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*updates plot armor page on torahtropes.com*
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Dec 13, 2016 07:26
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hth posted:"that goyim...he's...inhuman!"
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Dec 13, 2016 08:01
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hot take: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M3ld8HiD44 *tips fedora at u*
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Dec 13, 2016 08:05
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Isaac posted:"So then the golem fuckin comes back and kills HIM. fuckin what do ya reckon fellas" But what if he got behind the door? Putz! The golem can deform itself and slide under the door! I can't imagine it. Here! I go on the other side the door, you close it. Okay doors closed. Now, slide me a penny under the door and I'll slide it back, and you can see what's its like when then golem comes after you! Well? I'm waiting!
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Dec 13, 2016 09:18
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Stupid goy, those parts of the Talmud aren't meant to be taken literally. It's just old stories, unlike the parts where God promises us a land free of inferior slave races for all eternity, and gives us authority to commit any atrocity necessary to secure this land, plus whichever ones we just kinda feel like.
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Dec 13, 2016 09:50
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*drives an APC with 20 inches of protective plating* *people throw rocks at it* *ties goy children to APC, perfecting its defensive capabilities* Oy vey how do those savages live without the divine moral guidance we Chosen have been blessed with (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Dec 13, 2016 09:56
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This thread is about ancient rabbis who used sick kung fu to destroy their enemies not ABCs or whatever.
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Dec 13, 2016 11:49
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I liked the part where they said Jews built the pyramids. loving LMAO. They didn't do jack loving poo poo. No proof has ever been found. Everyone knows the ancient aliens did it using specific sound frequencies to make the blocks levitate.
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Dec 13, 2016 11:53
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qkkl posted:is there a mention of penis size in any ancient religious texts? Ezekiel 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
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Dec 13, 2016 12:37
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Olothreutes posted:Ezekiel 23:20 drat mines the other way round think shes willing to compromise?
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Dec 13, 2016 12:41
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BIG PUFFY NIPS posted:drat mines the other way round think shes willing to compromise? Aholiba was pretty freaky, and not particularly discerning, so yeah I think you'd be fine. Then she'd probably snub you, as is her deal. She's pretty much a "hit it and quit it" sort of woman. Then the lord will command you to cut off her ears and nose, kill her children, and burn her possessions to the ground, and all the other men she boned will help. But remember, God loves you.
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Dec 13, 2016 12:47
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Moses would have probably made a sick power forward
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Dec 13, 2016 12:59
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Olothreutes posted:Aholiba was pretty freaky, and not particularly discerning, so yeah I think you'd be fine. Then she'd probably snub you, as is her deal. She's pretty much a "hit it and quit it" sort of woman. up with donkey dicks down with size queens a just god
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Dec 13, 2016 13:11
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These holy texts are said to be the literal word of god, so if we interpret that passage to suggest penis size insecurity on behalf of the author we must concede that God himself is insecure in regards to his junk. Whether it is small in comparison to donkey dick or simply small for a celestial being is unclear, however given Mary failed to notice it happening I assume the former.
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Dec 13, 2016 14:38
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Olothreutes posted:Ezekiel 23:20 
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Dec 13, 2016 14:38
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If a Rabbi bites you, you have to get shots in the gut with a big needle.
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Dec 13, 2016 15:02
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you guys are being disrespectful of a beautiful, ancient religion
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Dec 13, 2016 15:11
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at some point they decided sucking on freshly sliced baby dick was a cool and good thing don't trust desert people imho
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Dec 13, 2016 15:15
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nomadologique posted:ya this is boring poo poo man get out it's cool actually (though the link isn't very good) it's a collection of ancient biographies that's total bullshit, except that ancient monks didn't realize this, so it was carefully recorded and transmitted for hundreds and hundreds of years, and big-name historians (gibbons!) used it in their books. except that even now that we know it's nonsense, we still have so little detailed knowledge of the period that we have to use it anyway. imagine our post-cyberpunk descendants trying to use Dave Barry's History of the Millennium as a source. "Did they really spend their time blowing up beached whales? Put that one in the bullshit column..." like, look at this  this is the sort of thing that got into Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. I love it
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Dec 13, 2016 17:30
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PleasingFungus posted:it's cool actually (though the link isn't very good) This is a blow as I have always though of elagabalus as a sort of kindred spirit
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Dec 13, 2016 18:02
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ya i mean that's cool and all it's just not what we're talking about right now, which is how closely ancient texts tend to resemble Dragon Ball Z
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Dec 13, 2016 18:08
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drat horror queefs posted:Who's the guy that wanted 3000 foreskins or whatever for a wedding dowry? Saul? Solomon? One of those guys. Saul wanted david to bring him a fuckload of philistine foreskins in the hopes that david would get himself killed in the process David instead brought back twice as many and martied both of saul's daughters
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Dec 13, 2016 18:47
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Has anyone ever actually read the story of sampson? It gets summerized as 'guy with magic hair" but people need to actually read it. Like he sees a dead lion and it's full of bees, then he goes to a riddle contest and is like 'if you can guess my riddle I'll give you some free clothes" and his riddle is some nonsense about the lion with bees in it, so someone sleeps with his prostitute girlfriend and she tells the answer. So he ties a bunch of foxes together and lights them on fire and kills everyone then goes to the riddle winner guy and is like "welp, here is your prize" and it's all his family's dead clothes. Then the hair stuff people remember happens.
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Dec 13, 2016 19:00
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Same with the story of moses in the desert with quail. Where everyone is like "wish we had meat" so god dumps like 40 feet of dead quail on everyone and everyone eats them till the meat comes out their noses. And like you think the moral is some bland "careful what you wish for because it might come true!" but then it ends with god having poisoned the quail so everyone dies. And no one ever mentions that this story is in the bible ever.
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Dec 13, 2016 19:03
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PleasingFungus posted:imagine our post-cyberpunk descendants trying to use Dave Barry's History of the Millennium as a source. "Did they really spend their time blowing up beached whales? Put that one in the bullshit column..."
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Dec 13, 2016 19:04
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FactsAreUseless posted:Every single time someone on this forum makes a Dave Barry reference I'm just like "holy poo poo, goons are so loving old." i am not making this up!
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Dec 13, 2016 19:08
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shut the gently caress up it's time for my favourite talmud story: "The Time God Told A Bunch Of Rabbis The Answer to An Extremely Pedantic Question And The Rabbis Told God to gently caress Off".quote:This is the “oven of Achnai.” What is Achnai? Said Rabbi Yehudah in the name of Shmuel: That they surrounded it with words [of debate] like an Achnai snake, and declared it impure. It was taught: On that day R. Eliezer answered all the answers on earth and they did not accept it from him. He said, “If the law is like me, the carob tree will prove it”; the carob tree was uprooted from its place one hundred Amah, some say four hundred Amah. They said: “We do not bring proof from a carob tree.”... He went and said “If the law is like me the water channel will prove it”; the water channel flowed in reverse direction. They said: “We do not bring proof from a water channel.” He went and said “If the law is as I say the walls of the House of Study will prove it”; the walls of the House of Study inclined to fall. R. Yehoshua protested at them, saying to them “If scholars defeat each other in the law, how does it better you?” They did not fall because of the honor of R.Yehoshua and they did not straighten, because of the honor of R. Eliezer, and they still incline and stand.... [R. Eliezer] went and said, “If the law is like me, from Heaven they will prove it”; a heavenly voice came out and said, “What have you with R. Eliezer, who the law is like him in every place?” R. Yehoshua stood on his feet and said “[The Torah] is not in heaven,” (Deuteronomy 30:12). What does "[The Torah] is not in heaven" mean? R. Yirmiyah said: “That the Torah was already given at Sinai, we do not pay attention to a heavenly voice, since You already wrote at Sinai in the Torah, “After the majority to incline,” (Exodus 23:2). R. Natan met the prophet Elijah and said to him, “What did the Holy One Blessed be He do in that hour?” He said to him: “He smiled and said, “My sons have defeated Me, My sons have defeated Me.”
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Dec 13, 2016 19:43
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nomadologique posted:ya i mean that's cool and all it's just not what we're talking about right now, which is how closely ancient texts tend to resemble Dragon Ball Z did you miss the part where Marcus Aurelius could shoot lightning bolts?
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Dec 13, 2016 20:10
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Better base my entire mortality around stories produced from the enlightened pre-histories, one moment.
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Dec 13, 2016 20:18
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old-time rabbis inventing scenarios that sound like the creations of dad gay. so what *claps twice in front of DGSW shinto shrine and bows respectfully*
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Dec 13, 2016 20:25
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lol, so wait, the talmud has a version of dostoevski's the grand inquisitor? sick
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Dec 13, 2016 20:31
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the jews really are straight ballers, only people to invent a religion where the coup de grace is "god go gently caress yourself we don't need you anymore"
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Dec 13, 2016 20:32
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Rutibex posted:here are some much better 2,000 year old writings. i dont think you should read that kooky talmund stuff, its basically the Dianetics of the day: lmbo cicero wasn't ancient roman l ron hubbard he was a statesman who thought caesar was a tool
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Dec 13, 2016 20:34
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I feel like if I went back in time the pro move would be to set up carnival games like, it's just smart enough to fool all the rubes back then but it's prolly not witchcraft so I think I'd be ok
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Dec 13, 2016 20:38
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That Robot posted:old-time rabbis inventing scenarios that sound like the creations of dad gay. so what
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Dec 13, 2016 20:39
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That Robot posted:lmbo cicero wasn't ancient roman l ron hubbard i think you will find that i was implying that whoever wrote the Talmud is L Ron Hubbard, not the distinguished Cicero
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Dec 13, 2016 21:27
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Any more talmud stories? I like this thread
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Dec 14, 2016 01:13
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make something up, dollars to donuts it's already in there
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Dec 14, 2016 01:23
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Isaac posted:Any more talmud stories? I like this thread I know a lot of talmud, it's actually cool and great 
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Dec 14, 2016 01:50
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FactsAreUseless posted:Every single time someone on this forum makes a Dave Barry reference I'm just like "holy poo poo, goons are so loving old." lol your new av is sweet
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Dec 14, 2016 01:55
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