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  Upward! climbed the exiled prince of all barbarians, Hodack O'Bangin. His tumescent biceps rippled with powerful sinews, his pillary legs dug into the red earth of Red Mountain. "Whomst but I would dare to challenge Lord Rivendack in his own mountainous keep?" Hodack said aloud to his pack goat Timble Nimbly. "None," replied Timble who could also talk. "None but you and I have the strength aheart to free this once dewy land now overrun by tyranny and also oppression." As the two meditated on the cravenness of the conquered valley folk, a boulder bounded by nearly crushing them, but not. "I see a figure ahead," observed Timble. "One of Rivendack's lackeys no doubt. But which of the 4 Prime Lackeys could it be?" |
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Nov 3, 2017 15:59
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Hodack theatrically placed a hand up to shade his neanderthal like brow, though this was completely unnecessary having won the Sight of Eagles by defeating the arch wizard Haxor. "Tis Prepuce of Nonce!" exclaimed Hodack. "Lord Rivendack has recruited some of the most hated and dangerous enemies from my youth to thwart my revenge. This time things will go very differently than my last encounter with Prepuce, for I am a man now!" Timble bleated encouragingly to spur his master onward and upward, his enchanted horns deflecting and smashing any errant boulders. Hodack's pistoning quads and glutes made short work of the remaining climb. As they crested the crumbling edge of the calamitous cliff, Hodack spied his hated enemy waiting for him across a broad mesa. "What Ho foul miscreant!" Hodack's blood boiled with a mixture of rage and shame Prepuce cut a striking figure. The gem encrusted hilt of his broad sword poked through his heavy cape. His knightly helm was burnished to a glistening sheen. "At last Hodack, we meet again. I must say it has been far too long. I miss besting you in battle. Crushing you into submission was by far my most satisfying victory". Smiling coyly, Prepuce shed his cape with a flourish. The retracting cape revealed a golden armor that dazzled the eye, glittering in a mirrored brilliance. Surrounded by a bright corona, Prepuce's strategy was immediately clear. The rising sun was blindingly reflected into Hodack's eagle sighted eyes!! Prepuce unsheathed his mighty broad sword and gripped it with two gloved hands, prepared for the charge that was sure to come Weener Beater fucked around with this message at 23:05 on Nov 7, 2017 |
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Nov 3, 2017 17:24
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Hodack and Prepuce eyed each other for a long, extended moment, a moment that streched tremblingly into a future engorged with fear and promise. Suddenly an unexpected sound rang out, cutting short the tension of the moment! A dim shadowy figure had entered the mesa, unseen and unheard until its unanticipated revelation. This figure too was surrounded by a cloak, but one of a more vibrant hue. Like a flower it seemed, or else some kind of smothering monstrous net that sought to ensnare unwary adventurers into its folds to be devoured. It was unclear, and in the face of this uncertainty Hodack's and Prepuce's weapons began to lower to the ground, almost involuntarily. "Well met, travelers!" her voice rang out, for, against all odds and expectations, the shadowy anxiety-causing figure was female! "To what ends do you joust?"
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Nov 3, 2017 20:07
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Hodack bellowed with anger. "This man is a lackey of the evil lord Rivendack! He and his fellow thugs terrorize the poor villagers below, and lay false claim to the throne!" Hodack punctuated his statements by stabbing the air with a bulbous muscled finger, while Timble chewed his cud and nodded his agreement. Prepuce snidely sniggered behind a gloved hand. Turning gallantly toward the mysteriously cloaked newcomer he pronounced, "Milady, this ruffian and his strange 4 legged concubine have wandered into our gentle kingdom seeking trouble. I know not of what he speaks. I am but a humble defender of the realm, a poor knight charged with defending our fair borders." Hodack was struck dumb. Prepuce's lies triggered a deeply buried memory. Of honeyed words and the yearnings of a young boy seeking the affirmation of a man of courage and valor. Betrayal!! Incoherent with rage, Hodack threw his mighty war-hammer directly at Prepuce's head!! With a ripple of strange energy, the woman's cloak opened, revealing a crimson lining. At the same time her hood drew back exposing a beautiful face framed with blazing red hair! Time froze for an instant. Her voluminous cloak stretched through the air, engulfing Hodack's massive hammer and wrestled it to the ground. "Hold!" exclaimed the mysterious beauty. "I will uncover the truth here!" Weener Beater fucked around with this message at 04:10 on Nov 4, 2017 |
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Nov 4, 2017 04:02
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"They name me the Enchantress," she said. "And enchanting your are," said Prepuce, his honeyed words dribbling from his plump, manly lips. "Rein your horses, meathead," she replied. "I too would see this Rivendack undone. For you see, in the last age of Tinderas the artifacts of --" Prepuce's beefy eyes glazed over, Hodack counted crows in the distance, and even Timble -- long known for his studious nature -- wandered in and out as the Enchantress expounded at length. "--And so to recover the Nardunium it is of the utmost importance that Rivendack be disenspined post haste!" "Yah, wah?" Hodack said with a start as he shook himself free from slumber. "Spines! Yes, and I Hodack shall de-spine this worm, Rivendack!" "Ahh, villain, do you still deceive this fine and ferocious sourcerlass? Cad," Prepuce muttered, "What an utter cad he is, mlady." "That is yet to be determined," the Enchantress responded cooly. "And I shall do the determinations. I shall ask a question of each of you and if I judge you true, then I shall join you. But if I judge you caddish, then we are mortal foes." "Seems fair," offered the goat. The two warriors glared at Timble. "Test?" murmured Hodack. "Is there a written portion?" whined Prepuce. "No, only a single question: What is best in life?" "Grass," answered Timble. "Glory," answered Hodack. "Oh, my sweet, a lovely evening with just the two of us," said Prepuce. Hodack's memory burned with shame. This was the 8th grade barbarian prom all over again. "I know just the perfect spot off the citadel gardens." "The what now?" Timble asked. "The citadel garden, you know by Rivendack Road...poo poo." "And so our cad reveals himself," crowed the Enchantress. With a flourish of her cape she returned Hodack his war-hammer. "Let us destroy this cretin." |
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Nov 5, 2017 18:42
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Hodack securely wrapped each of his meaty fingers around the grip of his hammer, and raised it before him. He widened his stance, planting his heels into the gravel beneath. Slow, steady breaths surged from powerful lungs, invigorating him with a warrior's energy. He did a couple quick kegels to ensure good prostate health. He smooched the head of his hammer for luck, and knowing the terrible skill of Prepuce, gambled for a little more luck by slipping his hammer a bit of tongue. He blushed and withdrew his lips when his teeth bumped against the unyielding steel. A failed frenchie -- and an ill omen.
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Nov 5, 2017 23:09
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Despite the rigid corset he was prone to wear, and gilded armor, Prepuce was quite nimble. His swinging broad sword sang a song of sorrow as he danced around the mesa seeking advantage. He continued to direct beams of brilliant sunlight into his foes eyes, probing for an opening to strike a decisive blow! Hodack and The Enchantress circled warily, parrying with hammer or deflecting with cape. Neither could penetrate the master swordsman's flurry of thrusts and swings. But fate favors heroes! As the battle wore on a lone cloud slid across the Sun's face, nullifying Prepuce's blinding glow. With a mighty roar Hodack swung maniacally. His mighty hammer drove Prepuce back, ever backward toward the mesa's edge. Through her powers of the Femmystic, an ancient long hidden source of arcane knowledge, The Enchantress sensed the confluence of probabilities and struck! Her living cape lashed out and grabbed Prepuce's leg, like an attacking clam, sending him toppling over the edge of the bluff! "Huzzah!" proclaimed Hodack. Timble pranced and bucked with joy at his master's victory. Weener Beater fucked around with this message at 01:35 on Nov 6, 2017 |
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Nov 6, 2017 00:16
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EDITED FOR LATENESS Woops, looks like this entry was from a different time stream. ShinyBirdTeeth fucked around with this message at 00:23 on Nov 6, 2017 |
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Nov 6, 2017 00:21
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Ch. 2 Citadel of The Valley Tyrant The two heroes had no time to spare for celebrations. With Prepuce thrown over the precipice, Hodack and the Enchantress groped toward Lord Rivendack's layer. Timble Nimbly deftly picked his way behind them hauling the goat-cart of supplies. Rivendack's citadel crowned Red Mountain. The citadel comprised a thick curtain wall crowned with battlements and an advertisement for open apartments reading "IF YOU LAIRED HERE, YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW." "Dang, TE, how long do you think it took to haul all that red stone up the mountain for the walls," Hodack asked. "I think they used the ones already here," the Enchantress said. She looked at him sideways, but decided not to press the matter. "No doubt though tis a mighty fortress. They've enough space for dozens perhaps hundreds of people in there." Hodack whistled, "Imagine that hundreds of people." His head swam at the thought. "And at least one garden," Timble said licking his goat lips. "But how do we get in," the Enchantress asked. Hodack smiled and winked at his warhammer. "Without trying to smash the gate down," the Enchantress finished. Hodack's face fell. |
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Nov 6, 2017 00:31
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Timble chewed thoughtfully, pondering the challenge with all of the sagacity of a small framed ungulate. "Perhaps we could pass through as traveling merchants or a band of entertainers" he mused. The two human heroes turned with dumbfounded shock to peer at their companion. "Why that's brilliant!" exclaimed the Enchantress. Mumbling strange incantations in a long dead tongue the Enchantress cajoled her capricious cape into a flurry of folds. In no time she had transformed herself from a regal sorceress into a stooped merchant woman covered in a shawl and peasant dress. "Now what shall we do about you my hulking friend?" The Enchantress eyed Hodack's massive frame, and overdeveloped musculature. |
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Nov 6, 2017 01:46
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The ears weren't great, but on the whole it would work. "Halt, who goes there?" asked the unimaginative guard. "Tis only a wandering spice crone," replied the Enchantress her voice pitched high and reedy. "Spices! My favorite. May I take a whiff of your wares?" asked the guard. "Uhh, I've come to market munkwort and stink berries." the Enchantress replied. "Eugh. Well the Crap Golem will be glad to hear it at least. And the rest of you?" the guard asked. "Pardon me, I nearly forgot my manners. This is my unusually hirsute son Tander Nandy." Timble waved from deep with in his oversized tunic. A large green hood hung over his face. "Pardon my shying, goodly guard, but I am deeply ashamed of my hideous face." The guard clucked his tongue, "So brave. So brave to still help your old mother despite your condition." Timble thought of grass going to waste to put a little emotion in his voice and said, "Aye, tis my fate to never love but only to mark stink berries and toad vomit. Still, I carry on." The guard wiped a tear from his eye, "Me own brother was an uggo...Gods keep you Tander Nandy. In you go, you and your unreasonably swole horse." Hadock crawled forward trying to keep the wobbly ears in place while the Enchantress and Timble lead the way. |
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Nov 6, 2017 02:01
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Hodack was quick to de-equinize at the sound of the gates closing behind the fellowship, "Quick thinking, Mrs. E! Now what do we do?", he asked, lusting for justice. "Hey you mentioned something about a ga-" Timble began, only to be interrupted by the Enchantress, as Hodack continued to shed his costume, "Surely, here in Rivendack you will find more of the Tyrant's henchmen, as well as riddles.." Timble had not had grass in hours and had the shakes and a newfound confidence in his ability to pass off as an ugly ugly (but still human) baby, so while the Enchantress told a somewhat stricken Hodack all about the city they'd arrived in, he snuck off to find the Rivendack Gardens. "Ah!" the Enchantress exlaimed, pointing her finger towards a dim alleyway, "We're sure to find some drunken soldiers in the Pissways, they will know where Rivendack's captains are", As they paced towards danger and riddles, Timble followed his junkie senses in the opposite direction, hoping to get his fix. ---------------- |
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Nov 6, 2017 19:08
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As they slunk towards the alleyway dozens of guards could be seen walking the battlements, or patrolling the parade grounds. Cowed townsfolk came and went down narrow streets leading off in several directions. Dominating the walled town was the keep itself, a massive imposing pile of red stone built against the mountainside and abutting the open commons. It was clear that entering the Citadel itself would be no small feet. The base of the keep was surrounded by a foul moat, brimming with the town's effluvia. A small bridge, guarded by soldiers led over the moat and into the castle. "We must find a place to hide until nightfall, a frontal assault is impossible." The Enchantress eyed the keep's massive face, noting few windows or hand holds. A series of a half submerged grated openings in the Castle's base emptied into the odorous moat. This looked promising.... Hodack lusted for action! "All this hiding and slinking around is for Sissies!" proclaimed the barbarian, popping his pecs for emphasis. Meanwhile...Timble followed his goatly instincts. His nostrils flared, picking up faint traces of jasmine, grass and delicious herbs in the air. Trotting up a narrow alley the goat came upon the high walled garden, used by the keep's cooks to supply Lord Rivendack's table. Timble trembled with hunger, his eye's wide as he peeked through a crack in the gate at the abundance he yearned to gorge on. How to get in? The high gate latched from the inside. A lone scullery maid gathered herbs and roots at the far side of the garden. As he watched, the maid plucked a cabbage and hid it under ruffled frock. Aha! Surely the cruel Lord Rivendack would not look kindly on employee theft! "Ho there maid! That is the thief's way of making sauerkraut! Open the gate or I shall report you to the Lord's Chamberlain! " The maid jumped up in fear. "Who is that?" she cried. "The Lord's guard. Open now and I shall forget your thievery." The maid quickly ran toward the gate, assorted vegetables dropping from her skirt. She unlatched and pulled open the gate, prepared to declare her innocence. But what was this? Only a lonely goat stood in the alley! Timble seized the moment. Nearly mad with hunger the goat galloped past the maid, quickly pivoted and rammed the poor girl in her ample backside, sending her sprawling into the street. He nudged the gate shut after her and prepared to satisfy his uncontrollable craving. Weener Beater fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Nov 7, 2017 |
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Nov 6, 2017 19:17
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"I have come to work my grim and meaty trade! Who here would name himself a match for such brave brawn," Hodack said as he power flexed. "Oh Lord," said the Enchantress. "Yes, oh Lords and oh Ladies, tremble no longer for I come bearing just desserts," Hodack said. A pair of guards edged closer to the heaving man mountain. The bolder of the two spoke, "You'd best come with us then, you've been expected." "Here at last, thank the gods!" a rail-thin cook shouted. Timble looked up as best he could from within his borrowed tunic. He stuffed two parsnips into his sleeves and braced himself. "You are ever so welcome, Chef Grumbley, but why did you come in the garden?" the cook asked. "I like to keep an eye on the produce," Timble said. "Such an eye for detail, just as they promised. Such a fine goatee for a gnome as well and here I thought you lot were all bald as pumpkins," prattled the cook. "Yes, well, I'm a mountain gnome. We're a bit different." "Where are my manners," the cook said, "Let me show you the kitchen." "Yes, with all haste," Timble said. "Are you sure this is the right way," Hodack asked the guards as they lead him into a small outbuilding. "It hardly seems grand enough." "Oh it's good enough for the likes of you," a guard said, "And make no mistake. The outside may be plain, but just wait till you see what we've set up for you." "Hah, I scoff at your challenges, knave," said Hodack. "We'll see. Prepare yourself well, giant, Lord Rivendack will be waiting. With that the guard pushed open a heavy oak door to reveal a room think with noise, knives, and steam. "What is the meaning of this?" Hodack said as he grabbed a scurrying figure nearly swallowed by an oversized chef's hat. "What sort of devilry fills the air with cursed, stinging vapors?" "Hodack? It's just some cayenne..." said the chef's hat. "Gasp," Hodack said to the Enchantress, "They have spied us coming!" "Timble," the Enchantress said to the chef's hat, "What's going on? Why did they just lock us in a kitchen?" "Shhh, that's Master Chef Grumbley," Timble said. He shoved a fist full of rutabagas into Hodack's hands, "And there's more where that came from." The eager cook grabbed Hodack by one rippling forearm and said, "Well well and who might you be?" "I am Hodack here to bring Lord Rivendack his just desserts," Hodack said. "Do not plead ignorance, steam maiden, for all know of my coming." "Oh bless me, the pastry chef too? What luck what luck and here I thought you were delayed in Valleyton. The Lord will eat well tonight, eh?" The Enchantress punched Hodack in the kidneys before he could bellow a response and said, "Yes, it will be a meal to remember." TE, Hodack, and Timble all laughed menacingly. "Good to see someone who loves their work," said the cook. When the cook scurried off, Hodack said to Timble, "Excellent, old friend, we've found a way in." "And a most delicious one indeed," said the Enchantress. "Hmm, I think our welcome won't survive the meal," Timble said as he quitely pulled spice bags off the table and into Hodack's huge pockets. "Never fear, bearded one, Hodack and I found a convenient sewer pipe," the Enchantress said. "Everything is taken care of assuming 1-3 lackey's with prior knowledge of Hodack, yourself, and me do not intervene." |
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Nov 7, 2017 18:01
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The intrepid trio dashed around the kitchen frantically preparing Lord Rivendack's feast. Thankfully The Enchantress's education included 1 quarter of home ec. as an adjunct to philters and potions, while Timble's innate sense of all things vegetable rounded out their culinary arts. Hodack was content to tenderize a side of beef with his warhammer and practice his knife skills on the poultry. "What Ho!, this brisket vexes me!" Hodack continued to lustily swing his hammer, rippling chest glistening with sweat in the swampy air. The Enchantress's damp cape gave a slight flutter as she tried to focus on the soup and and sauces before her, rather than her manly compatriot. Timble sidled up to to TE and whispered " The medicinal stores are right across the hall from the kitchen. I have all of the ingredients we need. Broom flower, Bearberry, Guar Gum, Milk Thistle, Senna, and Vasambu" The two set to work. Bored with meat pounding, Hodack wandered over. "Ho good friends, why this meal smells fit for a king!" He gamely grabbed a spoon to sample the soup. Before TE or Timble could stop him he had swallowed a goodly helping. "Why Lord Rivendack hardly deserves such fare!" Stunned, Timble and the Enchantress had no time to address the likely outcome of their friend's folly. They pushed him toward the server station. "Quickly Hodack, the time is nigh. We must disguise ourselves so that we may bring the meal to Lord Rivendack" TE struggled to squeeze Hodack into the server uniform. His gargantuan traps and lats strained the largest jacket, and no pants would accommodate his trunk like legs. An apron would have to do. The Enchantress quickly coaxed her cloak into suitable attire. Hodack tugged at the apron. "No man shall wear a skirt! I am no prancing ninny." Timble nudged his master. "This is but a blood apron. It shall keep your foes unworthy entrails from sullying your new loin cloth." Hodack appeared mollified, but he crossed his arms sullenly. "I did not come here to cook, I came to liberate!" His proclamation was punctuated by a deep rumbling centered in his stomach. TE and Timble exchanged a worried look and hurried to load the serving carts with the various dishes. Lastly they stowed Hodack's hammer just as the head servant called for dinner to begin........ Weener Beater fucked around with this message at 03:51 on Nov 8, 2017 |
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Nov 7, 2017 22:43
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