What's your bible headcanon?

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > What's your bible headcanon?

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

I really like the theory that in Genesis 2:21 it was Adam's baculum that God used to create Eve, and it's just been mistranslated and forgotten over the centuries.

It makes sense, humans are one of the only mammals without dickbones, and they have a lot more to do with creating life than ribs.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:07

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 07:36

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:08

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

I think it's both real and alegorical. Human history up to the arrival of Christ on earth was God telling humanity a metaphor that prepared us for the gospel.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:10

Whistling Asshole: Nov 18, 2005

Pick posted:

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

you might want to brush up on your catechism because crazy poo poo like transubstantiation is considered real and definitely not allegory in any way

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:16

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Whistling rear end in a top hat posted:

you might want to brush up on your catechism because crazy poo poo like transubstantiation is considered real and definitely not allegory in any way

that part is real but some other poo poo im like eeeeh

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:19

That Robot: Sep 16, 2004; ask me anything about robots; Buglord

Pick posted:

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

How do you reconcile the old testament god with the new testament god?

My bible headcanon is that the holy anointing oil included cannabis in its formulation.

Also the burning bush was a trip.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:20

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

That Robot posted:

How do you reconcile the old testament god with the new testament god?

same guy

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:22

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

The Gnostics have a really cool theory about that, but it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the canon.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:23

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

The Bible was written and edited by many different people over a period of centuries

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:25

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

I like that Magic the Gathering artist who just draws bitching mystical angels with the flimsiest pretext to Jewish and Gnostic convention. I got one framed in my hallway.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:28

flavor.flv: Apr 18, 2008; I got a letter from the government the other day
opened it, read it
it said they was bitches

Who came up with the "human in a robe with bird wings" design anyway? Did they even read the books?

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:30

myDad: Jan 20, 2010; ce n'est pas ma m�re; College Slice

The part about rain being God's jizz is true

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:32

facebook jihad: Dec 18, 2007; by R. Guyovich

Pick posted:

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

Congrats on your attempt at making this thread about yourself jfc

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:36

violentlycitrus: Aug 3, 2004

That Robot posted:

How do you reconcile the old testament god with the new testament god?

My bible headcanon is that the holy anointing oil included cannabis in its formulation.

Also the burning bush was a trip.

Old testament doesnt apply anymore. Thanks, Jesus

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:38

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

i ship jesus and the holy spirit

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:39

facebook jihad: Dec 18, 2007; by R. Guyovich

The Bible honestly isn�t a very good book

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:39

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

facebook jihad posted:

The Bible honestly isn’t a very good book

It's really not. I can be courteous and say that a lot of that is from the retranslations of retranslations, but even ignoring that the mythology is boring, the pacing laughable, the characters thin, the plots rambling, and aside from indoctrination I have no earthly clue how this was the religious text that took root.

Also those angels I mentioned were badass:

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:43

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

This one time god was like "kill ur son" to this dude.

And the dude was like, "gently caress! Well... You're the almighty so I'll do it but only cuz its you askin."

And god was all, "psyche! drat dood you were really gonna do it. Thats hosed up, lmao."

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:48

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

god is an evil tyrant and satan is the good and true hero of the book waiting in exile in hell with the other cool kids for the revolution

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:50

Volcott: Mar 30, 2010; People paying American dollars to let other people know they didn't agree with someone's position on something is the lifeblood of these forums.

Judas was the most devoted apostle and that's why he was asked to take the fall and become humanity's most infamous betrayer. Someone had to do it or the whole "death and resurrection" thing wouldn't have gotten off the ground.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:50

walgreenslatino: Jun 2, 2015; Lipstick Apathy

A redactor who thought it appropriate to put one creation myth timeline literally right next to a totally different creation myth timeline probably had a different interpretation of what constituted "theological fact" than most modern people do

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:51

Crowsbeak: Oct 9, 2012; by Azathoth; Lipstick Apathy

Judas was a Zealot and betrayed God because he realized that God had not come to smite the Gentiles.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 03:55

Rock Paper Tongue: Oct 24, 2016; May cause birth defects

God decided to gently caress with Job just because he was bored and thought it would be funny

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:03

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

Judas was the loving worst

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:03

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

Pick posted:

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

The Bible states that slave owners (CEOs and bosses) can beat their slaves (employees) so long as they don't die for a day or so. Which is more relevant by the day.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:05

Arrhythmia: Jul 22, 2011

That good works are necessary to enter the kingdom of heaven and belief alone is not enough.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:06

Arrhythmia: Jul 22, 2011

Pick posted:

this will blow your loving miiiind but I'm a practicing catholic and i go to church FOR REALS and so I think it is mostly allegory still applicable to modern times

i'm literally surprised

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:07

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

Who What Now posted:

The Bible states that slave owners (CEOs and bosses) can beat their slaves (employees) so long as they don't die for a day or so. Which is more relevant by the day.

I mean, there's a difference between what's legal and what's recommended.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:07

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

Who What Now posted:

The Bible states that slave owners (CEOs and bosses) can beat their slaves (employees) so long as they don't die for a day or so. Which is more relevant by the day.

This was never not relevant. As long as there are workers and those organizing said workers then there will always be discussions on the allotted abuse thereof.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:08

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

General Dog posted:

I mean, there's a difference between what's legal and what's recommended.

Sure, but we've all been in a situation where you just get into a real groove when youre caning your slave and then the next thing you know their face is an unrecognizable lump of swollen flesh and bleeding gashes, amirite? Happens to the best of us!

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:09

Percelus: Sep 9, 2012; My command, your wish is

hail satan

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:10

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Percelus posted:

god is an evil tyrant and satan is the good and true hero of the book waiting in exile in hell with the other cool kids for the revolution

God requires worship

All satan wants is a simple "hail". Just a hello. A friendly greeting of "sup?".

Who's the monster?

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:10

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

mind the walrus posted:

This was never not relevant. As long as there are workers and those organizing said workers then there will always be discussions on the allotted abuse thereof.

Take it to dnd, nerd

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:12

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

SCROTO TURBOSPERG posted:

Take it to dnd, nerd

Satan cares what I have to say :colbert:

I always liked Gaiman's interpretation of Lucifer-- Lucifer never proclaimed to be the king of evil or the lord of punishment or whatever, he simply set up shop in Hell and demons/lost souls came to him demanding punishment and torment out of some subconscious expectation and so he obliged.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:13

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

mind the walrus posted:

Satan cares what I have to say

I always liked Gaiman's interpretation of Lucifer-- Lucifer never proclaimed to be the king of evil or the lord of punishment or whatever, he simply set up shop in Hell and demons/lost souls came to him demanding punishment and torment out of some subconscious expectation and so he obliged.

Lucifer is a dreamboat. :allears:

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:15

Salt Fish: Sep 11, 2003; Cybernetic Crumb

Haven't read the bible but have you heard of this book called Dianetics?

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:16

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Salt Fish posted:

Haven't read the bible but have you heard of this book called Dianetics?

Sounds like a cookbook for dorks. Impressive that its way worse than that

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:18

Rutibex: Sep 9, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

genesis 32:22-32 proves that God is not omnipotent. he in fact has a very low power level and loses to a normal guy in a wrestling match. by this logic i assume that it would be easy to kill God with a gun or even an arrow

genesis 32:22-32 posted:

Jacob Wrestles With God

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob�s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, �Let me go, for it is daybreak.�

But Jacob replied, �I will not let you go unless you bless me.�

27 The man asked him, �What is your name?�

�Jacob,� he answered.

28 Then the man said, �Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.�

29 Jacob said, �Please tell me your name.�

But he replied, �Why do you ask my name?� Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, �It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.�

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob�s hip was touched near the tendon.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:18

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Jacob sounds like a rich rear end in a top hat that his rear end in a top hat son idolized and gave a neat backstory to

Beating up the homeless sure was a lot different back then

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:19

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 07:36

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

Rutibex posted:

genesis 32:22-32 proves that God is not omnipotent. he in fact has a very low power level and loses to a normal guy in a wrestling match. by this logic i assume that it would be easy to kill God with a gun or even an arrow

They "wrestled" all night

# ? Nov 1, 2017 04:21

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