ITT we are Sheriff David Clarke

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > ITT we are Sheriff David Clarke

Egbert Souse: Nov 6, 2008

It's right before dusk. I don't use an alarm clock. Right away, I put on my uniform and I'm ready to start the day. My breakfast is a bowl of raw oatmeal and a cup of coffee, black as a moonless night.

As I drive down the street to headquarters, I look out the window at the countless criminals walking the street.

There's a teenager with dark-looking eyes and what seems like a Middle Eastern appearance. He's walking a dog. He probably has drugs in his pockets. I think for a minute about how much better off would be with his bloodied corpse lying on the ground, the dog whimpering. I think about the full round of bullets piercing his spinal column, blood splurting out of his arteries. As he makes his final gasps, choking on the red stuff, I find that his pockets are empty except for one of those "smart" phones and keys. Of course, what need does a teenager have with a cellular phone in the first place, other to gain drugs. I refrain from calling emergency services too early and calmly place my hand over the wretch's mouth and nose. The dog looks threatening, so I use the last round in my gun to finish the job.

After filing my report and being inconvenienced by the would-be terrorist, I hear some noises from the trunk of my cruiser. It's barely audible under the volume of the Hanson compact disc I'm playing.

I find a tunnel to park within and slowly get out. The noise continues. What could this din possibly be?

Using my key, I open the trunk slowly. Not that I should be surprised, but in my absent-mindedness of a fortnight before, I forgot that a young Mexican woman was in there. While in line at the Burger King, I could have swore she gave me a strange look. The kind of look that tells me that she's not only an illegal, but a drug smuggler. Of course, I repeat myself. Her piercing eyes look into mine. I hesitate to remove the gag around her mouth. She attempts to continue to loosen the duct tape around her extremities. I take out my nightstick and proceed to do what I should have done before.

Again inconvenienced, I take the two bodies out of my cruiser and dump into a nearby pond. But not before slipping a few bags of drugs in their pockets.

What's that I hear? I believe that's a witness, but I can't allow such obstruction of justice. I cock my gun, already loaded with fresh bullets.

There's only one thing that matters and I tell myself this everyday:

Everyone is guilty. I'm God's angel of death.

# ? May 18, 2017 04:18

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 00:56

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

This is gbs sir. Creative Convention is near the bottom of forum directory.

# ? May 18, 2017 04:21

Iron Prince: Aug 28, 2005; Buglord

*spends four hours browsing feet pics on twitter*

# ? May 18, 2017 04:23

Egbert Souse: Nov 6, 2008

Snatch Duster posted:

This is gbs sir. Creative Convention is near the bottom of forum directory.

Are you threatening a police officer?

HANDS DOWN AND STOP RESISTING

# ? May 18, 2017 04:26

Roargasm: Oct 21, 2010; Hate to sound sleazy
But tease me
I don't want it if it's that easy

this thread will die before page 2

# ? May 18, 2017 04:30

scuba school sucks: Aug 30, 2012; The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark

*gets appointed to be the Director of Homeland Security*

# ? May 18, 2017 04:32

Egbert Souse: Nov 6, 2008

Roargasm posted:

this thread will die before page 2

ARE YOU THREATENING AN AGENT OF THE LAW

# ? May 18, 2017 04:43

GolfHole: Feb 26, 2004

i got a goatee even though its 2017, look at me im crazy!

# ? May 18, 2017 05:51

C. Everett Koop: Aug 18, 2008

:marks ethnicity as white:

# ? May 18, 2017 06:22

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

*yells at don lemon till he cries*

*adjusts cowboy hat and walks away*

# ? May 18, 2017 06:24

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77sPKCc4SS0

# ? May 18, 2017 06:26

Alan Smithee: Jan 4, 2005; A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms, enthusiasms...

*showin out for the white cop*

# ? May 18, 2017 07:09

R-Type: Oct 10, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

*is the powerful example of the hypocritical nature of liberal-progressive bullshit*

# ? May 18, 2017 07:16

StupidSexyVaultGuy: Jul 26, 2003

*pins more random poo poo onto dress uniform; looks even more like a North Korean general*

# ? May 18, 2017 07:19

Avirosb: Nov 21, 2016; Everyone makes pisstakes

Roargasm posted:

this thread will die before page 2

Why, was it born in prison?

# ? May 18, 2017 07:24

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

If trolling is a art, rtype has been on deviant art for a decade and still can't draw

# ? May 18, 2017 07:28

gamey: May 17, 2009

Snatch Duster posted:

This is gbs sir. Creative Convention is near the bottom of forum directory.

This is gbs sir. Creative Convention is near the bottom of forum directory.

# ? May 18, 2017 07:38

gamey: May 17, 2009

R-Type posted:

*is the powerful example of the hypocritical nature of liberal-progressive bullshit*

r0type is a good game, shut up

# ? May 18, 2017 07:39

SHISHKABOB: Nov 30, 2012; Fun Shoe

Egbert Souse posted:

It's right before dusk. I don't use an alarm clock. Right away, I put on my uniform and I'm ready to start the day. My breakfast is a bowl of raw oatmeal and a cup of coffee, black as a moonless night.

As I drive down the street to headquarters, I look out the window at the countless criminals walking the street.

There's a teenager with dark-looking eyes and what seems like a Middle Eastern appearance. He's walking a dog. He probably has drugs in his pockets. I think for a minute about how much better off would be with his bloodied corpse lying on the ground, the dog whimpering. I think about the full round of bullets piercing his spinal column, blood splurting out of his arteries. As he makes his final gasps, choking on the red stuff, I find that his pockets are empty except for one of those "smart" phones and keys. Of course, what need does a teenager have with a cellular phone in the first place, other to gain drugs. I refrain from calling emergency services too early and calmly place my hand over the wretch's mouth and nose. The dog looks threatening, so I use the last round in my gun to finish the job.

After filing my report and being inconvenienced by the would-be terrorist, I hear some noises from the trunk of my cruiser. It's barely audible under the volume of the Hanson compact disc I'm playing.

I find a tunnel to park within and slowly get out. The noise continues. What could this din possibly be?

Using my key, I open the trunk slowly. Not that I should be surprised, but in my absent-mindedness of a fortnight before, I forgot that a young Mexican woman was in there. While in line at the Burger King, I could have swore she gave me a strange look. The kind of look that tells me that she's not only an illegal, but a drug smuggler. Of course, I repeat myself. Her piercing eyes look into mine. I hesitate to remove the gag around her mouth. She attempts to continue to loosen the duct tape around her extremities. I take out my nightstick and proceed to do what I should have done before.

Again inconvenienced, I take the two bodies out of my cruiser and dump into a nearby pond. But not before slipping a few bags of drugs in their pockets.

What's that I hear? I believe that's a witness, but I can't allow such obstruction of justice. I cock my gun, already loaded with fresh bullets.

There's only one thing that matters and I tell myself this everyday:

Everyone is guilty. I'm God's angel of death.

hey i like your avatar

# ? May 18, 2017 07:41

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

"Who the gently caress am I?"

# ? May 19, 2017 00:46

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

*tips cowboy hat while inmate dies of dehydration*

# ? May 19, 2017 00:53

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

*jacks off*

# ? May 19, 2017 01:09

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Can you imagine? Just sheriff David Clarke in nothing but his cowboy hat cranking his hog to some hot supersize bbw porn? Lol

# ? May 19, 2017 01:10

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

"You have to hand it to the Nazis, they knew how to look good!"

# ? May 19, 2017 01:12

The Insect Court: Nov 22, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

*is black person most likely to be result of real 'Get Out' style brain transfer*

# ? May 19, 2017 01:13

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

"Yeah... That's Dave Clarke. You know, like the Dave Clarke Five? Oh, must be before your time, then."

# ? May 19, 2017 01:16

client: Aug 19, 2010

*is basically just a wildly successful version of this guy*
https://youtu.be/wPHY4G-PN0M?t=43

# ? May 19, 2017 01:51

Oscar Wild: Apr 11, 2006; It's good to be a G

/I

/error

/Inventory

/error

# ? May 19, 2017 02:28

scuba school sucks: Aug 30, 2012; The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark

*watches Dredd double digits number of times without ever once considering if the film is at all satirical or ironic*

Hmm, yes

*strokes chin goonishly*

# ? May 19, 2017 02:40

Egbert Souse: Nov 6, 2008

Suspending habeas corpus is for THE GREATER GOOD

*adds another layer of dirt to crawlspace to cover the latest stack of bodies*

# ? May 19, 2017 02:44

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 00:56

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

If Uncle Ruckus were real he'd be David Clarke

# ? May 19, 2017 02:46

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > ITT we are Sheriff David Clarke