loquacius posted:

Wait, I'm remembering a line from Game of Thrones now about a slice of ginger minge or something, so I guess it is both A Thing and An England Thing

Malpais Legate posted:

Somehow these aren't nearly as bad as pussy.

LuisN posted:

It's real hard to see actual confessions from OP when everyone keeps engaging in lovely small-talk. I swear you guys have zero self control.

anonymous posted:

Hillary praises MOLOCH - a Canaanite God in a certain email and makes reference to sacrifices to him.

anon posted:

I live in a university residence with 4 other guys. We've all got a job that we do to clean/maintain the house. I am in charge of the bathroom. This week we're holding a house meeting that I called to address the fact that the bathroom is constantly covered in piss. Someone pisses all over the floor every single day and nobody will admit to it, so I have called a meeting to get to the bottom of it.

My confession is that it's me. I'm the piss man. I do it because all of my roommates are actually extremely clean in the bathroom. It's typically spotless and I barely ever have to do anything, and this means I have no leverage when I gently caress up the kitchen and the kitchen roommate has to clean it up. He can freely yell at me because I basically have no housework to do and none of them ever make my job harder. BUT NOW, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND. THE COFFEE RING I LEFT ON KITCHEN COUNTER PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE OCEANS OF PISS I WADE THROUGH IN THE NAME OF BATHROOM HYGIENE. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME, GEOFF.

LethalGeek posted:

a giant weirdo

loquacius posted:

The above two confessions were from the same Guerrillamail session. In light of this, and because I have a whole bunch of 'em today, here's a third.

poopnanners posted:

lol that guy got you to post goatse and now i'm reposting it

Wizzle posted:

I'm working from home today and had to turn around on my way to lunch to get on a high priority conference call. I don't have much in the house to eat and it would be incredibly rude of me to eat while on the phone anyway. I've also been on a diet lately to drop the holiday weight. I'm so jealous right now because I'm so hungry.

Jim Barris posted:

Sometimes when I see people with bumber stickers that are egregiously stupid I break all the valve stems on their tires. I'm not sure if that's what its called but basically their tires go flat. It's fairly passive-aggressive and petty but, well, I hate those dumb loving stickers of calvin pissing on various things.

loquacius posted:

The Management posted:

Another confession thread success story. Have fun with it, therapy goon. But be aware that when you're "better" she's probably going to lose interest and be into another patient.

hosed-Up Little Dog posted:

Can I confess that I don't know the story of the "pissbitch" in the thread title? What was that about?

quote:

I got a real crazy brain. Fortunately it's not violent crazy or sex crazy or liar crazy. It's a crazy that I've lived with my entire life and it basically just manifests itself as absolute utter madness. Otherwise I'm pretty goddamn normal, late 20's, got a salaried job, close with my family, lots of friends and hobbies, active dating and sex life. But when I'm alone and I haven't taken my ADHD medicine the crazy comes out.

- I'm obsessed with the following words: bees, beef, beans. At least once I day I hear myself saying out loud: "Get beefy, bitch", or "Get REAL beefy, bitch" (I like to put a lot of emphasis on the word real)

- It's nearly impossible for me to pee at a urinal in public, and even at home alone sometimes. But saying things like "c'mon you lil pissbitch" quietly to myself and generally just berating myself seems to help a lot. Just to be clear, I don't actually hate myself. It's all nonsense.

- Other words that get stuck in my head that I'm compelled to repeat with complete spontaneity: Arf, kunger, kungee (those last two are, of course, made up words)

- I talk to myself out loud soooo loving much. It's so bad that I'll ask a question out loud and then answer it. I sometimes find myself using the word "we" to describe myself like I have multiple personalities or something but I don't, it's just me talking to me, and that ends up becoming we.

- I have a lot of musical training so I've got a great ear. I use that to sing songs to myself, sometimes in an accent or a weird voice, and usually I'll be replacing the majority of the lyrics with one of the above mentioned words...beans is the favorite here

- It's probably at its worst when I'm driving. I always assume I'm "alone" when driving which is stupid because my car's not very soundproof and I certainly don't have tinted windows. I like to see how high and loud I can yell, and in order to sing well I have to sing loud and I'm usually listening to some retarded comedy music like Epic Rap Battles of History. I've probably alarmed more people stopped at red lights than anyone I know. Once, around Christmas time, Jingle Bell Rock came on and I got in a loop repeating "That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell" at the end for a good 5 minutes before I stopped. Again I was alone so this was for the benefit of literally no one. After a while it was just so automatic, I felt like it was somebody else singing "That's the jingle bell" over and over and I was thinking, why? Why am I doing this?

And so many other weird little things. Those are the ones that seem to crop up more frequently, but the bottom line here is that when I'm alone and unmedicated I practically turn into a real-life Looney Tunes version of a sputtering mental patient with a straightjacket on. To add to the craziness, I often like to pretend that the entire world is watching me do all this crazy stuff, like, LITERALLY the entire world. The entire population of earth has been forced into giant amphitheatres and they're just watching a live stream of my life. A lot of them are confused because they don't speak English, others are laughing, others are paying no attention at all, others are weirded out and disgusted. And sometimes I imagine specific people in my life, what they would say, what I would say back to them, and so on and so forth.

I'm totally at peace with all this and honestly not all that ashamed really, just gotta make sure that when the person I end up marrying learns all of this that she doesn't get too freaked out. Occasionally I actually crack myself up with the stupid gibberish I hear coming out of my mouth. But I wonder, do other people do any crazy poo poo like what I've described? Or am I straight up certifiable?

Sjs00 posted:

He just has really really big hands like Jack Kelley, Lawyer.

loquacius posted:

If Josh Duggar could be forgiven with no consequences for molesting his sisters I'm sure a few nude pix will be a piece of cake to put in the past

Again just cry in public

The Management posted:

Creepy friend guy: your friendship is on borrowed time already. Sorry to be the one to break this to you. You are going the "normal" route while your friend is just going to go further into this vortex of garbage thinking until he is completely insufferable.

Leon Einstein posted:

Do you honestly believe this?

loquacius posted:

My twin brother and I are in an alcohol and rage fueled feud that has threatened to destroy our family and our small town.

We were supposed to get tattoos on our 21st birthday that had the phrase "We Ride Together, We Die Together" and we were going to get them on our chests. The day of the tattoos come and my brother never shows up. I try calling and no answer. Turns out he went for a job interview at the lumber yard. The same job I applied for and we both agreed would be a better fit for me.

So my brother got the lumber yard job and is living pretty high on the hog from it. About 30 hours a week guaranteed, making 12 bucks an hour to start and he has benefits. Meanwhile I have to get a job at the Pizza Hut to keep the lights on and I come home smelling greasy every day and I'm lucky to get 4 hours a day. But the kicker is my brother never got the tattoo, even 3 years later now, so I look like an idiot when people ask me who I ride with. Nobody I guess.

So he starts driving around town in this fancy new truck and I'm so angry so I slash his tires. He figures it's me so he slashes my tires the next day. Big war of escalation here and I end up driving his trailer in to the pond. It didn't sink but it was a bitch to pull out I bet. And he gets me back by putting 3 dead hogs in my trailer and cranking the heat up to max all day long.

The next step is definitely us fighting it out but I love my brother and I know I would kill him in a fight. I have been watching a lot of fight videos on youtube to prepare and I think within 5 blows I could finish him off this mortal plane. 1 if we can use weapons in this fight and I get my Renaissance Sword.

To make things worse we each have a son by the same woman, who I believe is pitting us against each other in the hopes of getting our estates. She's still in my will (I haven't had time to fix it but plan to when I visit the lawyer in May to discuss some other tax issues) and would get my entire savings account, the trailer, and the truck. My brother is still seeing her on and off and I believe his will also includes her.

The Management posted:

I can't believe you idiots are taking the bait on this fake as hell drunk driving story. It's an exercise in being an unreliable narrator, where he denies something but then it becomes clear that it's true. Except he goes way overboard with it to the point of absurdity.

purple death ray posted:

Honestly I don't know why anybody wants to have kids but I think them being better at life than you were is really the entire point, isn't it? You had it rough so you can give your kid a leg up, and he makes life even better for his future kids, and so on. If future generations aren't going to be better than their parents society just stands still.

And yeah unless he's full on Doogie Howser and going to graduate college by the time he's 13 don't skip him grades.

Sjs00 posted:

some people call me Maurice

quote:

A long time ago (1990's) my then girlfriend cheated on me with someone I considered a close friend. The details finally came out, and of course we broke up, and I stopped being friends with the dude. Since then, I don't think about her much, but I do think about him. I don't look him up, and I have no idea what he's doing now.

What I think about, is, if I ever got some horrible diagnosis and was told I had only months to live, how I would like to track him down and then do something to him to get revenge. Not kill him, but just like permanently hurt him, like cut off his hand or shatter his ankle or something, so for the rest of his life, he'd have a reminder of me, and that I paid him back.

LingcodKilla posted:

Jokes on her though. The guy she hosed around on went clinically insane a few years later and ended up taking a swan dive off the lighting fixtures of a very popular music venue in front of hundreds of people.

feshes posted:

quote:

I was reading the relationship thread and learned something new - women's breasts aren't filled with milk.

I assumed that was what gave them the bounce and softness and that sucking on the nipple released the milk. This, to me, was why men sucked on nipples of their lovers. To get the milk. And obviously babies breastfeed. I've never touched a breast or sucked on a nipple so I didn't have empirical evidence.

I wiki'd that and now I see how it really works, which I guess makes more sense. But now I feel really stupid and it's especially bad because I'm in my 20s and didn't know this.

quote:

The Management posted:

Hey, angry airborne, get your rear end to the VA and tell them you need to talk to someone about being incapable of rotating into civilian life. Be completely honest with the person they have you talk to.

Stale Saltines posted:

Holy gently caress, and I thought I had road rage issues because I honk at people and sometimes brake check people who are tailing me too close.

quote:

I failed out of college. Not my fault - [bullshit bullshit bullshit]

KomodoWagon posted:

He will never in his life realize where he went wrong here. Lmao

SniperWoreConverse posted:

wasn't there a goon who's Halloween costume involved red lenses, and he said it completely hosed him up all night and it took a couple days to get normal vision back?

quote:

I recently found out my girlfriend has a box of mementos from past relationships. I was a little bothered by it, but understand that those relationships shaped her to be the person she is today.

Well one day she was working late and in a moment of weakness I looked through the box. I understand this broke her trust, but what's done is done. The issue is what I found inside the box. There were the usual notes and pictures and whatnot. There were also multiple condoms, with a note card stapled to each one. The note cards all had a name, a date, and a number under it. I figured out the name and date pretty quick, but am still confused as to what the number means. Number of orgasms? Rating the guy? I don't know.

There was a condom for me in there and I realized from the date that it was from the first time we had sex. I'm guessing the other condoms are the same thing. And thinking back - we had sex in her apartment and I just threw the condom in the trash. She must have fished it out later.

This is serial killer type poo poo, right? How can I confront her on this without admitting I broke her trust?

limp_cheese posted:

Drinking water and taking a few vitamins isn't a bad idea. The bad idea was doing ONLY that and not eating healthier or exercising. If you only did the vitamins and water you would probably gain weight since you would kill your metabolism.

Then again you only lasted 2 hours on your dumb loving diet and seem to have no shame so enjoy being such a fat piece of poo poo fat pieces of poo poo look down on you.

It's never too late to turn it around. It will be a long and very tough journey but worth it in the end. You'll also have people rooting for you and be willing to help or give advice.

That probably fell on deaf ears so might as well end it all and be the news story you think you'll be, fatty.

loquacius posted:

limp-dick advice ITT