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I resent the term "evil". Yes, I was stealing bones from the graveyard. Yes, I overreacted when the local constable confronted me. Yes, I may have ordered skeletons to rip him and his people to bits, and yes, I still have his skull. It whispers secrets to me when it isn't busy sobbing about its endless torment. But I am a multifaceted person. Nobody ever talks about my volunteer community service, or my donations to the local library.
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Dec 30, 2016 15:58
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basic hitler posted:Heres a good chance to cover your tracks. Expose the would-be necromancer and issue a cure for the malaise. The townsfolk will honor you and invest less time in writing pain in the rear end letters to you. Send the wasps to the necromancer for stepping outta line in your territory Bit late, but, no, no, don't do this. That's how it starts. First you're taking out other evil wizards for "invading your turf", then you're giving out cures. Even if you try to keep it spooky all the while, one day you wake up and, bam. You're part of the 'Hero clique'. And you think about maybe just going back to your roots and boiling their skin off, but you're just not really feeling it, and, anyway, you're sort of dating the sort-of-gothy b-string hero's friend now. I've seen it too many times. If you have a territory dispute with another wizard, you handle it face to face, you don't get the authorities involved. Once they get you with that "enemy of my enemy/we must work together against this new evil" crap, you're on the hook for good.
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Jan 7, 2017 08:56
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Talking to TVs posted:Can anyone tell me how to perform an exorcism? I can make them show themselves and make their person act crazy but I don't know how to expel them. Divinations are quite terrifying when they backfire and you will totally get fired if you do them at work. Bargain with the demon and offer it someone who is more expendable. Or a similar arrangement. Most demons will release even a promising flesh vessel if you bribe them with enough blood. What you gotta understand is, demons are people too. The person possessed did something to invite the demon in, and the demon is acting well within its rights. Just throwing the demon out is a big violation of the demon's rights, and just plain rude. Demonic possession of someone useful to you is not a problem. It's an opportunity. Whether it's a ranking demon lord you'd have to get an appointment to see otherwise, or a young up-and-comer, this is a chance to network and make a connection that'll be useful in future. Find a solution that works for all parties.
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Jan 9, 2017 07:46
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Hobelhouse posted:But some of the real greats were artificiers weren't they - remember Sauron and the rings? And Voldemort had a pretty good run with his Horcruxes too. Sauron, maybe. I don't think a multi-talented Renaissance wizard like that can be nailed down to a single vocation, though. I mean, he spent a long time going by just "The Necromancer". Nobody who wasn't a full up, bonafide necromancer (with huge balls) could pull off something like that. But the V-man definitely doesn't count, and I think he'd have gone further if he did. If he'd made his own wands instead of relying on buggy store-bought models or ancient artifacts he hadn't properly researched, well - no use wondering what could've been.
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Feb 10, 2017 23:41
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Hobelhouse posted:Ugh, don't get me started on the neutral students over here. Always talking about how the phases of the moon interact with NASDAQ fluctuations and other penny-ante BS like that. They think they're so ambitious but they have no desire AT ALL to warp the rules of reality to their basest whims! What a joke. Oh, let the kids have their fun. The best of them will grow out of it. Some of the best and most creative undead horrors I know were pious and good in life.
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Feb 11, 2017 01:21
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naem posted:I think he's from this alternate dimension I've heard of, where normal things like owlbears and kolbalds are just imaginary things in a game based on fictional novels. I love those people. But only the ones who think they know what's what, and that their dreams came true, and now they'll be some big hero. They're adorable. Now, the truly clueless and innocent? Those are trouble. I went to school with Mrs. Of The West, and even though we weren't friends, we kept in touch. Really tragic, what happened.
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Feb 11, 2017 03:59
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Automatic Slim posted:I'm no expert on fae physiology but that can't be healthy. Overweight tiny folk with clogged arteries. Unless you're going the idyllic forest with mischievous wee folk you're going to have a health crisis on your hands. Vegan? Those lunatics? Not unless they found a plant that screams as you eat it. You can bribe them with milk and bread (and pizza, I guess, that's bread and dairy product) but sooner or later, they'll want blood and first-born children. C'mon, don't fall for their propaganda. I don't know how that fat bastard up north got them to sit down and actually work, but I'm guessing it's got less to do with cookies and milk and more with some of those naughty-list kids that go missing every year. For the rest of us, well, there's evil, and then there's just plain hosed up. I try to avoid the fae, personally. A wee bit too amoral, and a wee bit too easily bored. Even the little folk. Sure, you can trick them into working for cheap. Then one of those little bastards goes, "Hey, fellas, let's all be Redcaps for a day!" and suddenly all your prisoners have been drained into a big tank and they're using the blood to paint hats.
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Mar 18, 2017 09:55
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Dark gods drat it. I look away from this thread for a cosmic eyeblink, and you're all messing with the fae again. Al Borland Corp. posted:Question: I keep getting texts from a pixie-fairy. She says she's extremely intrigued by a human her size. I'm not sure if she knows I'm an evil wizard since pixie-fairies are inherently good. I'm not sure if this is some kind of trap. I'm not sure if I'm really into pixie-fairies. I should just block this last to be safe, right? I know pixie dust is a valuable spell component, but this can't be a good idea. Buddy, no, fae aren't inherently good. They are beyond mortal morality, with minds that twist and turn in ways as strange as the wilds of Faerie itself. Even the Seelie aren't truly good. The Seelie are light and life and fire, and people forget that fire can burn. They'll still take your firstborn for their cause. And little pixies aren't Seelie. They pulled a big PR coup with Tinkerbell, so everyone thinks they're all sweetness and smiles and appropriate for children to play with (!!!!!). And everyone forgets how that goddamn bitch Tinkerbell tried to murder Wendy, repeatedly, because she was jealous. They are capricious and see the world as a toybox full of fun little things to amuse them. Odds are, she already knows all about you, because she's had spies watching you all along. Absolutely no one is as sneaky as the pixies. They spy on everyone. Ghosts aren't as sneaky as pixies. Instead of worrying about not looking evil, you should be worrying she'll drag you off to her kingdom, bind you, and keep you until she grows bored with the novelty. Or she'll rope you into helping her fight a very tiny war against her very tiny enemies, and suddenly you're facing down four hundred pixie cavaliers riding rhinoceros beetles. Blurry Gray Thing fucked around with this message at 23:53 on Aug 30, 2017 |
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Aug 30, 2017 23:49
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Al Borland Corp. posted:I got my SOS out to these forums hoping a normal sized wizard would help. But you guys missed the message. First letter of each paragraph SEND HELP. In the last paragraph, first letter of each word "She's watching me" or maybe you did see it and didn't care. I don't blame you, I'm not really any of your concern. Yeah, I don't help people who have it coming. Some people think that's heartless (or evil), but I think anyone who gets between other wizards and the consequences of their mistakes and bargains is just borrowing trouble. Real glad I didn't here. If I can live another thousand years without seeing what a pixie orgy looks like, that'll be just fine. I've seen a locust swarm and I've seen a rave before, and I don't need to know what they look like together. That was a bit TMI, man. Just chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. PS: There's no way she's dead. They're like roaches. Update your Enemies List with a new entry, look into anti-faerie wards, and seriously consider getting some black cats. Cats are good at keeping pixies away.
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Sep 2, 2017 03:58
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:I think I screwed up a love potion. It was supposed to "win the heart" of whoever drank it. But their heart literally just burst out of their chest with a life of it's own and tried to kill me. I've since stomped it into a red pulp. "I was hoping not to use my best school of magic so I went with something I've got no experience with because it sounded easy" are famous last words. Well. They would be, if the wizards involved had time to articulate that thought. The actual last words tend to be "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?" and then a lot of shrieks. It's good to step out of your comfort zone, but you're learning from the bottom again, so you have to start small. Use people you won't miss. And punish the skull for misleading you. Don't shatter it unless you've got a better one lined up, but make it think you might. (I'm assuming you have a potionmaster's skull teaching you, because, well, that's the whole point of learning necromancy first!)
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Sep 13, 2017 07:37
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:I couldn't obtain my own potionmaster's skull. Y'know what? That's fine. Everyone improvises when they're first starting out. Get a big jar full of moths and keep it where he can see it. Maybe Death's Head moths. I don't really know if those moths eat socks (I've got an ornithologist's skull, but no entomologist's skull), but I bet he won't, either. And pay close attention. Skulls are eerily expressive, even without any facial muscles, so they're easy to talk to. But it can be really hard to know if a sock puppet is secretly laughing at you or being sarcastic.
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Sep 13, 2017 08:09
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prophet45 posted:Hey, I have a bit of a problem. I'm not really an evil wizard as such, but lately a bunch of my non-wizard buddies have been getting all up in my business, taking all kinds of poo poo about my magics being evil and unnatural, and claiming that my power is corrupting me and that kind of thing. I think a lot of us come from the same place. Some get a bit too into it, but many are just here because the Evil crowd don't get all judgmental. There's nothing "evil" about what I do. I wouldn't just burn down an orphanage because it's Bad, and, 'Muahahaha, I do things that are bad to score badness points!' That's stupid and pointlessly cruel. I burnt down that orphanage for a very good reason, and I did a whole lot of research into alternatives before I decided on that.
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Sep 13, 2017 17:04
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Dragons do very, very well in a post-industrial steampunk or cyberpunk setting. Wealth is power, there. Knowing you're no longer strong enough to kill them all by yourself might chafe for a bit. But your true power will skyrocket. And you might still be a badass, even in a straight up fight. It's honestly a bit weird. Any clash between a modern military and medieval places with dragons never goes well for the dragons. It gets all tragic and relentless-progress-destroys-our-dreams-y. Fighters gunning them down from above, anti-air flak guns ripping through wings, a slow, melancholy fall from the sky. The fall of the golden age. All that. But a dragon who lives in a corporate reality can take out jet-fighters and shrug off nukes. Maybe the corporation's bottom line and the dragon-CEO's crazy high net worth have something to do with it.
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Sep 18, 2017 23:01
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:It doesn't matter, with the correct wards in place all of those things are irrelevant. Great. Now, I've got a version of me who's a cute red-haired emo girl with an eyepatch and a steampunk arm running around. It's really awkward. We work well together when the pressure's on, but we both think the other made some strange and ultimately regrettable life choices. I don't really think my goatee and castle of screaming corpses are quite that weird, but, then, I'm sure I'm biased.
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Oct 15, 2017 09:19
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Many Canadians are actually liches, to survive the frigid Canadian winters. They're okay by me, eh? Canadians go Wendigo, not Lich. Not that there isn't a sizable Lich population up there, but most of them are former Americans who fled during the Bush administration. The average Lich is socially conservative, but theurgically liberal.
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Oct 19, 2017 13:14
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Wait, are you saying that Canadians are extremely prone to cannibalism? That seems very arbitrary. Can't really blame them. I'm mostly a social eater these days (I can't taste anymore but I can make the effort to be polite/maintain cover), so I wouldn't know personally, but all the ghouls I know maintain that Canadians are absolutely exquisite. I think it's probably all that maple syrup and healthcare they got up there.
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Oct 20, 2017 01:18
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Mokbek posted:Help! I tried to pluck the eyes out of my sentient spell books and one of them cast a powerful binding spell on my furniture, infusing it with the essence of a demon! Look, I hate to be That Wizard, but I really can't help you with something as vague as "a demon". We talking Wrath? Sloth? Pride? Lust? One of those ancient primordial things that predate demons but often gets misclassified (often by its own design)? Think long and hard about just what book it was, and what sort of things happened on that chair, and try to be more specific.
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Oct 20, 2017 01:42
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Alright, this isn't my department, but I've got a skull here who says he knows this stuff. He used to be a geomancer. I'll put him on. "Don't use topaz with obsidian. Obsidian is grim, serious, and sometimes deadly. I mean, it used to be lava, and you could make a mean sacrificial knife from the stuff. Topaz is light, cheerful, sunny. It's one of those gems with "healing properties". Ugh. Your scrying pool is pretty much a buddy cop film right now. Topaz is light and cheerful and means well, but he's always by the book. But Obsidian's a hard case and a real loose cannon. 'I don't need a partner', says Obsidian. 'Well, you got one now,' says Topaz. 'Don't worry, I'll grow on ya.' 'Like rock moss,' grumbles Obsidian. But Obsidian takes off on his own. Bow! Bang! But it turns out the badguys are tougher than he thought and he gets in way over his head. So now he's tied up in a warehouse while the badguys plan on how to get rid of him. And Topaz is right outside, but the badguys catch him. 'Hold on now,' he says. 'We can talk about it, right?' The badguys smirk. Can you believe this idiot? Then - pow! Turns out topaz isn't such a pushover after-" Okay, I am cutting him off here. I hope the first bit was helpful, but I don't think I'm gonna let my skulls on my Netflix account anymore.
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Nov 28, 2017 06:29
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Gridlocked posted:Ok I went out and soul trapped a Warg just to see if it would work. The hood recharged a bit! It must be the fresh soul thing. The rear end who told me Troll souls last ages though is so getting a Plagued Skull on his door step though. 'Troll souls last longer' is just specism. Trolls are different, just like everyone. Some have strong souls. Some have weak ones. I mean, a 'Greater Grey Troll', what's that? Was it a troll witch? A troll king? A troll saxophone player? If you don't know, you don't know how much soul it had. Once you go past the skin, the blood, the bones, the spirit (separate thing), all the way down to the soul, we really are all alike. Or so I like to think, because one day I, who began this life as a simple mortal, plan to ascend to godhood.
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Nov 28, 2017 06:48
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Gridlocked posted:Uh a Greater Grey Troll man. Like you kmow the normal Gray Troll with the horns and the gray leathery hide? Its the bigger one with the shaggy fur patches and second set of horns growing. Buddy, if you want to use souls to power things, you need to focus less on what they were, and more on who they were. You gotta pay attention. You gotta care. I've got a full sized Agony Engine (turns tormented souls into useful energy, pretty typical stuff) powered by a single one, and it's been running for a hundred years. It's just a little star of pure Hate, ever-burning in the machine's heart, brighter and more malignant than the day I put it in there. Instead of withering, it prospered, because suffering just gives it strength, and the petty torments of the Engine are nothing compared to what it inflicts upon itself. One day, perhaps, I will fall, and without me the machine will break, and a great horror will be loosed upon the world. Y'know where I got that soul? From a little gnome who really, really hated everyone (but especially his neighbors with the prairie dog who squeaked too loud) for the pettiest of reasons. Just one of those people who wasn't happy unless he and everyone around him was miserable, taken to its beautiful and perfect zenith. Y'know how I found that gnome? A local gnome paper about a funny ongoing neighbor dispute.
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Nov 28, 2017 09:05
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Bacontotem posted:You can power some serious soul gems with that much concetrated suffering souls. Books are great. But for something like this, you really want the talking skull of an expert. Of course, the talking skull of an expert is my answer to most problems, but I don't think you'll be disappointed. My old teacher's skull is spoken for, but I think I remember where I buried an old comrade and rival. I'm pretty sure he's still dead, but be prepared for a bit of extra work if he's gotten better. I'll send a shade over with the info.
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Apr 30, 2018 04:19
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You really want something to anchor you to the physical world. Your own rotting carcass, a magic ring, and so on. Naturally occurring ghosts have their unfinished business, but that's very basic stuff. With proper planning and foresight, you can do a whole lot better. Don't try going ghost without it. You'll just lose sight of why any of it matters, and wander off from the material world into the nighted corners of the spirit realm, and further still into the decaying dreams of Gods long-dead before the universe began. Nice places to visit, but you wouldn't want to un-live there. It's also very hard for a proper ghost to reinvent itself. Once you're a ghost, you're the ghost of whatever it is you were before. So take a long hard look at your fashion sense, your style of magic, and your ultimate purpose before you go through with it. Think hard about those fedoras, man-buns, trousers, or whatever barbarian fashions you kids are into these days. The Spectral Viscount might do his best to "own" that massive codpiece he wears, but I know for a fact he'd get rid of it if he could.
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May 2, 2018 01:34
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