Help! My dick is stuck in the VCR, and no, I will not explain why.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Help! My dick is stuck in the VCR, and no, I will not explain why.

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Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

For reasons I will not be getting into, my dick has become lodged inside of the VCR. I know when I'm beat, so I'm open to outside assistance and suggestions. If you can't help me out without prying into my personal life, please move along as to avoid wasting both of our time.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 05:18

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# ? May 5, 2024 18:21

vanisher

OP-

I've been in your shoes. Stay calm. What tools if any are near you, and is the VCR able to be unplugged?

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Aug 27, 2017 05:34

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

The unit is free hanging. I have access to a ball peen hammer and an eyeglass repair kit. Destruction of the VCR is unacceptable due to the rarity of its contents (which will not be disclosed), as well as the moderate sentimental value of the device its self.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 05:53

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

is your dick VHS or *snort* Beta?

no, wait

"short play"

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# ? Aug 27, 2017 05:53

Kthulhu5000: by R. Guyovich

anyhow, tune your TV to channel 3. press REWIND on your VCR and let it run for 30 seconds. press eject and squirt in some head cleaner fluid (which is isopropyl alcohol with a 10x markup). then press PLAY and count out a full rotation ("one Mississip" to "ten Mississip"). put your TV's volume to 10 and look at the screen. if you see your dick on it, then congratulations! Your RECORD function is functioning functionally!

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 05:57

FutonForensic

magnacox

# ? Aug 27, 2017 06:22

vanisher

Free hanging... that's good. That ball peen hammer might come in handy later.

If you turn on some monster trucks the sheer strength and rigidity of the erection that forms will force you free, but may damage any tape(s) or the machine itself. You can go the other direction and read some poetry. Your manhood should shrivel up enough so that you will just slide right out. Let me know if this fixes your problem

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Aug 27, 2017 06:46

Ride The Gravitron: by FactsAreUseless

Kthulhu5000 posted:

anyhow, tune your TV to channel 3. press REWIND on your VCR and let it run for 30 seconds. press eject and squirt in some head cleaner fluid (which is isopropyl alcohol with a 10x markup). then press PLAY and count out a full rotation ("one Mississip" to "ten Mississip"). put your TV's volume to 10 and look at the screen. if you see your dick on it, then congratulations! Your RECORD function is functioning functionally!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 07:26

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

that's not how you make a sex tape, op

# ? Aug 27, 2017 07:36

drilldo squirt: a beautiful, soft meat sack

How deep is you dick in the vcr? Also how much of it is outside the vcr? Also, tell me about your shaft and balls.

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# ? Aug 27, 2017 08:10

drilldo squirt: a beautiful, soft meat sack

If you tell me your dick dimensions and the vcr model number with a general idea of place and position I think I can talk you through disassembling the vcr to get your dick out.

drilldo squirt fucked around with this message at 08:14 on Aug 27, 2017

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# ? Aug 27, 2017 08:11

little munchkin

it's one of the normal, not embarassing reasons that someone would get their dick stuck in a vcr. i won't tell you which one though

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 08:16

Dads Dip Cup

what *I* want to know is how to set the drat clock on the thing instead of it just sitting there flashing 8=:=D constantly

# ? Aug 27, 2017 10:53

sebmojo: Legit Cyberpunk

be kind: rewind

e: sorry i see that advice has been given best of luck op and godspped

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# ? Aug 27, 2017 13:27

Manifisto

congratulations you are now married to the vcr, i wish you both health and happiness

better give the loose vcr cassette to your old wife, its her husband now

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 14:06

cda: by Hand Knit

little munchkin posted:

it's one of the normal, not embarassing reasons that someone would get their dick stuck in a vcr. i won't tell you which one though

# ? Aug 27, 2017 14:44

cda: by Hand Knit

"How did you get your dick stuck in the VCR" is basically the same question as "why did you get your dick stuck in the VCR," so I shan't be answering it, but for your information, the reason I was using a VCR rather than streaming is that Netflix's selection leaves much to be desired.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 14:46

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Chances are you've gone ahead and gotten your foreskin stuck between a pinch roller and capstan. This is a problem. Pinch rollers and capstans are designed to pinch a VCR tape, not a foreskin. The tape sensor inside the unit is clearly detecting YOUR unit, so we're going to have to resort to drastic, albeit non-destructive measures.

-Ejaculate profusely into the interior of the VCR

It's possible you may activate the dew sensor which forces the VCR to eject the cassette (in this case, your dillz) so you may "get off" lucky, if you will (and we both know you in fact, will)

-Call the toll-free number on the device

More likely than not someone on the other end of the line will have heard of your situation and can get someone to help you out. Of your VCR. If not you will most certainly be making someone's day I can tell you that much!
"Hey, Charlie- I got a call today, some dude got his junk caught in a VCR hahahah!" is what they will say to their coworker even if their name isn't Charlie.

-Scream loudly and with a shrill, piercing tone

It's not going to eject your junk but it will attract a bunch of nosey busy-bodies with nothing better to do than to sit there and tell you how to remove yourself from your plight. Perhaps one of the not-so-innocent anymore bystanders will be a McGuyver pothead and will contrive some means of conveying you from the innards of your antiquated media player presently.

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 15:00

crusty: Crustacean

# ? Aug 27, 2017 16:45

little munchkin

Hey op, professional EMT here, and I just want to say there's no need to be so embarassed about getting your dick stuck in a VCR. We've all been there. Hell, how do you think us professionals got so good at removing them in the first place.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:05

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

piss forcefully

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:08

vanisher

Its very normal and natural to feel a little nostalgia, perhaps even lust, for days gone by

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:19

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

Day 2:

While initially, just the head of my dick was trapped, I awoke to find that this infernal machine has devoured about 3/4 of my shaft. Sleep was difficult, I had to run an extension cord from the den to my bedroom. The wife was... unimpressed. Interesting how she's so quick to forget her own incident with the Pearl Jam cassette.

My member is caught in such a way that the base of my rod is turgid, but the rest is stuck in perpetual half-chub. I attempted some tinkering with the screwdriver from the eyeglass repair kit, but as it seemed I was making progress, I foolishly dropped the screwdriver inside the VCR.

Will update more when I get home from work.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:23

cda: by Hand Knit

It's only natural to wonder about how my penis became lodged in this VCR player, but you need to restrain yourself. If civilization means anything, it means that we suppress our animal impulses for knowing why people's dicks are in various places and instead uphold a sense of decorum which is the underpinning of civil society. Try hitting "fast forward" on the remote and see if that does anything.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:27

Manifisto

cda posted:

It's only natural to wonder about how my penis became lodged in this VCR player, but you need to restrain yourself. If civilization means anything, it means that we suppress our animal impulses for knowing why people's dicks are in various places and instead uphold a sense of decorum which is the underpinning of civil society. Try hitting "fast forward" on the remote and see if that does anything.

victorian society had quite a strict code against asking why people's members got stuck in vcrs. in fact it was generally frowned upon to even mention the topic in the presence of someone suffering from such a predicament; one was expected to act as though nothing had happened.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Aug 27, 2017 18:57

cda: by Hand Knit

Got no time for haters 👏 people who expect me to do emotional labor for free 👏 and people who ask me why my dick is stuck in the VCR 👏

# ? Aug 27, 2017 19:47

Piso Mojado

drilldo squirt posted:

How deep is you dick in the vcr? Also how much of it is outside the vcr? Also, tell me about your shaft and balls.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 20:58

Piso Mojado

nakedly waiting while a teenage Best Buy employee googles "VCR"

# ? Aug 27, 2017 21:02

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

Whelp, I lost my job. My boss kept asking me to explain myself, and well, I'm sure you know my stance on that subject.

Also I am now balls deep in the VCR, went over a speed bump a little too vigorously on the way home.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 21:09

Slugnoid

DONT force it. last time i got my dick stuck in the blue ray player I tried to brute force it out, just ruined all of the you-know-what on the inside

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:19

Barking Gecko: Mahoro says, "Naughty things are bad."

I think you are rapidly approaching a critical decision point.
Very soon you will have to decide which is more important to you:
your dong
or
your VCR.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:21

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

wait who still have dongs? lol

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:30

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

Assuming it won't come out, you're gonna have to start wearing a skirt. If the idea hurts your masculinity too much you can call it a kilt. If you really can't stand to do that, you could try parachute pants but I really can't endorse that

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:32

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Do you have that special VCR head cleaning tape?

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:45

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Tell the ladies you have a real big unit and later they'll get a good chuckle.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:47

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

I know this isn't exactly what you want to hear, but if you get an adapter for your PC then you can just digitize your wiener and not have to mess with physical media at all.

# ? Aug 27, 2017 22:49

cda: by Hand Knit

My therapist says I need to set boundaries so I'm going to be firm with you: I asked you here to help me dislodge my member from this VCR, not to ask me why it's in there in the first place. My self-care is not your concern.

# ? Aug 28, 2017 02:39

cda: by Hand Knit

I have come to this snowbound mountain monastery with my dick in this VCR for one reason only: to make sure nobody asks me why it's in there, while they're helping me get it out.

# ? Aug 28, 2017 02:41

alnilam

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Tell the ladies you have a real big unit and later they'll get a good chuckle.

# ? Aug 28, 2017 02:42

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# ? May 5, 2024 18:21

Robot Made of Meat

There was an earlier post about a ball peen hammer, and it made me laugh. Just wanted everyone to know.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Aug 28, 2017 05:09

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Help! My dick is stuck in the VCR, and no, I will not explain why.

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