Remembering ZerglingMinor

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Remembering ZerglingMinor

Kahran: Jun 1, 2000; Forum Veteran

It's been quite a while since I've been around these forums. I was on a nostalgia trip recently, remembering some great moments from many years ago. I got to remembering a forum member, ZerglingMinor, that had a very large presence here, quite literally and figuratively. He was a mountain of a main that told many great stories here.

You can read more about him from his SAclopedia entry here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/dictionary.php?act=3&topicid=1705

I stopped visiting here as much as I used to about 10 years or so, but never heard what happened to this awesome guy. Turns out, this tortured soul ended up committing suicide. The details of what happened were posted on reddit a while back by one of ZM's best friend. He was the same guy who took the infamous photo of ZM standing next to an Aquafina machine. I reached out to this friend who replied back with a few stories we never got to hear. So I have created this thread to honor the legacy of the great ZerglingMinor.

I apologize if some of the formatting is a bit off. All of these stories are told by ZM's close friend. I hope everyone enjoys.

quote:

Fun fact: That movie that was made about the time he loomed over a rude guy at the hotel? It was under-exaggerated. First off, they didn't get Ian's voice anywhere near deep enough. Second off, the doorway is down a half flight of stairs from the reception desk. The guy had not only pissed himself, but had stumbled on the way down or just straight up gone too fast and had rammed into the wall hard enough to transfer a slacks-shaped piss stain before stumbling out into the night and skidding off. I lived in the same town, about three minutes away from ZM's place, and he told me about an hour after everything happened.

I visited him the next morning while they had the entrance partially blocked off and had a couple of the cleaning staff attacking the wall with whatever the hell they use to clean piss off paint. Good times.

quote:

Story #2: Ian was a huge dude. That Aquafina machine picture? I took that. Granted, I was kneeling at the time, and the girl he was looming over is something like 4'10", but that doesn't detract from the fact that he was 7'4". Before he'd lost his leg to a workplace accident, his dad had been 7'9". His mom was the shortest one in the family, and was still just a hair under 6' herself.

The point I'm making here is that he lived on a mountain. Literally on the side of a ski mountain, and when we worked there my first winter living in Pa, we'd just walk about a hundred feet through the woods behind the snowboarding run to get to his house. This isn't relevant at all to the story, all I needed to say was "He lived on a really steep hill", but I think the fact that he was a literal mountain giant from a family of mountain giants is just kind of awesome.

quote:

Ian drove a 1983 Ford Bronco with some kind of Chevy transmission and a gear shift lever sloppy enough to qualify for its own episode of Hoarders. There was so much play in the lever that he never locked the vehicle because he was about the only one who knew it intimately enough to actually be able to get it into gear.

Well, the catalytic converter had long since blown itself out all over the highway, at that time it had been something like three or four years prior. The winter before I moved out there, he had done some work and had accidentally left the connector on the ignition coil loose. On his way down the mountain to head to work (because why hike through knee-deep snow when you can drive paved roads and not have to trek all the way down to the office to punch in then trek all the way back up?), the connector worked its way loose. For the entire way down the hill, there was no spark, but the engine was still in gear, and the carburetor was still sucking fuel through the engine and dumping it out the exhaust pipe, leaving a trail most of the way back to his driveway.

Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, the force of stopping the vehicle is apparently enough to wiggle the connector back into contact, and the engine regains ignition.

As you'd imagine, having what is essentially a long fuse made entirely of gasoline leading from your exhaust manifold to your driveway at the top of a four hundred foot hill leads to some interesting fireworks.

Well, having discovered this quirk of a vehicle that uses a mechanical fuel pump and a carburetor, he did some experimenting and soon discovered that by just turning the key off and flooring the gas for a few seconds without the engine firing, he could pool a decent glob of gasoline down into the exhaust pipes. And that upon reengaging the key, the resulting fireball would launch several feet out of the tailpipe, and equally as impressive, would make a loud report almost like a rifle shot.

As you can imagine, several tailgating idiots learned a valuable lesson in following distance. I like to imagine that some of them also learned the value of Scotch-gard. And, of course, being ZerglingMinor, he'd also occasionally drive us out to one of the local outdoor malls when there were lots of obnoxious teenagers about and we'd giggle like schoolgirls as he'd casually set off loud, fiery BOOMS about thirty feet away from them.

Kahran fucked around with this message at 16:30 on Oct 17, 2016

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:27

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# ? May 23, 2024 01:31

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

RIP literally the biggest goon

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:34

CharlestonJew: Jul 7, 2011; Illegal Hen

how big was zergling major

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:39

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

CharlestonJew posted:

how big was zergling major

Let's just say he was pretty god drat big

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:40

Kahran: Jun 1, 2000; Forum Veteran

Infamous picture in question.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:45

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

man thats some great hair

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:46

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

Uncle Wemus posted:

RIP literally the biggest goon

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:49

Teikanmi: Dec 16, 2006; by R. Guyovich

That's kinda sad

Wonder if his size had anything to do with it

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:49

Kahran: Jun 1, 2000; Forum Veteran

Teikanmi posted:

That's kinda sad

Wonder if his size had anything to do with it

From what I gathered he was in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:50

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

Teikanmi posted:

That's kinda sad

Wonder if his size had anything to do with it

he had big problems

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:51

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

I wonder how many others goons have gone to the forum in the sky.

Half of my buddy list hasn't posted in several years, there's a non zero chance some are six feet under

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:52

wynott dunn: Aug 9, 2006; What is to be done?

Who or what can challenge, and stand a chance at beating, the corporate juggernauts dominating the world?

I had forgotten how big of a goon he was

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:53

Teikanmi: Dec 16, 2006; by R. Guyovich

Kuato posted:

I wonder how many others goons have gone to the forum in the sky.

Half of my buddy list hasn't posted in several years, there's a non zero chance some are six feet under

There was that one FYAD goon who jumped off a parking structure like 10 stories up

Then someone made a post saying "I wonder what the last thing that went through his head was" and someone replied "probably a parking cone"

# ? Oct 17, 2016 16:55

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

Ruck posted:

From what I gathered he was in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally.

joking aside my cousin is 7 feet tall and is in near constant pain in both his legs and back so its not too unbelievable

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:00

CharlestonJew: Jul 7, 2011; Illegal Hen

Printer goon killed himself too

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:00

Kahran: Jun 1, 2000; Forum Veteran

Kuato posted:

I wonder how many others goons have gone to the forum in the sky.

If there totals for each forum, my money would be on TCC being the largest sum.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:01

Bum the Sad: Aug 25, 2002; Hell Gem

CharlestonJew posted:

Printer goon killed himself too

lol really?

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:01

Kahran: Jun 1, 2000; Forum Veteran

Uncle Wemus posted:

joking aside my cousin is 7 feet tall and is in near constant pain in both his legs and back so its not too unbelievable

Acromegaly?

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:02

Minimalist Program: Aug 14, 2010

get this: some smaller goon set he self on fire.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:07

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

Ruck posted:

Acromegaly?

probably, his parents aren't that tall

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:09

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

Nobody will remember those of us of average size and gooniness when we die. farts in the wind, all of us.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:16

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

untrue; several goons have realized the secret to being remembered is to kill several other people as well as yourself

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:19

GRILLARY CLINTON: Mar 5, 2016; I know the devil is real.
I know the devil is real.

rip gentle goon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf5UfOuvQHQ

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:27

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

he pwnd himself and thats kinda sad even though i didnt know him I wish he didnt do it

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:31

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Minimalist Program posted:

get this: some smaller goon set he self on fire.

how many goons have melted themselves

remember that goon that melted himself in his car and some guy wrote in his remembrance thread "lol who could have foreseen these events" and linked to him being the OP of the opioid megathread? p sure the hero from that thread got banned but that was the sickest loving burn i've ever seen

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:33

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

hth posted:

how many goons have melted themselves

remember that goon that melted himself in his car and some guy wrote in his remembrance thread "lol who could have foreseen these events" and linked to him being the OP of the opioid megathread? p sure the hero from that thread got banned but that was the sickest loving burn i've ever seen

lol tcc is the best subforum

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:37

ruddiger: Jun 3, 2004

Rest in peace to the realest goon on goon block.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:39

Boner Zone: Jan 14, 2006; by Nyc_Tattoo

he probably had a huge dick, I didn't know the guy but feel pretty comfortable saying that's how he'd like to be remembered

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:46

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

hth posted:

how many goons have melted themselves

remember that goon that melted himself in his car and some guy wrote in his remembrance thread "lol who could have foreseen these events" and linked to him being the OP of the opioid megathread? p sure the hero from that thread got banned but that was the sickest loving burn i've ever seen

the grieving widow spent the rest of the trhread trying to get advice on how to commit insurance fraud

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:47

Ichabod Tane: Oct 30, 2005; A most notable
coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

https://youtu.be/_Ojd0BdtMBY?t=4

hth posted:

how many goons have melted themselves

remember that goon that melted himself in his car and some guy wrote in his remembrance thread "lol who could have foreseen these events" and linked to him being the OP of the opioid megathread? p sure the hero from that thread got banned but that was the sickest loving burn i've ever seen

Hahaha, WHAT. Did this guy set himself on fire while doped up or something?

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:47

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

Glenn Quebec posted:

Hahaha, WHAT. Did this guy set himself on fire while doped up or something?

he passed out in his car and baked to death like a potatoe

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:51

Mordja: Apr 26, 2014; Hell Gem

Teikanmi posted:

There was that one FYAD goon who jumped off a parking structure like 10 stories up

Is that the same one who wrote some giant manifesto and killed himself after a very minor altercation with the police? If not there are two jumpers.

I think he posted in D&D.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:51

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

I'd read the poo poo out of a very comprehensive and spergy compilation of all goon death.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:53

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Mordja posted:

Is that the same one who wrote some giant manifesto and killed himself after a very minor altercation with the police? If not there are two jumpers.

I think he posted in D&D.

he jumped off a bridge and in his suicide note said that people should take gender studies classes iirc

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:54

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Enfield posted:

he passed out in his car and baked to death like a potatoe

he tried a dutch oven and you went for flamebroiled :xd:

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:54

CharlestonJew: Jul 7, 2011; Illegal Hen

Bum the Sad posted:

lol really?

im pretty sure he did, I read it in some other thread and its the most believable thing I've ever read on these forums

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:55

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

artificially stocked lake posted:

he tried a dutch oven and you went for flamebroiled

im more like a hash brown

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:57

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

What stickied-threads for these who die as cattle?
� Only the monstrous anger of the mods.
Only the stuttering fingers' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no probation nor bans;
Nor any voice of mourning save the Ruck,�
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing boasts;
And bugles calling for them from sad posts.

What threads may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys, but in their keyboards
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.
The pallor of curvy goonettes' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of retard minds,
And each dead forum a drawing-down of blinds.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 17:58

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

Blue Train posted:

untrue; several goons have realized the secret to being remembered is to kill several other people as well as yourself

Dulce et de'forum est pro patria mori.

# ? Oct 17, 2016 18:00

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# ? May 23, 2024 01:31

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

one time i got banned for calling out some "r" word in TCC about his like 5th fake suicide thread because he wanted attention and telling him just to loving do it already then a few years later he finally did overdose in some park and died. I think the mods owe me :10bux:

# ? Oct 17, 2016 18:01

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