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President Trump stood behind the podium, his giant, inhumanly muscular girth covered by a pink silk dress shirt. "I love these rallies! It never gets old!" he quipped in a deep, otherworldly voice as another protester was covered by a sack cloth and beaten with a tire irons. Suddenly, a man removed a red hat and prosthetic face to reveal he was black. The crowd around him gasped. Silence descended on the assembly, soon to be replaced with hushed whispers. It was Donald who broke the silence. "Where's your owner?!" He demanded. The black man, his courage suddenly faltering, stammered "I... I don't have one. N- nobody should." With a loud squeak, President Trump crushed the microphone in his iron grip, a scowl furrowing on his massive, low-sloping forehead. He began to speak; "By the power vested in me by the Fugitive Slave Act, I hereby confiscate you unti-" Before he could finish, a nearby hooded figure pulled away his cowl to reveal immaculately groomed dark hair. Mitt Romney, leader of the rebel insurgency, was here to cause more trouble. With superhuman speed he tossed a water bottle at the black man, shouting "Quickly Darnell, convert to Mormonism so your skin turns white!" The bottle flipped end over end in the air as if in slow motion. It finally came to a rest in the black man's hand, after which it immediately was poured over his curly hair in a baptismal rite. "By the power of Joseph Smith I cast these demons out!" He shouted. Tendrils of light began to swirl around him, arcing through his body until a bright flash stunned the onlookers. Emerging from the smoke was a smiling Caucasian man. "My name isn't Darnell," he said with a smirk, "it's Chad now." Donald turned to Romney the Rebel. His eyes narrowed menacingly.
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Jan 27, 2017 07:28
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 02:57 |
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The hooded figure walked down the steps, his torch casting shadows on the dusty cobwebs clinging to the walls. "Where are we?" his companion asked. The cloaked man turned around, lowering his hood. His graying, perfectly combed hair gleamed in the torchlight. Finally he spoke: "A library. People used to come here and read books... back before..." his voice trailed off for a moment, and Mitt Romney cast his eyes down in sadness, a single teardrop falling upon his wizened cheek. "Don't worry," he continued "they'll never find us here." he said as he resumed walking.
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Jan 27, 2017 07:33
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Wrestlemania 41 was held in Washington DC. In the sweltering summer heat of yet another hottest year on record, Trump glistened with sweat-soaked, freakishly huge muscles. He was the size of a small elephant, his hands like meaty watermelons with foot-long fingers. The fingers flushed red as they wrapped around another wrestling opponent, launching him out of the ring like a ragdoll. Surgeon General Carson marveled at the creation of his mad science as the wrestler smashed into the crowd near him, sending chairs and spectators catapulting into the air. He stared pitilessly at the wounded, their limbs twisted from the impact. "Always bring your Health Coupons to a WWF match." he quipped. The audience cheered and hooted. Carson had come to a solemn peace about his masterwork; the ultimate application of stem cells and genetic engineering. Press Secretary Sean Hannity issued denials against the rumors of unethical science experiments in the Trumphouse bunker, but the public couldn't help noticing that their president was "yuuuge." As he beat his massive chest, Donald shouted "WHO BUILD WALL?!?!" to chants of "Trump! Trump!" from the audience. As the chanting continued, he bellowed "WHO TAKE IRAQ OIL!? WHO BAN MUSLIMS?!" While the roar of the crowd continued, one last wrestler was brought in. The event wouldn't be over until Trump did his signature move, "The Stump." The terrified bodybuilder was ushered into the ring; the behemoth in front of him reaching around to grab a Ford Focus by the axle, hoisting it aloft. The wrestler's last sight was the undercarriage of a car whooshing down through the air with dazzling speed. As always, the remains would be taken to the Protein Reclamation Vats for reprocessing.
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Jan 27, 2017 07:43
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#1 Hit on the charts 8 months running: "She Don't Know" by Toby Keith "She Don't Know" Well mah truck says "Trump" and mah girl done ran Run away with a colored man who comes from the land of sand. Well I'm an American through and through I proudly fly my daddy's flag of red, white, & blue But she don't know Bout that good ol' Trump She don't know Bout the Massachussetts Body Dump They caught her with a Pain Net Trying to skip town with mah heart But the Donald knows what she gon' get Protein Reclamation after stripping her for parts Cause she don't know Bout that good ol' Trump And she don't know Bout the force behind a vacuum pump [bridge] The liberals are running scared What makes you so afraid? Every debt in this nation, the US of A Well you know it gon' get paid I'm sure you've heard the rumors and I'm proud to say its true Cause all these years that you been spittin on the red, white, & blue We been buildin The Wall and we been makin a factory Conveyor belts with Commies into protein vats for victory [guitar solo] She called me just the other day and tried to beg me back, I only need my dog to watch you wheel along that track, At the end of the belt comes the cattle bolt gun, I hope you think of me and I think we both know who won. Cause she don't know Bout that good ol' Trump She don't know About the one who can't be stumped She don't know No, she don't know Next season it'll be on a reality show God bless America and God bless Donald For lettin that jezebel end up in a bottle.
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Jan 27, 2017 07:55
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