Your Awful Dates

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Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

all my dates get mad at me for not wearing pants, like man

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 02:49

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 16:38

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

you want dabs i got the dabs donut man dont u worry

https://puu.sh/udLFS/ca1f89680c.mp4

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 02:58

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

This girl I went out for coffee with didn't like my talk about parallel universes in Super Mario 64. The nerve.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 17:15

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

You don't have to choke out your date if the restaurant is underwater!

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 21:11

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

I was confused if his legs got poisoned or he was disabled in the first place

Lieutenant Dan

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 22:07

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

ok lol

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 23:38

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Kaewan posted:

I've been on a lot of weird dates; from a girl locking me in her house, to spooky witchy graveyard sex. My most awful first date would have to be about 4 years ago. This was back when I worked as a bartender at a fancy cocktail bar. The kind where every drink had 6 ingredients and every syrup or shrub was made in house.

There was this one gorgeous woman that would come sit at my bar whenever I worked, lets call her Mary. Mary would always smile when she saw me, laugh at all my jokes and be disappointed if I was away for any reason. One night Mary suggested we go for drinks. I joked about it being a date and she was delighted.

Back then I had a go-to date spot. It was an upscale restaurant where my good bud was head chef. Naturally we got quite the hookup, my scallops and her seafood risotto were both comped. All I had to pay for were the drinks. Afterwards Mary and I walked through a park holding hands, watched the sunset; it was quite magical. Later on when I drove Mary home she insisted I walked her inside. Mary showed me her liquor collection and I made us a few cocktails. We bonded over every little thing, from music to movies to booze. After some point we started making out and not before long Mary dragged me to her bedroom for some amazing sloppy sex.

Now at around 3 am I bolt straight up with my stomach rumbling dramatically. I don't make it out of bed before my bowels decide to violently purge. I rolled off still half drunk while I cupped my butt attempting to block the flow. It was like trying to stop a fire hose with a tennis racket. My foot still asleep and the room spinning I stumble towards the bathroom in the dark. Inadvertently I smeared poo poo all over the wall fumbling towards the door. I finally made it and I was in complete shock, my mind racing. I stood there staring at my reflection in the moonlight, ten minutes pass in total disbelief. It had to be a nightmare, I was expecting Mary at any moment to wake up screaming in horror. Nothing happened and I got an idea.

I rinsed off, gathered my belongings and snuck downstairs. I found a pen and paper and left a note. It read, "YOU poo poo YOURSELF, I LEFT."

how did you get locked in a house

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 02:12

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Kaewan posted:

This girl I went out on a fairly mediocre date with asked me to walk her home from a bar after closing. Her house wasn't too far, maybe 5 blocks. On the way she casually mentioned getting brutally raped in by her friend who helped her move in. I was really taken aback and at a loss for words. I guess she took it as a sign to go into morbid detail. We get to her house and she asks me to walk her in since that whole ordeal had her shook still. I tell her how sorry I am that something so terrible happened to her. She shows me where in the living room this creep held her down. We chatted for a little bit more on the subject. I told her we can talk more in the future, but now it's getting late.

I turned to leave and tried the door. She had locked the deadbolt and taken the key. After asking her to let me out she said it would probably be best if I spent the night and tried to kiss me. I was like yo, I am 100% not in the mood. She started sobbing and telling me how no one loved her. I consoled her until she stopped crying and told her again I have to leave. She insisted I stay, begged and even blackmailed me saying she didn't know what she would do if I left. I told her this is all too much and I need to smoke a cig. She said not inside the house but we could out back. As soon as I stepped outside I gunned it, hopped the fence and ducked down the alley while she came screaming after me.

The first story aboout the poop sounded bullshit enough that I knew I could get some more creative writing exercises out of you.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 21:00

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

DeathSandwich posted:

One of the first dates I ever went on in high school was with a gal who after we got back from dinner and a movie and went to make out for a little bit discovered I was ticklish along my ribs. She would not stop tickling me even when it stopped being fun and started hurting. She tickled me so much she actually made me vomit. After I went to the bathroom and cleaned up, she wanted to do it again.

I have sent deadly tickle assassins to your house

get ready

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 22:14

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Had a pretty swell date go sour quickly. It's hard to get to know someone well when Jon Pop is under the table taking notes.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2017 16:54

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Bowling is extremely dangerous and I recommend nobody ever bowl, lest face the same fate.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 15:29

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Time travel to the past and either tell your past self about the cuck meme or keep creating instances of yourself until the bowling alley explodes.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 15:44

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

lorn Wayne posted:

good news, you WERE the second guy!

you just slipped into a hallucinatory state for a brief moment there, welcome back.

First rule of date club is you don't talk about date club

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 16:09

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

When I saw the word "guffaw" my dick shriveled up and disintegrated like a spent cigarette. I should probably call an ambulance now idk?

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 17:02

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Sounds like something mean girls would do in High School. Since he said it happened 10 years ago it's most likely that.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 17:14

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

I think everyone should just keep in mind that the past is the past, who cares about then if you have what you have now? (herpes)

# ¿ Apr 29, 2017 18:56

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

I had a few minor dumb things in High School as a really shy kid:

- I had a weird Photoshop class where this girl in it was always interested in what I was doing. She'd always try to talk to me and get to know me better and I'd avoid the subject or clam up. We'd sit at lunch together at the friends table and even then I'd be too shy to talk about anything. Her name was Krystal though so I probably dodged a bullet.

- There was this very cute girl in Math class that would stare at me while I wasn't looking. I'd know this cause I was right next to the window and would see her staring in the reflection. Never did anything cause no self-confidence, etc.

- Got asked to the prom and I said no cause I thought it'd be boring.

- Senior year I became a lot more open but this came with me having a dry, rear end in a top hat sense of humor that I'd use in conversation. This somehow got me more popular instead of beat up. I offended some girl once while being an rear end in a top hat and she said something along the lines of "Wow Putty I really liked you but now I'm upset" and I don't remember the rest cause Christ what an rear end in a top hat.

Also lunch once with a co-worker from a freshman college job where she legit wanted to get to know me. During part of our conversation I showed her that video where Sony takes a poo poo on Xbox's game sharing policy, god knows why.

Nowadays I know if someone wants to talk to you just drop a copy of Hotel Mario and run.

Putty fucked around with this message at 02:58 on Apr 30, 2017

# ¿ Apr 30, 2017 02:47

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Turdsdown Tom posted:

I met up with a girl and we just walked around her city for a while and it was kind of nice. Bought a disposable camera and just shot a bunch of random poo poo, had fun. So we go back to her place and we ended up watching some stupid movie, I dunno, I think it might have been the first live-action Scooby Doo? Where they go to the island and fight Scrappy Doo at the end or some poo poo? Anyway, we ended up cuddling in her bed until the movie was over and then just kind of sitting there for a while. I had work the next morning so around 11pm, I say to her "Hey, this was fun, but I've got to go because I have work in the morning."

She doesn't reply, just nods her head slightly and nuzzles into my armpit or wherever the gently caress she had her head. She has her arms wrapped around me, so I try to disengage and she straight up just doesn't let go. I'm trying my best not to be abrupt or aggressive because it had been a good day and I wanted to see her again sometime. So again, I say "look, I know this is comfy and everything, and it's been a good time, but I really have to go."

This time, she spins further towards me and then wraps her legs around my waist, while also locking her arms together around my shoulders. The entire time, she does not say a word. On one hand, there's a small part of my brain that is flattered. It's not often that a girl goes out of her way to express interest in me, and especially not on a first date. The other, much larger and prescient part of my brain, is screaming "GET THE gently caress OUTTA THERE MAN DEFCON LEVEL CLINGY." I'm a huge pussy so I tried to be gentle about it again and she still wouldn't say anything. This girl had just bearhugged me and wouldn't let go for anything. So I try prying her arms apart and she refuses to budge. Now I could have definitely used some force and gotten free, but I didn't want to hurt her nor did I want to give any sort of leverage to a "he assaulted me" kind of thing. A girl crazy enough to loving lock herself onto your body is definitely crazy enough to lie to the police because you didn't do what she wanted.

What I finally had to do in order to get her to let go of me was to forcefully hold her head at eye level with mine and say very angrily "I need to leave. I am not enjoying this anymore. This is not fun." Her eyes opened kinda wide, gave me a look, and then she sort of shrugged and released me. Then as I was getting my coat and shoes on, she reached into my coat pocket and took my car keys.

It took 2 pretty big police officers to restrain her and make her give back my car keys. I ended up not even going to sleep, just got a coffee and sat down at home.

There's obviously a lot more to this story, but it's mostly just little details. It was a pretty wild time. I actually hosed her a couple weeks later inside a physics lab at the university she went to afterhours, then I transferred schools and she went to France and I never saw her again.

I think that Scooby Doo movie is some sort of cult indoctrination, you got off easy.

# ¿ May 1, 2017 05:08

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Should have called him C

# ¿ May 1, 2017 17:08

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

what the hell is livejournal, grandpa

# ¿ May 2, 2017 22:42

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Met a girl on Tinder and we had pretty good chemistry but when she showed up for a date she was just John Cena in a wig.

# ¿ May 3, 2017 05:11

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Piss de Bundy posted:

i could find 15 girls right now who would wanna do that. the gently caress. who doesnt like drugs and muzak

Vaporwave

# ¿ May 8, 2017 20:17

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Pick posted:

men are peepee doodoo

Dont sign your posts

# ¿ May 8, 2017 23:07

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Chomp8645 posted:

Pick dialogue indistinguishable from "pickle pee, pump-a-rum" a gimmick character who is literally a shrill bird.

Solaire left his armor in the pickle pee nest after a very bad date with crows

# ¿ May 8, 2017 23:43

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Machai posted:

Ah, hello! You don't look Male, far from it!
I am Solaire of Amazonia, an adherent of the Lady of Sunlight.
Now that I am peepee doodoo, I have come to this great land, the birthplace of Lady Pick, to seek my very own fur suit!
… Do you find that strange? Well, you should!
No need to hide your reaction. I get that look all the time!
Hah hah hah!

# ¿ May 9, 2017 00:47

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Original_Z posted:

In uni there was some foreign exchange student from Korea who was super into videogames and was actually pretty good at fighting games, I was friends with her and we used to hang out and go to arcades and play lots of console games, I never tried to make a move on her or anything like that so I got to witness a lot of interesting interactions with guys. She just seemed super naive about guys though, like the men she met would always be helping her out and letting her borrow stuff and she just seemed to think that American guys were really nice and would take their favors without any kind of reciprocating, I was actually really worried that someone would be too aggressive with her, although I guess since she mainly hung around nerds they never tried to do that.

Anyway the arcade that we played at had a local forum and I noticed once that there was a thread talking about her, guys would say how she was their dream girl and wondered if she liked anime or a bunch of other nerd poo poo. It was kind of creepy but nothing disgusting. I showed the thread to her and she was really shocked about it and I guess felt betrayed or something because she never wanted to go to that arcade again afterwards.

I actually visited her in Korea once and she showed me around the arcade scene, there were a fair number of female players there holding their own at fighting games so I guess maybe it isn't as big a deal there to see girls at the arcade.

nerf this

# ¿ May 9, 2017 15:09

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

They prob mean full names. I know on OKC you use a unique username like luigimaster69 or whatever and hide your real name that way.

# ¿ May 14, 2017 01:35

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Jim Barris posted:

This has probably happened to everyone but I met up with this girl for sushi and she spent the entire time talking about her ex even after I said increasingly obvious things to voice my annoyance with that. Ultimately I said I'd forgotten my wallet in my car, which she really should of been more skeptical of, and I left her with the bill which I felt was only fair.

I would think you'd need a worse reason to walk out on a check

# ¿ May 22, 2017 21:24