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Yeah dont kinkshame, I dont think they can have kids anyway. Let the man have his fun.
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Jan 5, 2017 16:16
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| # ? May 3, 2024 13:39 |
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Local wizards, I'm sure. Walking potion: -10 parts sugar -90 parts whiskey.
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Jan 5, 2017 16:44
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ghosthorse posted:So I was working on a potion for....personal use...and anyway I dropped the dang thing and it spilled so my question is who did you contract to mess up your tower? Cos now mine's like perfectly straight and taller and all the wobble and twists are gone and it just looks like a nice ordinary castle tower again. At least I know that potion probably works. It's probably been more than four hours, hasn't it? You need to call a Stone Shaper, like, right now if you want to prevent lasting damage to your tower.
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Jan 5, 2017 20:41
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Anyone know how to purge the last remaining goodness from a Blackguard you corrupted from a paladin? And before anyone asks, yes I had him murder his family, I am not an amateur.
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Jan 5, 2017 20:54
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They've got to do something super bad more personably meaningful than killing their family, obviously, and have to do it on their own.
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Jan 5, 2017 21:11
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:They've got to do something super bad more personably meaningful than killing their family, obviously, and have to do it on their own. My specialty has usually been necromancy with a little transdimensional summoning added in, so corrupting paladins isn't my usual 'thing.' But this gave me an idea. Apparently his paladin order didn't know he'd been turned. So I sent him back to them with a story about how I'd captured and tortured hm and killed his family. And they bought it! God paladins are so stupid. Apparently they think he killed me, and took my unholy amulet. If I'm lucky he'll be able to do some real damage.
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Jan 5, 2017 21:45
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Make him lead some recruits to you so you can turn them all and infiltrate the whole order. A personal order of blackguards seems nice. Oh well a mage can dream, im still at imp level, im new to this poo poo ok??? I was a good wizard like a week ago.
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Jan 6, 2017 00:39
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I'm still not sure this is going to work honestly. I'm watching on my scrying orb and they are taking him to see a Mother Justicia, who I guess is the head of their order and HOLY poo poo, my Blackguard just murdered mother Justicia and spilled her guts all over the alter in the sanctuary of the cathedral of light. Oh gently caress there are paladins all over. Goddammit they killed him. Well now I'm short one blackguard. I'd have to break into their crypt now to get him back. Wait, they are putting his defiled corpse in the crypt behind the sanctuary he just desecrated. Paladins are so loving stupid.
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Jan 6, 2017 01:08
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Well, an undead blackguard has certain benefits. All sorts of disease and poison applications, and regeneration should be hardly a problem. You're going to have to make the reanimated blackguard, body choose a new god better suited to your purposes, and you're going to have to do it quickly before his soul passes The Trials. He's a paladin, so it will be pretty easy on him, but these things take time so you have a chance. Souls do not remember the afterlife if they are recalled quickly enough. Knowing The Laws means you know exactly how far you can push things, push the fabric of reality to your whims without a total systemic collapse. I know I sound pretty lame and repetitive sometimes, but this is really advanced wisdom I'm giving away for free, you know how a billionaire is like "I did X and Y to make my fortune!" and you're like "yeah, buddy, those super obvious things sure did make you a billionaire, plus the million your daddy gave you" and I am the advice and magic is your daddy in this metaphor.
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Jan 6, 2017 01:20
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Ummmm just wait a fortnight and you have a perfectly good Demi-lich
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Jan 6, 2017 01:26
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Well, an undead blackguard has certain benefits. All sorts of disease and poison applications, and regeneration should be hardly a problem. Oh you better believe I was ready for this. I am after all a necromancer. Those idiots didn't even send a patrol to the crypts. Their magical protection was so hosed up by the desecration I just teleported in. So not only did I get my undead blackguard, but I animated every loving corpse in that crypt, all of them heavily armed. One minute they are trying to consecrate their altar again, the next they are dying to a swarm of skeletons. So now I am a bit conflicted. I mean I got my undead blackguard, but my old digs are pretty lovely. We're talking one of those old towers that's just a staircase with a couple of rooms at the top. This cathedral would make a great reliquary of darkness, but the upkeep would have to be a nightmare, and that isn't even counting the fact that I'll definitely get paladins coming along trying to 'liberate this once holy sanctum.' On the other hand, this place has a crypt and an undercrypt, and you know how hard undercrypts are to find these days.
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Jan 6, 2017 01:49
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You're better off setting up a profitable scheme in the cathedral, milking for cash, and just adding onto your existing tower imo. Set up a fall guy and control from the shadows etc etc. Corrupted cathedral farming is kind of a cliche but when you can just shrug and go "what dark cathedral I'm just a lowly alchemist" if Paladins come smash the place is priceless
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Jan 6, 2017 02:49
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:It's best to not be a cartoonishly evil wizard, it's true. That's it. and this goes to everyone in this thread...my library is off limits! Consider all of my tomes hexed. That goes double for you Rainbowbeard The Malevolent, Champion of the isles of Forgotten Hate, Whisperer of The 8 Illegal Phrases, Friend to False Dreams Of Bezos! I know your number, Buddy... don't think I don't know your other names too! And don't think I haven't conjured an Argus Panoptes to keep an eye on my shelves from now on...so don't get any wise ideas. I'm looking at you Naem of The 13 Lies Whispered By The Lament Of The Betrayed Wind! and Sweet Geek Swag, of The Soiled Robes Of The Twin Halls of Entropy! I've told all of my Blue Skeletons (that's right, the blue ones, not the regular bone colored ones) to attack any trespassing wizard on sight! Wicker Man posted:Local wizards, I'm sure. Sure, maybe I tried Wicker Man of The Ill-Possessed Sun's 'Walking Potion'.. but I regret nothing. Consider yourselves banned!
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Jan 6, 2017 03:57
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key party favors posted:That's it. and this goes to everyone in this thread...my library is off limits! Consider all of my tomes hexed. That goes double for you Rainbowbeard The Malevolent, Champion of the isles of Forgotten Hate, Whisperer of The 8 Illegal Phrases, Friend to False Dreams Of Bezos! I know your number, Buddy... don't think I don't know your other names too! And don't think I haven't conjured an Argus Panoptes to keep an eye on my shelves from now on...so don't get any wise ideas. I'm looking at you Naem of The 13 Lies Whispered By The Lament Of The Betrayed Wind! and Sweet Geek Swag, of The Soiled Robes Of The Twin Halls of Entropy! I've told all of my Blue Skeletons (that's right, the blue ones, not the regular bone colored ones) to attack any trespassing wizard on sight! No one is impressed that you remember the titles we got from our dark wizard frat key party favors. Also I wouldn't break into your library if you would return the dark codex I loaned you when I asked you to.
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Jan 6, 2017 04:30
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sweet geek swag posted:No one is impressed that you remember the titles we got from our dark wizard frat key party favors. Also I wouldn't break into your library if you would return the dark codex I loaned you when I asked you to. I told you, I NEED the Dark Codex to create Runes of Transcendental Bile, to help maintain my nightmare portal.... which will totally be done in like less than 30 moon phases... besides, my library is way more handsome than yours, and I think the codex would be happier with all my other tomes, librams, and bone shelves made out of sad elves... I'm keeping The codex!
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Jan 6, 2017 04:39
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sweet geek swag posted:No one is impressed that you remember the titles we got from our dark wizard frat key party favors. Also I wouldn't break into your library if you would return the dark codex I loaned you when I asked you to. key party favors posted:That's it. and this goes to everyone in this thread...my library is off limits! Consider all of my tomes hexed. That goes double for you Rainbowbeard The Malevolent, Champion of the isles of Forgotten Hate, Whisperer of The 8 Illegal Phrases, Friend to False Dreams Of Bezos! I know your number, Buddy... don't think I don't know your other names too! And don't think I haven't conjured an Argus Panoptes to keep an eye on my shelves from now on...so don't get any wise ideas. I'm looking at you Naem of The 13 Lies Whispered By The Lament Of The Betrayed Wind! and Sweet Geek Swag, of The Soiled Robes Of The Twin Halls of Entropy! I've told all of my Blue Skeletons (that's right, the blue ones, not the regular bone colored ones) to attack any trespassing wizard on sight! Look I didn't, "soil" my robes, it was cold out, we'd been drinking, college was a LONG TIME ago why can't you just drop it. I mean we were all MORTAL still
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Jan 6, 2017 04:50
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key party favors posted:I told you, I NEED the Dark Codex to create Runes of Transcendental Bile, to help maintain my nightmare portal.... which will totally be done in like less than 30 moon phases... besides, my library is way more handsome than yours, and I think the codex would be happier with all my other tomes, librams, and bone shelves made out of sad elves... I'm keeping The codex! DARK WIIIIIIZARD FIIIIIIIIGHT!
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Jan 6, 2017 05:53
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And after that... loving and sucking. EDIT: Need to get some of my secret names changed just in case.
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Jan 6, 2017 06:16
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Do any of you know how to get rid of a unending hunger curse? I was doing it with a hot witch and I refused to go down on her, so she cursed me and now there's a risk that I'm going to transform myself into a star eating eldritch horror just to sate my hunger. Witches, am I right?
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Jan 6, 2017 07:26
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Really, wouldn't it just be easier to whip up an infinite mutton spell?
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Jan 6, 2017 13:51
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But then he'd be fat, and nobody respects a fatass wizard.
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Jan 6, 2017 14:54
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Krunge posted:Do any of you know how to get rid of a unending hunger curse? I was doing it with a hot witch and I refused to go down on her, so she cursed me and now there's a risk that I'm going to transform myself into a star eating eldritch horror just to sate my hunger. Witches, am I right? i got 99 problems but a witch aint one
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Jan 6, 2017 15:23
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key party favors posted:I told you, I NEED the Dark Codex to create Runes of Transcendental Bile, to help maintain my nightmare portal.... which will totally be done in like less than 30 moon phases... besides, my library is way more handsome than yours, and I think the codex would be happier with all my other tomes, librams, and bone shelves made out of sad elves... I'm keeping The codex! Dude, you knew I needed it back to summon a Darkmoon vampire by the last new moon when I loaned it to you. Luckily for you these paladins had like six of them in their 'forbidden library' down here in the undercrypts otherwise my undead army would be knocking on your door. Speaking of which it is going to take ages to inventory all the dark equipment these guys had. They had an eldritch abomination here sealed behind holy force fields. I know what you're thinking, yes they should have used transdimensional force fields. They were like a decade out from this little guy burrowing into the dark realms below and ushering in a new age of madness and terror. Paladins think holy power is the answer to everything. I swear I saw one try to use holy power on a tardy school kid once. So I'm thinking that before the paladins took over there was some sort of doomsday cult here. I'm thinking of secretly starting it back up, using the cathedral as a cover. Then I'll convert this undercrypt into a lab space, and I'll finally be able to turn that old lab in my tower into my gameday room. Get a big TV, a nice couch just I'm time for the playoffs.
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Jan 6, 2017 23:07
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Krunge posted:Do any of you know how to get rid of a unending hunger curse? I was doing it with a hot witch and I refused to go down on her, so she cursed me and now there's a risk that I'm going to transform myself into a star eating eldritch horror just to sate my hunger. Witches, am I right? You're going to have to eat her pussy till she's satisfied, sorry. That's how those Disneyfied curses usually work. sweet geek swag posted:Dude, you knew I needed it back to summon a Darkmoon vampire by the last new moon when I loaned it to you. Luckily for you these paladins had like six of them in their 'forbidden library' down here in the undercrypts otherwise my undead army would be knocking on your door. Mote like Lawful Stupid, am I right? Keep us posted, this sounds delightful.
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Jan 7, 2017 03:11
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GenericOverusedName posted:But then he'd be fat, and nobody respects a fatass wizard. That's why you need to hire ripped wizard as a personal trainer. Plus if you befriend him he'll show you pics of slut demon-possessed lady with the massive rack on his iScry.
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Jan 7, 2017 07:45
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basic hitler posted:Heres a good chance to cover your tracks. Expose the would-be necromancer and issue a cure for the malaise. The townsfolk will honor you and invest less time in writing pain in the rear end letters to you. Send the wasps to the necromancer for stepping outta line in your territory Bit late, but, no, no, don't do this. That's how it starts. First you're taking out other evil wizards for "invading your turf", then you're giving out cures. Even if you try to keep it spooky all the while, one day you wake up and, bam. You're part of the 'Hero clique'. And you think about maybe just going back to your roots and boiling their skin off, but you're just not really feeling it, and, anyway, you're sort of dating the sort-of-gothy b-string hero's friend now. I've seen it too many times. If you have a territory dispute with another wizard, you handle it face to face, you don't get the authorities involved. Once they get you with that "enemy of my enemy/we must work together against this new evil" crap, you're on the hook for good.
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Jan 7, 2017 08:56
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Blurry Gray Thing posted:Bit late, but, no, no, don't do this. Good deeds:evil wizards::opioids:trailer trash
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Jan 7, 2017 14:33
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I saved a cat from a tree once I needed its eyes for a nightvision potion and its claws for a summoning ritual, but still
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Jan 7, 2017 18:34
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A wizard should know better than to fall down a slippery slope argument. Ask this lawful good paladin thats hanging from a meathook in my office if im thinking about going good.
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Jan 8, 2017 04:58
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sweet geek swag posted:Dude, you knew I needed it back to summon a Darkmoon vampire by the last new moon when I loaned it to you. Luckily for you these paladins had like six of them in their 'forbidden library' down here in the undercrypts otherwise my undead army would be knocking on your door. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNkabtC8oPk
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Jan 9, 2017 03:30
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So when do you decide to give your apprentice the talk about good and evil being meaningless concepts that only get in the way of a persons true desires whether it be glory or to unravel the seal of a millenia old demilich whose gaze can steal a man's soul.
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Jan 9, 2017 06:00
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Jan 9, 2017 06:16
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People are always loving talking about how their evil scheme is to set up a Magocracy and rule the pathetic underclasses with their magical magic and yadda yadda yadda. Look, that's loving dumb. I kicked around with some dark wizard communes before I devoted my life to full time warlocking for Cthylla and I'm telling you that magocracies only work on the smallest of small scales, one mage, about a hundred and fifty minions. Any more and you're basically going to wind up with armed revolt the first time puts a loving tax on magical dysjunction, like, could you imagine a government for which magic was a known quantity? A magic Beurocracy? There's a reason they're called the arcane arts, just leave them a mysterious force, don't open pandora's box. (I mean unless you literally find pandora's box in which case slam that poo poo open)
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Jan 9, 2017 06:29
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Can anyone tell me how to perform an exorcism? I can make them show themselves and make their person act crazy but I don't know how to expel them. Divinations are quite terrifying when they backfire and you will totally get fired if you do them at work.
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Jan 9, 2017 07:29
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Talking to TVs posted:Can anyone tell me how to perform an exorcism? I can make them show themselves and make their person act crazy but I don't know how to expel them. Divinations are quite terrifying when they backfire and you will totally get fired if you do them at work. Bargain with the demon and offer it someone who is more expendable. Or a similar arrangement. Most demons will release even a promising flesh vessel if you bribe them with enough blood. What you gotta understand is, demons are people too. The person possessed did something to invite the demon in, and the demon is acting well within its rights. Just throwing the demon out is a big violation of the demon's rights, and just plain rude. Demonic possession of someone useful to you is not a problem. It's an opportunity. Whether it's a ranking demon lord you'd have to get an appointment to see otherwise, or a young up-and-comer, this is a chance to network and make a connection that'll be useful in future. Find a solution that works for all parties.
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Jan 9, 2017 07:46
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I once drank too much moonwine, and thought it would be a good idea to infuse a demon into a sword..you know... get a sassy talking sword that hungers for blood? But nope, all the demon did was pitifully groan... no sassy lines or nothing! I threw the sword into a lake... anyway all demons are different, something to keep in mind.
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Jan 9, 2017 15:32
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Getting a demon to cooperate is tenuous at best. Now, a devil...
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Jan 10, 2017 09:15
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I'm casting necromancy on this thread.
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Feb 6, 2017 01:01
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It was only feigning death.
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Feb 6, 2017 01:54
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| # ? May 3, 2024 13:39 |
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I like casting Haste on a Barbarian while they rage and step back as entire villages get slaughtered. Sometimes I'll set those little peasants on fire if their dying and stuff harshes my buzz.
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Feb 6, 2017 04:52
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