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  Upward! climbed the exiled prince of all barbarians, Hodack O'Bangin. His tumescent biceps rippled with powerful sinews, his pillary legs dug into the red earth of Red Mountain. "Whomst but I would dare to challenge Lord Rivendack in his own mountainous keep?" Hodack said aloud to his pack goat Timble Nimbly. "None," replied Timble who could also talk. "None but you and I have the strength aheart to free this once dewy land now overrun by tyranny and also oppression." As the two meditated on the cravenness of the conquered valley folk, a boulder bounded by nearly crushing them, but not. "I see a figure ahead," observed Timble. "One of Rivendack's lackeys no doubt. But which of the 4 Prime Lackeys could it be?" |
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Nov 3, 2017 15:59
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| # ¿ May 21, 2024 17:53 |
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"They name me the Enchantress," she said. "And enchanting your are," said Prepuce, his honeyed words dribbling from his plump, manly lips. "Rein your horses, meathead," she replied. "I too would see this Rivendack undone. For you see, in the last age of Tinderas the artifacts of --" Prepuce's beefy eyes glazed over, Hodack counted crows in the distance, and even Timble -- long known for his studious nature -- wandered in and out as the Enchantress expounded at length. "--And so to recover the Nardunium it is of the utmost importance that Rivendack be disenspined post haste!" "Yah, wah?" Hodack said with a start as he shook himself free from slumber. "Spines! Yes, and I Hodack shall de-spine this worm, Rivendack!" "Ahh, villain, do you still deceive this fine and ferocious sourcerlass? Cad," Prepuce muttered, "What an utter cad he is, mlady." "That is yet to be determined," the Enchantress responded cooly. "And I shall do the determinations. I shall ask a question of each of you and if I judge you true, then I shall join you. But if I judge you caddish, then we are mortal foes." "Seems fair," offered the goat. The two warriors glared at Timble. "Test?" murmured Hodack. "Is there a written portion?" whined Prepuce. "No, only a single question: What is best in life?" "Grass," answered Timble. "Glory," answered Hodack. "Oh, my sweet, a lovely evening with just the two of us," said Prepuce. Hodack's memory burned with shame. This was the 8th grade barbarian prom all over again. "I know just the perfect spot off the citadel gardens." "The what now?" Timble asked. "The citadel garden, you know by Rivendack Road...poo poo." "And so our cad reveals himself," crowed the Enchantress. With a flourish of her cape she returned Hodack his war-hammer. "Let us destroy this cretin." |
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Nov 5, 2017 18:42
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EDITED FOR LATENESS Woops, looks like this entry was from a different time stream. ShinyBirdTeeth fucked around with this message at 00:23 on Nov 6, 2017 |
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Nov 6, 2017 00:21
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Ch. 2 Citadel of The Valley Tyrant The two heroes had no time to spare for celebrations. With Prepuce thrown over the precipice, Hodack and the Enchantress groped toward Lord Rivendack's layer. Timble Nimbly deftly picked his way behind them hauling the goat-cart of supplies. Rivendack's citadel crowned Red Mountain. The citadel comprised a thick curtain wall crowned with battlements and an advertisement for open apartments reading "IF YOU LAIRED HERE, YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW." "Dang, TE, how long do you think it took to haul all that red stone up the mountain for the walls," Hodack asked. "I think they used the ones already here," the Enchantress said. She looked at him sideways, but decided not to press the matter. "No doubt though tis a mighty fortress. They've enough space for dozens perhaps hundreds of people in there." Hodack whistled, "Imagine that hundreds of people." His head swam at the thought. "And at least one garden," Timble said licking his goat lips. "But how do we get in," the Enchantress asked. Hodack smiled and winked at his warhammer. "Without trying to smash the gate down," the Enchantress finished. Hodack's face fell. |
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Nov 6, 2017 00:31
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The ears weren't great, but on the whole it would work. "Halt, who goes there?" asked the unimaginative guard. "Tis only a wandering spice crone," replied the Enchantress her voice pitched high and reedy. "Spices! My favorite. May I take a whiff of your wares?" asked the guard. "Uhh, I've come to market munkwort and stink berries." the Enchantress replied. "Eugh. Well the Crap Golem will be glad to hear it at least. And the rest of you?" the guard asked. "Pardon me, I nearly forgot my manners. This is my unusually hirsute son Tander Nandy." Timble waved from deep with in his oversized tunic. A large green hood hung over his face. "Pardon my shying, goodly guard, but I am deeply ashamed of my hideous face." The guard clucked his tongue, "So brave. So brave to still help your old mother despite your condition." Timble thought of grass going to waste to put a little emotion in his voice and said, "Aye, tis my fate to never love but only to mark stink berries and toad vomit. Still, I carry on." The guard wiped a tear from his eye, "Me own brother was an uggo...Gods keep you Tander Nandy. In you go, you and your unreasonably swole horse." Hadock crawled forward trying to keep the wobbly ears in place while the Enchantress and Timble lead the way. |
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Nov 6, 2017 02:01
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"I have come to work my grim and meaty trade! Who here would name himself a match for such brave brawn," Hodack said as he power flexed. "Oh Lord," said the Enchantress. "Yes, oh Lords and oh Ladies, tremble no longer for I come bearing just desserts," Hodack said. A pair of guards edged closer to the heaving man mountain. The bolder of the two spoke, "You'd best come with us then, you've been expected." "Here at last, thank the gods!" a rail-thin cook shouted. Timble looked up as best he could from within his borrowed tunic. He stuffed two parsnips into his sleeves and braced himself. "You are ever so welcome, Chef Grumbley, but why did you come in the garden?" the cook asked. "I like to keep an eye on the produce," Timble said. "Such an eye for detail, just as they promised. Such a fine goatee for a gnome as well and here I thought you lot were all bald as pumpkins," prattled the cook. "Yes, well, I'm a mountain gnome. We're a bit different." "Where are my manners," the cook said, "Let me show you the kitchen." "Yes, with all haste," Timble said. "Are you sure this is the right way," Hodack asked the guards as they lead him into a small outbuilding. "It hardly seems grand enough." "Oh it's good enough for the likes of you," a guard said, "And make no mistake. The outside may be plain, but just wait till you see what we've set up for you." "Hah, I scoff at your challenges, knave," said Hodack. "We'll see. Prepare yourself well, giant, Lord Rivendack will be waiting. With that the guard pushed open a heavy oak door to reveal a room think with noise, knives, and steam. "What is the meaning of this?" Hodack said as he grabbed a scurrying figure nearly swallowed by an oversized chef's hat. "What sort of devilry fills the air with cursed, stinging vapors?" "Hodack? It's just some cayenne..." said the chef's hat. "Gasp," Hodack said to the Enchantress, "They have spied us coming!" "Timble," the Enchantress said to the chef's hat, "What's going on? Why did they just lock us in a kitchen?" "Shhh, that's Master Chef Grumbley," Timble said. He shoved a fist full of rutabagas into Hodack's hands, "And there's more where that came from." The eager cook grabbed Hodack by one rippling forearm and said, "Well well and who might you be?" "I am Hodack here to bring Lord Rivendack his just desserts," Hodack said. "Do not plead ignorance, steam maiden, for all know of my coming." "Oh bless me, the pastry chef too? What luck what luck and here I thought you were delayed in Valleyton. The Lord will eat well tonight, eh?" The Enchantress punched Hodack in the kidneys before he could bellow a response and said, "Yes, it will be a meal to remember." TE, Hodack, and Timble all laughed menacingly. "Good to see someone who loves their work," said the cook. When the cook scurried off, Hodack said to Timble, "Excellent, old friend, we've found a way in." "And a most delicious one indeed," said the Enchantress. "Hmm, I think our welcome won't survive the meal," Timble said as he quitely pulled spice bags off the table and into Hodack's huge pockets. "Never fear, bearded one, Hodack and I found a convenient sewer pipe," the Enchantress said. "Everything is taken care of assuming 1-3 lackey's with prior knowledge of Hodack, yourself, and me do not intervene." |
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Nov 7, 2017 18:01
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