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lol Living in a world designed for people when superpowers were plentiful, more powerful, and you could use them all the time. Now you have to meditate in a cave full of glowing crystals for an hour just to open the old family cottage's gate because it was designed for people employing 5000 lb grip strength The trip to the nearest convenience store takes you a full hour, because speedsters back in grandpa's day could run the 50 km in under 0.4 seconds and would fly right past it if it were built any closer. You on the other hand can only manage 60 mph and need a short break along the way. |
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Mar 27, 2024 18:52
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 05:55 |
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Screaming into the telephone like a boomer because back then they had super microphones |
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Mar 27, 2024 20:37
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the front door of doctor brain's brain mansion is locked. the locking mechanism is a key pad. four guards stand watch at the door. every day each guard is told one quarter of the code by professor brain's computer, the brainframe. only by psychically examining the mind of all four guards can the code that unlocks the door be obtained. professor brain is the only psychic on earth powerful enough to accomplish this. after a few minutes of straining, probing and astrally projecting, doctor brain is only able to read the baby shark song from the guards minds. it is now stuck in his head. professor brain sighs resignation, moves the doormat aside and picks up the spare key |
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Mar 28, 2024 00:41
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The Voice of Labor posted:the front door of doctor brain's brain mansion is locked. the locking mechanism is a key pad. four guards stand watch at the door. every day each guard is told one quarter of the code by professor brain's computer, the brainframe. only by psychically examining the mind of all four guards can the code that unlocks the door be obtained. professor brain is the only psychic on earth powerful enough to accomplish this. |
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Mar 28, 2024 01:14
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Communication problems faced by ghosts: People can hear ghosts but ghosts can't hear people, so the ghosts presume people are being passive aggressive when they don't get a response Ghosts can hear people but people can't hear ghosts, so the ghosts interpret the random coughing and lip smacking people do as rudeness; when people mutter drivel or song lyrics to themselves the ghosts think they must be talking with someone with mental health problems Both can hear both but people initially presume the voices of ghosts are hallucinations and don't respond so ghosts start to think nobody can hear them pretty early on and stop trying Both can hear both but the voices of ghosts come out distorted and terrifying so humans just scream even when it's dad telling his son he's proud of him and trying to give him the winning lottery numbers Neither can hear the other and so most ghosts grasp the situation right away but the real chatterbox ghosts just presume everyone is ignoring them just like in real life |
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Mar 28, 2024 12:52
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The Pig Detective. |
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Mar 28, 2024 19:35
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Prurient Squid posted:The Pig Detective. The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was truffle |
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Mar 28, 2024 20:45
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Dr Brain tries to read my brain, but I can't spell for poo poo, so all he gets is dyslexic nonsense. Dr Brain throws his brain hat on the ground in disgust. |
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Mar 28, 2024 20:46
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Dr Brain: ...you live like this? |
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Mar 28, 2024 20:47
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:ancient greek onlookers/admirers of an early philosophy discussion: whoa... did you hear what that guy thought? i wonder what he's thinking... i wonder what HE'S thinking... that guy over THERE yeah... well i wonder what they're BOTH going to think NEXT at the SAME TIME and i ALSO wonder if it's going to BE the same. oh... drat dude... drat..... |
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Mar 28, 2024 21:50
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Karate Bastard posted:Dr Brain: ...you live like this? |
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Mar 28, 2024 21:51
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Dr Brain finds that her new power isn't all she expected it to be: She read the mind of an investment broker at Starbucks but his tip made her lose money. Warren Buffet could probably help but she doesn't know where he is. The Presidential motorcade went by and she caught Biden pondering over bombing Iran that night. But none of the newspapers took her seriously and the bombing didn't happen either way. Boss at the dick sucking factory thinks that she is too slow. But when she sped up just a little everyone starting thinking she's a show-off. Even the boss. Her crush thinks 'If only she didn't wear any makeup I would so ask her out' but then when she saw him next wearing a cute dress and no makeup he just thought 'If only she wore heels I would totally ask her out'. So she wears heels and he thinks 'If only she shared my taste in music'. So she puts on Arctic Monkeys at the next party. He still left with that new girl someone brought along. |
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Mar 28, 2024 22:04
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Dr Brain builds a brain fortress in the Carpathians complete with concertina, moats and sharks with friggin lazers just to keep a safe distance from all the gross weirdos and their gross weirdo thoughts so she can eat her drat eggs in peace and watch some Gilmore girls. |
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Mar 29, 2024 01:44
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I'm just proud that Dr. Brain successfully defended his thesis
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Mar 29, 2024 02:36
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Prurient Squid posted:The Pig Detective. tail uncurls and curls back up when he's smoking his pipe and really thinking about the case |
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Mar 29, 2024 04:24
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Villain calls pig detective to let 'em know that he'll only be caught 'when pigs fly', so pig detective hops on a biplane to look for & catch the villain from the air, in a call-back to Shakespeare |
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Mar 29, 2024 09:41
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A man called Horsethief McGraw That's not a nickname that's what's on his birth certificate and he's grown up to be a super law-abiding person for the most obvious reasons |
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Mar 29, 2024 11:16
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Greatly overachieved the humble expectations of proud parents who only made it to the level of pony thieves. |
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Mar 29, 2024 11:22
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cyborg with an vape windpipe he can hotswap cartidges to
code: |
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Mar 29, 2024 14:37
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Prurient Squid posted:Self help rap battle. |
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Mar 29, 2024 22:04
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a cartoon about anthropomorphic poo poo logs. their personalities conform to their texture and content. the nutty one is nutty, the corny one is corny and the smooth one is smooth |
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Mar 30, 2024 01:13
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True to their fashion American powerlifters start transitioning away from using standardized metrics for measuring and communicating the power of their lifts, but start preferring to express them in terms of what fruits and vegetables they crush as part of specific movements. Like bro how much do you squat, I'm not precisely at coconuts yet but I do cantaloupes pretty consistently. Not bad bro, I'm doing apples and turnips mostly. Dude woah no way. There's a mess everywhere |
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Mar 30, 2024 11:46
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Then there's the gym where everyone uses hyperbole to describe their numbers 'Look upon my gains and weep. If I didn't weigh down my chinups I would be hurled all the way to the moon.' "Well my squat could lift Mt. Everest off the ground upon which it sits. But my grip would crunble the rock to dust." '...okay I'm a liar I'd fly up past the atmosophere and go into orbit but no further.' Somehow everyone understands that this is 100 lbs, 450 lbs, 122 lbs, and 75 lbs respectively. |
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Mar 30, 2024 13:50
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a gym where you add up all your reps and sets for the workout and report the total pounds lifted as your score for the day to their app everyone's pounds add up on a screen titled DEFEAT ATLAS where the earth gets bigger and heavier with everyone's reported poundage increasing and he progressively struggles more and more whoever contributed the most becomes the model for the new atlas when the previous one's been crushed
code: |
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Mar 30, 2024 16:22
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Man I got pounded so hard at the gym today, feel my muscles |
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Mar 30, 2024 16:41
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Man it's hard being a wizard. So we spend ages delving into dusty archaic tomes for forbidden shibboleths to summon the shoggoths, but here's the thing: do you have any idea how many dead tongues and lost languages there are? Including the insectile and the ursine? And Welsh? Every smegging syllable is a swear in some silly dead old language it seems. Hell, include the cetacean and you daren't even moan on the shitter anymore. What a loving nightmare. Could you pass the tomatoes pleaAAAAH! |
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Mar 30, 2024 16:51
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Harry Potter, but it's the age when the fake rear end gobbledygook they use for spells was actually common vernacular. "Arse!" A bolt shot from Snape's wand. "Butt goblin" Harry countered quickly, sending the spells crashing into the chandeliers. "Deeeeeeeeze NUTS!" bellowed Dumbledore, finally putting an end to this nonsense. Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Mar 30, 2024 |
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Mar 30, 2024 19:26
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despite being amoung the best selling scifi book series for more than half a century, the only people who have read any of the dune books are screenplay writers |
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Mar 30, 2024 20:25
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A man in traditional robes twirls a long shafted hoe into a blur, backflips and somersaults onto it, and gets springily catapulted head over heels into the monastery moat. Another does the kata onto an assortment of rakes, each hitting him squarely in the face. You found it, finally. The temple of the Shaolin Wonks.
Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 21:33 on Mar 30, 2024 |
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Mar 30, 2024 21:16
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Karate Bastard posted:Harry Potter, but it's the age when the fake rear end gobbledygook they use for spells was actually common vernacular. Neville's parents were tortured to madness by the Skibidi curse |
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Mar 30, 2024 21:53
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A moisturizer that works so well that every time you rub it into your face water just starts pouring down you like a waterfall |
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Mar 30, 2024 21:56
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Ah, shower gel. |
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Mar 30, 2024 22:01
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A culture where the only polite way to wash your face is by splashing water all over the place like in a commercial |
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Mar 30, 2024 22:08
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a bonzibuddy that periodically comes up and reminds you that you'll always be a failure and will never live up to your older brother who died in the war |
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Mar 30, 2024 22:13
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Advertisements for things that people already have or already want at least in principle. Like hot water in your sink. Or the concept of being nice. Or trying to convince the grumpy loner to meet new people: This spring and summer 2024, look into A Friend. Did you know that studies show having at least one friend increases self-reported wellbeing by at least 35%? It can have a real influence in many areas of your life. Watching a movie with a friend is like watching a movie alone but there's another person there to tell you what you missed if you fell asleep. Going to the coffeeshop with a friend is like going to the coffeeshop alone but there's someone to spot you if you forget your wallet. A friend can even drive you to the airport, saving you tens of dollars! You don't even have to leave the house to acquire A Friend. Several interest-based or even just general community forums can lead to friendship. (Warning: Making your friend through the internet may make getting a ride to the airport difficult if you never meet in person, and may result in death if you do.) |
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Mar 31, 2024 13:02
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The scene in Jurrasic Park where the guy scares the fat kid talking about dinosaurs at the begginging but the kid just starts crying and nothing they do can placate him. "It's ok, I made dinosaurs up, they're not real. It's a joke. I'm sorry kid, I'm sorry." edit: The rest of the film is Goodbye Lenin. They have to convince the kid that dinosaurs have not been brought back into existence during a rampage. Prurient Squid fucked around with this message at 13:35 on Mar 31, 2024 |
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Mar 31, 2024 13:16
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A campaign for a new restaurant. The cover photo is of a woman in her 20s wearing a white apron and hat, in that chef's pose with knife and spatula akimbo The tag under the name just reads 'It ain't all that good, and it isn't very cheap, but my boyfriend likes it' |
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Mar 31, 2024 17:41
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a cartoon spider unsure how many appendages he should wear shoes on or white gloves |
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Mar 31, 2024 18:02
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A succubus named Peg |
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Mar 31, 2024 22:57
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 05:55 |
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the ecofascist candidate campaigns on fixing the potholes. after winning the election he makes good on his promises by having all the roads bulldozed up |
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Mar 31, 2024 23:43
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