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Man oh man. Thank you for this. I've been married to an Aspie for 22 years. I didn't know it when we got married. He didn't know it. In fact, he wasn't diagnosed until just this last year (21 years into the marriage). People have always said that we seemed to be more 'business partners' than 'marriage partners' and I have to say, knowing what the problem is hasn't made it any easier. In fact, it has made it harder. Before I knew I could hope that one day he'd 'wake up' and start treating me better. Before I knew I was able to tell myself that once the kids were grown and out on their own I could start a life on my own. Now I don't even have hope because my moral compass doesn't let me just leave him, and I am so tired - so FUNDAMENTALLY tired of everything being about him. It hurts. it really does.

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I'm right there with you. Opposite with presents, has to make him stop, it was a lot OCD.
No common sense, no friends. I was in a car accident about year ago. So lonely. Needed to be fed after migraine sent me to
Hospital, he forgot. I'm burned out. Being on call as a midwife was far easier and less emotionally draining.
What a relief to find a place to talk about this.
Is the only choice: save yourself?
I really love the person but HATE living with him. I have cried more because of this one man's thoughtlessness than all the political injustices I have witnessed.
I'm am truly sorry to say this, but I am at the end of my rope. I have threatened, cajoled, joked,teased, prodded, asked, begged, pleaded, bargained, and then I just give up. Aspires should come with a warning sign.
At one point I has to leave and live elsewhere to get him to finish a household project, not really important, it was just putting in a toilet. The only one on the property.

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I have been married to an Aspie for nine years. He was not diagnosed until after we were married. For many years I could not understand why he was underemployed ( he had to degrees). He convinced me that if he just got another degree (in Mandarin Chinese) he could be a translator and get a job that suited him. It was when I watched him interact with his coworkers (we worked in a kitchen; he was a dishwasher) while we played a simple game of cards that I began to dig on the internet. He felt comfortable with the fit, although was somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing. Once we were able to get help from an employee placement agency that helps people with "disabilities", he has become employed as a computer programmer.
Our relationship could be described as parent/child. I feel that I have had to teach him a lot about a lot of things and he has certainly improved over the years, to the point that he has become militant about his Aspieness.
There are still some things that I don't think I will ever be able to change. Things like blurting inappropriate comments in a social situation, or dropping the F bomb in the supermarket lineup. I can't stop him from making monumental messes (his study, the garage, the basement) that are impossible to deal with. Of course I'm not 'allowed' to touch these messes or throw anything out. I've seen him derail contractors who have come in to do repairs on the house, insisting he can do better and then leaving the project undone. I can't help him with his impulsiveness or the fact that his head is never in the game. He's lost keys, wallet, money, camera. And that's only the stuff he couldn't hide from me. He never seems to learns from mistakes and won't take suggestions from me on how to avoid repeats of disasters. I'm embarrassed to have anyone visit in my house, except close family because of the mess and unfinished projects. And it drives me nuts the time he can spend on totally pointless projects and exercises when real things need to be done.
I am lucky, from what I have read, that he can be very sweet and kind.

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My wife is an Aspie. Very high functioning. Four degrees, three doctorates.

Sometimes it is very difficult.

I can have to go from being a lover to her parent in a very short time.

We have been together for 23 years.

quote:

My husband too was diagnosed after we married. It's three years in and I am so beaten down by his deep need to be in control, his need to have the last word and to be right, his anger, his utter lack of empathy and humor, that I no longer recognize myself.

I was an outgoing, charming, happy and beautiful person- now I am a nearly silent, emotionless, empty shell. His jealousy was so extreme, and his behavior so outrageous, that he would drive by my office, peering in windows, and call or text me angrily all day about whatever he though he saw...finally I was asked to leave. Now I work for him and many days the only people I see or talk to have autism/ aspergers...it's like I am drowning.

When he was first diagnosed he was eager to try to grow and change to better meet my needs, but now he says he is "done changing for me" and it's my turn to adapt for him. But all the jealous rages, the meltdowns, tantrums (over ANYTHING- even what laundry basket I used for his kids clothes, or my cell phone receiving a wrong number call) plus the made-up accusations and controlling angry behavior has taken it's toll.

I realized recently that I no longer feel anything like romantic love for him, although I very much want to; but those little things like sharing a laugh, and eye contact, and agreeableness, and genuine heartfelt (not learned) affection, are not possible with him and never will be... and that makes it very hard to feel close. He sees no problem with puling out his phone and googling facts to "prove" how wrong I am when all I am doing is expressing my OPINION, yet to him he is "doing me a favor" so I won't "make a fool out of myself" by "being wrong". We can't even have the most casual of conversations without this type of thing happening, and he thinks that I am completely wrong for being hurt and insulted by all of his behaviors. I have had to distance myself from friends and family, none of whom like him at all, and now my support system is nonexistent.

I completely agree with the commenter who said that Aspies should come with a warning label. If I did not have three kids from a previous marriage that I can't support, I would have left a long time ago. This is the most empty, combative, controlling relationship that I have ever witnessed and I feel utterly dead inside as a result. If I could tell anyone anything about a long term relationship with an Aspie, it is RUN. You can't fix them and they will never be able to understand much less fulfill your emotional needs. It is a lonely, heartbreaking way to live.

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Although its nice to know I am not the only one suffering through an AS/ NT marriage I do feel so bad for all the rest of you; never would I wish this existence on anyone. The previous commenter who hoped the "worship" of autistic kids didn't backfire took the words right out of my mouth. My AS husband is arrogant about his condition, he is convinced it is an evolutionary leap forward for mankind and that having no emotions to deal with only means he is superior to those of us who can't/ don't operate on pure logic. Even though what passes for "logic" to him often looks like "insanity" to the rest of us, he is NEVER WRONG and thus every problem we have is MY FAULT. And nothing in his world "just happens", blame must be assigned for everything even a full trash can! I am reading my second book on how to be married to an Aspie and this one, like every other article, book, blog, is only about how the NT partner must basically lower their expectations and adapt to all the AS partners' needs. Well what about OUR needs? Is marriage to an AS partner just supposed to be a nonstop give-a-thon, with no satisfaction, affection, love, or consideration of our very valid feelings? Sure it's a disability, but won't we ever hold these people accountable for all their awful behavior?

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The "shut downs" are the worst. I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years, together for 5, and I just had the epiphany last week that he has AS. It explains so many things, some of them things that I didn't even think needed explaining but were just part of his issues with anxiety or a result of being a bachelor most of his life.

The smallest, most gentle effort on my part to explain the hurt that I am feeling causes him to shut down, usually for several days. When he eventually decides to start talking to me again, he'll explain his reaction as "I don't appreciate being yelled at". (I am NOT a yeller.) Never an apology, never an acknowledgement that there is any validity to my feelings or that ignoring me for a week was not a kind or helpful response to my plea for understanding. We went to counseling, where he agreed that it would be helpful to show me some attention and affection each day, if only for a few minutes after getting home for work. During the two weeks that he managed to do this, everything started to feel managable again, and I told him what a difference it made to me to feel his support. I guess that was his signal that his work was done, because he immediately stopped making that very minimal effort.

I am trying to figure out how to bring him into the knowledge of what I now know (and, yes, I know it with certainty, depite the lack of an official diagnosis). I don't think he would be receptive if it came from me, as he perceives so many things as criticism that are not intended to be. But I don't see how I can possibly endure in this relationship unless he can learn to be open to hearing me, even if he doesn't understand or empathize.

I had such high hopes for this second marriage; I believed I had found that partner with whom to share the rest of my life. I am grieving. It has helped reaching out to friends, with whom I feel loved and supported. And then I go home, where I feel utterly alone in his presence.

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I have been in a relationship with a non diagnosed aspie for 7 years , I was attracted to his good looks masculinity incredible body and deep mystery , I am in the caring proffession and thought he offered a challenge but I certainly got more than I bargained for ........ His quirky behaviour , , childlike innocence , lack of common sense , inappropriate responses soon became apparent , this again was part of his unusual charm and it made me want to reach out and mother him ! However , I soon experienced cool indifference , lack of interest in my topic of conversation , lack o empathy and outright selfishness on his part , I often felt alone when he was in the same room and the lengthy silence during evenings were only interrupted by his mumblings about certain actors in films and his " voice overs " during adverts , when watching tv , when I attempt to enter into gentle conversation about how he makes me feel invisible he becomes very defensive and asks why I should have an opinion !!!!

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I know all this. I know I am his personal secretary, personal assistant, nurse, counsellor and mother all at once. I KNOW. What I don't know is what to do for me!! That's what I was hoping for here. Tips on self care.

What about telling me how it's not my fault or his fault either? What about telling me how it's normal and OK to feel guilty about having certain thoughts sometimes? What about telling me my anger and frustration is justified, just that it won't do any good?

What about encouraging me to go out and have massages, meet up with friends, take bubble baths?

What about tips on how I can get him to do more chores around the hosue?

What I really, really, REALLY would like some tips on is how can I get him to have sex!! 8 years without sex because he just doesn't want to go there - and he will not consider my having my very real and valid needs met outside the relationship. So it's be celibate against my will or walk away. What about tips on dealing with that?

More about him and his needs. I get him and his needs every day. Where is the help and advice for my needs? They are just as valid and just as important, even if the person with AS can't see that.

LethalGeek posted:

I need a cig after that

quote:

Anastasia McPherson Pilcher said...
You write "....someone who isn't selfish and who is prepared to do a lit of work without getting much back."

That describes a lot of As/NT relationships. Right now I'm depleted from my one-sided relationship with an aspie but even in a calm moment of clarity, why should anyone do this in a romantic or marital partnership? These relationships are supposed to be between equals and about reciprocity.

I believe that there are some aspies that could have a relationship that is give and take. It depends on how high their functioning is, where their deficits are and what compromises and accommodations the other partner can make. Post a here speak of clear communication, BUT these are the areas where people with Aspergers have trouble. If my husband and I could communicate, things might be at least bearable.

An example. Once, when very emotional after days of passive aggressive stonewalling from my partner, I shouted. "I would rather die than continue living like this. Please, talk to me. Just talk to me." My husband proceeded to start giving me a lecture on Winston Churchill. He was watching a documentary on Churchill at the time. When I responded "What the F ars you doing?" He replied "Talking to you. That is what you asked."

quote:

I have submitted my story because I found so much reassurance and support from reading other women's accounts of their relationships with a person with Asperger syndrome.

My husband and I have been married for 42 years and are of retirement age, although we both still work full-time. We have had serious relationship difficulties in certain areas for as long as we have known each other. We have seen probably about ten therapists, including CBT and couples therapists, but this has made absolutely no difference to our relationship.

Several years ago we were all reading The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-Time, and both my husband and our older daughter remarked that they recognized certain aspects of themselves in the book. Until then I had never heard of Asperger syndrome; but the moment when the mother in the story asked her son if she might just hold his hand and he refused, dug a familiar hole in my heart.

COMMUNICATION DIFFICULTIES

My husband is a highly intelligent superbly functioning man with a few exceptions: he appears to be largely incapable of empathy and either emotional or physical intimacy.

He is happy to do any job which needs doing: driving any family member anywhere they need to go, repairing anything broken, assisting one of the children or animals after an accident. But when I fell off a high ledge in the garden onto gravel and both my knees were pouring with blood, all he said was "You better get up now." He made no attempt to comfort or help me.

After I spent two months in America and returned having lost weight, he did not compliment me but remarked "You look like you’ve had a head transplant." He once said I looked "good", but has never said I looked pretty or lovely or anything of that nature.

INTIMACY

My husband has been predominantly asexual throughout our relationship and seems to have very little need for holding hands, kissing, or being physically affectionate. He has learned to 'bear hug' in the last few years; but it is certainly not an embrace.

He is adamant that he is not gay. My friends say he obviously loves me and our daughters, but he expresses himself practically rather than emotionally. I have often accused him of not having any feelings: he retorts that he does have feelings but that I do not recognize when he is expressing them. He finds it much easier to be demonstrative about our pets.

He used to buy me things like wheelbarrows and wallpaper until I complained. He has never bought me a piece of feminine or intimate apparel. He would much rather repair the vacuum cleaner, tidy the hundreds of jars of nails or screws in his workshop, or restore equipment on his boat than share emotional experiences with me.

He generally appears to be uncomfortable in the face of emotional displays, and has always tended to walk away and go back to work when there have been family arguments. I found the few holidays we have taken together very lonely and will not go away with him any more: the running commentary on the buildings we see and the history of the place is always very interesting, but there is no emotional content or rapport in response to new and exciting experiences.

TRYING TO UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR

He has great difficulty in recognising people; and if we are watching a film and the lead actress changes her hairstyle, he cannot recognise her as the same actress. He is very uncomfortable going into shops (other than DIY stores or chandlers which he knows well), and when he is given new clothes he can leave them in the cupboard or dresser drawers for several years before they 'feel friendly' and he is prepared to wear them.

When we sit at the dining table, he has an odd habit of closing one eye and 'lining things up' with the glazing bars on the windows. He cannot sit at the table without tipping his chair backwards and trying to balance it. He dries himself after a bath in exactly the same way every time. He eats the same breakfast and lunch every day, which he makes for himself using the same utensils. He always uses the same mug.

So much of my relationship with my husband has been tainted by our lack of emotional communication and the recriminations arising from it: feelings of responsibility, disappointment, my anger at his complete control of our relationship, his fear of my anger, feelings of inadequacy on both our parts, and mutual failure of understanding.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF EXPRESSING EMOTIONS

I spent 25 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and what I needed to change to get my husband to be interested in me. I have spent ten of the past 15 years, while we were seeing therapists, being angry about his insistence (acquired from one of the therapists) that I am equally at fault by not being patient enough with him.

A few years ago, I was feeling very dispirited: our younger daughter (in her 20s) was still coccooned at home, recovering from a long illness. I was plagued by chronic urgent diarrhoea which terrorized me when I had to go out in the car, my hair had inexplicably begun to fall out, and I had a ganglion on my foot which was about to have surgery. I said to my husband, "I could really do with some comforting.” His response, after 40 years of marriage, was "What sort of comforting would you like?"

Periodically, when my unhappiness became overwhelming, I used to force him to talk about our lack of love life (not just lack of sex.). He normally doesn't like to talk about emotional issues and says he cannot speak about what he feels. His response was that he was simply "unable to perform" and because he couldn’t perform, he thought that other physical/sensual communication was not necessary. It wasn't until he was prescribed Viagra, used it once and never used it again, that I understood that it wasn't that he couldn't perform, but that for whatever reason (which I could not then understand) he preferred not to.

At this point, I finally realised, with the help of my closest friend, that my husband actually had no idea what I meant when I complained about our lack of emotional communication and loving. His response was always "I am doing everything possible to make this marriage work", implying that I was being demanding and unreasonable to ask for anything else.

My husband is still very good-looking, intelligent, talented, philosophic, sweet, quiet, and undemanding – in fact the living image of many women's ideal man – so my complaints appeared unfounded and unreasonable to several of the therapists we saw as well.

ADJUSTING EXPECTATIONS

I searched for Asperger syndrome online. Among lots of other information, I found Sarah Hendrickx's Asperger's Syndrome - A Love Story and Maxine Aston's Aspergers In Love, which described my relationship with my husband completely and absolutely and at last put a name to everything I had already identified and understood.

It is not easy to leave a man like my husband, and there are many reasons why I decided to stay in this incomplete but worthwhile marriage. However, in order to survive it as a whole person and retain my sense of self and self-esteem, I also realised that I would have to establish new boundaries in our relationship.

I no longer have any expectations of my husband's ability to be affectionate and loving. As a result, I have ceased to put any pressure on him to change, he no longer feels threatened by demands he cannot understand, and we now have a friendly, communicative, and companionable relationship that works well.

I have also accepted that I am not responsible for my husband's problems, nor am I responsible for solving them. I am only responsible for making my own life happy and rewarding. I tend to keep very busy and get other kinds of fulfilment from my friends, children and career; but at quiet moments I still have not abandoned the idea of a love affair.

Dial-a-Dog posted:

I will never understand these people who stay in loveless/sexless relationships and marriages for years and decades. Twenty five years of trying to fix your marriage? Holy lol you'd be happier single and certain you'd die alone

Panfilo posted:

Sunk cost fallacy. You get so invested in trying to work things out, quitting at any point feels like all the years up to that point were a waste of time. A loveless marraige can also feel harder to justify to others vs a partner that is outwardly abusive, cheats, etc.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Well maybe they shouldn't have married a train-hugger to begin with

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My husband is of little to no support on that front either, the loneliness and building resentment is unbearable. I think it's wrong to tell us we should stay, this is our life, they can't help it, etc. I'd rather be alone than feel alone w/a man that takes no responsibility and just piles it on me. He left me alone through serious illness & has no friends & as a result I'm losing mine too. No one is comfortable around him & all he wants to do is blame me and make no changes. I can't imagine never knowing what it is to live w/o all of this stress and oddly, I want that for him too. Why don't they admit they would rather be alone, is it the change b/c he can go so long w/o noticing me, of course that is unless HE needs or wants something. If you aren't married yet, run, it will destroy you, they can't cope w/anything and you are always wrong and they are reclusive and lack all introspection and empathy except on the rarest of occasions. I'm scared, but I really think this time I'm done. I just wish he could let us be friends, maybe more, just can't live w/it day in and day out. I wish you all so much happiness and support.

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Get out of the house, join the gym, volunteer, go to places you have never been to before. Before you totally give up on what you have go find out what is out there. Take a deep breath put a smile on your dile and give it a go.

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I only recently realized my husband of 21 years has Asberger's. It has helped me to see why he's always been completely neglectful of me and self-involved, obsessive with his many hobbies - but never time nor communication with me and our two non-Aspie kids, whom I raised almost entirely alone. I want out but I dont' know how. Please share how you divorced these men - mine will be angry and take everything I have. Any help on what to say or how to deal with someone that has no concern for his wife's feelings? He always believes he's in the right. Thank you.

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Thank you all for sharing your experience. I would like to ask you one thing (I’m a foreigner, so sorry for any mistake I may make).
I’m about to marry a man I believe has Aspergers (I only discovered it few months ago, a real shock for me). I cried my eyes out, but now I need to think straight before the most important decision of my life (our wedding is planned in 1.5 months).
I always knew he’s different, especially with people, but I thought no one is perfect and that he’s a programmer, so it’s normal. But I’ve always felt aside him, not “with” him. Often his odd way of thinking, lack of knowledge about everyday things and indifferent attitude for some people (he doesn’t like some of my friends, but some of them he likes; he doesn’t have any real friends of his own) disturbed me, and I often felt embarrassed with his lack of “normal intelligence” and lack of normal human skills while we met my friends or his family (often he says nothing at all, not even a word).
But with me he’s so different – he’s very caring and sweet, always supporting me, organizing many things for me, smiling, taking well care of practical things (paying the bills, saving money for home, repairing things) and I feel I can trust him and rely on him and that he’s always there for me, like no one was before. Even emotionally – even if he doesn’t’ catch “emotional” issues of other people, he sees and hears it in my voice that something is wrong or that I’m pleased. So this is something that doesn’t suit me for an aspergers.. Do you think he will change once we’re married and moved in together? Did you have such experiences?
I think his dad can have aspergers too, he’s got no facial expressions, during 4 years I’ve known his son we talked maybe 4 times even though I was quite an often guest in their house, he’s always so uninterested, sleep in a different room that his wife. My fiancé’s mom who’s a nice person and very pretty woman, told me once that after getting married she was disappointed with her marriage because her husband didn’t compliment her, forget about her birthday etc. Frankly, when we’re somewhere together in his family I don’t see any bond between them as a married couple (my parents are happy together and you can see they love each other just by looking at them). Whereas when you enter my fiancé’s home is like entering a fridge. My fiancé says he doesn’t want to be this way in his own home, but I’m afraid he will be no different just because he was born this way. And it really scares me, especially the vision of him as a father. He wants to have children, he often says that he can’t wait to go camping with them or doing sport with them but I can’t imagine how we’ll bond with them as he’s not able to bond to other people, to even talk to them normally.. And children are small people who won’t make a conversation for him and won’t tell about their feelings like adults, like me.
I sometimes feel lonely, but I’ve always thought it’s because my expectations are too high, maybe any man can’t give us what we expect on emotional level.. I also observed physical symptoms from some time – I lost weight, have often hard headaches and doesn’t have the same energy as I used to have (and I was a very active, open person).
Maybe there’s a different degree of aspergers and my fiancés case is not so bad..

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I've really been blessed by reading these comments. I think it's hard for many to understand what the issues with our "non abusive" aspergers husbands are. my mother recently told me, at least he doesn't hit you. like really that ess all I should expect. I've been married for 15 years now to one. he works( keyboard issues on my phone, please forgive), but is not a good provider, especially considering his abilities, I can never resolve any issue as I'm always wrong, at fault, " stupid". I've rai sed his two sons,also with Aspergers, that's how I realized he had it, trying to raise them on my own. neither he or the mother did anything but make it harder, almost impossible. ive done it, both sons know, I'm the "only real parent" and we now have a daughter together. she sees all the dysfunction. my health is a complete wreck, or I would leave, and my daughter has health concerns, or I still would leave. I just no longer, after giving him my everything for all these years, and sacrificing my mental and physical health can leave with her. I have few job skills, that I can employe dueto my health. my husband is calm and genital, but he never responds, and even reapeated calm requests to a response get nothing, or a very delayed and still passive aggressive response, or sometimes anger. I never know, what he "hears" whenever something goes wrong he didn't "know" or "hear". even if I just told him! and i can't possibly tell him every single little thing. lists and notes don't help. repeated reminders dont help, he constantly undermines whatever I'm doing with the children and family and then claims ignorance yet his IQ is through the roof. I'm an affectionate person yet I haven't had a kiss, in many years. Truly I'm just venting here! I can't believe they will no longer even diagnose Aspergers syndrome, much less Cassandra's, but let me tell you I have Cassandra, and 3 of my 4 family members have it. my daughter loves her father, I fostered and helped him develope a relationship with all the children, however he can't " empathise" with them, and the guys can't empathise with me, I'm going bonkers, and my daughter has to see it all. I've damaged my spine, and more due to his direct inability to follow any requests, that basically incapacitated me. I have no family our friends support, they typically can't see the issue with my "affitable" husband.

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I was originally drawn to my husband because he was a math whiz. He knew everything about computers and could fix anything that broke. He had a sweet and quiet nature with handsome angelic looks. We dated for four years and at the time he did not own his own practice. He seemed to have a gentle strength. I was a single mom who had been married to a narcissist so a humble not so experienced man seemed just perfect. What I failed to really understand at the time was the following. He had no meaningful friendships. He never took the initiative to connect with people. He did excellent in school but had no social IQ,He never asked me questions that had any personal depth. After 4 years of dating I had to ask him what his intentions were because I did not want to continue to date him forever. Since we never lived together prior to marriage I only saw the good qualities he could bring for a visit or a weekend where he could then go to his home and lose himself in his computer. After 13 years of marriage I finally figured out that he had Aspergers. I spent so many lonely evenings crying in the shower. I thought I wasn't pretty enough because he never complimented me. I thought I couldn't cook good enough because I never got oohs and ahhs. At one point I thought he could be homosexual because he was only interested in sex about every 6-8 weeks. Even when holding him in an embrace i never felt like I could ever really reach into his heart. All in all, I became a bitchy, tired, mother to my husband. I started to point out that he was detached, not a team player. I told him he needed to help in the house and spend time with our kids. I started to tell him where he was falling short. The more I complained the more frustrated and angry I became the more he shut down and refused to interact until one day after having had an accident that landed him in the hospital, shortly after that he just walked out. He stated that he no longer loved me and wanted to be alone. I feel like I gave up so many years helping him in his practice, being responsible for the home and all in it. Losing myself in the process and never feeling any sort of appreciation or empathy for anything I might have experienced in life with him. If I had known and understood earlier perhaps we could have made it. So remember if you are in a marriage with an aspie and you are frustrated beyond hope stop criticizing it will go no where. Get help from a professional who deals with Aspergers and nothing less as many councelors do not know how to treat. If you are dating seriously think twice before getting married. You will never achieve complete relationship the way you hope for as sweet as they seem at first. My aspie is divorcing me and in many ways that makes me sad as I would have stayed if he sought help. Truly being without him feels no different than when we where married. Yes I miss the good I remember but I would rather be alone with the kids than married in our home with the illusion of a marriage. Sad to report the kids state they wouldn't want him back in the house and that they are more comfortable living without him.

quote:

et out while you are young- I waited til age 58 and am starting over with nothing.

DOMDOM posted:

Still doesnt explain the spouses quoted here, i want to hear their origin stories. How do you fall in love with someone incapable of emotion?

quote:

I am married to one for 18 yrs now. Very self-absorbed, with "I don't care attitude".

But, if you have children, parting is more complicated. You cannot decide what suits you personally. Have to think if separating will be good for the rest of the family. Plus, Asperger man can give you harder time after you left him, than if you stay in the same house...
What really getting hard for me personally, it to be single, officially being married.
No affection, appreciation... No sex for 2 yrs. I refuse it, because I feel used. I am just a female body for him.
When I go to the beach with children, I envy those couples, that walk along the beach, holding hands...
I don't know how it's going to end for us, but being "married" like this is worst than being single. Just because you are neither. You cannot even go for a date with no one, because you are married. You cannot enjoy intimacy in marriage, because you are actually - single, on your own.
I feel like I got lost...

quote:

Please help me!! I am 38 years old. Married to an aspie husband for 10 years. For the past few years, we only had sex like once in a year!! The only times he wanted sex was when he hoped to have a child (I guess). After having a child, the sex just stopped. He had ED problem but never want to admit it and didn't seek professional help. I told him to get a diagnosis for asperger but he get angry and in denial. He told me he was just fine. I can't even have a normal conversation with him like others. I am exhausted, frustrated, emotionally drained. I even think of commit suicide! Should I stay in this marriage for the sake of our child? At the age of 38, am I still able to find another man (who can have normal conversation with me, not after money, look etc). I felt so lonely, long for affection, empathy. I really need some supportive comment.

quote:

Sounds like you are a very good husband, and trying your best.
As emotions go... It is so complicated. The most of it cannot be explained, a person had to .. feel it, and understand..
Give you an example of how my husband is not...
Years ago our daughter had to have pretty serious surgery of her head.
Before the surgery we had an appointment with a doctor, and he explained all the details about surgery. It was so much to it. Like, if her little body reacts to a donor blood, they may not be able to save her life...Many other detail how her head is going to be reshaped...
Guess what? my husband was reading a brochure, that he found in the office, while doctor was doing all the explanation!...I couldn't believe it, but didn't want to comment on it while in the doctor's office. On the way home I told him how offensive it was.
Respond was: " You don't think I was able to hear the doctor while reading?"
We are married for 18 yrs now. Have children. All I see is mind, but no heart to him. ( I do not really know how to put it). It's like there is no soul, or whatever people call it. Just empty person, as a person goes. Cannot expect much from him.
When I am sick, or when I had a surgery, he is not caring or sympathetic. I am on my own.. If I ask him to bring me something, he will. But not from heart, not because he cares...
Why do women stay?

quote:

happy and proud of myself. Now, I am depressed, ill, have lost all confidence and feel trapped in a loveless marriage and I hate myself for it as much as I hate my husband for it. We didn't live together before marriage and both being in our 30s got married quickly and had our baby within a year, so we never had a lot of alone time. We had another child about 16 years ago and have not had sex since - AND HE HAS NEVER MENTIONED IT!!! I don't miss sex with him because he only knows what he has read from magazines and was inappropriate and unloving. I realised he had Aspergers a while ago and we went to counselling, but he only tells people what he thinks they want to hear and we got nowhere. After 23 years of inattention, his disappearing constantly for hours, getting hooked on hobbies that mean he can disappear into his own world and never interacting, with meaningless arguments that go nowhere and achive nothing, I am beaten down. Unfortunately our lives, home, income etc are tied up with a family business and if I left I know the family would write me off. I have produced the grandchildren and there is no more use for me, even though I work in the business and they would have struggle to find anyone as consciencious as me. My husband has no friends but it just doesn't bother him - as long as he can go through his routines, say the same phrases over and over, do the same things over and over, he seems happy!! I keep thinking you only have one life but I have been living a half life. It is only my children that keep me going. I am no longer the person I used to be and I am afraid she is gone forever now.

quote:

This is my husband. He just doesn't "get it" not at all. I feel like I'm the only person sustaining us. He's had six jobs in the last 12 months. When he's off or only working part time I work extra hours. I ask him to help out more at home but he will not. It's a constant fight. It does get worse once you are married. I will admit I have recently lost my cool and went ape poo poo nuts on him. I just can't take it anymore. I really feel like he does nothing for me and doesn't care. I recently was very ill (pneumonia) and he didn't even bother to help me out. He sat watching TV for two days and left for work early when a friend needed a ride. Is it too much to hope that he could ask if I need anything before he leaves?? Is sex seriously something I've come to beg for?? My self worth has plummeted. Everyone says they can't help this well that's bullshit because I think they are intelligent enough to at least TRY. I tried it all. Chore list. Reminders. Fighting. Begging. Being sweet as pie... It seems the only time he is happy is when I'm giving 100% and he has to give 0%. Sad but true. As of this minute in time I threw him out. (Third time this month but only times its ever happened) idk if I want him back. It's really like a life sucking vampire not a husband. He once told me I was his light in a dark place. Well... He took all my light and now I'm in the dark.

quote:

Part 1: Hey, I'm an aspie husband too and work hard to be as good a partner as I can be. Fortunately, I seem to be lower on the spectrum than many of the husbands described here. I click with what you wrote in a lot of ways - I am the breadwinner, I support my wife pursuing her interests, I have immense respect for her, I do lots of nice things for her, try to help around the house, etc. I don't know if low libido is really an aspie thing, my wife gets as much as wants, for as long as she wants, whenever she wants, and however she wants (about 10 to 16 times a week). She gets massages and flowers and treats, breakfast in bed 4 days a week, I make her nice meals when I'm home, etc. (kinda stuck come mother's day!). I'm very very rarely angry and it's usually a single outburst (just shouting). Happens maybe once every few years or so. We've been together over 20 years. She gets mad at me quite often, but she's almost always right and I own up to my mistakes right away. I'm honestly quite selfless and have an intense drive to help others. I'm in health care in a small community and it's not uncommon for me head out at 9pm on a Sunday to help someone.

However, there are things that I just suck at, and I thought I'd share them, and what we do about them, as it might help you and NTs as well.

When my wife needs emotional support I feel overwhelmed by a number of things. I really want to help, but have no idea how and that really bugs me. What she's talking about usually doesn't stir much emotion in me (but I think that goes together with the aspie strength of not being judgemental) so I can't share feelings with her because of that. I get this feeling like something's trying to work in my brain but isn't - it's like when you're trying to remember a word but can't, only 10X the intensity. It's very uncomfortable and disconcerting. I get a little angry and embarrassed because I know I'm terrible at that stuff and wish she didn't come to me with it. Like how a blind person would feel if they were repeatedly asked for their opinion on paint colours for someone's living room. I do have a hard time empathizing when she's having a different emotional response than me, and I feel like some emotion should be coming up but just isn't, and it does make me feel broken or defective and I really struggle with not hating myself for being this way. All of these converge to make a turmoil of negative emotions - discomfort, embarrassment, guilt, helplessness, anger at myself, and inadequacy.

What helps is when my wife comes to me needing support, she starts off by saying "I need you to..." before saying "because...". So that might be needing a hug, a nice dessert, just listening and being fully present but not giving input per se, having a date night, spend an evening with her friends, etc. so that I am clear on what the action is and don't have to guess and feel terrible when I can't, and can avoid feeling angry at being helpless and clueless. I know the answer before I'm presented with the problem.

Part 2: While some things fail to illicit a reaction, other things effect me too strongly, like criticism, or generally seeing conflict, or people doing bad things to other people (I can NOT watch the news). Because of my conflict aversion, my wife feels like she's walking on eggshells all the time and having to reign in her comments. So knowing this, I try to check my emotions rather than asking her to not express herself. Meditation really helps with this, as well as helping with my spaciness. It helps me be present and notice what's going on more without getting emotionally overwhelmed. I think meditation is mandatory for people like me/us. I think aspies are actually overly emotional and emotionally sensitive and don't know how to deal with it. I think aspie/HFA kids need to be taught coping skills early - you've got a brutal combination of an intense desire to please and be accepted and helpful and a need for positive feedback, matched with an inability to interact with people appropriately which leads to ostracism and ridicule and rejection, all in a person who is super sensitive to such negativity. The desire to just numb oneself is very strong ("numb" was one of my favourite U2 songs as a youth). I think a lot of these android aspies have just learned to cope with extreme emotions by shutting down and distracting themselves. (Not that I'm entirely guilt free - my wife lets me play solitare when we need to have a serious conversation, as I can actually be more present and listen better this way.) But I suspect if you created a really trusting, safe place, and taught some coping skills a lot of these "androids" would come to life! Anyway - meditation - works.

Having appropriate expectations is common advice, but advice that makes the NT annoyed because they have to be the one compromising all the time. It's important, but for us it's just a first step. Just because you might not expect an aspie to meet a certain need doesn't mean it's no longer a need. Depending on what that need is, it's important to figure out how that need is going to be met. If it's emotional support, it's really good to have a strong friend network. For us this means my wife going out to social events and dinners without me, going out with friends or having them for tea when I'm at work, as I don't do social situations well, especially with more than two other people. We love spending time together, and I miss her when she's gone, but this is very helpful and important for her. This may require informing people why you're doing this and we do - it's not because we're having a rocky relationship! In fact, when I've had some alone time and she's had some social time we are both recharged and happy when we get together again. I think this is important as a lot of NT partners will feel drained and imprisoned if their antisocial partner keeps them from fulfilling their social needs.

In public, my wife calls me "dear" if I'm doing something aspie - like spacing out, or missing a formality or something. She never calls me "dear" otherwise, but people don't know that. If she does have a little edge to her voice when she says it, that's a pretty common thing for wives to do with their husbands anyway, so people might smirk a little but otherwise not think anything of it. But she doesn't need to put any edge to it because the word itself is only used for that, so she can say it quite calmly and lovingly and I get the message just fine.

Part last: One of my ultimate goals is to learn to be "me" more. From a young age I've been told off for everything I was doing. To be accepted, and even just as a survival strategy, I started learning how to act in ways that weren't natural to me. I have a picture of what looks like one of those inspirational posters that says "BE YOURSELF! No... not like that though." Which sums up my life pretty well. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 8 years old (not good at tying knots, I remember thinking "Oh great, you can't even do that right!"). But that means I've spent my life being this person I've created to be accepted by others. I have a desire for my wife to learn more about Aspergers so that she can sometimes, on occasion, when it's safe and convenient, to let me try being "me" more. That would involve trying a certain way of acting and seeing if it felt authentic or not, if it made me feel good or not, like you would do in preschool. I feel like the real "me" is 4 years old still. I don't know if I'll be able to explore my true self in this way, but maybe with time and understanding and support it might happen.

I think that covers most of our coping mechanisms. Obviously it won't solve every problem for every couple and some aspies are much more affected than I am so these won't work for them/you. Just trying to give some concrete, real life examples that work for us. I hope some of them help!

brotato posted:

Pick why did you post all these sad stories about abused women. I am p sure this thread is for funny stories. Why are you punishing us.

Regulation Size posted:

Simply just "LOL" if you are a teenaged-to-young adult woman and have not realized that anywhere between 5-20 men are jacking their rods to the thought or image of literally you at any given time, all of the time.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Khorne posted:

She wants him to take the initiative and has done everything short of suspending herself from the tent ceiling with her legs spread for him to accidentally walk his dick into her.

Dial-a-Dog posted:

I can't wait to tune in tomorrow and find out how he sperged his way out of this sure thing, assuming blatantly ignoring it three nights in a row hasn't gotten him there yet

Dial-a-Dog posted:

This poor girl probably thinks she's getting friendzoned herself

"Dear Reddit, I masturbated loudly right next to my crush in our tent three nights in a row and he kept literally running away why doesn't he like me"

Dial-a-Dog posted:

Haha yeah it's definitely weird, but I'm assuming there was probably other stuff the dude wrote off or ignored and this was her hail Mary pass

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Yeah younger me was guilty as well, I "get it" and hope reddit helps him out.

"My crush came over in a nurse outfit and her boobs were all hanging out and stuff, soooo distracting. She kept talking about examining me and putting on rubber gloves real slow. Well, long story short, 3 consultations later I'm still not vaccinated for Typhoid! What gives reddit?"

Redmanred posted:

Bonzo posted:

My [27M] first serious girlfriend [21F] is intersex and it's putting a massive strain on our relationship


Pardon me if I sound ignorant but how do you "remove female genitalia" from a baby? Was this kid born a hermaphrodite? I understand female circumcision but that's not done on babies or toddlers and cultures that practice this don't choose their child's gender.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Apparently Owls are meaner, to the point where even people experienced in Falconry etc. will lose fingers and eyes to them.

Dial-a-Dog posted:

I feel like it's the hot new defense mechanism to avoid having to do any introspection or accept any blame for the failure of a relationship. Also at least a handful of these stories have one partner using accusations of abuse to be abusive themselves

loquacius posted:

People on the Internet always tell you to sever no matter what

Multiple goons in E/N once told me I needed to break off my engagement because my fiancee and I would sometimes argue about where we were going to live in five years

LethalGeek posted:

Im starting to think people just shouldn't date before 25

loquacius posted:

This remains the biggest blunder of the entire engagement period, because it led to me reading some bad posts

Unsurprisingly the winning solution, rather than anything they said, turned out to be "postpone the decision again and let life solve the issue for you, in the form of most of her immediate family moving out of her home state for unrelated reasons, which makes her want to move there less"

These days she's even talking about leaving her job to get another one closer to my work so we can buy a house out here and both have easy commutes. Everything's comin up loq

big trivia FAIL posted:

if you and your SO argue about something as minor as completely upending your lives to move to a new place then you both need therapy, possibly medication, and need to set unconditional boundaries. personally, would think long and hard about completely dissolving the relationship, as this has all of the classic signs of mental and emotional abuse

big trivia FAIL posted:

as a poly, i agree that a 3rd party can provide a different perspective, coming into the relationship without the existing baggage

loquacius posted:

I am open to this idea but I think we should probably have some babies first

y'know, to keep us grounded

Tender Bender posted:

Also lmao when you are over the age of 16 and/or have been dating for longer than two weeks and advocate ghosting as a good end to a relationship. Most of the time this is before the OP has even confronted the SO about the suspected issue or let them know if anything is wrong. Your girlfriend asked you to walk her dog? Move your stuff out when she's at work and block her.

loquacius posted:

oh poo poo you're right

I know just the people we should have our trustbabies with, too: her narcissistic drug-addicted abusive ex, and her best friend! This is assuming neither of us is expecting after we have the customary month of nightly unprotected Tinder hookups natch. That'd move the timetable up a little bit, but with help from our friends The Internet I'm sure we'd be just fine

scrubs season six posted:

Yeah, I think it's legit and even if it weren't I guarantee identical things happen pretty regularly.

loving lol @ "We're not going to pay for your third wedding" equating to "no more than $15,000" in mom's eyes.

LethalGeek posted:

Depends if the law school table is set over a trap door into the pits of hell where those people belong and how much you like your spider friend

Jack Trades posted:

I'm sorry about your micropenis.