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GeneX posted:Saul wanted david to bring him a fuckload of philistine foreskins in the hopes that david would get himself killed in the process So the jews are kind of like native americans collecting enemy scalps, except they favour foreskins.
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Dec 14, 2016 02:19
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It's the bible but gently caress you, they're all the same anyway http://www.enkivillage.com/crazy-bible-stories.htmlJudges 3:21-25 posted:Ehud was supposed to kill King Eglon based on a message from God. He went to the King’s palace and pulled out a large sword. He plunged the weapon into the rotund King’s belly but he was so fat that the sword became covered over. Ehud plunged the sword even farther into the King’s gut to make sure he was going to die. At this point the King’s bowels became uncontrollable and he began to defecate all over the place. When his attendants came to call upon him, they thought he was indisposed. Later they found him dead on the floor with feces everywhere. E: BeefThief posted:make sure you get the forlorn gentile coat from the cave of canaanites underrated
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Dec 14, 2016 03:27
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SciFiDownBeat posted:It's the bible but gently caress you, they're all the same anyway http://www.enkivillage.com/crazy-bible-stories.html Thats like a gbs story about eating taco bell
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Dec 14, 2016 03:30
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Judges 3:21-25 posted:Ehud was supposed to kill King Eglon based on a message from God. He went to the King’s palace and pulled out a large sword. He plunged the weapon into the rotund King’s belly but he was so fat that the sword became covered over. Ehud plunged the sword even farther into the King’s gut to make sure he was going to die. At this point the King’s bowels became uncontrollable and he began to defecate all over the place. When his attendants came to call upon him, they thought he was indisposed. Later they found him dead on the floor with feces everywhere. 
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Dec 14, 2016 03:35
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When do they cut the penises
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Dec 14, 2016 03:43
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in a time before nail clippers you had to use your long sharp thumbnails for something
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Dec 14, 2016 03:46
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vyst posted:When do they cut the penises A few days after birth.
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Dec 14, 2016 03:49
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Judges 3:21-25 posted:Ehud was supposed to kill King Eglon based on a message from God. He went to the King’s palace and pulled out a large sword. He plunged the weapon into the rotund King’s belly but he was so fat that the sword became covered over. Ehud plunged the sword even farther into the King’s gut to make sure he was going to die. At this point the King’s bowels became uncontrollable and he began to defecate all over the place. When his attendants came to call upon him, they thought he was indisposed. Later they found him dead on the floor with feces everywhere. If I remember right he hid the sword down his pants leg and told the guards he had a monster dong.
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Dec 14, 2016 04:49
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Kallev posted:If I remember right he hid the sword down his pants leg and told the guards he had a monster dong. MAWNSTER CAWX
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Dec 14, 2016 04:56
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lol the bible owns
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Dec 14, 2016 05:01
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Was there really no better way to stench bleeding than using your drat mouth? Suck my dick, you moelman.
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Dec 14, 2016 05:04
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Back in my day in private Catholic school we only read genesis, exodus, and some of the new testament letters after the gospel. I always wondered why we skipped over 90% of it, like take this opening verse from book of kings one 1 Kings 1-2King James Version (KJV) posted:
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Dec 14, 2016 05:22
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EorayMel posted:Back in my day in private Catholic school we only read genesis, exodus, and some of the new testament letters after the gospel. probably because mosaic law is abolished and the new testament TRUMPs, but you gotta have dat sweet origin story. Plus that lesser prophet stuff is just fluff.
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Dec 14, 2016 05:25
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genesis chapter 19: 30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. methuselah reading this be strokin his old rear end dick liek oh gently caress yeah get in there lot
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Dec 14, 2016 05:35
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Dec 14, 2016 05:42
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Remember, if you don't respect these stories and the people who believe this poo poo is true, then something something fedora you're actually just as bad as them but from the other side neckbeard.
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Dec 14, 2016 05:43
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old-style angels were really loving weirdquote:Thrones are depicted as great wheels containing many eyes gently caress this little baby cupid poo poo, give me more angels who are so terrifying in form they have to cover themselves and constantly tell everyone to not freak the gently caress out about how loving weird and incomprehensible they are
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Dec 14, 2016 05:56
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counterfeitsaint posted:Remember, if you don't respect these stories and the people who believe this poo poo is true, then something something fedora you're actually just as bad as them but from the other side neckbeard. try not to be bitter when people rightly call you an rear end in a top hat
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Dec 14, 2016 05:59
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I believe in poo poo but you don't see me crying when all the poo poo threads get  sedjust kidding I complain about it all the time
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Dec 14, 2016 06:04
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tefillin I find this to be an overly complex way to pray, unless it imparts a magic resist bonus of some type
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Dec 14, 2016 06:57
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HAmbONE posted:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tefillin  Just getting ready for work in the morning nbd
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Dec 14, 2016 07:00
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myDad posted:
would 
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Dec 14, 2016 07:02
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Haier posted:I liked the part where they said Jews built the pyramids. loving LMAO. They didn't do jack loving poo poo. No proof has ever been found. Everyone knows the ancient aliens did it using specific sound frequencies to make the blocks levitate. Do you think north Africans built the pyramids? No it was aliens Do you think Khmer could build Angkor watt? No it was Aliens Do you really think a bunch of Italians could build the coliseum? No Aliens Do you really think a Americans could have build hoover dam? Uh huh Aliens Do you really think the Chinese built the great wall No that was Aliens
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Dec 14, 2016 09:05
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Dicky mouse posted:Do you think north Africans built the pyramids? No it was aliens Illegal aliens 
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Dec 14, 2016 09:07
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Dicky mouse posted:Do you think north Africans built the pyramids? No it was aliens the pyramids actually was aliens tho historical record suggests the annunaki ceased direct intervention around 3000 years ago so theres certainly plenty of reference to them in various biblical texts. they were passed down through oral tradition of course so who knows how reliable they are
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Dec 14, 2016 09:26
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everyone knows joseph built the pyramids to store grain, it's in Civilization 3 for christs sake
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Dec 14, 2016 09:29
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Haier posted:I liked the part where they said Jews built the pyramids. loving LMAO. They didn't do jack loving poo poo. No proof has ever been found. Everyone knows the ancient aliens did it using specific sound frequencies to make the blocks levitate. Do you think north Africans built the pyramids? No it was aliens Do you think Khmer could build Angkor watt? No it was Aliens Do you really think a bunch of Italians could build the coliseum? No Aliens Do you really think a Americans could have build hoover dam? Uh huh Aliens Do you really think the Chinese built the great wall No that was Aliens
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Dec 14, 2016 09:41
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the annunaki propaganda bot broke again
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Dec 14, 2016 09:43
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aliens also built trump tower. no way trump did it by himself
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Dec 14, 2016 10:20
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President Ark posted:old-style angels were really loving weird This is really cool. Did they do a ton of drugs back in the day?
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Dec 14, 2016 11:55
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Dec 14, 2016 12:16
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Rabbis have brass balls:quote:"On that day, Rabbi Eliezer put forward all the arguments in the world, but the Sages did not accept them. Two Rabbis are arguing. Eventually God himself shows up to settle the argument, at which point he's told to GTFO because it doesn't concern him Gentiles couldn't get away with that poo poo.
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Dec 14, 2016 14:12
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This is funnier if you imagine larry david is one of the sages
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Dec 14, 2016 14:37
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basic hitler posted:This is funnier if you imagine larry david is one of the sages Lol thanks for this
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Dec 14, 2016 15:09
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Would you hang out with an Ophanim? They seem neat.
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Dec 14, 2016 18:28
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quote:The Talmud further recounts that Og was so large that he sought the destruction of the Israelites by uprooting a mountain huge enough to crush the entire Israelite encampment. The Lord caused a swarm of ants to dig away the center of the mountain, which was resting on Og's head. The mountain then fell onto Og's shoulders. As Og attempted to lift the mountain off himself, the Lord caused Og's teeth to lengthen outward, becoming embedded into the mountain that was now surrounding his head. Soo.... what DO we know about ZerglingMinor's origins exactly? 
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Dec 14, 2016 19:39
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myDad posted:
Is this LARPing?
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Dec 14, 2016 21:11
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Arrhythmia posted:shut the gently caress up it's time for my favourite talmud story: "The Time God Told A Bunch Of Rabbis The Answer to An Extremely Pedantic Question And The Rabbis Told God to gently caress Off". this one's a personal favorite. another one i discovered around the same time discusses in great detail a number of extremely unlikely corner cases, involving the question of 'if you trip and accidentally throw a knife with enough force to instantly kill an animal nearby, is that animal's meat kosher?' i just spent the last five minutes searching for it and failed, but if anyone else has any idea what i'm thinking of, i'd appreciate it! here's another good (bizarre?) bit i found while searching: CHAPTER XXI. REGULATIONS CONCERNING THE POURING OUT OF WINE FROM VESSELS COVERED WITH A STONE (WHICH MUST NOT BE LIFTED), AND THE CLEARING OFF OF CRUMBS, ETC., FROM THE TABLE. quote:Said R. Jehudah bar Shila in the name of R. Assi, that a box of money was once forgotten in the market and R. Johanan was asked what was to be done. He ordered them to place a loaf of bread or a child on it, and take it in. Said Mar Zutra: "All these rules are laid down in the case of where the things referred to were left by accident." But R. Ashi said, that such is not the case, and that a child or a loaf of bread can be used to move a corpse only. quote:MISHNA: The school of Shamai teaches: "Bones and husks may be removed from the table." The school of Hillel, however, teaches: "One may only lift the whole table board (or cloth), and shake off what is left over." All crumbs smaller than an olive may be removed from the table; also the hulls of beans and lentils, because they may serve for fodder. It is allowed to use a sponge for wiping, providing it has a handle made of leather; otherwise, it is not allowed. At all events, one may handle a sponge... quote:The pits of dates (Armiassa) to which some of the meat adheres maybe handled, and those of Parsiassa 1 must not be handled. Samuel used to handle the latter with bread, holding to his opinion that anything at all may be done with bread (while others hold that bread should not be put to any uses except for food). Rabba would hold them with a pitcher of water. R. Shesheth would throw them out by means of his tongue, and R. Papa would throw them underneath the bed. It was told of R. Zacharias ben Abkulos, that he would turn his face towards the back of the bed and throw them out with his tongue. shabbat restrictions could be a whole thread to themselves.
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Dec 15, 2016 00:31
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FactsAreUseless posted:Every single time someone on this forum makes a Dave Barry reference I'm just like "holy poo poo, goons are so loving old." i absolutely loved dave barry's stuff as a kid. kinda curious how it holds up - haven't read any of it in many years.
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Dec 15, 2016 00:33
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 it's like they invented an entire divine legal theory to circumvent the will of God as much as possible.
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Dec 15, 2016 01:42
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