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On my second date with a girl we get into a car accident where her passenger side door is smashed while we made a left turn. She ended up having to stay in the hospital for a week and then in a rehab hospital for a month with a fractured hip and a broken arm. She had to practice and learn how to walk again. She broke up with me six months later and then 2 years after the accident sued me for $3 million.
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Apr 24, 2017 17:22
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MarquisDeSade posted:On my second date with a girl we get into a car accident where her passenger side door is smashed while we made a left turn. She ended up having to stay in the hospital for a week and then in a rehab hospital for a month with a fractured hip and a broken arm. She had to practice and learn how to walk again. Haha!
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Apr 24, 2017 17:26
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Pick posted:jfc what grit was that vagina 001, basically. jokes aside, she just gave a criminally bad handjob while we were making out. I didn't notice it while the adrenaline was coursing through my body, but by the time I got home I felt a sharp pain in my crotch, checked, and it had been rubbed raw. There were bright red patches where the skin had been destroyed. lol. it hurt for about 2 weeks
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Apr 24, 2017 18:02
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unpleasantly turgid posted:001, basically. good username posting combos friend
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Apr 24, 2017 18:05
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MarquisDeSade posted:On my second date with a girl we get into a car accident where her passenger side door is smashed while we made a left turn. She ended up having to stay in the hospital for a week and then in a rehab hospital for a month with a fractured hip and a broken arm. She had to practice and learn how to walk again. Did she win?
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Apr 24, 2017 18:49
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new phone who dis posted:Internet dating is a minefield. Oh jeez you reminded me of two more, one of which I proved I am pure evil. Back in. . .probably 1996? I was in college, living alone. A year or more has passed since a girl I dated for 2 years and planned to marry and I broke up and I was still retarded for her to a large extent. I spent a lot of time on garbage chat rooms in the library trolling people. The main rooms I was in was called Alamak, if anyone knows it. At some point a girl thought I was pretty funny and her and I began speaking to each other exclusively. Talking in chat turned into writing letters by mail, and talking on the phone. I was living in the center of the US and she lived in Boston so phone calls were astronomical. Her and I bonded really quickly and she was absolutely gorgeous. Eventually she surprised me by telling me she booked a flight to the closest airport to me one weekend. I picked her up and drove 2 hours back to where I lived. She was 10 years older than me but didn't look it at all. Never married, no kids, hot as balls. I was in a frat back then and thought it would be great to take her to one of our parties out in a field somewhere (classy!) We didn't stay there long, and I stopped to get some beers to just take back to my place. After that though, I get pulled over for running a red light. I'm clearly impressing the poo poo out of this girl. We spend the next day kicking it, listening to music and walking around town. The day goes much better. . .until my ex calls me up. I lived in a very small studio apartment and no phone conversation is private. My ex knew about this other girl and acted supportive of it, but she calls me up and talks about how she wants me back and loves me etc. So being the complete failure of life that I am, I tell her that I love her too. The rest of the night is spent talking about that call and me trying to decide who I want to be with. On the way back to the airport I act like I'm all for trying a long distance thing with this girl, but right before she gets on the plane I tell her I want to try again with my ex. She gets on the plane in tears. My ex comes down the next weekend and explains that she didn't really want to get back together, but she didn't want me to be with anyone else either. Serves me right. The second internet encounter was just a trainwreck. Ran across a couple of girls from the next state over in another chat room and they promised they were hot. There were two of them so I told a buddy of mine about it and we would have a 'double date'. We were sitting around my apartment with some beers when the girls knocked on the door. With our hopes high I said to come in. What came in were two planetoids. My friend and I each guzzled down the rest of our beer. We decided to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible and go to a bar where we disappeared into the crowd of people and left the two out of towners to their own devices. After a short while we ducked out of the bar and went to another one down the street, not really realizing these clowns knew where my apartment was and they would be back at some point in the night. After we get back from the bars the hogs were waiting for us. They didn't seem to mind being completely deserted and they came up into the apartment with us. I don't know what happened with the one my friend was with, but she was the better of the two. The one that latched on to me kept trying to take my pants off putting her boobs all over me. I pretended to pass out drunk and slept on the floor. The next day my friend and I get ready to go disc golf and these girls go "Ok so what are we doing today?" I say, "WE (gesturing to my friend and myself) are going to play disc golf, I don't know what YOU are doing! They finally got the hint and left and my friend and I agreed to never speak of it again.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:23
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PureEvil6_13 posted:On the way back to the airport I act like I'm all for trying a long distance thing with this girl, but right before she gets on the plane I tell her I want to try again with my ex. She gets on the plane in tears. 
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Apr 24, 2017 19:28
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Malcolm Excellent posted:Did she win? It took over 2 years, but we finally settled out of court. The lawyer never told me exactly how much she got, probably because she was paid by the insurance company, but I know it was less than $1 million since that was all the liability insurance I had and I'd have to pay anything above that out of pocket. In Canada, lawsuit winnings tend to be for a lot less than the US. Thank goodness.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:32
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PureEvil6_13 posted:Ran across a couple of girls from the next state over in another chat room and they promised they were hot. Funniest sentence I've read on GBS in six years.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:34
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MarquisDeSade posted:It took over 2 years, but we finally settled out of court. The lawyer never told me exactly how much she got, probably because she was paid by the insurance company, but I know it was less than $1 million since that was all the liability insurance I had and I'd have to pay anything above that out of pocket. still enough to raise a family while not working a day in your life. law's cool.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:35
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PureEvil6_13 posted:Oh jeez you reminded me of two more, one of which I proved I am pure evil. I didn't even think to use chat room meetups because all of those were poo poo shows I wouldn't even call dates.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:37
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Pick posted:I once met a guy from off OKC. He showed up late, was obviously sclubbier than his picture, and his hair had a greasy sheen. Anyway, we end up talking for about three hours, but after about 20 minutes it's just because I am fascinated by just how badly a date can go. He tells me about his many failures, how everything disappoints him, how he doesn't like his job and wants to quit and just read comics all day. He then moves on to all the things he is good at, and tells me his highschool teacher told him he was "good at commas". He doesn't drop any indications that he's actually accomplished in any way, there were no awards or anything of that sort. The conversation then moves to him telling me about all of his exes and wanting reassurance that I am not like them, with specifics. He awkwardly tries to figure out if I have any money. At the end, he tells me his idea for a novel, which is the exact premise of Early Edition but with google, and instead of CBS heartthrob Kyle Chandler using his knowledge of tomorrow's paper to save bingo ladies from anacondas, it is about an rear end in a top hat with eerie similarities to my date using this power to enrich himself and get a supermodel girlfriend... but is he fulfilled?! He hasn't come up with the second half of the book, and when asked what the theme is he says "superiority". I tell him I had a "nice time" and that I have to go. He says, "that's it?" and stands there fuming like the Arthur clenched fist meme as I go. I get into my car and burst into laughter, because in the span of three hours, he never asked my name. this is the best post I've read in months
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Apr 24, 2017 19:49
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I once went on a date with a girl who majored in playwriting and proceeded to show me her senior project, which was a play she'd written about Harry Potter characters that included some weird sexual content. Her profile picture on OkCupid was deceiving, as she ended up looking like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys in person. To make matters worse, her mom showed up halfway through the date "unexpectedly" and spent the rest of the time trying to convince me to date her daughter and prying me with questions about my income and career plans. Needless to say I ghosted her super hard.
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Apr 24, 2017 19:53
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what is with people involving moms on dates ffs. I mentioned it in another thread but i have read it and experienced it enough now to where I must ask.. is there a significant percentage of people who think it is ok to bring or involve mom in a first date???
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Apr 24, 2017 19:58
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sneakyfrog posted:what is with people involving moms on dates ffs. I mentioned it in another thread but i have read it and experienced it enough now to where I must ask.. is there a significant percentage of people who think it is ok to bring or involve mom in a first date??? I went home with a girl from a bar once and we started going at it in her room. There was an ominous open door directly across the hall and I asked her if she had a roommate and if they were home. She says "Yeah, that's my mom's room, she's asleep though" I had to fake an O in order to leave.
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Apr 24, 2017 20:08
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You don't have to choke out your date if the restaurant is underwater!
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Apr 24, 2017 21:11
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how did this gem slide past everyone?Robot Randy posted:one time this weird rear end chick asked me to go camping with her. i already had a bit of a relationship with her where she would just give me random poo poo she picked up from garage sales or donation bins. idk some of it was alright but most of it was just borderline garbage and in a few cases, viscera. anyways the day went mostly fine since we had to set up the camp site and we were mostly occupied with our own tasks. later in the night we were sitting around the fire, just making small talk, and that was alright enough. rain started to fall and we retired to our tent. i guess at some point she had slipped something in her drink without me noticing, but as soon as i was settled in and drifting off to sleep the chick just starts MASHING on my groin area. honestly, if i could feel anything down there i bet i wouldve been paralyzed from the pain of the impromptu CBT sesh. fight or flight response kicked in and i somehow got out of the tent along with my sleeping bag, but because of my dead gay legs i had to crawl 45ft to my truck, through a torrent of rain and runoff from the campsites in the area. i couldnt get up to open my door so i ended up sleeping under my truck in wet, muddy clothes in a slightly less dirty and wet sleeping bag, hoping the increasing flow of water would carry me to the sweet release of death. thank you for this
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Apr 24, 2017 21:46
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I was confused if his legs got poisoned or he was disabled in the first place Lieutenant Dan
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Apr 24, 2017 22:07
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The Protagonist posted:how did this gem slide past everyone? Is it a culture reference or actual next level hosed up dating anecdote because lol
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Apr 24, 2017 22:10
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new phone who dis posted:As we're given menus she grabs one, points to a big section on it that says "Beef Bulgogi" and says, "See? Beef Bagobi!" I am now officially annoyed. sneakyfrog posted:what is with people involving moms on dates ffs. I mentioned it in another thread but i have read it and experienced it enough now to where I must ask.. is there a significant percentage of people who think it is ok to bring or involve mom in a first date???  Best awkward part of that date was me being presented, for the first time in my life, with a steak, and trying to cut it with a butter knife. The perils of being raised in a nearly-vegetarian household. Her mom was very understanding about the mentally handicapped boy her daughter brought across state lines though.
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Apr 24, 2017 22:16
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i find that i can not ejaculate out my dick for any girl who abbreviates words ending in "ing" with an apostrophe. like "things i love: truckin', hangin', huntin'', drinkin'" NOPE!
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Apr 24, 2017 22:21
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you shouldnt meet mom on a first date 
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Apr 24, 2017 22:39
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Putty posted:I was confused if his legs got poisoned or he was disabled in the first place I got the impression the TL;DR version of the story was "Went camping with a sorta date. She roofied me, and tried to rape me. I made a daring hollywood escape, crawling under my truck"
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Apr 24, 2017 23:19
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Choco1980 posted:I got the impression the TL;DR version of the story was "Went camping with a sorta date. She roofied me, and tried to rape me. I made a daring hollywood escape, crawling under my truck" she roofied herself, though? it reads like this lady drugged herself then tried to beat off a paraplegic person, who was then berated for not appreciating free trash. a solid story - 8/10
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Apr 24, 2017 23:30
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I got invited "camping" by some guy I'd met 10 minutes earlier on a bike trail and had been trying to ditch from minute 2 of our conversation forward. I probably should have gone so I could wake everyone else at the campsite up screaming about false advertising when he tried to buttsex me. At least that's what I assume he meant. I'm not gay but if I were I'd still have probably been creeped out by his sales pitch.
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Apr 24, 2017 23:32
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unpacked robinhood posted:Is it a culture reference or actual next level hosed up dating anecdote because lol The camping post is a reference to this post Pick posted:i offered him sex when we were camping. he never acknowledged what i'd said, but instead of get into the tent, in the dead of winter, he crawled under his truck and went to sleep
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Apr 24, 2017 23:36
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ok lol
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Apr 24, 2017 23:38
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pick your fan club is weird stop it.
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Apr 24, 2017 23:41
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I've been on a lot of weird dates; from a girl locking me in her house, to spooky witchy graveyard sex. My most awful first date would have to be about 4 years ago. This was back when I worked as a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar. The kind where every drink had 6 ingredients and every syrup or shrub was made in house. There was this one gorgeous woman that would come sit at my bar whenever I worked, lets call her Mary. Mary would always smile when she saw me, laugh at all my jokes and be disappointed if I was away for any reason. One night Mary suggested we go for drinks. I joked about it being a date and she was delighted. Back then I had a go-to date spot. It was an upscale restaurant where my good bud was head chef. Naturally we got quite the hookup, my scallops and her seafood risotto were both comped. All I had to pay for were the drinks. Afterwards Mary and I walked through a park holding hands, watched the sunset; it was quite magical. Later on when I drove Mary home she insisted I walked her inside. Mary showed me her liquor collection and I made us a few cocktails. We bonded over every little thing, from music to movies to booze. After some point we started making out and not before long Mary dragged me to her bedroom for some amazing sloppy sex. Now at around 3 am I bolt straight up with my stomach rumbling dramatically. I don't make it out of bed before my bowels decide to violently purge. I rolled off still half drunk while I cupped my butt attempting to block the flow. It was like trying to stop a fire hose with a tennis racket. My foot still asleep and the room spinning I stumble towards the bathroom in the dark. Inadvertently I smeared poo poo all over the wall fumbling towards the door. I finally made it and I was in complete shock, my mind racing. I stood there staring at my reflection in the moonlight, ten minutes pass in total disbelief. It had to be a nightmare, I was expecting Mary at any moment to wake up screaming in horror. Nothing happened and I got an idea. I rinsed off, gathered my belongings and snuck downstairs. I found a pen and paper and left a note. It read, "YOU poo poo YOURSELF, I LEFT."
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Apr 25, 2017 00:25
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About 10 years ago or so I somehow friended a girl on MySpace and we made plans to meet up. So I drive like 25 miles out to some little town where she lives and pick her up at her house. But when I get there she is also going to take her 2 month old baby on the date because she couldn't find a babysitter. I did not know she had a baby. So we go to a bowling alley and the date continues but she keeps looking around kind of nervously. When I ask what she keeps looking for, she says that the father of the child just got out of jail and she doesn't know how he would react if he saw the baby or that she was on a date. And since it's a small town there's a good chance he could show up or someone who knows him could see us and then tell him. Also the alley has a snack bar which is where her mom works and apparently they don't get along because she goes to get some food (leaving me alone with the baby so we stare at each other) and they end up in a shouting match I can hear from across the alley. When she comes back she just wants to go so we load up the baby and his stuff and she wants to go to sonic. So we are there and some innocent question like "you want tater tots?" sets her off and she spends like ten minutes ranting about her baby daddy and her mom and high school and just this flood of information that should not be shared on a first date. Finally, FINALLY, the date is ending and I am at her house and she says she had a really good time and she likes my eyes. Then she puts her hand on my leg and says she doesn't want the date to end and we could have even more fun and she has some ideas on what we could do. Reminder that a 2 month old baby is in the backseat. I made some excuse and got out of there.
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Apr 25, 2017 01:09
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Kaewan posted:I've been on a lot of weird dates; from a girl locking me in her house, to spooky witchy graveyard sex. My most awful first date would have to be about 4 years ago. This was back when I worked as a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar. The kind where every drink had 6 ingredients and every syrup or shrub was made in house. Incredible
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Apr 25, 2017 01:17
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Kaewan posted:I've been on a lot of weird dates; from a girl locking me in her house, to spooky witchy graveyard sex. My most awful first date would have to be about 4 years ago. This was back when I worked as a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar. The kind where every drink had 6 ingredients and every syrup or shrub was made in house. how did you get locked in a house
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Apr 25, 2017 02:12
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Remembered another one when I was working at a parks and rec department. We were putting on a dance for special needs people around Halloween so everyone came dressed up. . .well, not me because gently caress that, I was bar tending later on that night. One of the college volunteer girls dressed as Raggedy Ann caught my eye and I started talking to her and eventually asked her out right before I was getting ready to leave. She accepted and I got her number etc etc. I don't know where we went or what we did for our date but I ended up at her apartment making out on her bed, reveling in her fantastic breasts. I ease my hand down her pants to find the hairiest mess of jungle thatch I've ever encountered. I had a terrible time trying to work my way through that poo poo and ended up just giving up. I ended up sleeping there that night but we didn't have sex. When I got ready to leave she said she didn't think it would work out between us because I didn't share her passion and dedication to the mentally ill. I couldn't argue that.
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Apr 25, 2017 02:11
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PureEvil6_13 posted:Remembered another one when I was working at a parks and rec department. We were putting on a dance for special needs people around Halloween so everyone came dressed up. . .well, not me because gently caress that, I was bar tending later on that night. One of the college volunteer girls dressed as Raggedy Ann caught my eye and I started talking to her and eventually asked her out right before I was getting ready to leave. She accepted and I got her number etc etc. drat, she burned herself hard
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Apr 25, 2017 02:19
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Putty posted:how did you get locked in a house This girl I went out on a fairly mediocre date with asked me to walk her home from a bar after closing. Her house wasn't too far, maybe 5 blocks. On the way she casually mentioned getting brutally raped in by her friend who helped her move in. I was really taken aback and at a loss for words. I guess she took it as a sign to go into morbid detail. We get to her house and she asks me to walk her in since that whole ordeal had her shook still. I tell her how sorry I am that something so terrible happened to her. She shows me where in the living room this creep held her down. We chatted for a little bit more on the subject. I told her we can talk more in the future, but now it's getting late. I turned to leave and tried the door. She had locked the deadbolt and taken the key. After asking her to let me out she said it would probably be best if I spent the night and tried to kiss me. I was like yo, I am 100% not in the mood. She started sobbing and telling me how no one loved her. I consoled her until she stopped crying and told her again I have to leave. She insisted I stay, begged and even blackmailed me saying she didn't know what she would do if I left. I told her this is all too much and I need to smoke a cig. She said not inside the house but we could out back. As soon as I stepped outside I gunned it, hopped the fence and ducked down the alley while she came screaming after me.
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Apr 25, 2017 03:05
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Holy poo poo
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Apr 25, 2017 03:11
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This was way back when I was a teenager but internet dating was just becoming a thing and I went out to the movies with this guy, who seemed a little out of it but was OK looking and whatever. He tried to give me a handjob during the movie but I stopped that. We went out to a park afterward and swang on the swings, and eventually came back to my place. Sex was pretty much going to happen so we start making out and getting undressed, it turned out he had extensive burn scars all over the bottom half of his body. Turns out he had severe mental problems and had doused his legs in gasoline and lit them on fire because "the top half is the angel and the bottom is the devil." Which was better than the fry cook who had a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his chest and came from being fingered up the rear end, then proceeded to do the infamous "angry dragon" move when I came in his mouth, he choked, and it came out his nose. He at least just left afterwards.
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Apr 25, 2017 03:13
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angerbeet posted:This was way back when I was a teenager but internet dating was just becoming a thing and I went out to the movies with this guy, who seemed a little out of it but was OK looking and whatever. He tried to give me a handjob during the movie but I stopped that. We went out to a park afterward and swang on the swings, and eventually came back to my place. Sex was pretty much going to happen so we start making out and getting undressed, it turned out he had extensive burn scars all over the bottom half of his body. Turns out he had severe mental problems and had doused his legs in gasoline and lit them on fire because "the top half is the angel and the bottom is the devil." That is a LOT of information in such a short post!
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Apr 25, 2017 03:22
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its a lotta words to say 'im gay'
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Apr 25, 2017 03:24
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Putty posted:how did you get locked in a house Joe Walsh posted:It's hard to leave when you can't find the door.
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Apr 25, 2017 06:33
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