Snowpocalypse, 2017

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Snowpocalypse, 2017

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

On "Tueday" of this week, a NOR'EASTER might descend on the unassuming residents of New England who have never experienced snow before.

This storm could, potentially, maybe bring snow and/or wind to a large region. Weather forecasters do not know the exact timing, or strength, or trajectory, or existentiality of the potential storm, but it could happen and New England goons need to be prepared.

The following are some basic winter storm survival tips I have picked up through years of hard outdoorsy living in MAINE and voraciously consuming weather related media.

Preparations

Go out RIGHT NOW to your local grocer. DO NOT buy canned goods or other non-perishables - purchase all the milk and bread you can. Now that you have the milk and bread, you will be forced to consume these highly perishable items and physically bulk up in preparation for the storm. This is essential to survival.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6zaVYWLTkU
Do you have a generator? If not, go to Home Depot and buy the largest, most expensive generator you can. If you're not sure which one to get, syphon some gas and power it up in the Home Depot parking lot. Pick the loudest one. Knowing the power needs of your home and the layout of the circuitry is not required, especially while conversing with the 17 year old in charge of selling you this equipment. Once you have the generator, (this part is important) ensure it is hooked up to backfeed the local power lines and electrocute your neighbors. If your generator is more powerful than theirs (it will be), you will win the electricity war and hopefully kill them. Steal their milk and bread either way.
Stock up on essentials it will be hard to get during the storm, such as lube and condoms. (this one is real)
An old trick to prevent water lines from freezing is to open the valves slightly, to allow a steady drip of water. Take it a step further and open them all the way.
Grilling is a great way to cook food and heat water for your home if the power goes out. Bring your grill (either charcoal or propane) into a central location in your home for easy access and to take advantage of the latent heat.
Do a quick check of your snow removal equipment. Shovels are not necessary if you have a snowblower. Snowblowers are notoriously reliable and require little to no part replacement throughout their life. If you have a truck, connect your snow plow. You should use a newer vehicle for snow plowing, as you will want a newer engine and drive train to abuse and destroy.

During the Storm
If you have children, let them play outside during the storm - kids love freshly fallen snow and the whiteout conditions allows them a unique imaginative freedom. Nearby forests can be a great place for play, as they can be enchanting and quite beautiful during a major snowstorm.
When it is time for work, you will find many choose to stay home. You would not want to be mistaken for a sissy liberal - attending work during a snow emergency proves your commitment to capitalism, your career, and will give you a leg up during your next performance appraisal.
When driving in the snow, keep one golden rule in mind: Pass all plows ASAP on either side of the road.
If the power goes out and your generator is not functioning properly, light a candle in every room of your house, you never know when you may need to go in there.
Snow weight on your roof can be a serious concern. Grab a ladder and head up there every so often with a shovel or snowblower to clear it off.
A major snow event with the likelihood of a power outage may seem like a good opportunity to have an elderly relative visit. You can provide them with a safe place to stay and it would be a great chance to bond and learn life experiences from this wonderful human being, perhaps even about snowstorms of yesteryear. But old people suck, as well all know, and often smell funny. Let them be and you might get a nice inheritance out of this SNOWPOCALYPSE!

Other HOT snow tips from goons:

Gay Weed Dad posted:

Hot CT Snow Tips:
- Keep the most bald Chinese tires on your car possible; this will allow for less friction against the snow and will make your journey very smooth
- Do not under any circumstances clean your car off; nature put it there and nature should take it away
- Should you lose traction floor your accelerator to create "snow burnouts"; this will alert passing drivers that you are cool and should be assisted in any way possible

TheSpamalope posted:

Good tip: get a sled and a rope and tie the rope to a car and then ride the sled and hold the rope while the car is driving doing wicked moves this is called "skateboarding"

turn off the TV posted:

One pro tip that I've learned over the years is to make sure that your car's lights are turned off when you're driving during a snowstorm, or even when it's heavily raining. This is especially true if you are in a white or lightly colored vehicle. Many drivers feel heightened anxiety when driving in poor conditions, and by turning your lights out you will spare them the stress of having to consider the presence of other vehicles until you begin tailgating them.

NihilismNow posted:

It is well known if you have winter tires or 4wd you do not need to take weather conditions into account. If you have both it is in fact scientifically impossible to lose grip and you should never go below the speed limit.

*Please drive by The Walrus's house if you follow the above tip.

Jimmy Hats posted:

Snowstorm Tip: Leaving the front and back door of your house open will allow through-flow of the snow, which will prevent it from piling up in front of your door and you getting stuck!

"poverty goat posted:

plan ahead. dont wait till the night before to buy weed

also as with any snow event just pack your bong to the neck with snow. no water required

McStabby posted:

If you drive too fast when it snows, you will die in a car accident, so be sure to not go over 20mph. Be sure to brake as soon as you approach an intersection, ideally starting a quarter mile away.

If you need to banish your children so you can make love to your wife / partner, EX250 has some ideas:

EX250 Type R posted:

I strap an orange flag to them and let them go nuts out back

Ork of Fiction posted:

Be very careful going out at night, because the "biting cold" can mask the real bites of werewovfs and vampires hiding in the dark. Then next thing u know ur up to ur armpits in the blood of loved ones, oh woe to the curwsd!!

spud posted:

Make liberal use of the parking brake in snow to do some awesome power slides. Residential areas are best as it's more likely people are around to cheer you on.

FistEnergy posted:

pro tip if youre new to the area, hit up the supermarket once the snow gets heavy. the heavier the better. eveyone else will be stuck at home so the shelves will be jam packed and you can grab all the sick deals and best cuts of meat

Jimmy Hats posted:

Jimmy Hats Snowstorm Tip #2: Taking out the garden hose and hosing down your roof will create a protective layer of ice, which will make the snow slip off the roof and prevent it from accumulating and causing a collapse!

Zippy the Bummer posted:

you can rip ferocious toots directly onto the pilot light of your gas furnace and heat your home

Tinfoil Papercut fucked around with this message at 17:44 on Mar 14, 2017

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:20

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# ? May 16, 2024 20:04

500excf type r: Mar 7, 2013; I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.

I just recently moved from Maine to CT and today my daughter's school was canceled for 1-3" of snow.

Her friends in Maine were not as and will never be as lucky.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:43

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

I'm snowing in my pants atm

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:45

givepatajob: Apr 8, 2003; One finds that this is the best of all possible worlds.

My daily prayers for death may finally be answered. Allah Akbar!

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:46

jeff smisek: May 18, 2009

EX250 Type R posted:

I just recently moved from Maine to CT and today my daughter's school was canceled for 1-3" of snow.

Her friends in Maine were not as and will never be as lucky.

loving pansies nowadays, when i lived in CT, I remember going to school in blizzards on the reg

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:46

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

taurus judge is garbage poo poo for idiots

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:47

Toadvine: Mar 16, 2009; Please disregard my advice w/r/t history.

I had to bring my poinsettias in this morning

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:48

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

jeff smisek posted:

loving pansies nowadays, when i lived in CT, I remember going to school in blizzards on the reg

Global warming man

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:51

500excf type r: Mar 7, 2013; I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.

Yeah just whisper the word snow loudly and they seem to close down schools here

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:52

Vulture Culture: Jul 14, 2003; I was never enjoying it. I only eat it for the nutrients.

jeff smisek posted:

loving pansies nowadays, when i lived in CT, I remember going to school in blizzards on the reg

highway budgets ain't what they used to be

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:55

Gay Weed Dad: Jul 12, 2016; cool dude, flyin' high

EX250 Type R posted:

Yeah just whisper the word snow loudly and they seem to close down schools here

This has only happened recently because of how little snow we have gotten. The schools get an allotted budget of snow days that are on a "user it or lose it" basis so when they have excess they tend to be more cautious.

Hot CT Snow Tips:
- Keep the most bald Chinese tires on your car possible; this will allow for less friction against the snow and will make your journey very smooth
- Do not under any circumstances clean your car off; nature put it there and nature should take it away
- Should you lose traction floor your accelerator to create "snow burnouts"; this will alert passing drivers that you are cool and should be assisted in any way possible

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:58

Fog Tripper: Mar 3, 2008; by Smythe

How is Atlanta handling this pocalypse?

# ? Mar 10, 2017 18:59

Gay Weed Dad: Jul 12, 2016; cool dude, flyin' high

Fog Tripper posted:

How is Atlanta handling this pocalypse?

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:00

TheSpamalope: Dec 30, 2008; by sebmojo; Lipstick Apathy

Good tip: get a sled and a rope and tie the rope to a car and then ride the sled and hold the rope while the car is driving doing wicked moves this is called "skateboarding"

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:01

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

These are good tips, updated OP so we can share this safety information with other goons.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:23

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

TheSpamalope posted:

wicked

Here be a New England boy, born and bred.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:26

turn off the TV: Aug 4, 2010; moderately annoying

One pro tip that I've learned over the years is to make sure that your car's lights are turned off when you're driving during a snowstorm, or even when it's heavily raining. This is especially true if you are in a white or lightly colored vehicle. Many drivers feel heightened anxiety when driving in poor conditions, and by turning your lights out you will spare them the stress of having to consider the presence of other vehicles until you begin tailgating them.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:34

NihilismNow: Aug 31, 2003

It is well known if you have winter tires or 4wd you do not need to take weather conditions into account. If you have both it is in fact scientifically impossible to lose grip and you should never go below the speed limit.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:36

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

make sure you stick with your all seasons and be sure to drive by my house which is on a 15 degree inclined road. thanks

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:53

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

NihilismNow posted:

It is well known if you have winter tires or 4wd you do not need to take weather conditions into account. If you have both it is in fact scientifically impossible to lose grip and you should never go below the speed limit.

if you drive in the left lane below the speed limit no matter the weather conditions you deserve death

# ? Mar 10, 2017 19:53

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

Not sure if Colorado tips apply on the east coast, but I've always found that it's best to leave sidewalks unshoveled just in case it melts later in the day. No sense wasting effort in the AM on a chore that the sun will take care of in a few hours or three days.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:04

Servaetes: Sep 10, 2003; False enemy or true friend?

I've never seen snow up until this year and holy poo poo it owns why in the world would anyone dislike it, it's so pretty

I'm told it hasn't been the right snow for a snowman though :mad:

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:06

rezatahs: Jun 9, 2001; by Smythe

hawt tip from an old al-can travel thread

load your trunk with pb&j sandwiches so if you somehow despite all precautions get stranded in your vehicle you can chowdown on the life giving nectar they provide

i'm alaskan so you know this is good poo poo

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:08

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Servaetes posted:

I've never seen snow up until this year and holy poo poo it owns why in the world would anyone dislike it, it's so pretty

I'm told it hasn't been the right snow for a snowman though

It's fine to look at from inside a heated building

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:10

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

snow is great unless you need to drive in it. also if you live in a city it turns to brown sludge real quick which is less nice.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:11

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

Speleothing posted:

Not sure if Colorado tips apply on the east coast, but I've always found that it's best to leave sidewalks unshoveled just in case it melts later in the day. No sense wasting effort in the AM on a chore that the sun will take care of in a few hours or three days.

Or, in the case of my state, three months.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:12

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps-JZcRXHUw

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:24

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

Tinfoil Papercut posted:

Or, in the case of my state, three months.

Yeah man, whatever makes the most sense for your city's snow-removal schedule. You also don't want to have to re-shovel after the plow, or let the plow pile turn into a rock-hard wall across the driveway. Though ofc a rock-hard wall can be great for snowball fights.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:28

Space Crabs: Mar 10, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

don't forget bananas.

You need milk, bread and bananas.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 20:31

Ape Has Killed Ape: Sep 15, 2005

It's been in the 60s in Tennessee since mid February. What the gently caress is snow?

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:03

Servaetes: Sep 10, 2003; False enemy or true friend?

I've lived in Florida for the majority of my life and I genuinely cannot tell but it seems pretty drat rad

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:05

social vegan: Nov 7, 2014

that's just a pic of detroit

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:10

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

Speleothing posted:

Though ofc a rock-hard wall can be great for snowball fights.

That's what I try to explain to everyone, but the neighbors children just keep crying. Sore losers, IMO.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:31

The Duchess Smackarse: May 8, 2012; by Lowtax

Snowstorm Tip: Leaving the front and back door of your house open will allow through-flow of the snow, which will prevent it from piling up in front of your door and you getting stuck!

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:33

Sweaty IT Nerd: Jul 13, 2007

I love that Snowpac Dr Freeze collab Vladivostok Love.

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:36

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

as with any natural disaster the #1 priority is to have enough drugs and alcohol on hand to last until the power comes back on

plan ahead. dont wait till the night before to buy weed

e: also as with any snow event just pack your bong to the neck with snow. no water required

# ? Mar 10, 2017 21:36

Pimpcasso: Mar 13, 2002; VOLS BITCH

I will be driving my rear wheel drive truck with bald tires and give no shits

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:14

Three-Phase: Aug 5, 2006; by zen death robot

Space Crabs posted:

don't forget bananas.

You need milk, bread and bananas.

And peanut butter! You can make a tasty sandwich! :kiddo:

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:19

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

ALL THE TOILET PAPER!

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:36

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# ? May 16, 2024 20:04

500excf type r: Mar 7, 2013; I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.

I took the plow off my truck 10 days ago and I am really on the fence about putting it back on

# ? Mar 10, 2017 22:58

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