don't want to keep it going any longer, because I know I'll just get more attached while he probably gets less so, and keep putting in more effort, which will lead to heavier heartbreak and regret when it ends. However, I can't seem to end it in person/over the phone as I've tried. What I really want to do is just ghost on him. I want to delete his contact information, block his number, delete and block him on all social media, etc. I just want to cut my losses. I haven't seen him since Saturday, so I feel like right now is my perfect opportunity. As much as I want answers as to why he doesn't feel like he can commit to me (when we are already basically a couple) I know he won't ever provide them.
So is my plan of ghosting a good idea? Is there a chance it will backfire? Is there a better, easier way for me to break up with him? I'm at the point where I feel used and strung along, yet I can't seem to get myself away from this man who doesn't feel the same way about me.
tl;dr: Been seeing a guy for over a year but he refuses to enter a serious relationship/give us a label. I want to break up with him, but whenever I've tried in person/over the phone I just get upset and take it back. I think ghosting (deleting/blocking him everywhere) and cutting my losses could be a good option. Is it?
On the one hand, ghosting isn't a nice thing to do. On the other hand Mr "I want to keep my options open" is a jerk so he's got it coming.
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Apr 6, 2017 18:49
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My wife [26F] told me [28M] she was pregnant as an April Fool's "joke". We're fighting because she got mad at my reaction.
quote:u/cruelestjoak
Neither of us wants a baby right now. We just got married last October after 3 years of dating, and since we only want 1 child we're planning to wait a few years (we know the risks).
For whatever reason, though, she thought it would be a funny April Fool's joke, but what made it so bad was that she did it on the 3rd instead of the 1st so I might believe it was real. She went through this whole elaborate setup and eventually convinced me she was really pregnant.
I could have reacted better to the news. I was pretty bummed to say the least and said some very negative things which I'm sort of ashamed of now. That was actually what ended the "joke". She got so upset that she broke character and really let me have it for not being supportive and understanding.
I see her point in a way, but I think it's unfair for her to get mad at me. 1) Part of the reason I reacted poorly was because this was a surprised for me since we have been on birth control and actively trying to avoid a pregnancy, so it was a surprise. 2) I was upset because I felt blindsided. I didn't have a chance to really think about it. She really played it up to the point where it created that reaction, which is what she wanted. 3) I don't know how she can be mad when this is what she wanted. She wanted to freak me out as a "joke". How can it be my fault when she achieves that end.
She seems to think I owe her an apology for some reason, but even though I know it is a minor thing to do for the sake of peace, I can't bring myself to apologize when I know I didn't do anything wrong. It feels wrong, and I think she's the one who owes me an apology. Joke or not, I think what she did was very inappropriate, but she thinks I'm overreacting a bit.
Who is right, and who is wrong?
tl;dr: My wife told me she was pregnant as a joke. I reacted poorly and that upset her. She thinks I should apologize and make amends for being "unsupportive", but I think she's the one who owes me an apology for playing a cruel joke and messing with my head the way she did. Who is right and who is wrong?
It was just a prank zygote bro.
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Apr 7, 2017 08:14
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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I wish i was addicted to something
it sounds fun
Come play 40K my lord.
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Apr 7, 2017 08:18
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My parents (60+) want me (25F) to pay off my sister’s (32F) debt
quote:u/sister_in_debt
Throwaway because some relatives know my reddit account. Let me give some context to this first. My sister Monica and I have never been particularly close growing up. Not just because of the age difference but we’re kind of different people as well. In short my sister is an extrovert with impulse tendencies and I’m an introvert who has never caused any fuss really.
When Monica was 18 she got pregnant, right after finishing high school. The dad was her boyfriend, who was a couple of years older with a job but still lived at home, but shortly before the baby was born he moved in with us. My parents 100% supported Monica in this and didn’t raise any objections, so for 3 years we all lived under the same roof, and I still remember how stressful it was to live with a baby, especially a newborn one. Don’t get me wrong I love my niece but I spent so much time at my friends place instead because I didn’t wanna get home to all the turmoil after school.
Monica didn’t get any job, not even when they decided to buy a house. And since her boyfriend didn’t earn enough money, my parents had to co-sign on the house loan. Then about a year after that they decided to get married, and Monica fully took advantage of the tradition that the bride’s parents should pay for the wedding. And it was no small wedding either. I don’t have any clue how much it cost, I just know that Monica’s dress was $2000, even though the one she really wanted was $3300.
So for years I have watched Monica live and do as she pleases while she uses my parents as a safety net in case she’s short for money. Buy a car she can’t afford? Parents chip in. Spontaneous trip to Disney Land? Parents pay. Niece wants a Nintendo for christmas? Grandparents got it covered. I’ve never even heard my parents properly address my sister’s poor handling of money.
Me, on the other hand, have done everything in my power to be as independent as possible without being a burden on my parents. I lived at home during college to save money, took a weekend job to pay for my school tuition, and didn’t move away from home until I was 23. (My parents were kind enough though to let me live at home for free, bless them) Today I have a job that pays well and live a comfortable life with my boyfriend.
I haven’t paid much attention to Monica’s life, instead focusing on my own, but it was recently brought to my attention that she is on the verge of facing bankruptcy apparently? The debts have piled on, they can’t pay the house loan, she takes new loans to cover old ones…. And she STILL doesn’t have a job! She filed for disability some time ago and actually got approved. I have no idea what her disability is supposed to be, except that she’s severely obese. (Not trying to be mean, just pointing it out) Her husband has also threatened with divorce, reasons unknown for me.
So now we’re up to speed. My parents can’t take any more loans, so now they want me to take one to cover Monica’s ever growing debt. And I’m furious that they’re even asking! Monica has always done whatever she pleases without facing any consequences, while I’ve tried my best to be responsible. I know she’s my sister but part of me resents her out of jealousy. I think sometimes how nice it would be to have a big wedding, kids and a 3 bedroom house, and that dream would be significantly further away in the future if I have to save my sister’s economy.
I haven’t given any response to this yet, I just told my parents I would “think about it”. How can I even trust that Monica will take some responsibility this time? The only reason I would help her is for the sake of my niece, because I don’t want her to suffer for her mom’s poor spending habits. I feel I’m too emotional right now though and would appreciate an outsiders perspective on this matter. Thoughts?
TL;DR: My sister Monica has throughout her life relied on my parents for financial support, but they can no longer support her, and now my parents want me to cover her enormous debt. I don’t know whether to help her.
Wowsers.
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Apr 10, 2017 18:04
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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This feels like one of those scams where the person is after money, but if not, the husband is scum for forcing sex two weeks after an emergency c-section - amongst many other examples of scummery.
My (f19) husband (m23) and I already have a child together. I'm pregnant again way too soon. Husband is against me having an abortion
quote:u/burnafterreading37
My husband is my high school sweet heart. We met when I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. we dated all through out high school and got married two weeks after I graduated. We also have a gorgeous 13 week old daughter who is the light of my life. I had some pretty serious depression during my pregnancy. My doctor took me out of work because I was puking so much, I lost almost 15 pounds in the first trimester. My doctor didnt feel like it would be safe for me to work at all while pregnant so for the entirety of my pregnancy I felt like a useless sack of crap. While I was pregnant, the company I had worked for went under and every one got fired or laid off. My husband made me feel so crappy during my pregnancy because I couldn't work even though I had some savings put back to pay my share of the bills. I had a really stressful pregnancy but thankfully my delivery went easy and our daughter was born healthy. I ended up having to have an emergency c section and in the recovery room, he had the nerve to ask me for a hand job because he was "bored"
Two weeks after our daughter was born, he wanted to try having sex. I didnt feel like I was ready but I wanted to make him happy so we tried. He ended up getting frustrated and calling me disgusting for not being wet enough to enjoy it. We tried several more attempts and were eventually able to have sex despite it hurting me so much. I knew he was stressed from being the sole provider so I didnt say anything and just let him have his way
At my daughter's 8 week check up, I started feeling like crap. Light headed and dizzy. The smell of hand sanitize made me nauseous. After we got back home I decided to take a pregnancy test because when I was pregnant with my daughter, the first signs I had was hand sanitizer making me nauseous. The test came back positive and I freaked out internally. I struggle as it is to make sure my daughter has enough diapers for the week. I didnt (and still don't ) want a second child so soon
I planned on talking to my husband about every thing and exploring our options. I wasnt even sure if I wanted any more children because our daughter is NOT an easy baby. Im the one who gets up with her at night to feed her and change her diapers. Shes never slept through the night. I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I was 6 months pregnant. There have been times where my husband has locked us out of the bedroom because I couldnt "settle her fast enough". I honestly thought that because our daughter can be such a difficult baby at times, my husband would be supportive of what ever decision. I was pretty wrong
He at first accused me of lying to him about being pregnant, but when I showeed him the pregnancy test, he told me I couldnt kill our daughter's sibling. thay she deserves to have a sibling and if I "killed our baby" he would make sure I regretted it and even threatened to call cps on me
Every time I tried to talk to him, he would stop me and tell me to shut the gently caress up. He just kept getting louder and louder and was scaring our daughter so I asked him to leave. He did but slammed the door to our apartment so hard he knocked several pictures off the wall. I was really scared and didnt feel safe there. I was scared he was going to come back and yell even more so I called the non emergency police line and told them what was going on. They told me they couldnt do anything because it was a civil matter and I was given the number to a domestic violence shelter. I called them too and they cant take in anyone until next week. The person i spoke to told me she hoped I could resolve this issue with my husband before taking any drastic measures
I just know I dont want to have another child so soon. My own doctor has advised me to NOT go through with this pregnancy because it is so soon after my daughters birth and my body hasnt fully healed yet. I still have hemorrhoids that havent healed completely from my first pregnancy. A lot of my friends and family side with my husband and refuse to support me in any way besides keeping this pregnancy which can really mess me up. No one but me and my doctor seems to understand how dangerous this is for me to have a 2nd kid
I'm really scared I wont be able to have an abortion. I'm svcared I'll have to go through with a pregnancy I don't want. My savings are gone, I dont have my own way of getting anywhere. I feel like I have ZERO support. I know i cant handle 2 kids barely a year apart right now and I know my time is running out. I'm so scared for my husband to find out about this because he would never forgive me and make my life so much more difficult than it already is
I really need your help reddit. How do I get my husband to support me on this?
tl;dr: Husband and i already have a 13 week old daughter. I'm in my first trimester of a 2nd pregnancy. I know I cn't handle 2 kids so close together and want to terminate. No one supports me, not even my husband. Feeling very alone, scared and in all honesty, not all that safe staying with my husband until this issue is taken care of. I need help and advice on how to resolve this problem
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Apr 11, 2017 18:21
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Buried lede in this one. I pity the husband.
I'm [27/f] happily married [27/m] for over a year and beginning to have strong feelings for my coworker
quote:u/monkaann
My husband is amazing. He's everything I could have asked for; supportive, sensitive, caring, loyal. The thing is that I've been deeper in love and I don't have all that much fun with him. I've had an ex that I know I've loved more than him but it didn't work out. Now I've begun to have a fun exciting friendship with a coworker, we'll call him Pete. Pete and I spent some time outside of work together and it was just so much fun. I've tried to goof around with my husband but we just don't have that kind of connection.
Many people at work joke about our relationship and say Pete and I are secretly in love with each other. I'm pretty blind when it comes to people liking be but I'm sure Pete has some kind of feelings for me.
Now time for the plot twist, my husband is open to me seeing other guys. I just think that if I take that step there is no going back. What if it ruins my marriage? What if I fall in love with Pete? How would that be fair to Pete? And should I tell Pete, "hey, you know I'm in an open marriage  "?
When I'm around Pete all I want to do is kiss him and when he texts me my heart skips a beat. I've never felt these things with my husband, even in the beginning of our relationship.
I don't know if these feelings will pass or if I'm going to miss out on something great.
tl;dr: my husband said we can have an open relationship and I'm falling for a coworker but I don't want to make the wrong move.
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Apr 12, 2017 19:45
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My [22M] gf [21F] drained our joint account to pay her tuition
quote:I have been dating my gf since we were in high school, about 7 years. We both just graduated and are moving to another far away city for her to start graduate school. She found a great deal on student housing so we are moving in to an apartment in a student housing complex near her campus. She is the only person on the lease, I'm technically not supposed to live there since I'm not a student.
Before we moved she started talking about thinking about our wedding. I got all excited--I had been wanting for us to talk about getting married for years. Earlier in college I had tried to talk about it and she said it was too soon, and that once there is a ring on her finger we can discuss it. She also wouldn't tell people that we planned on getting married--just that we were dating and didn't have any plans of breaking up anytime soon. This really upset me because I though that we had been dating long enough to justify telling people we were getting married.
A couple years ago I was going through a bit of a financial rough patch. Her family has always been supportive of me when my family has not. They gave me a job and have provided me with many of the things I need. I was recently on my own and scared about money, so I asked her if she wanted to merge together our bank accounts so that we both had financial security (I still had a job at the time). She said no, her parent's probably wouldn't approve of it, which I understood so I let it go.
We just moved in to our new apartment. She's working 80 hours a week until school starts to save money, and I just got a new job here. She asked if we could merge accounts to make paying bills and such easier, and I agreed. We merged accounts and I immediately transferred all my money to the account. She said she had set up her direct deposit from her jobs so that they would deposit into our shared account.
I checked the account earlier today and all my money is gone, with the exception of a few odd dollars. I immediately called my gf and asked where the money had gone and she said that she had used it to make a payment for her grad tuition.
I am in shock. I have no other money of my own, regardless of whether i stay or leave.
tl;dr: Girlfriend used all of my money to pay her tuition
I think my chief complaint is that he thinks you can tell people you're getting married whilst not being engaged. The quotes are good on this one:
quote:
did she say when she intended to pay you back?
No. She said that she's supported me for a long time, and that now she needs support too.
quote:
Then I would ask how she plans on replinishing what she spent on her tuition.
She said she's not going to. That her tuition counts as "our bills" since we want to get married.
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Apr 13, 2017 22:34
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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[21/M] broke up with my girlfriend [21/F] and my roommate went over to her house.
quote:u/Aggie_Bruh
So the second day after our breakup she texted one of my roommates if he liked wine. I was shown by him, which I thought was a nice gesture, and forgot about it. That night though, he went to Walmart, but I didn't think anything of it. Last night my ex texted me to come over so I did, we finally sealed the deal (had breakup sex) and talked a lot about stuff. Well she told me that he actually did go to Walmart that night, but afterwards he went over to her house. She claims nothing happened, but I don't know. Do I have the right to be upset with my roommate? I'm afraid I'm going to get drunk one night, call him out on it, and poo poo is going to hit the fan. I'm needing some advice here.
TL;DR I broke up with girlfriend of 2.5 years and roommate went over to her house 2 days later.
This is all pretty middle of the road, but having sex doesn't seem to me to be the best way to "seal the deal" of a breakup. I'm a bit of a prude compared to many though.
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May 3, 2017 19:03
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Long but worth a read.
I [24 F] Feel Like I Ruined My Husband's [27 M] Life And Another Woman Wants To Replace Me
quote:u/paintawoman45
Please read the whole post. I really need advice and help and am thankful ahead of time.
My husband and I married two years ago. When we met, my husband was a very hardworking person working 90-100 hour workweeks in a startup and in real estate. We met at a nice restaurant (I was there with my friend and her boyfriend) and he was with one of his friends. He was very sweet to me and we started dating and I felt loved around him since he always made time for me out of his hectic schedule and valued our dates over parties/get-togethers he could have attended.
Before we married, I told him that I wanted a husband who'd spend time with me and that I was the kind of girl who wanted to be a housewife (I've always dreamed of being a housewife and was so happy to hear from his friends that he was looking for a housewife). I told him if he wanted to marry me, he'd have to work less and have a reliable schedule so I could have things like dinner ready for him or talk to him after work. Hee decided to cut his work hours in half (40-50 hour workweeks) and he soon married me and I was very happy. I knew he valued and loved me since he left his very active lifestyle and chose me.
About 11 months ago, my husband started slowly adding more work to his days and weeks. He wakes up at 4:30am every morning and goes to sleep at 10:30 every night now. I don't wake up with him anymore and he's awake about an hour after I go to sleep. He started coming home until 8:30-9:30pm when I always had his dinner ready at 7:00pm and sometimes I didn't even see him once for days.
About three-four months ago, a woman moved next door and began talking to my husband (my husband has free time during the weekends which is when I get to spend time with him) and she's a very beautiful Cuban woman (I'm white and my husband is Latino). She always dismisses me and when she talks to me, it's only so I can tell my husband something for her. She started hand delivering homemade food (very Spanish oriented which I don't know how to make) to his work and touches him and giggles a little too much. Any woman can obviously see that she's trying to entice him and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and hurt. My husband is 100% not cheating on her with me and I don't think he sees through her like I do and acts the same friendly and strong way he does to any woman or man. We live right next door and when my husband says he's working, he is as I can literally see her at her house or coming back with groceries.
The other week, I was visiting my parents in Texas and when I got back, our home was spotless. I always make sure our house is clean but she did a stunning job. When I asked my husband about it, he said she offered to clean the house and he gave her a spare key to the house. She drops off food now everyday to his work and our home and my husband doesn't eat my meals I made him with love anymore. I never made him lunch (he usually just eats a piece of fruit) and now she's doing intimate things (like bring him fresh food to his work) his own wife doesn't do! His coworkers know her now better than they know me and that really upsets me. I feel like making food and hand delivering it or cleaning my husband's home is such an intimate thing for a woman to do and I'm sure my husband is without knowing it feeling closer to her everyday. A woman he just met has our house key!
She acts very cold with me and clearly is setting my husband up to steal him from me. She can carry on a conversation about his work better and longer than I can (her brother works in tech like my husband) and even though she's a secretary she knows a decent amount about it (I know hardly anything about tech or home investing). My husband always calls me "sweetie" everywhere (during sex, saying goodbye, etc.) and she calls him something in Spanish (I don't know what it means and my husband hardly speaks Spanish) and that really bothers me since I should be the only woman who calls him anything other than his name.
I feel like I may have ruined his life by marrying him. He was working so hard and had such a big future ahead of him and I feel like he gave it all up for me. He started working more and now I feel like I'm losing him though work and that he might go back to his huge work schedule (he's working about 60-65 hour weeks now with occasional streaks of 12 hour workdays) and now this woman is doing more for him emotionally and physically than I even do. I sometimes feel like he regrets marrying me even though he never has done or said anything that should make me feel that way.
I don't know how to feel about any of this and feel like our marriage is falling apart. There's almost no arguing and I do everything for him and am always here for him but I feel like I'm not the woman he needs or wants sometimes. He always makes me feel special and even now despite him pumping up his hours without even asking me about it, he still spends time with me and takes me out and tells me thank you and that he loves me. I don't know if I'm overreacting or what. He said he wants to start having babies and a family and I'm 100% ready but am afraid that our marriage is in danger or that he may want her or another woman who does a better job at caring for him than I do.
I don't know what to do or what steps I should take. How do I make sure that my husband feels extra loved and treasured by me? What can I do that lets him know that I want and need him? I feel so heartbroken right now.
TL;DR My husband is beginning to work a lot and a woman moved next door and is acting like his "wife" (cleaning, cooking, etc.) and I feel like I might lose my husband to work or this woman who clearly my husband thinks does a better job at being a housewife than I am. We want to start a family but I'm feeling like our marriage is in danger of breaking. I feel that by being married, I deprived my husband of a bigger future and that he might want to leave me one day for that future instead of a future with me.
He's definitely cheating on her already right? Also workaholics never change their spots so that was a mistake too.
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May 3, 2017 22:02
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Content.
My boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) are like an old couple and I wonder if this is how it should be...
quote:u/oldpeople1010
We've been together 5 years. We moved in together in August and currently share a 400 square foot studio apartment, in a very exciting city. He works a really busy job, I'm in graduate school. I love him a lot, but I can't help but feel that something's missing.
BF leaves every morning for work around 7:30. I leave half an hour later. I get home at 4 or 5, he gets home at 6 or 7. I take care of all chores and cooking, so he just has to relax. We'll spend a little time together watching game shows or talking, and we'll eat together if we're free. I do homework and he catches up on work. We're in bed by 10 or 11 at the latest. This is our routine every day. On weekends I have a part time job and a hobby, and he plays video games or catches up on work. Once every couple weeks we'll have a lunch date or go for a walk. And that's pretty much it. We have friends and colleagues that go out to eat or to nightclubs and stuff, but neither of us have the energy most of the time.
Sex is another facet of this. We have sex maybe once a week, sometimes less. It's the same thing every time. We have experimented but haven't found anything that sticks. Most of the time I just prefer to masturbate. He seems really tired most of the time.
I'm fine with how we live but I feel like we're in our 50s rather than our mid 20s. People expect we're living a really fun, cosmopolitan life when we're probably sleeping or watching Jeopardy. There are times where I love staying in, but sometimes I just feel a bit trapped. Occasionally I go out with some friends from grad school, but then there's no one to cook for BF or make sure he's ok after work, when I know he'd love someone to spend time with.
Is our relationship normal or are there things we can do to fix it?
tl;dr: Getting a bit bored of my relationship and lifestyle. Any way to fix things?
Might as well get used to it.
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May 4, 2017 21:08
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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More content.
Me [25F] with my boyfriend [26M] of 4 years, opened our relationship and that is changing our lives
quote:u/openldrproblems
My boyfriend and I have been together ever since we met in my sophomore year of college. We lived together for most of the time in college and after.
I started a PhD program after college and he started working in the same city. We lived together during the first year of my PhD program.
The thing is I got an exciting internship with a professor out of the country in his research lab. As a result I have been staying in Europe since February. My internship lasts one year.
Boyfriend and I discussed this and since we already established the foundation, we decided to do an LDR for this duration. After a month or so, he was supposed to meet me in Europe but he canceled due to work commitments.
We had a conversation in March where he suggested we open the relationship. LDR was new to both of us and it was making us feel lonely and somewhat miserable. Though we kept in touch a lot on WhatsApp, it was not the same.
Fast forward, I met this guy who I saw casually and soon became my FWB. I kept my BF updated on this and told him when I was first going on a date with him. He was cool and asked me to go ahead.
The thing is he is starting to ask for more than necessary details. Initially he was asking if we had sex and how often. I told him that I can share details on how often we met but it was making me uncomfortable to give him all the details. He said, he understood but what is harm in telling him when he is my BF.
My FWB is kind of dominant and he made me realize my submissive side. I told my BF that he is dominant and did not share more details. Now he wants to know what kind of acts that we engaged in.
We had an argument over this and BF admitted that he kind of gets of on hearing what I do with my FWB. I am shocked and also very confused with where we are heading after opening our relationship. I am looking for advice on navigating this.
tl;dr: Opened relationship with boyfriend while in LDR, met FWB, changed relationship.
Berth el pup, open relationships, Dom/sub. It's the rare triple threat.
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May 4, 2017 21:14
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Narcissist:
Me [33f], have fallen in love with another man and need advice on whether to leave my husband[30m].
quote:u/Thrownaway3355
Here is the situation: I've been married to this man for 6 years. No kids. We relocated to a new city a few years ago for his job. At my new job I met another man, who I have fallen deeply in love with. I know this is super cliche and I can hear your groaning through the web, but it's true. I have been having an affair for almost 2 years.
I understand the statistics, and I understand all the things people say that are in this situation. The fact is that I think I would rather be with this man. Aside from the sex being everything I've ever wanted, he is exactly like me. Our interests and personalities for each other match SO much better. We have vastly more fun together, even doing the most mundane stuff. I think my life would be much better with this man.
My husband is an amazing guy. He is everything you could want in a husband. He's nice, caring, a hard worker, and he takes care of me. We get along great, hardly ever fight. The issue is that the sex is seriously lacking, both in frequency and quality. We also don't share a lot of the same interests. It almost feels like we are room mates. We get home and spend most of our time doing separate things.
Honestly, when I met my husband and we dated for a long time, I had never thought that I could find someone better. I thought this was the best relationships got. I didn't think I could find someone that I could connect with so deeply on so many things. I simply didn't know it existed.
Here are my concerns: 1. As silly as this may sound, I am terribly afraid that my husband will not be able to find anyone in this area if I leave him, and I'm worried that he will be unhappy the rest of his life and it will all be my fault. Not to mention that I would be leaving him completely out of the blue and I already have someone to fall back on and he doesn't. I desperately do not wish to hurt him. 2. We have shared pets that we both care deeply about. I don't think I could leave them solely with him, or take them permanently. 3. I love his family, and they have done SO much for me, and taken care of me. I couldn't imagine how awful it would be to throw that in their faces by destroying their son emotionally. 4. If I leave, I am not sure I could live with myself. I'm not sure if I could even enjoy my new life over the guilt of doing that to my husband.
Please give me some perspective. I need help. If you have gone through this please let me know your thoughts.
Also, I know how this sub is. I know there are a lot of people who have been cheated on and hurt, and people who despise cheaters more than anything on the planet. I know the things that you guys are going to say. I know you are going to tell me what an awful piece of poo poo I am and how horrible I am. I get it. But I'm legitimately seeking help and advice and that stuff simply isn't going to help.
tl;dr I am having an affair, and don't know if I should leave my husband.
From the comments:
quote:quote:I guess I should add that I think he is very happy with me and our relationship. This is one of the things that makes it so hard.
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May 8, 2017 18:57
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Me (31M) and my fiancé (29F) are getting married and decided not babies at the reception. My family is very upset over my nephew (1M) not being invited. How can I deal with them without making things worse?
quote:u/IntentionallyLost1
My lovely future wife and I are finally going to tie the knot this summer. We decided, due to limited seating at the reception, to implement a no baby policy. Many of our invitees have young babies and most have been understanding in our request, although some were upset.
My sister and her husband have a 1 year old son, Brad. Now, we love this little guy and he is even our ring bearer during the ceremony. Originally, she had said that husband's brother and his SO would watch him during the reception. However, when I brought it up again recently, she said she no longer felt comfortable with that arrangements because Brad cried last time he was with them and if he wasn't allowed to come, then she wouldn't go either.
Now this obviously upset me and my fiancé, and it was left as that for a couple of weeks now. Today I spoke with my dad, and he told me that my two sisters and mom have all been talking very negatively about our wedding and are all extremely upset that I would exclude a member of our family from the wedding.
The truth is I would be happy to have him invited to the reception, but it would feel hypocritical to say no babies to everyone and then allow only one. I also feel as though all three (sisters & mom) are not being very fair to us. I feel as though this is our day and our request is not unreasonable. I would like some outside perspective since I do not know how to deal with my family about this without becoming angry and further straining the relationship.
Tl;dr: No babies allowed at our wedding. My mom and sisters are super upset my nephew isn't invited. Do not know how to deal with them.
It's their wedding, but it's a bit weird asking him to the ceremony to be the ringbeater but not the reception.
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May 10, 2017 18:50
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Great username
Me [17F] with my Rabbi [60sM] I think he crossed a line/boundary and I am not sure how to proceed.
quote:u/jewcrew_throwaway
I began seeking conversion to Judaism about a year ago and quickly found my current congregation and met my Rabbi. I have now been officially working with him for about eight months and the studying portion of my conversion is already complete, the only thing left are a few rituals that are mostly a formality.
The Rabbi in question is the senior Rabbi (we'll call him Rabbi R), and there is only one other at my congregation who is the junior Rabbi. [40s/M] It is worth noting the senior Rabbi is the interim Rabbi for my congregation which means he is only the senior Rabbi for a few years until they find a permanent replacement.
Anyway, I recently celebrated a special occasion and Rabbi R wanted to take me out to lunch to celebrate. We have formed a close bond during the past 8 months as a conversion requires lots of close study with a Rabbi- so this didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. At lunch we begin talking about his wife, and I ask him what the secret is to a long and happy marriage. He quickly launches into talking about how compromise is important, etc. He then says "Well, I'm not sure how personal you want me to get." I, thinking he's going to tell me a sweet or heartwarming story or something of the like, say "Oh sure, go ahead."
Boy, did I regret that.
He then launches into a long-winded, detailed speech and description of their sex life, talking about how he has a voracious sexual appetite and she does not, she leaves him unsatisfied, and how now they only have an agreement that they only have sex when she wants it, etc etc. He then goes on to tell me more things of that nature, and how is wife told him a few years ago that if he "needed to go outside of the marriage to have his needs met she wouldn't care as long as he was discreet" He said he'd never done this because he hadn't found anyone with whom he had a "deep enough connection". At this point I thought it couldn't get any worse, and was I wrong.
He then goes on to say how much he's going to miss me when I leave in the fall (heading off to college), and that "if he was fifty years younger we would probably be attracted to each other" and that he "thinks about that a lot". GROSS!
This entire time I'm just nodding my head and acting like I'm not repulsed and freaked out by what is happening, and try to change the subject multiple times. He ignores me and continues talking about his sex life. I eventually excuse myself to go to the bathroom to text my friend about what was happening, and when I come back he says he hopes he didn't "scandalize" me and how he has only ever told three or four people about this problem in his life. What possessed him to talk about this with his seventeen year old conversion student and not a friend or a therapist loving baffles me.
I played it cool until we left, but now I'm at a complete loss. I suppose I could say something to the junior rabbi about it, but I don't know how I would get him alone without Rabbi R knowing. I do trust the junior Rabbi and felt like I've always had a very safe and appropriate relationship with him, albeit not nearly as close as with Rabbi R. I don't think the junior Rabbi and I have ever been alone together. I am extremely reluctant to say something about what happened because I did agree to let him "get personal" with me and because I absolutely hate being a whistle blower in this situation. I am very angry that I was even put in this position and I'm extremely uncomfortable. I want to finish my conversion because I have worked really hard to get where I am, and if I switched to another Rabbi I would have to start over which could take another year.
I have no idea where to go from here, any insight would be appreciated.
tl;dr: My Rabbi got really sexual with me, an underage conversion student, and I'm not sure how to move on from here.
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May 10, 2017 19:02
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Denial
I [28/F] was a sugar baby in college. It is what it is but my friends, family and fiance [27/M] have all had a hard time dealing with it.
quote:u/4PotS
*** TL;DR at End***
Back in college, I needed cash and between loans and a little job, I was drowning. A friend hooked me up with someone who knew of a guy who was a "sugar daddy" [50s/M] looking for his "baby." I pretended to be his girlfriend at functions. We'd "date" and have time "together" every now and then. He would ply me with cash - never gifts. I could then pay my bills and stay in college. I was a sugar baby for this guy for 3 years - almost until graduation. He and his wife [50s/F] had an "open marriage" (that they eventually closed) and sometimes our dates would include her + her boyfriend. He gave me a lot of money, great information but we decided to end it. I wanted out of the situation. He and his wife wanted to close their marriage, so it just sort of ended.
So, I gave it up and moved on. My parents always had a problem with it (and I get it). They thought I was prostituting myself for money. Sure, but they wouldn't help with a cent for school, my father's fake old world attitude meant I had to sink or swim. Out of 4 girls, I'm the only one that graduated university because I am the only one who could get the resources together. He wouldn't help with loan applications, nothing, so I had to take drastic measures.
At 24, I met my current SO - my fiance Thomas. Thomas was 23, a struggling salesman at the time and all sorts of a mess. His shoes smelled, he would routinely destroy sweaters by putting them in the dryer; he was constantly broke. I certainly wasn't dating him for money. But, things progressed and he eventually went back to school, earned a graduate degree and landed an amazing job. He does really well for himself, makes great money and can afford to buy new shoes. When we got together, he was broke, I paid on many of our dates, I bought him clothes and when we first moved in together, I paid rent.
We got engaged this past year. He knows about the sugar daddy and has asked precious few questions about it. I can fully respect that and don't particularly want to talk about it. Not that long ago, Thomas and I went to dinner and during our meal my former Sugar Daddy stopped by the table to say hi. He was with his wife who also said hi. We spoke for a second, my former sugar daddy told my SO that I was a great person and left (paying our bill, unbeknownst to us). This precipitated a stupid conversation about what this former relationship involved, how it came to be, things we did and how it ended. All-in-all, I would rather have not talked about it, but I did and I regret saying too much. I answered a few bedroom related questions and offered some details. Both things were a mistake. It was awkward but we're not fighting about it.
I told my sister (my closest confidant) about what transpired and she lamented that "prostitution can haunt you." I've never considered what I've done to be prostitution, but apparently she and my whole family thing what I did is prostitution. That stung, so I went back to my SO and dredged it back up and got him to discuss it again (another massive mistake). He, too, feels it's quasi prostitution and something he would never tell anyone outside of our relationship.
I wish I had never said anything, or dredged it up, because since then, our relationship has been... flat. Before the discussions, we had an active sex life, we joked all the time and were really open with one another. Now, he's more reserved, we haven't had sex in more than 2 weeks, and where as before he was a grabby/touchy fellow, now he's very hands-off. If I offer sex, he'll make an excuse - a cold, not feeling well, etc. I've tried to reassure him about our sex live, but to no avail.
How can I undo this so that we can have our old active sex life without the baggage of past people/"prostitution"?
tl;dr we bumped into my old sugar daddy who paid for our dinner. That beget a conservation that beget another conversation with my sister. She used the word prostitution which made me go back to my SO. That conversation destroyed our sex life and I want to put the genie back in the bottle and get back to enjoying our previous sex life, which was great. I messed up and need help.
How to destroy a man: Pay for his meal after paying for his girlfriend.
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May 16, 2017 19:23
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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She does the right thing in the comments. Title undersells it, have bolded parts
Fiancé(27m) overstepping my(25f) boundaries when it comes to my child(3m)
quote:u/Whoamimarrying
Obligatory this is a throwaway.
Quick timeline: My fiancé, Paul, and I have known eachother since i was 14. We met in foster care with our foster parents being best friends. We lost cintact after he aged out of the system at 18.
At 19, I met my childs father. At 22, my child was born. At 23, my childs father left us. 6 months later, i reconnected with Paul after a chance meeting(he delivered my pizza). I gave Paul my number and we started going on dates. Right after i turned 25, Paul and i moved in together and got engaged.
Important info:
My childs father and i have a good relationship and coparent wonderfully. His father is getting married to a wonderful woman who he has a child with and they have our child almost every weekend(father has weekends off). We also have a weekly dinner and child goes with him some evenings for family activities that i occasionally join. We spend holidays as one big family. Our rules are the same at both homes aswell as punishments.My childs father is pretty much my best friend. Paul has been apart of all of this from the beginning and has always said he loves how we can do that for our child.
Problem:
Up until this point, Paul knows that his imput on my child is welcome but ultimately, childs father and i have final say. Paul is another parent in my childs life and he acts like it.
Here recently, Paul has started blantlenly overstepping boundaries. At first it was little things like "forgetting" rules. Then it gradually escilated from "i dont see why child has to spend so much time with father" to "childs not going to event with father" to "his father doesnt get a say on what happens in our home. He walked out. He shouldnt get a right to child" straight to "i dont care what you say, im going to adopt child and father wont be in the picture anymore"
Hes also started trying to add rules for my child and punishing my child for little things(ex. Popping him on the butt when he is sitting up in bed instead of laying). Hes trying to demand things like a say in my childs medical care(childs doctor mainly) or which school my child is going to go to(father and i picked a fantastic school rightnext to his work where he will do pick up and drop offs).
The most recent thing is telling me what i saydoesnt matter, he makes the rules and he expects them to be followed.
Everything is great with Paul except when it comes to parenting and hes been apart of our family long enough that he knows how i expect things to be when it comes to my child. Its gotten to the point where i havent been home for a few days. My child and i are staying at his father and step mamas house.
Tdlr; Fiancé majorly overstepping boundaries when it comes to my child. Suddenly thinks he's "daddy" and the only parent my child has. What do???
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Jun 14, 2017 21:51
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My GF [40F] asked me [38M],if she was the last woman I could see myself having sex with.
quote:u/LikeYouNeverHadWings
It was asked so casually but for me it caused an instant short circuit. I was on my break and it was asked on a whim and became a total twix moment. There was no way I could answer this question without careful calculation.
I told her that I couldn't answer because there were consequences each way. Yeah totally chicken poo poo of me for staying on the fence. Afraid of commitment, absolutely. We tried to discuss via txt (which I know is rarely a good idea). She understands what my reasons are as we've been open on this in the past. Her words "I know there are experiences you want to have sexually. And saying I'm the last woman you will ever sleep with kind of pigeon holes you into a situation of not experiencing those things"
So if you know, then what was the goal of the question? This had to be some sort of test? Was I put on the spot and asked essentially if I was willing to give up on all my fantasy and pick her as my last?
Not whining here, but I was a very late bloomer. Married with kid at 20 and kept myself locked up in that till it failed and I latched onto the next. How we differ is that she was a very early bloomer and a serial monogamist. That is nobodies fault for my own, just not chasing what I wanted. Fortunately for her she got to do a lot of discovery and exploration. She got to have several years in the swinger/hotwife scene. As a guy that sounds like so much fun yet scary at the same time.
We're approaching 4 years together. And I still recall the convo where she said that I was her first monogamous relationship and she wanted me to be her last first kiss. I guess this was the time when I should have said that I've always been a serial monogamist and wouldn't mind giving the lifestyle a try. We were fresh and having so much fun. I would have killed it all right there if I said that. Hense the consequences. We tried to do the swinger club for a couple of times but never panned out. We tried doing the open thing but closed it up there they have remained.
tl;dr: GF asks if I think she is the last woman that I could see myself having sex with. Was this some kind of poo poo test? I think she hit the nail on the head when saying my answer would pigeon hole myself. So why ask?
Oops: I goofed and deleted thread bc wanted to fix title. So here is it again.
Normally I'd say there is only one answer to this, and even given the sexual background of the woman, given that she's 38 there's really only one answer to this.
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Jun 27, 2017 20:16
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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What a loving idiot:
My wife (39f) and I (40m) had a threesome with her friend (32f) and now she will not speak to me.
quote:u/whatcanido101
I (m40) have been with my wife Steph (f39) for 13 years now, married for 10. We have 2 children, a boy who is 10 and a girl who is 8. Steph is an amazing wife and mother. She's beautiful and one of the best people you'll find. She's my best friend in life and I would never do anything to intentionally harm her. We have always had an active sex life, save for the times around when our children were born. Overall, we have a very good marriage.
Lately, we have thought that our sex life was getting boring and stale. We have tried a few things to spice it up. A little bit ago, I suggested we consider a threesome. Steph was only my 2nd sexual partner (yup, I know) and I have always been a bit insecure about that. Steph wasn't on board with it at first, but we talked about it a ton over a few months and she said we should go for it.
Steph's friend Nicole (32f) came to stay at our house this past weekend. I didn't know Nicole very well, as the two had worked together and I had only met her a few times, but Nicole had just broken up with her boyfriend so my wife wanted to be there for her. I didn't know her well, but Nicole was a very flirty person with everyone and she was also very attractive. She was that way with everyone though. I did not go into the weekend thinking anything would happen.
Nicole came on Friday night and things were normal. She was upset about her breakup and my wife spent time with her one-on-one trying to cheer her up, while I babysat the kids. On Saturday night, our kids went to sleepovers at their friends' houses and we had the house to ourselves. We all pitched in and made dinner and then had some wine. We talked about our lives, relationships, and then started talking about sex. Now, Nicole and I are definitely more open than my wife is in this regard. We wound up talking about threesomes and I mentioned how we agreed we would try one. This is where it all goes down hill. Nicole heard this and then started to come onto both of us. She kissed my wife first and then started kissing me. My wife didn't stop anything, so I thought it was okay. Things escalated and clothes for all three of us came off. We wound up going to our bedroom. They made out a little, but admittedly my wife isn't bisexual or really interested in women so it didn't go that far. I took turns pleasuring them and they, me. I guess during this I started to focus more on Nicole than my wife. Eventually, Nicole got on top of me and we had sex. When it was over, I tried to have sex with my wife but I wasn't ready for another round, so I wound up cuddling with them a little and we went to sleep.
When I woke up, Nicole and my wife weren't in the bed. In fact, Nicole wasn't there anymore at all. My wife was downstairs and was inconsolable. Apparently she had woken up and I was cuddling with Nicole. She had asked Nicole to leave after and she did, willingly. She said that it made her feel terrible after my treatment of her last night. She said that I basically cheated on her in front of her, that she had tried to get my attention several times but I always went back to Nicole, and that I had sex with her friend and not her. She also mentioned I did so unprotected. She said that I enjoyed the sex with Nicole better than her and that she could never get the sounds and images of us having sex out of her mind. She has been staying in the guest room and has not spoken to me about anything unless it has to do with our kids.
I am devastated. I have tried to make her understand that I was caught up in the moment and thought it was okay because she was kissing Nicole first. I thought she would've stopped it if it wasn't okay. We didn't have many rules, otherwise I would've made sure that I didn't cross them. Nicole texted me today and apologized for any problems she caused. I told her it was on me, not her, and I was the one who was sorry.
Reddit, I know I messed up. But I was not thinking and I would never intentionally harm my wife. What can I do to fix this? Marriage counseling? What?
tl;dr: My wife and I had a threesome with her friend. My wife thinks I cheated on her because I had sex with her friend and not her. How can I fix this? Did I cheat? Thoughts? Advice? Help!!!
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Jun 28, 2017 20:39
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Do I (25f) disappoint my partner (24m) or disappoint my work?
quote:u/spiralized1987
I agreed to go to a family function with my partner tomorrow however I've just now been given more work that requires a lot of hours put in. Do I go to the function and then have to catch up on work during my sleeping hours or do I not go to the dinner and disappoint him? The dinner is an hour away and he's my ride so I can't leave early and it'll go until midnight or so.
I told him and he said he'd prefer it if I came so I feel a bit stuck and guilty.
TLDR - work commitment vs family commitment. Which one to do?
So the solution to this seems to be "Book a mini-cab or taxi" presumably. It's the comments that make this:
quote:
jphamlore• 12m
quote:I told him and he said he'd prefer it if I came so I feel a bit stuck and guilty.
OP, if your boyfriend is going to be an rear end and try to make you feel guilty, next time tell him you can't go because of work, and tell him you are not asking his opinion and he can keep it to himself.
quote:
spiralized1987• 6m
I know, him saying he prefers if I came made me feel horrible and also a bit guilted!
Expressing an obvious opinion is assholery of the highest order and guilting.
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Jul 5, 2017 08:01
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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My [31 M] wife [29F] and I have a 3-month old baby (high-needs) and I can't cope due to adhd and misophonia triggered by the baby's cries.
quote:u/dad_with_adhd
My wife and I are your average (sort of) couple who work normal 9-5 jobs. We’ve been married a couple of years and so far our relationship has been great, so we decided to have a baby. She's on maternity leave right now to take care of the little guy. My job requires a lot of brainpower and I need to be focused, so the deal we have is that she lets me sleep weeknights, and I let her sleep on the weekend. But it’s been far more stressful and tense than either of us expected and we have a lot of friends with kids, so we’ve heard it all.
HER: She's always been big on "fairness and equality" which means we both put in 50/50 all the time for everything. So far in our relationship that's actually been a great thing and it's helped us both grow as individuals. I think she’s turning into a great mom and she’s certainly more patient than I am, but her focus and need for fairness is becoming a major issue.
ME: I have adhd, which makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on sitting quietly with the baby for more than a few minutes at a time, so I lose patience easily. If I take medication in the evening, I'm wired for the rest of the night and won't get any sleep at all. On top of that I suffer from misophonia which has been a unique challenge for me. I'm normally a mild-mannered, polite person, but when I get triggered by certain sounds it puts me in a blind rage. I've never lashed out violently at anyone, but certain sounds stress me out a LOT. Normally it's things like someone chewing with their mouth open or scratching the interior roof of a car, or a chalkboard that trigger it so I do my best to put some distance between myself and these stressors. I’ve had friendships end because people found out I suffer from this and they abused it to test/annoy me.
BABY: The little guy seems to be high needs, so he needs to be held and bounced in a very specific way or else he fusses and cries. He doesn't sleep at night or nap easily and certainly not outside our arms. None of the usual tricks work: he hates strollers, going for walks, being in the car, being in a rocker; everything annoys him. The only thing that helps is standing by the oven fan and bouncing him for 30 minutes to get him to take a nap, but it only seems to work once a day. If you try it a second time he fusses and cries.
SITUATION: So when I get home from work typically, my wife wants me to take over for her, which I'm in theory happy to do, but it’s become a major struggle. He just doesn’t like to relax in my arms and she has a much easier time getting him to calm down. When I hold him, he cries more and fusses more. Those cries trigger my misophonia on a level I've never experienced before. This is probably the worst part for me. I'm normally a patient person with other people's negativity (in spite of the adhd), but when our baby screams in my face, it triggers such deep, intense anger in me that I'm afraid to hold him in those moments for fear of reacting badly. To be clear, I've never shaken him or hurt him, ever. When I'm in one of those moments I hand him off to my wife as quickly as I can, or put him down. This is the problem though. When she's had a long day of looking after him, she doesn't want to continue holding and caring for him. He's just as fussy with her, but she has a much higher threshold for it than I do (and no misophonia, obviously). She doesn't understand the anger it brings out in me. She doesn't claim it's all in my head, but she’s clearly fed up with me and thinks I just need to "toughen up" to deal with it and help her out. We get into fights every single day when I try to hand him off to her in those moments of anger, or I yell at her and storm off. We always apologize afterwards and make up, but as each day goes by the stress levels increase and now it’s spilling over into my work because I have NO down time at any point in my day.
Anyone with misophonia will tell you it's not something you can choose to ignore. If I wear headphones to listen to music, the little guy rips them out (they dangle within his reach) and earplugs don't work well enough. I'm really upset that my own baby is triggering me and I have no idea what to do. Again, to be clear: I've never shaken or hurt him. If I feel like I might do something dangerous, I put him down and walk away. But this just makes him (and my wife) more upset since it makes it harder to put the baby to sleep and it makes her angry because she thinks I’m not helping enough.
I don’t know if anyone here can help, but I don’t know what else to do.
TL;DR - new parents with a high needs baby - i'm a dad with adhd AND misophonia with a wife who needs me to help out more at night, but I’m struggling. The baby is extremely fussy and his screams trigger rage-inducing reactions from me and my wife is insistent that I just deal with it.
Lol at him thinking that is a high needs baby. That's pretty normal for a 3 month old. And lol at writing "triggered by my own baby".
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Jul 6, 2017 18:19
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Oh you poor naive fool.
I [40M] am deciding if I should take my ex [40F] back or not, what should I do?
quote:u/exornot
So, I met my ex 20 years ago. When we first met, she was dating someone else. Then they broke up (due to distance) and we started dating. We dated from age 20 to age 24. Then I caught her in bed with a former friend/roommate at the time, who she married and had a kid with. Her husband died a few years ago, and she messaged me to reconnect.
She told me that she wants me to come back. She has a good paying job, so it is not just for the money. She told me that the night before I caught her cheating and dumped her, we had sex and she got pregnant from it. She had my child with her late husband. And had another child with him a few years later.
I am conflicted on what to do. On one hand, I am pissed at her for sleeping with and marrying my friend/roommate. But, I want to meet the child I had with her. I do not want to deprive him of his real father. She told me that our child is 15 years old now (also wondering why did she choose to introduce him to me now and not anytime before).
TL;DR : Ex wants me back and tells me that we have a child together, but I don't want her back, as she slept with my ex friend/roommate. What should I do??
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Jul 7, 2017 08:31
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Kind of banal but I think it will spark debate.
Thoughts on moving in but keeping separate bedrooms?
quote:u/thunderbirdess
I (27F) have started discussing moving in with my boyfriend (30M). We have been dating for a year and we both move cautiously and slowly, so we are considering it many months from now when our individual leases are up.
We are of course talking through emotions like fears and insecurities (neither of us have lived with someone before). But we are also focused on approaching everything as practically as possible and have discussed everything from finances (including debt and credit scores--and we plan to keep everything separate for now) to household duties and chores.
Broaching this conversation and having to work through these things is opening us up in our relationship a lot! I love this man, and we connect unbelievably well. I hate being that girl, but he is genuinely the amazing kind of guy I never imagined I'd actually find. We are both well-educated and hard-working; we have similar careers and life goals; we are both chill, creative, artsy types, but also very disciplined and focused. We need our alone time and space. Because of this, we jointly proposed a two-separate-bedroom setup, which makes perfect sense to me. Spend 3-4 nights together, 3-4 apart, but all in the same house--it sounds like exactly what I need and took a huge amount of stress out of the living together proposition. Now it's more fun and I'm excited!
But, people of Reddit--I come from a very traditional Leave it to Beaver kind of family, and as relieved as I am to know my guy is on board for our nontraditional, separate bedroom life, I want to know, have any of you out there cohabitated in this way? If so, is there anything I need to know/anticipate about separate bedroom living? If not, what do you prefer about a shared bedroom space, and what makes it work for you? I genuinely cannot imagine myself sharing a bedroom and a bed every day and every night, so I'm just curious! All advice is appreciated.
TL;DR starting to discuss moving in with my bf, and we both want separate bedrooms so we can spend a balanced amount of time together/alone. Advice on how to succeed in this way of cohabitating?
Having a spare bedroom can be a godsend for all sorts of reasons - bad cough, early morning start, it's really freaking hot.
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Jul 8, 2017 22:28
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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I mean, it sounds like she's a little freaked out that he got her naked and put her in the shower? Which seems reasonable, and she probably should talk to him about it. Like, I've been in similar situations to him with friends of the opposite sex before and I don't think I'd strip them down under any circumstances.
He's a med student, so hopefully he's above the whole "Heh heh boobies" thing and she was presumably covered in vomit. It's clearly just an act of kindness.
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Jul 8, 2017 22:36
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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I like that it took him a week to piece it together, Inspector Morse the Bf isn't.
My [32F] sudden ex-boyfriend [32M] just dumped me because I saw another ex [37M] but I don't think it was cheating. Either way, I want him back, what should I do?
quote:u/dont_think_imacheat
I'm the type of person who tries to remain friends with her exes, and mean it. Some have told me it's unhealthy but it is what it is. Also, my job's kind of a hybrid of retail and corporate, has inconsistent hours and a few different locations that I might work out of - this will be relevant in a paragraph or two. I was with the 37-year old for about three years, about one of which was long distance. I pictured myself marrying him but we ultimately broke up because he has twin daughters, who I like but I don't want to be a replacement mother, and he was adamant about not having more kids though I really want some of my own. So I ended things but we kept in contact, occasionally texting and talking on the phone but didn't see each other in person at all after breaking up.
About four months later I met someone new and we started dating, hit it off, things were going very well. Said we loved each other about two months in. He knew I stayed in contact with the ex from before and seemed a little bit bothered but didn't say too much about it. Until exactly three weeks ago, when the 37-year-old texted me asking if I wanted to get lunch. I said yes, we met up, at the end of lunch he said he was still in love with me and knows we broke up since he didn't want kids and would have kids with me if that's what it takes. Almost like the speech Richard gave Monica on that episode of Friends if you know what I'm talking about. I told him I'd met somebody else and it was too late, and also that it would be inappropriate for us to stay in contact now.
The next day I told my new man what happened, kind of, but left out some details, mainly the logistics of how lunch happened to begin with. I know this was a huge mistake, but I lied and said he came to my office and I was too stunned to say no. My new man seemed a bit upset by it but our relationship seemed fine for another few week, until yesterday.
He asked me how my ex could have known where to go if he wanted to see me and invite me to lunch, considering I don't work every Sunday, and even when I do there's no guarantee I'll be at any one specific location. I admitted the truth, that it was a text arranging lunch. He told me that it was a date and the reason I told him he surprised me at work was to pretend I didn't arrange going on a date. I told him I disagreed, it was just lunch. So he said I cheated on him, is very hurt I won't own up to it, and dumped me.
I'm devastated and want him to forgive me, date me again. Personally I don't think it was a date - it's just lunch and we didn't even kiss - but I'm willing to bite the bullet and admit infidelity I don't think happened. Any advice on how to move forward?
tl;dr: Was in a relationship, we ended. Got a new boyfriend. My ex invited me to lunch where he confessed his love to me and tried to get me back. I said no, told my new boyfriend but lied about the details. A few weeks later my new boyfriend saw through the ruse and dumped me for cheating on him, considering the lunch a date (though I don't think it was cheating). I'd like a second chance with him, how should I proceed?
You went to lunch with your ex, lied about the specifics - even if it wasn't a date, that is reasonable grounds to be dumped.
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Jul 10, 2017 07:56
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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In the comments it's explained that the toddler isn't his child, he just "adopted" him by "choosing to be in his life", soooo drat man, get some self respect and bail.
I (24m) am terrified my fiance (23f) is done with me and im not ready to be done.
quote:u/meagermantis
So, way back when we decided to become serious, and start co-habitating, things were great. We seemed to have a healthy balance of cleaning and child care and everything all sorted: then we bought a house. Her credit is great, while mine is garbo, so her name is the only one that appears on our mortgage. I pay for half of utilities and the mortgage and child care, but have no official standing here.
Since we bought the house, her expectations of division of labor seem to have skyrocketed: i am to do dishes, (which apparently i do incorrectly) cook, pick up after our toddler, vaccuum, sweep, mop, basically all of the cleaning jobs every day, echept for laundry (which has sat in a pile in our kitchen for well over a week). If i let one go for a day she has a fit. Expenses are split evenly, but responsibility is not.
In the last week, i am no longer allowed to help with laundry, with dishes, with taking our son to daycare, with anything because "i cant do anything right, she now has to take over". I dont know why this is just now becoming a thing! Im sure its annoyed her in the past, but its all coming to a head, and i'm tired of fighting her on everything. Because i fold pants the wrong way, or put things in our dishwasher when she wants them handwashed first. (why have the appliance if we're not to use it?) She's resorted to just not talking to me in almost a week now: which is childish.
What do i do? I dont want something silly like chores to be the defining problem of our relationship, but its not unreasonable for me to perform cleaning duties as i've done them in the past, is it? Maybe building a chore spreadsheet, with days to complete tasks that we agree on, and some better communication about exact expectations would help, but i feel like we've had those conversations, and come to a consensus, and now the consensus has changed, and shes mad i didnt get the memo, but took no time to share that the consensus NEEDED CHANGING!
On top of all of this, her folks are splitting up: we added her mom to our phone plan, so her dad couldnt stalk her mother's every waking moment, from time at work to co-workers phone numbers and addrresses saved in HIS phone. Her mom never liked me much, and i fear the mother's bitterness towards me, and more-so all men may be rubbing off on my fiance.
Also, any form of affection is gone. She wont even hold my hand: sex has been absent for months, and her new thing is to respond to "i love you" with a curt "i know".
I'm at a loss as to what to do: shes distant, unloving, and cold for the first time, and nothing i can do is good enough. Ive been an emotional wreck obsessing over how to fix our communication, all while fully knowing she holds all of the cards, the ball is in her court, and i just have to sit pretty and wait for the ball to drop.
what do i do here?
TL;DR: my fiance has gone from loving and wonderful to hurtful and distand in the last week, and i know some of it is because i suck, some is because life is hard right now, and part of it is a complete mystery. Im lost and scared, and a ball of anxiety and stress.
From the comments:
quote:I would love to! Ive tried sitting her down and talking.
Just now, i walked in to talk to her, try and get somewhere. I told her i was going insane with stress, and im happy to work on whatever we need to to get back to steady, but i needed to know i wasnt just putting myself through a meat grinder if eventually she was just going to hand my ring back to me and tell me to go. I was told "im not going to say 'i love you' just to appease you. Its hard for me to say it when i've felt like your mom for months"
Im now sitting on the couch drinking dr pepper and scotch whiskey.
quote:I "addopted" him. Hes our son because i chose to be a part of this.
Thats the other thing: lately, she wont let me like, parent him. The other night he was screaming about bedtime, and i tried to shuffle us both out, because cooing at him and standing over him just enforced the behavior: she told me to stop telling her how to parent HER child(then went and complained about the incident to her work friend [a guy] on facebook. I have no idea what was said in person while they worked).
Hes spending tonight in our bed for the 4th night in a row, while i sleep on the couch.
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Jul 10, 2017 08:15
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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That was a lot of words.
Me [44F] with my wife [42F] duration, with our son [17F]. Is it a valid reason to leave her over her treatment of our gay son?
quote:u/UnsureFather1
[New account as my coworkers know my reddit.]
There's a mistake in the title, I've been together with my wife for 21 years now.
Well, I truly screwed up the title, we are in fact not a lesbian couple, I am a man.
Where do I even begin this? Last week, our son, out of nowhere for me, came out to me and my wife as gay. I personally hadn't seen it coming, especially as he had girlfriends, but I suspect it might have been to trick himself into being straight or make us believe he is straight.
I have never had anything against gay people, one of my coworkers who I get along with is gay and his husband is a great person. While I would have never thought of having a gay son, it is my duty as a father so support him and love him regardless.
My wife is a self turned christian after some traumatic events. Her faith helped her recover and move on. She frequently prays or reads from her bible in our living room, but she was always respectful of my own decision to not be faithful just like I am respectful towards her. Now, I've always suspected she had a bigoted mindset, especially with the increased media coverage of LGBT people, but I have tried to stay out of it.
I now realize this may have been bad an caused our son to be frightful of us. Thinking back, our son was more "gay" (I sincerely apologize for how this sounds, but please, I mean no harm.) when he was younger, going as far to openly state his Super Man toy was his "boyfriend". My wife snapped at him, calling such behavior "shameful and disgusting", and I went along to avoid conflict with her. This is possibly the reason why our son hid his sexuality from us.
My wife is very distraught, screaming and berating him when he came out to us, which crossed a line with me. I took our son away from her so she could calm down and to have a talk with him in private. I fear he does not believe me fully that I will love him no matter what, but I figure it will take time.
My wife has not stopped being verbally abusive towards our son, causing him to flee our home and sleep at a friend's place (Maybe a boyfriend, I am not sure, does not matter). Now she has gone to berate me, calling me a spineless man and disgusting, and I have enough. This was not the woman I chose to marry and have a child with.
I do intend on leaving her, maybe forever or for an extended period, but the thing is that in the town we live in, my wife is very popular, especially within the church. My son suffers because of this and I do not know how to proceed further.
My friends, coworkers and even family berate me for my decision to seperate from my wife, even supporting her bigoted beliefs, and I am growing more and more unsure. Their comments are wearing at me and I would like to hear other people on this subject and what I should do, especially to protect my son.
I will likely post this on other subreddits as well, but I do not know any LGBT oriented subreddits for this kind of stuff.
tl;dr: Our wife is bigoted towards our gay son and I intend to leave her, but my social network is against it.
That's just sad
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Jul 10, 2017 18:30
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Not sure if real. I have no idea how you do a three way call, but I'm British and it's not really a thing here.
I [M/25] recently learned my father [50s M] is/was cheating on my mother [50s F]. I instantly went nuclear. Advice on my response/how to move forward with my family.
quote:u/nuclearthrowaway1234
Hi Reddit - I have a juicy one for you. I say that because the actual drama has largely played itself out, but I'm feeling some guilt over what I've done, and could use advice on how to move forward.
Using a throwaway and changing some details just to be safe.
Background on my family is that it's been pretty idyllic; my folks have always gotten on well, are strong communicators, parented myself and my younger siblings as a team, and were very good parents. My teenage years were a rough patch in my relationship with my father, but since I left for college at 18 we really began getting along. When I pictured a strong marriage, I pictured my parents, bar none.
The other day, it all came crashing down. This entire story takes place over roughly an hour.
I received a Facebook message request from a stranger. I've been trying to fill an empty spot in my apartment, so I was in the habit of accepting these requests, and figured it was someone interested in the room. The initial messages were odd, however; broken English, small talk, no mention of an apartment. I then figured it was a scam of some sort, so I of course kept messaging the woman to see where it went and waste their time.
Then, she made a comment about my sister, and said that her boyfriend talks about me and my sister all the time. I asked who her boyfriend was. She replied "Your dad - he doesn't talk about me?" At this point, I assumed I was being blackmailed or scammed. My father's career led him to a very high-profile corporate job with a massive international company, so it was definitely not out of the realm of possibility. Certainly my father wasn't cheating on my mother.
Then she sent photos - one of those tri-frame Instagram photos. Her on the beach with a man who was no doubt my father. Selfies with arms around each other, one with her kissing him on the cheek. I thought "Okay, this could be real. Or, that could be some younger female coworker who's just overly affectionate and Dad indulged her in a selfie. This scammer found it and is using it."
Around this time, I started getting unprompted, unrelated texts from my father. "How are you, how are things going, etc." Odd timing, right?
Thinking on my feet, I took a new approach. When she asked again if my father had mentioned his girlfriend to me, I quickly responded "Yes, of course - sorry, I just wasn't sure which one you were."
My thinking was that if this was a scam, saying my father was routinely unfaithful to my mother and dated multiple women at once removed their leverage. If this was real, then I'd throw a wrench in my Dad's affair and force the truth out. Oh boy, did I get what I bargained for.
The woman freaked out - frantic questions about who this other woman was. I answered them all, and concocted a story about a woman I'd met just a few months prior, who was from [country my father works in regularly], made up a name, said my father had been dating women on the side for years, etc. She bought it entirely. The woman asked to speak on the phone, so I obliged. At this point, I realized this was real - the woman was in hysterics, sobbing about how she thought my father loved her, how could he do this, so on and so forth. I kept playing it cool and acted sympathetic, saying that my father had been a player for years and that he was usually upfront with his girlfriends about seeing other women, and that I was so sorry she had to hear from me. This let me learn who she was and how long the affair had been going on.
Then, she asks if I'd be willing to be on a three-way call with her and my father, without his knowledge. I immediately said yes. Within 60 seconds, I was muted on a three-way call listening to my father console this strange woman, who I had fully convinced that she was one of many side-chicks, and explain to her that I was attempting to sabotage their relationship because of what I'd just learned. "He didn't know that his father was cheating on his mother. He didn't know that his parents are getting a divorce, and now he's just learned that from a stranger!" he explained.
At this point, I hopped on the call and let him know that, actually, I had learned about the divorce from him, since his insecure bitch of a girlfriend hadn't said anything about the divorce yet. He said "Oh, Christ" and I left the call.
I called my mother immediately afterwards to figure out what was going on. She let me know that the two of them had been going through the early stages of a divorce for several months, that it was amicable and they both thought it best, and had plans to tell all three of us once things were more finalized. She said that she had only learned of the affair, however, a few days prior to this incident.
The following morning, after a lengthy and heated discussion with my parents, I sent an email to both of them outlining why I was so hurt by this. I don't care about them getting divorced, I trust them to do it kindly and amicably and they both seem intent on doing it that way as well. I did care about;
This insane woman thinking it was okay to contact me
My father probing me once he realized that I had been contacted by his GF
My father consoling his GF of >3 months instead of contacting me once he realized that I knew about the affair
My father carrying on an affair and endangering his wife and children, rather than just waiting until after the separation
Ultimately, I told my father not to contact me until I had reconciled what kind of relationship I want to have with him at this point.
Here's where I need advice. I feel guilty about what I did. I immediately, ruthlessly, and effectively destroyed the relationship that my father had with this woman, who for her part at least seemed to really love him and feel loved by him. She is now convinced that he was cheating on her too. While it's obviously my dad's own fault for starting this relationship in secret while he was still with my mother, I still wonder if I've destroyed something that could have been really good for my Dad. I'm also kind of shocked at myself for being able and willing to manipulate people like that.
I also don't know where to go from here. I'm absolutely disgusted by my father and have lost a lot of respect for him. I'm not the one being cheated on, but I definitely feel like I've been put second-fiddle to his GF of >3 months. The damage control should have been with his son, not his mistress, right? Even so, I love my father, and have been building a wonderful relationship with him over the last 4-6 years especially. I don't want to throw that all away. I can't figure out in my head what it is I want him to say or do that will allow me to forgive him.
I would love any thoughts on my behavior in this situation, or how I can reconcile my love for my Dad with this absolute loss of respect I have for him.
tl;dr: Learned that my Dad was cheating on my Mom, and immediately torpedoed his affair with some heartless manipulation. Feel guilty about what I've done and am struggling to see a path towards forgiving my father.
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Jul 10, 2017 18:50
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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Me [48 M] with my lesbian ex-wife [37 F], should I maintain relationship for the sake of her kids?
quote:u/StupidGooglyEyes
I married Jan (not her real name) a little over six years ago, after a two-year courtship during which she actively pushed for marriage. It was a second marriage for each of us, and she had two great kids aged 6 and 8 at the time. It was a package deal, and I took on an active parenting role. I loved it, and everyone got along great.
As a show of commitment, I paid off the mortgage she defaulted on after her first marriage ended and the bank foreclosed. She negotiated a settlement agreement bringing it down to $7500, and I figured it was a small price to pay for a lifetime of togetherness.
From the beginning, she was open about being bisexual, but said she had never been with a woman. That didn't bother me because I have gay and bi friends, and she said she was in love with me as a person so my genitalia didn't matter. And she was hella frisky in bed, so naturally i thought she enjoyed it.
After 2.5 years of marriage she pushed for an open relationship so she could experience women, just for fun. She reassured me we were partners for life so we made rules to protect the relationship and the children, as advised by so many open relationship forums.
While I was away on a business trip she had her first encounter with a woman she'd never met before, in the bathroom stall of a busy donut shop where they got down-and-dirty. In the middle of the day. Classy, huh?
About a week later she stayed out with her new lover all night without letting me know, contrary to our rules. Within a few weeks she said that she was a lesbian, that she couldn't obey any of the rules or stay in the marriage, and that she was moving at the end of the month.
I wanted to keep things civil and minimize any trauma for the kids, so I played nice. I didn't know what else to do. There's no point trying to convince someone they're not gay. I talked her super-religious father out of disowning her (Mormons!). I even loaded the moving van and drove it to her new apartment.
The kids had a hard time adjusting, being uprooted on such short notice. Jan didn't even tell the school ahead of time. She just went to pick them up from school on the last day and announced it to the classroom, making some of the other kids burst into tears (according to their teacher, whom I spoke to afterwards). They lost all their friends.
I was crushed. I still am. I don't want her back, of course. I feel like our relationship meant nothing to her, as she so easily threw it away. And she squandered my last chance to be a parent or step-parent. I have trust issues now. I doubt I can ever be in another relationship because I'll be watching for signs that it's all fake.
She moved in with the other woman within six months and is with her to this day. She never dated any other women. She just latched on to her new financially-stable meal-ticket, much like she had with me (something I realized only in retrospect).
I've done my best to keep things friendly, visiting the kids, taking them on road-trips and day adventures, etc. They still consider me their stepdad and they are always excited to see me.
Every time I meet with Jan, it feels icky, and it sends me into a tailspin for days. She wants to be friends in a very superficial way. She has never in any way acknowledged that she did anything wrong.
To be clear, coming out isn't wrong. Repressing your sexuality and marrying someone you don't love is. She had been married to a man before, so she knew what that was about. If you already know you're attracted to the same sex, be brave enough to figure that stuff out instead of white-knuckle denying it and hitching up with an opposite-sex spouse.
So now I'm trying to decide what is best for me, and what is healthiest for the kids. They are now 10 (girl) and 12 (boy). They have parents, grandparents, cousins, friends, etc.
Should I continue being involved in their lives, or make an exit? Is there a useful role I can play? How do I get over the feeling that I am letting them down and causing them damage? I feel so guilty abandoning them (former Catholic).
How can I start anything new while I am still involved with my old life? Would any self-respecting woman understand maintaining a relationship with former stepkids?
Adult stepkids of Reddit, is it better for a former stepdad to just step off?
tl;dr: Trying to do the right thing for former stepkids, but the situation causes me pain. Is it best to just walk away?
The saddest part is that he probably won't have children of his own now, which sounds like something he wanted.
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Jul 11, 2017 08:35
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May 20, 2024 07:30
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- Milotic
- Mar 4, 2009
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9CL apologist
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Slippery Tilde
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I kind of want this to be fake, but the husband deserves to roast in hell for what he said:
quote:My [32F] husband [35M] of five years just came out as gay
u/husbandisgay
Names changed for privacy reasons.
My husband Jack and I have been together for eight years and married for five. We don't have children, but have been trying for the past two years. A year ago I had a miscarriage after three months, just after we told his family and our close friends that we were pregnant. It was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and though his family was wonderful and so supportive and made me feel loved and cared for, Jack himself was cold and even made a few comments that implied it was probably my fault. We fought about it, but he said it was just grief making him say awful things and I forgave him. We kept trying again, but no pregnancy.
Other than that our marriage has been rocky, as Jack has a tendency to be passive-aggressive and I have a tendency to be too clingy, so there have been rifts and issues through the years, but we've worked through them and have both tried to compromise and work on our own problems. It hasn't all been bad. Jack can be very loving and romantic, and has always made an effort to do things like remember my birthday and our anniversary, and has always made those days wonderful for me. He is very smart, funny, and a charismatic guy who people love the moment they meet him, myself included.
A week and a half ago Jack told me there was something important he had to say to me, and we sat down to talk. He told me he's gay, and even though he tried to make the marriage work with me because he wants children and because he loves me, he can't ignore who he is anymore. He asked for a divorce, and started talking about which one of us should move out.
I didn't hear a lot of what he said after properly because I was in shock. There's never been anything that would make me think Jack is gay, our sex has always been good and I've never felt like he wasn't attracted to me. I suddenly realized I've spent eight years of my life with this man and I guess all of it he was just playing pretend. I was in love, but I was out there alone.
I took it hard. I asked if he had told anyone else, and he said some of our mutual friends know, and his brother knows too, but he hadn't told his parents yet. His best friend has known for years! It was so humiliating to hear that.
We are going to start divorce proceedings and I have tried to reach out to some of my friends for support, but they have all brushed me off. Everyone keeps saying Jack is so brave and it's wonderful that he can finally live his life authentically, like I was just a ball and chain weighing him down instead of a person he was lying to and using for children. When I try to say that I feel hurt and betrayed, I get told I'm being selfish and I should think about how hard it's been for Jack these eight years. One of our friends called me "an entitled little hetwife" which aside from being a weird thing to say, doesn't even make sense because I'm bisexual and estranged from my homophobic family because of it, and she knows that.
Jack himself has been a bit more understanding about how hurt I feel, but when I try to tell him that I feel betrayed he gets impatient and starts asking what I want him to do about it, because it's not like he can just stop being gay for me. I know that. I guess I just want someone to be sympathetic and validate these feelings I have. I went through a miscarriage for this man. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And it was for nothing.
What do I do? How can I talk to people in a way that gets them to understand that while I want Jack to be happy and to pursue a good life, I also feel hurt and lied to? How can I move past these feelings? I feel very alone.
TL;DR: My husband came out as gay and I'm devastated. Friends don't care and tell me to stop being selfish. Don't know who to turn to.
Also they got married in 2010s. It's not the 1950s, you do not have to get married to someone you don't want to. That poo poo is on him and him only. It's not brave - on their wedding day he got up in front of her, all their friends and family and lied his rear end off about who he was and his feelings for her.
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Jul 16, 2017 15:50
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Mar 29, 2017 19:09
I've been battling depression on and off the past years(i dislike saying this, im not looking for pity in this area) so i think that might have influenced his change of view on me as well. I can be pretty useless at times. im just hurt. I do want to do something with my life, and i get we are young and sure he doesnt have to wait for me i shouldnt expect that since he has his plans but it still just hurts.