- Android Blues
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after the birth of my child, i can't kick my by-now-crippling pregnancy vitamin habit. my hair gets longer and glossier with each fistful of them i shovel into my hand and then shovel, using my hand, into my mouth. my wrist, neck, and other points of peak blood pressure have developed tiny heartbeats of their own. my spine is starting to kick
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Dec 2, 2016 15:55
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May 6, 2024 02:35
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- Android Blues
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I have "pregnancy brain". No, it's not that dubiously scientific thing where a pregnant woman turns stupid because of the baby distracting her tummy. It's the huge, individuated heartbeat brain I have, and play Mozart to to make smarter, thanks to my 100/ a day habit of pregnancy vitamins.
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Dec 2, 2016 15:59
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- Android Blues
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Nytol? Try Nytolways. I use their Anti-Snoring Throat Spray at a dosage of ten thousand sprays/Kg body weight. I have begun to do "inward snores", which impart sibillant knowledge into my brain for a period of several hours over deep REM. Partners and nearby sleepers merely hear a sound like a snake quietly shedding its skin. I now know how to tie knots, balance my budget, and access the primal self.
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Dec 2, 2016 16:21
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- Android Blues
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Every day for the last two years I've stubbed my toe on parked cars. I'm now immune to car accidents. I cross the street without looking, and a bus fruitlessly bounces off my shoulder. The street is a plinko board. My antibodies dissolve a semi. I cannot be stopped
Plagued by dry eyes, I slam a bottle of flax pills. The tears come in a trickle - a torrent - a jet. I am a saline Cyclops and my very sight is destruction. After a hard lesson on responsibility I decide to volunteer as a fountain at a mini golf course
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Dec 8, 2016 10:18
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- Android Blues
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my lieutenant: it's over, general google this! we're dead! the doctor army has breached our walls and they're closing in on our position!
me: (pries the lid off a crate to reveal a full bushel of apples) not for long.
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Dec 8, 2016 19:09
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Dec 2, 2016 15:55
