"I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years" - If I could prolong my time as a young adult b

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > "I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years" - If I could prolong my time as a young adult b

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sincx: Jul 13, 2012; furiously masturbating to anime titties

Pick, I didn't know you wrote for the New York Times.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/29/opinion/sunday/dating-age-gap.html

quote:

If I could prolong my time as a young adult by, say, 2.3 years, here is a list of things I would like to do:

� Go to more parties. Preferably wild parties that I can think about, years later, at mild parties.

� Get fit (i.e., get at least one ab before I die). This, I�m told, is easier to achieve when you�re young.

� Have more romantic partners. Preferably ones with abs.

� Get a bit higher up the career ladder a bit earlier on. That would probably boost my earnings, giving me more financial security. I could use that money to go to more parties, get a membership to a fancy gym and maybe even meet a romantic partner on the ab machines.

Most men who date women don�t fantasize about what they would do if they had these bonus years, they simply get them. In two-thirds of heterosexual couples, the man is at least a year older than his partner. The average age difference is 2.3 years according to the Census Bureau.

I know what you�re thinking: �What�s dating got to do with your weird list?� You�re right, in theory � life doesn�t stop once you settle down, so you could complete your own 2.3-year list regardless of your relationship status. But in reality, most couples who do commit long-term end up having children, so the age gap carries over into parenthood. The average age of a new father in the United States is 31 years, compared with 26 years for a new mother.
Continue reading the main story

Typically, becoming a parent has an enormous impact on your health, your career and your ability to party. It�s already bad enough that those burdens are more likely to be shouldered by mothers than fathers. The fact that women end the childless part of our lives earlier than our male partners is just salt in the wound. And looking even farther down the line, the bigger the age difference, the more likely that it will be women who take care of their male partners in old age.

Outraged at these numbers, I send my mom a text outlining my plans to find a much younger man and redress this scourge. She replies, �Women are more mature than men.� I roll my eyes. If there is any truth to her claim, maybe it�s because men know they can settle down at a later age. Where�s the incentive to grow up before you have to? Before I can reply, I get the rest of her message: �The French president�s marriage is an exception, and it is too early to know what is next.� Harsh, Mom.

Maybe she�s right, though. I change tactics and organize a date with a fellow 30-year-old. He waits in the garden of a Brooklyn bar while I get us two spicy margaritas. When I come back, I ask him what he is looking for.

�What do you mean?�

�I mean, do you want something serious?�

Leaning back in the sunlight, he smiles and says, �Oh, no, I don�t think so. I�m not in a rush.�

Hmm. My eyes fall upon his sleeveless T-shirt. I imagine pouring my drink on it. My friend Jon tells me that these are �intrusive thoughts� and everyone has them. Which gives me permission to also imagine setting the shirt on fire. Ah, peaceful lakes! Birdsong!

I know I�m not a fun first date. I want to ask prospective partners whether they want to become parents and when � and excuse me? You haven�t given it much thought? A shrug from a man who already has a couple of gray hairs strikes me as wild arrogance.

This arrogance has, as I see it, two main causes � one, a belief that their spermatozoa are good for a very long time, indeed, and two, a belief that they could get a younger woman if they wanted to. Let me examine the evidence for each of those male beliefs; fertility first.

Your sperm is not immortal. A study that tracked 8,559 pregnancies found that �conception during a 12-month period was 30 percent less likely for men over age 40 years as compared with men younger than age 30 years.�

That research was gathered in 2000 and was one of the few studies that focused on male fertility. See, scientists have invested a lot of time in poking and prodding women to understand conception, but only a small fraction of those studies have controlled for the age of the father. In other words, all that data we have about how women in their late 30s are struggling to get pregnant doesn�t take into consideration the fact that many of those women are trying to conceive with men who are in their 40s.

Men are much less fooled when it comes to that second belief � that they could get a younger woman if they wanted to. I�m not just basing this on the Census Bureau data I cited. There�s also the information gleaned from OkCupid�s millions of preferences. The dating site�s researchers found that most conversations take place between an older man and a younger woman and in almost half of them, the age gap is at least five years.

But men might still be mistaken about just how much younger their next partner could be. That same OkCupid data shows that even when men are in their late 40s, they carry on looking at the profiles of women age 20 to 24 (women, by contrast look at older men�s profiles as they get older).

Where do 50-year-old men get this strange impression that they could date a 23-year-old? Perhaps it�s their TV screens. When New York magazine looked at the careers of 10 leading men, it found that as they aged, their onscreen love interests didn�t. Take Liam Neeson. In 1990, he appeared alongside Frances McDormand, who was five years younger than he. By the time he starred in �Third Person� in 2013, the 61-year-old Neeson�s lover was played by 29-year-old Olivia Wilde.

We are socialized into thinking that men are like wine, they get better with time. Whereas women are like cheese, they get blue veins and start to stink. At some point, I subconsciously signed up, too. I find George Clooney hot and Justin Bieber not (Clooney is 26 years older than me and Bieber is seven years younger).

Do I sound angry? Maybe, but I�m also scared. I inspect my body when I step out of the shower and I can see the skin loosening above my knees. I don�t want to choose between being single or dating a much older man with much older knees. I think, maybe, I could deal with dying if the person I love is creaking along at the same rate I am.

So, this is where I ask for help from other single women seeking men. Sign a pledge with me here today. Not of celibacy (where�s the fun in that?), but let�s end this scourge once and for all by committing to contemporaries.

I understand your reluctance. Perhaps we�ve dipped a toe in the younger male waters and been burned by the sleeveless shirts, the sheetless beds, the unbridled selfishness. But sisters! We must persevere. If not for ourselves, then for one another. I hereby swear that I will not take an eligible older man out of the dating pool � to do so would be to slap future-me in the face but it would also signal to men my age that it�s O.K., you have time. Time is too precious to donate � so don�t give away 2.3 years of it.

Check out the hilarious art from the author-illustrator:

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# ? Oct 3, 2017 19:46

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 7, 2024 16:34

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Date older women.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 19:53

TastyAvocado: Dec 9, 2009

I like how the author coveniently ignores the actual 7ish "bonus years" the women get by, you know, actually living longer.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 19:56

Im Ready for DEATH: Oct 5, 2016

Oh millennials, you so entitled

# ? Oct 3, 2017 19:58

Kitsunegari: Aug 5, 2013

Don't read the NYT lol

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:06

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

Jeeeeeesus the gently caress

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:08

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

I'm sexy and cool and fun but nobody wants to date me!! *Writes article exposing my extensive and profound list of mental issues*

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:08

Im Ready for DEATH: Oct 5, 2016

If you want to lock a man down you have to get pregnant right away, no college for you. Keep yourself looking pretty and make sure you suck his dick a lot. Make sandwiches and shut up during the game.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:11

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

I Was Molested By A Close Relative And Other Things This Chile's Server Doesn't Really Need To Know About

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:13

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

If that were a Pick article it would be 100x more critical of men and end with a conclusion like "Date yourself instead."

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:14

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

i wish i had 2.3 bonus multiplier for hard cash $$$

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:15

VictorianQueerLit: Aug 25, 2017

Terrific Accident posted:

I'm sexy and cool and fun but nobody wants to date me!! *Writes article exposing my extensive and profound list of mental issues*

Tee Hee let's go on a date!

quote:

I change tactics and organize a date with a fellow 30-year-old. He waits in the garden of a Brooklyn bar while I get us two spicy margaritas. When I come back, I ask him what he is looking for.

�What do you mean?�

�I mean, do you want something serious?�

Leaning back in the sunlight, he smiles and says, �Oh, no, I don�t think so. I�m not in a rush.�

Hmm. My eyes fall upon his sleeveless T-shirt. I imagine pouring my drink on it. My friend Jon tells me that these are �intrusive thoughts� and everyone has them. Which gives me permission to also imagine setting the shirt on fire. Ah, peaceful lakes! Birdsong!

No issues here that would put people off. Nope.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:17

BIG BIC SQUAD: Jan 24, 2015

gbs hates women

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:22

Xbox Ambassador: Dec 23, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT BEING THE BIGGEST CRYBABY ON THE FORUMS

BIG BIC SQUAD posted:

gbs hates women

It's the truth

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:23

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Terrific Accident posted:

I Was Molested By A Close Relative And Other Things This Chile's Server Doesn't Really Need To Know About

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:32

eljackass: May 19, 2004; Caution is a word that I can't understand

That illustration looks like it's off a Wikihow article

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:42

spinderella: Jul 15, 2017; by FactsAreUseless

BIG BIC SQUAD posted:

gbs hates women

No it doesn't.
It hates mediocre unfunny try hard poo poo like this.
BIG DIFFERENCE.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 20:46

Neutrino: Mar 8, 2006; Fallen Rib

My wife is younger than me by about 8 months.

# ? Oct 3, 2017 21:26

just another: Oct 16, 2009; these dead towns that make the maps wrong now

my wife is older by five months checkmate

# ? Oct 3, 2017 21:28

Cubone: May 26, 2011; Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

quote:

Continue reading the main story

nah

# ? Oct 3, 2017 21:56

OMFG FURRY: Jul 10, 2006; [snarky comment]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO8vjjH9m_U

# ? Oct 3, 2017 22:37

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

pee pee doo doo this is a bad article

# ? Oct 3, 2017 22:51

proctorbot: Jan 27, 2005; BUT CAN IT FEEL??!?!

I read this and was disappointed nyt didn't allow comments for it, I was really pumped to wade through that shitshow

# ? Oct 3, 2017 23:55

subhuman filth: Nov 1, 2006

Writers are as sad hosed and broken as everyone else, except even more so because they can't find a real job

# ? Oct 4, 2017 00:25

a hole-y ghost: May 10, 2010

if you die during the bonus years, is it a bonus death (and therefore mean your standard death is still pending?)

# ? Oct 4, 2017 00:43

CalvinCoolidge: Dec 27, 2008

Liquid Drink posted:

It's the truth

Actually, I think you'll find that gbs hates unfunny limp zone posters.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 00:46

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Well, I've always regretted settling down too quickly in my adulthood and not having more female romantic partners with rock hard abs.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 00:47

green chicken feet: Nov 5, 2015; spray-paint the vegetables
dog food stalls
with the beefcake pantyhose; Grimey Drawer

TastyAvocado posted:

I like how the author coveniently ignores the actual 7ish "bonus years" the women get by, you know, actually living longer.

Would you rather have more years of youth or more of old age, quite likely as an elderly widow? Hmmm

# ? Oct 4, 2017 01:26

COMRADES: Apr 3, 2017; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Yeah if I could manipulate time that would be fresh.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 01:40

Ruggan: Feb 20, 2007; WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE?!

Unrelated question, but how old would you say my Mikkiko-San anime pillow is?

# ? Oct 4, 2017 02:00

Michaellaneous: Oct 30, 2013

Old enough to be rather stiff.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 02:03

Soup du Journey: Mar 20, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

proctorbot posted:

I read this and was disappointed nyt didn't allow comments for it, I was really pumped to wade through that shitshow

dear friend there are like 1400 comments for that article

# ? Oct 4, 2017 02:06

beer gas canister: Oct 30, 2007; shmups are da best come play some shmups they're cheap and good and you like them; Plaster Town Cop

Liquid Drink posted:

It's the truth

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:38

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

as a woman who writes for a famous newspaper i genuinely believe the men not settling down and having kids are ignorant of the fact that between 30 and 40 they will become 30 percent less good at making kids they have to pay for and watch

if only i could educate all of these men surely they would be rushing into marriage debt and responsibility

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:52

proctorbot: Jan 27, 2005; BUT CAN IT FEEL??!?!

Soup du Journey posted:

dear friend there are like 1400 comments for that article

Yes!

Pretend I posted the eating popcorn smiley

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:58

Comfy Fleece Sweater: Apr 2, 2013; You see, but you do not observe.

quote:

We are socialized into thinking that men are like wine, they get better with time. Whereas women are like cheese, they get blue veins and start to stink

Never in my life had I thought this but lol, thanks for the phrase

I've been dating 20-25 year old hotties from tinder for the last few months and I have zero regrets, it's fun

# ? Oct 4, 2017 04:58

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

extra stout posted:

as a woman who writes for a famous newspaper i genuinely believe the men not settling down and having kids are ignorant of the fact that between 30 and 40 they will become 30 percent less good at making kids they have to pay for and watch

if only i could educate all of these men surely they would be rushing into marriage debt and responsibility

I like that she sites OkCupid for men having unrealistic standards when these graphs exists:

These were from their own blog. The dotted line is one gender appraising the other and the solid line is for messaging. The dudes naturally made a bell curve like they thought there were a minority of extremes on either side, but average was average. The women thought 80% of guys were below average.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 05:06

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

ArbitraryC posted:

I like that she sites OkCupid for men having unrealistic standards when these graphs exists:

These were from their own blog. The dotted line is one gender appraising the other and the solid line is for messaging. The dudes naturally made a bell curve like they thought there were a minority of extremes on either side, but average was average. The women thought 80% of guys were below average.

80% of the guys on online dating sites are DEFINITELY below average, at BEST

# ? Oct 4, 2017 05:08

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Pick posted:

80% of the guys on online dating sites are DEFINITELY below average, at BEST

Yeah this is probably true, but so are the women. My partners I've met in person or through friends have always been better than those I met online, I feel like that whole environment is garbage.

# ? Oct 4, 2017 05:12

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 7, 2024 16:34

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

ArbitraryC posted:

Yeah this is probably true, but so are the women. My partners I've met in person or through friends have always been better than those I met online, I feel like that whole environment is garbage.

absolutely true

# ? Oct 4, 2017 05:46

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > "I Want My 2.3 Bonus Years" - If I could prolong my time as a young adult b

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