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The first 10 months of 2016 were pretty good. I got involved with the community theater around Ramstein and I found something that really clicks with me. I really enjoying singing and acting onstage and it's great. I met a pretty fantastic gal who was working backstage and we started dating and I thought things were going really great. We talked about getting married, I thought she was really the one. It was great. The last two months have been particularly rough. She couldn't communicate and tell me we were having problems until it was too late to do anything, and the way she finally communicated them was by blowing up out of nowhere two weeks ago. This set me on a lovely road where I started drinking more and turned into a drunken belligerent at a Christmas eve gathering, which made her really "rethink" everything. The day after Christmas I'm sitting here freaking out because during Christmas at her parents' house, she told me the way I was acting reminded her of one of her uncles who got drunk and molested her as a child. I don't remember everything I did Christmas eve so that really hosed me up. I've got nieces, I was really worried I did something unforgivable. Like I've got a child molester hiding inside me waiting to get out. I couldn't convince myself I was a good person. This led to me having a nervous breakdown where I really did not want to be alone at home for fear of doing something stupid. So I asked if I could go over there instead. I went over there and she finally talked to me about things while I was a crying wreck about being a possible child molester. Turns out I didn't do anything, I was just a drunk idiot who kept repeating himself and saying stupid poo poo. But she's been having stress for two months and chalked it up to school, her parents, and theater work. Now she thinks it's the relationship. She told me part of her doesn't want to have to be responsible to someone else for what she does, since she's been hanging out with another dude and I get understandably jealous. She told me she doesn't see a future with me anymore. But she didn't want to break up with me because of the holidays, because of my mental state. She was feeling trapped in the relationship. So I broke up with her, because I wasn't going to wait for the other shoe to drop waiting to be let down easy, and I'm not going to make her be in a relationship she doesn't want. Sounds to me like she just doesn't want to try at all, after I was willing to do almost anything to make it work. Things got hard so she quit. It hurts a lot. I've sat around questioning my worth and why I wasn't good enough. The worst thing is I've been off work and most of the folks I know are out of town for the holidays, so I've had nothing but time to myself to sit and think and hurt. I finally got back on my feet the last few days. It still hurts, but I don't think I'm a child molester. I still miss her and I'm going to but I elected for a hard sever, since nothing else is likely to get me over it. She was somehow surprised that I didn't want to try and stay friends immediately. So hopefully 2017 is more like the first 10 amazing months of 2016, and less like the shitshow of November and December. e: on a semi-funny note, I told her if it's between her or alcohol, it'll always be her. Looks like it's not her so I'll probably pick that back up when I'm not feeling sadbrains and broke up. dscruffy1 fucked around with this message at 14:40 on Jan 2, 2017 |
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Jan 2, 2017 14:37
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 22:11 |
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