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Let me set the scene for you. Not too long ago I was relaxing after a hard day's work with a bit of Judgment Day 2006 (because I make bad life choices) when all of a sudden a thought pops into my head. So I take that thought and I message my good friend Skinty McEdger. The conversation goes a little like this: Rarity: Do you think there'd be interest in PSP for a thread where I watch through all of WWE's PPVs? Skinty: Yes. Yes I do. Rarity: … Skinty: You're insane. Rarity: I know. And thus here is that fated thread! Join me as I watch all of WWE's shows from ages past until I get bored or die (I'm expecting 1993 will cause at least one of those to occur). To give you all some background, I became a fan of wrestling at the start of 2000 in the peak of the Attitude Era. I was a heavy fan for a few years, watched off-and-on for a while after that and then paid a lot of attention between 2011-2013. However, most of what's happened in the last 30 years is unexplored territory for me and I've got pretty much no idea of anything pre-1998. This is going to be my first experience watching old-school wrestling and I'm very excited to share that with you.  The Golden Rule As a lot of my enjoyment for this endeavour comes from discovering the unknown I want to enforce a strict no spoiler policy in this thread so that I can go into these PPVs blind. Things I don't want to know about include but are not limited to:
Table of Contents 1985 Wrestlemania 1: The Granddaddy of them All (Which Is Why He's A Little Bit Racist): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 Rarity fucked around with this message at 20:00 on Jan 24, 2017 |
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Jan 12, 2017 19:25
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WrestleMania I: The Granddaddy of Them All (Which Is Why He's A Little Bit Racist) Part 1 What I Think I Know:
My initial excitement for this endeavour is quickly dispelled by the lack of an over-emotive hype video. Naturally, this plummets my interest to subatomic levels. How am I meant to stay invested in a battle between two burly oiled-up men if not enticed with a homoerotic series of clips of men glaring at each other set to the sounds of Killswitch Engage? Alas, I must struggle on. Instead of hype videos what I get is a bunch of still photos of guys in mullets which I assume are images from the night's events. This assumption is somewhat challenged by the bizarre inclusion of photos of Muhammad Ali and Liberace, both of whom I'm fairly confident had nothing to do with Wrestlemania.  Not the Honky Tonk Man So here we go, time to get started on this grand adventure. It's 1985, we're at Madison Square Garden with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, who is wearing the most ridiculous prom outfit the world has ever seen. Seriously, look at this loving thing.  A man of dignity Yes, somehow while on his way to the world's first ever wrestling showcase Jesse took a wrong turn and ended up being declared Sheriff of San Francisco during Pride (this is, of course, nothing to be ashamed of). And the best part is that he has gone to the effort to find a matching baby pink do-rag. At this point I find the urge to yell at Jesse to fire his stylist but that was soon sated by remembering that this was 31 years ago and Jesse's stylist has long since been forced to seek alternative employment and is probably dead by now. Moving on from this maudlin tangent we are introduced to the first familiar face I will meet on this journey through time. It's the Fink! And boy, is he a sight for sore eyes. The Fink's bold gravitas is like slipping into an old pair of slippers, comfortable and warm. But what's this? This is a younger, bolder Fink. He still has hair, he's a rebel, he's taken the liberty of slapping a giant MSG sign onto his mic:  A ring announcer without a cause! Ok, but seriously, who the hell thought that this was a good idea? It's not like the crowd need to be told where they are. They've already found their way into the arena, they should be pretty clued in at this point. And this is not even the worst of the Fink's transgressions. No, he has even brought notes with him! Actually, I'm not going to make a big deal out out of the Fink bringing a crib sheet along to the biggest event of his life. There are hundreds (thousands?) of people in the arena and many more at home and he has to announce more matches than ever before. It's only natural that he would be worried about making a mistake. After all, we've all known the terror of having to make a presentation at work, right? So anyway, the Fink introduces Mean Gene who proceeds to lead a rousing rendition of the US national anthem.  *insert lyrics about eagles, systemic racism and craft beer* It's a stirring performance, the man's pipes are far better than I ever expected and... Hang on.  Is that...?  No, for real?  You have got to be making GBS threads me. Ok, fine. Look. Here's the thing. Wanting a little bit of help in case you flub your lines on a grand stage in front of audience of thousands (tens of thousands?) of people is one thing, not knowing the words to your own goddam national anthem is another. I'm not exactly patriotic but I can still spit out the lines to God Save The Queen when asked, even after five pints of tea with a roast pheasant in my mouth (I'm British, it's what we eat). From here we move on to a man I've never even heard of before and I have no idea how I got through life without being introduced to the wonder of Lord Alfred Hayes.  Lord Alfred Hayes caught in the moment of doing a little fart So Alfred here is part of the British upper class. Fun fact: this wasn't just in kayfabe, Alfred was a genuine Lord. This is because in the UK all you need to do to become a member of the aristocracy is to declare your title while dancing topless in Buckingham Palace. I myself am Marchioness Rarity. But sadly, much like the British aristocracy Duke Alfred is completely irrelevant to proceedings. I won't keep mentioning it but before every match we will cut to Viscount Alfred as he reads off the participants of the upcoming match with the tone of constipated pidgeon while looking off screen in fear as Vince McMahon presumably licks his lips. I say this because this is the only justification I can think of for allowing such a talentless, awkward man airtime on your greatest show ever. Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate the comedy value of these interludes but they really bring down the PPV. And if you've seen how bad this show is then you understand how big a statement that is. And so we come at last to the first match of the first Wrestlemania. What clash of titans could be worthy of such a grand position? Which big superstars could be deemed worthy of warming the crowd for the greatest extravaganza known to man? Tito Santana vs. The Executioner Oh.  Clearly hailing from the nearest burger bar To kick off this show WWF have pitched a future Hall of Famer against a former pub quiz trivia answer. Yes, welcome to the short-lived career of the Executioner, a shlubby fat guy in a homemade lucha mask that I suspect to be oatgan's dad. Gorilla and Jesse introduce him with a cheerful admission that they have no idea who he is. Neither it seems does Mean Gene or Tito. Perhaps the Executioner is not in fact a wrestler at all, perhaps he is a dude that ran backstage and scribbled his name on the show's lineup and now everyone is just rolling with it out of fear that they'll be fired otherwise. (Seriously, this would explain so much). Anyway, before each match the wrestlers kick back for a chat with Mean Gene and it's here that we find the first entry in a running series that I like to call... Worst Prediction of the Future The Executioner: Everybody's going to know who the Executioner is! Oh, sweetpea... There aren't any entrances! This is a trend that will continue for the first half of the night and one I find very confusing. How am I meant to know who the jobber is if they both have jobber entrances? My simple monkey brain cannot comprehend nuance in this language of wrestling, Vince. So the two wrestlers wait for the bell to ring and Jesse boldly states that Wrestlemania is already living up to his every expectation. It's good to know that all it takes to satisfy 'The Body' is a fair-to-middling rendition of the US national anthem and a fat man in a gimp mask. Anyway the match begins and I have to admit it's slightly better than I expected. (Spoiler: this is the last time in this review I will be able to say that). Tito brings a certain level of speed to the equation that means the match flows at a decent clip. He even puts together a couple of high-risk manoeuvres! I mean, we're not talking WCW-era Rey Mysterio here but there's a couple of nice moments like a version of Spike's Dudley Dog. The match continues with Tito doing everything he can to look passable while the Executioner wanders around in a fugue state until Tito ends it with a flying forearm (which I guess is his finisher?) followed up by the Figure 4 Leglock. The announcers explain the use of this move is to send a message to Greg Valentine, who Tito is currently feuding with. The two of them are not facing each other in a feud-ending clash tonight because Vince wants to save their big blow-off match for that other greatest extravaganza of all time that he's been planning, obviously. Something else worth noting, Tito locks in the submission but the Executioner never taps! Forget Bret Hart, this is the greatest screwjob in modern wrestling! For all we know the Executioner would have been an 18-time WWF champion by now if Vince hadn't purposefully stalled his career at the first hurdle. For shame. King Kong Bundy w/ Jimmy Hart vs. “Special Delivery” Jones Up next we have a giant mismatch as a shaved gorilla takes on a regular human. This is my first introduction to King Kong Bundy, a man who looks albino Viscera with the talent to match. Going up against him is S.D. Jones. I'm trying to work out what kind of goods Mr. Jones is delivering in such a special fashion and it's very hard to say. However, judging by his promo it seems to be a hella amount of cocaine. This is just the first of a bunch of coked up promos in this show, each one more beautiful and special than the last.  Actual Size The match starts and Bundy pushes Jones and smashes him and crushes him and that is all she wrote. Somewhere a young Bryan Danielson clings to his mother's leg without knowing why. The announcers scream with excitement that this was the shortest wrestling match in history at a tremendous 9 seconds. But you want to know something? I went back and timed the match from bell to bell and it comes in at an exhausting 24 seconds! Deceit! Slander! I trusted you, wrestling. You've never lied to me before. Here's the best bit. The announced standing record for the shortest wrestling match in history? It was 23 seconds. They were one second shy. Poetry.
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Jan 12, 2017 19:27
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Are you including The Wrestling Classic? Or will it go Mania 1, Mania 2, Mania 3, Survivor series etc?
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Jan 12, 2017 19:28
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I'm afraid this project is going to take valuable time away from Rarity's Choose-Your-Own-Adventure thread. drat it, I need to know what our NXT Pro Mason Ryan is up to! 
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Jan 12, 2017 20:39
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I both pity and envy you for not knowing who Lord Alfred Hayes was before today. I pity that you didn't know that Tito Santana owns bones.
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Jan 12, 2017 23:39
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You are insane if you're going to break each PPV down into such detail.
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Jan 13, 2017 00:27
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Jerusalem posted:I both pity and envy you for not knowing who Lord Alfred Hayes was before today. I believe Tito has claimed Vince had whittled down who would be the new WWE champion down to two people: Tito or Bret. He chose Bret, obviously. But things would have been different by a fair bit, quite possibly a lot worse, had he chose Tito. And I say that as somebody who likes Tito. El Gallinero Gros fucked around with this message at 06:23 on Jan 13, 2017 |
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Jan 13, 2017 01:44
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Was Rick Martel still around at that time? It's kind of weirdly fitting to imagine Bret/Shawn still happening except with Tito/Rick instead.
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Jan 13, 2017 02:25
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Jerusalem posted:Was Rick Martel still around at that time? It's kind of weirdly fitting to imagine Bret/Shawn still happening except with Tito/Rick instead. Yup. I remember him being in that ten-man tag from Wrestlemania X that got cut for time.
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Jan 13, 2017 02:34
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Tapouts weren't a thing back then - they had to submit verbally. 
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Jan 13, 2017 03:01
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Gavok posted:Yup. I remember him being in that ten-man tag from Wrestlemania X that got cut for time. Rick Martel puts Tito in the Boston Crab. "Ring the drat bell!" shouts Vince McMahon as Earl Hebner frantically motions to the timekeeper. Feigning disbelief, Rick Martel grabs the title belt and quickly vacates the ring. Stunned, Tito Santana looks down from the ring at Vince McMahon... then shrugs and says,"Ahh well he probably felt painted into a corner by desperation, I will be the better man and make a dignified exit". He shakes Vince's hands and leaves to make 3 million a year in WCW, then retires gracefully a year later to spend time with his loving family. Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 07:16 on Jan 13, 2017 |
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Jan 13, 2017 03:51
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Gavok posted:I'm afraid this project is going to take valuable time away from Rarity's Choose-Your-Own-Adventure thread. I'm more worried about being able to keep up my update schedule for my TEW LP  MysticalMachineGun posted:You are insane I'm well aware Max Coveri posted:Tapouts weren't a thing back then - they had to submit verbally. The 80s were terrifying times indeed!
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Jan 13, 2017 08:09
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Rarity, you animal. Good luck.
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Jan 13, 2017 14:45
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Jerusalem posted:I both pity and envy you for not knowing who Lord Alfred Hayes was before today. I really should save my message logs because Raritys real time response to his first appearance on the screen was magical as she suffered an existential crisis over his accent.
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Jan 13, 2017 15:04
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promotional consideration paid for by the following
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Jan 13, 2017 15:59
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the executioner is my dad irl
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Jan 13, 2017 16:01
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oatgan posted:the executioner is my dad irl He must have been a real clown.
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Jan 13, 2017 20:52
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Numero6 posted:He must have been a real clown. until he was born again
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Jan 14, 2017 05:48
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He was Buddy Rose. (this is not important at all)
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Jan 14, 2017 07:28
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KungFu Grip posted:He was Buddy Rose. (this is not important at all) Wikipedia confirms you are correct I always wondered, was "Playboy" Buddy Rose a rib like "Gigolo" Jimmy Del Ray was?
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Jan 14, 2017 09:24
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Jason Sextro posted:Wikipedia confirms you are correct I think it was legit at first, but then it started to become ironic as he got fatter.
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Jan 14, 2017 19:33
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Ricky Steamboat vs. Matt Borne For the first time in the night my interest is peaked. Ricky Steamboat is a guy I know about! He was meant to be an exciting wrestler back in the day. His son was in NXT for a while. He came back and wrestled Chris Jericho years later and that was a thing that happened. Yes, it's fair to say I'm a bit of an expert on the old Steamboater (comparatively speaking). That said, this is going to be my first experience of watching him in action so I'm intrigued to see if he lives up to the hype. I've never heard of Matt Borne but I'm sure his mum thinks he's lovely. So, Ricky Steamboat, first impressions. He's not bad, I guess? When you stack him up against the rest of the talent on this show then he was up towards the top, no doubt. However, there was nowhere near the flair I've always imagined him to have from when hearing people talk about his matches. It's a sad state of affairs when you've been outshined by Tito Santana. Of course, it didn't look like Borne was much help so I'm sure he's capable of better. I know that there's the big Savage/Steamboat match coming down the line so I'm not writing him off just yet. The match itself was just kinda there. I didn't hate it, the moves were crisp but not very exciting and just as it was starting to heat up it all ends with a flying crossbody. And seriously, that is one underwhelming way of winning a match. I realise that this was probably a big deal move in 1985 but this is the reason I don't get on with old time wrestling, it's so incredibly dated. David Sammartino w/ Bruno Sammartino vs. Brutus Beefcake w/ Johnny Valiant Oh hey, here are a couple of other people I've heard about. Now going from memory Bruno Sammartino was like the 60s version of Hogan, Austin and Cena all rolled into one. Tonight he is here to look after his son, a kid who is clearly only here so they can cash in on his famous dad and not because of his limited amateur wrestling ability. Then there's Brutus, a guy who I believe floated through wrestling for years on the good will of being Hogan's BFF. And to accompany Brutus to the ring is - holy poo poo, you guys, this dude is amazing. Welcome to the world of Luscious Johnny. Imagine, if you will, a fat middle aged man with a peroxide blonde perm, a small grey moustache, a New Jersey accent and a lamé gold track jacket and you're still not even close to the beauty that is Johnny Valiant. Before the match Mean Gene brings in Johnny for a few words and the man goes on a manic rant involving Brutus blowing a raspberry into the mic and the assertion that Johnny will stick his nose anywhere he likes, a threat which he appears to have already followed through multiple times before the show even started.  A beautiful, beautiful man After such a moment of majesty it's only natural that the match itself would be a let-down. And boy, is it a let-down. For the first time in the night we get an entrance for our faces as the Sammartinos come down to the ring  WWF engages in wishful thinking Once the match begins it stalls... and stalls... and stalls... It's like David and Brutus are both waiting to get to the fireworks factory but each man thinks the other is driving. In fact this is much more like watching legit high school wrestling than it is a sports entertainment spectacle. Luckily the announcers have a couple of nice moments here, first with Jesse's manly assertions that he wouldn't know where to get tights and then when David has Brutus on the mat with his butt in the air they point out that “the fans are getting a full view of the Beefcake”. Proceedings mercifully come to an end when Johnny has the temerity to get physically involved, leading to Bruno jumping into the ring and everything descending into a schmozz. The bell starts ringing and the match is... thrown out? That's right, they've booked a double DQ on their huge extravaganza! The crowd shits all over this but me, I'm just confused. Where is Teddy Long? This is the perfect time for a bit of mack militant. I need my tag team match, playa! WWF Intercontinental Title Match The Junkyard Dog vs. Greg Valentine Stumbling away in confusion I fall into the loving arms of Mean Gene. His moustache wafts over me like a warm embrace. It's time for the first title match of the evening and so we are introduced to the Intercontinental champion, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Greg claims to be in the best shape of his life, which speaks pretty badly for him because he looks like rear end. As for Greg's opponent it's none other than Tito's best friend, the Junkyard Dog and- ok, look I need to level with you. I don't know who any of these people are, I don't know the context to the gimmicks or the personalities or the histories and I'm sure that many of these guys in the 80s were legitimate stars in their time but what it comes down to is I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT JYD IS SAYING. He's yelling and pointing and I think there was a bit of barking in there and I think this guy might be actually nuts. Before the match begins we are treated to another entrance and I'm treated to the unintentional awkwardness of thousands of rich white Americans cheering at the sight of a black dude in chains.  This is ok. This is definitely ok. The match begins and it's as slow as expec- hold on a second, the belt is green, what the actual gently caress? In what world did somebody wake up and think making your title belt the colour of mushy peas was a sensible idea? That's not a title belt, it's an embarrassment. Ahem. So the match is as slow and plodding as every other match on the show. At one point JYD must drop a baggie cause he gets on his hands and knees and crawls around the ring, occasionally butting into Greg Valentine. I assume he has lost his cocaine because there is no way such an idiotic move could be intentional. Jesse says that the JYD can smell victory “the same way he can smell dog food” because this gimmick just wasn't degrading enough to black people yet. But it doesn't stop there, Jesse's also responsible for the first in my next ongoing series... Most Grossly Offensive Comment Jesse: The JYD with a whole lot of shuckin' and jivin'. Yes, Jesse. He's black. I get it. We come to the finish as Greg gets JYD into a pin and puts his feet on the ropes, by which I mean lazily flops his feet on them at the last possible second. The champ wins, the champ wins! The crowd do not appreciate Greg's dastardly heel tactics but hark, who comes from yonder gorilla position? Tito's here to save the day! He explains to the referee what happened and in a smart move the referee changes his decision based on the second-hand evidence of a biased witness. Funny story: this is also why I didn't win the last season of the Bachelor. Anyway we got ourselves an old fashioned Dusty finish and this match is ON! JYD pumps himself up and Greg... leaves? Yep, the champ is no longer here, hustling his rear end all the way out of the arena. JYD wins by count out and celebrates an epic win over a non-existent opponent while failing at his attempt to win a) the Intercontinental title and b) the respect of America's upper classes meaning that much like Obama's presidency, nothing of value was achieved.
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Jan 15, 2017 19:43
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Rarity posted:It's a sad state of affairs when you've been outshined by Tito Santana. That's like being outsmarted by Albert Einstein! Rarity posted:it all ends with a flying crossbody. And seriously, that is one underwhelming way of winning a match .... it's so incredibly dated. I know that Hiroshi Tanahashi is no longer the top Ace of New Japan but I wouldn't call him incredibly dated! 
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Jan 15, 2017 21:39
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I predict we'll hit 2016 by 2020, getting in the ground floor here! The Wrestling Classic counts in this right?
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Jan 16, 2017 05:21
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OldTennisCourt posted:I predict we'll hit 2016 by 2020, getting in the ground floor here! It better. It's an entirely watchable show but so oddly done.
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Jan 16, 2017 05:30
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good luck Ip
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Jan 16, 2017 05:35
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wasn't the top-rope crossbody/bodypress/whatever Steamboat's finisher in the WWF? Did he ever use the double chickenwing?
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Jan 16, 2017 10:10
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Jason Sextro posted:wasn't the top-rope crossbody/bodypress/whatever Steamboat's finisher in the WWF? Did he ever use the double chickenwing? Yeah crossbody was his finisher. If WWE games are anything to go by, his second finisher was a diving karate chop???? Also as far as I know the triple headbutts on the ground was JYD's finisher...maybe??? Or at least a signature move. Mark Henry was doing it recently in homage.
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Jan 16, 2017 10:47
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You insane bastard.Rarity posted:Ok, fine. Look. Here's the thing. Wanting a little bit of help in case you flub your lines on a grand stage in front of audience of thousands (tens of thousands?) of people is one thing, not knowing the words to your own goddam national anthem is another. I'm not exactly patriotic but I can still spit out the lines to God Save The Queen when asked, even after five pints of tea with a roast pheasant in my mouth (I'm British, it's what we eat). Can confirm that this is true. Have to mind the shot in the pheasant though.
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Jan 16, 2017 14:29
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Godspeed, Rarity  This is gonna be a fun read.
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Jan 16, 2017 15:18
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Ya know, technically since WWE owns all the WCW and ECW footage and it's all on the Network..... shouldn't you be reviewing all of them too?
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Jan 16, 2017 15:40
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OldTennisCourt posted:I predict we'll hit 2016 by 2020, getting in the ground floor here! i predict it gets to wrestlemania II before op gets bored of 80s wrestling
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Jan 16, 2017 16:36
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Yeah, if Steamboat doing a crossbody bores her, she'll be asleep on the keyboard by the time Bundy and Hogan step into the cage.
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Jan 16, 2017 16:47
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Ok so tapouts weren't a thing back then but Tapout clothing was a thing, right? And Steamboat didn't do the incredibly flashy stuff you see today but drat was everything done beautifully. Best Armdrags In the Business Push El Burrito fucked around with this message at 17:41 on Jan 16, 2017 |
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Jan 16, 2017 17:38
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MotU posted:i predict it gets to wrestlemania II before op gets bored of 80s wrestling I've given her an incentive if she manages to get past WM 4.
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Jan 16, 2017 17:59
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Skinty McEdger posted:I've given her an incentive if she manages to get past WM 4. Wrestlemania 4 is still going on though, or does it just feel like it when I try and watch the drat thing?
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Jan 17, 2017 00:51
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This is incredibly entertaining. Thanks for attempting this you crazy person.
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Jan 17, 2017 01:47
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I predict you'll get to 1992 at best before you descend into gibbering lunacy and immolate yourself.
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Jan 17, 2017 08:38
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Yorkshire Tea posted:Have to mind the shot in the pheasant though. I like the shot personally, it adds spice MotU posted:i predict it gets to wrestlemania II before op gets bored of 80s wrestling Oh, I'm already bored of 80s wrestling, I thought that was obvious. DukeofCA posted:I predict you'll get to 1992 at best before you descend into gibbering lunacy and immolate yourself. Luckily I was born crazy 
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Jan 17, 2017 09:15
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| # ? May 3, 2024 06:15 |
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You will die. Kind regards,
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Jan 17, 2017 10:32
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