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Elizabeth Murdoch-Jones, HOA president, "I regret to inform you there was yet another break in at the HOA office." She leans toward a small grove of ficus plants sitting to the right of the podium, "And if anyone is unable to attend, the meetings are livecast at our website." ---- Murdoch-Jones wins re-election with 2.6 million votes out of 58 eligible voters. ---- "I have upsetting news: The Suharto City Sanitation Department found a box of human feet abandoned curb-side last Tuesday. As a courtesy, I remind you that Tuesday pickups are for trash and recycling. Lawn clippings, furniture, and biomatter are on the first Friday of every month. This is not a new rule, people, this comes out of your pocket." |
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Nov 20, 2017 14:53
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| # ? May 2, 2024 00:39 |
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"Listen we've got to talk to the family of the resident in 304b about his dementia. It's getting worse. He stormed into the office yesterday claiming that we bugged his toaster, blender, and washer and dryer, and have been selling his secrets to the Russians. We've only bugged his toaster and his secrets are going to the Ukrainians."
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Nov 20, 2017 15:13
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Amending the ordinance on radio antenna towers to cover numbers stations too, since a certain somebody kept insisting "it's not a ham tower so it's not against the rules" |
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Nov 20, 2017 15:15
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The neighborhood watch has troubling ties to the Moroccan government. |
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Nov 20, 2017 16:04
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"Is there anyone here who ISN'T named John Smith?" |
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Nov 20, 2017 16:07
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Some teenagers egg a house and are later found two miles outside of town unharmed apart from the concrete shoes. |
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Nov 20, 2017 16:10
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The only town in America where every menu is written in Siciliano or Russian. The galubtsi with arancini is pretty good though. |
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Nov 20, 2017 16:17
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resolution to levy a fine against the johnsons for failing to mow their listening devices and trim their spy cameras
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Nov 20, 2017 16:19
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The height of people's grass is constantly precisely monitored by a mission impossible style laser grid |
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Nov 20, 2017 16:20
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"Wow, Jillian," John Smith said, "get a load of that bluebird! What a lovely shade of blue! ... Jillian?"
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Nov 20, 2017 16:27
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Mr. Jones: Good morning, Mr. Smith. How are you today? Mr. Smith: Who wants to know! I mean, uh- hi. I'm alright? Mr. Jones: You'll get the hang of it. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Nov 20, 2017 19:26
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Man, you folks really like trench coats out here. -- Kevin, who isn't invited back any more |
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Nov 20, 2017 20:17
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Four surveillance cameras, two Watcher drones, and yet my Sunday paper is still stolen. |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:07
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Every grandma in the subdivision has a hidden duffle bag with a spare photo album, spare recipes, and a lifetime of fullfilling memories just in case they have to bug out. |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:08
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:Four surveillance cameras, two Watcher drones, and yet my Sunday paper is still stolen. actually the sunday paper is now being delivered on microfilm check your dead drop |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:09
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Shady Bridge, the only retirement village that requires a top secret security clearance so your kids can play Pokemon Go! |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:29
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You should just assume the eggnog is poisoned. |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:37
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there's a knock on the door it's the mail carrier here to deliver a package john prepares to knock him out in order to take his uniform and impersonate him so as to catch a peek at neighbor linda's interior christmas decorations in progress he opens the door and before he can ready the chloroform he realizes that the mail carrier looks very familiar in fact it's Linda herself!! "starting to look festive in here... John" she said with a grin, she tosses a package on the porch and walks away |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:43
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"This Christmas parade of homes is going to be the 2010 Punkin' Patch all over again." Everyone takes off their hats and mumbles prayers. |
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Nov 20, 2017 21:47
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Mr Jones and Mr Ivanov live side by side. Each has amassed a sizeable amount of of garden gnomes, yet neither of them actually puts them in their yard for fear of retaliation - they just keep them in their shed. Of course, at the HOA meetings they complain about the amount of garden gnomes the other has ("What if he puts them out?" "If he puts out his gnomes I'm going to put out mine"). Meanwhile, Mr. Castro down the street signs off on yet another massive shipment of gnomes, grinning at the two houses as he does so.
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Nov 20, 2017 22:10
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You need a top secret clearance to read most of the restricted covenants. Almost all of the text of the subdivision documents on file at the county clerk's office is redacted. |
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Nov 20, 2017 22:10
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UWBW posted:Mr Jones and Mr Ivanov live side by side. Each has amassed a sizeable amount of of garden gnomes, yet neither of them actually puts them in their yard for fear of retaliation - they just keep them in their shed. Of course, at the HOA meetings they complain about the amount of garden gnomes the other has ("What if he puts them out?" "If he puts out his gnomes I'm going to put out mine"). |
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Nov 20, 2017 22:32
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Cartons of milk at the local convenience store bear a label that reads "Have you seen this boy?" with fine print underneath that reads "Please request archive access from a Level 3 HOA Official at your local post office to see this picture".
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Nov 20, 2017 22:57
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You know, it's the darndest thing - Mr. Dillinger pointed out that Ms. Tweedy's lawn was mowed improperly one week, and the next week Ms. Tweedy's lawn was impeccable and Mr. Dillinger had an unfortunate lawnmower accident that caused his lawn to go un-mowed for a month. I asked him about it once, and he got a real strange look on his face, said he "couldn't remember ever pointing that out" and rushed out of the room to return some VHS tapes.
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Nov 20, 2017 23:01
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MEMO Shady Bridge Home Owners Association To: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson 123 Apple Way City Name redacted 5-digit zip code redacted RE: Lawn Ornament, Pink Flamingo, one each Dear Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, It has come to our attention that you have chosen to display a lawn ornament, specifically, a plastic mass produced pink flamingo, on your front lawn. As you are no doubt aware, displaying of such lawn accoutrements is well within your rights as home owners so long as such ornaments are in fact, ornaments, and not other items in violation of HOA rules. This includes, but is not limited to items that may be used for surveillence, observation, intent to blackmail, subterfuge, cooercion and of course deadly force. Your neighbors are concerned to walk their dogs past your property for fear that the lawn ornament in question may be more than it appears to be. Since you did not file supplemental paperwork required for such exotic equipment we have no reason to believe this is currently the case, unless of course there was in fact an oversight on your part. If so please leave the required paperwork on the second shelf of your medicine cabinet next to the Alka-Seltzer where it will be filed promptly and without incident. You have 8 standard hours to reply to this message. This memo will self destruct in 10 seconds. Have a nic https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Nov 20, 2017 23:03
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Too many black Lincoln and ZiL stretch limousines parking in the village would highlight who is on which side too readily, so everyone is currently in an informal red Kia-driving detente.
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Nov 21, 2017 03:48
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I feel like Shady Bridge must be in Shaggy Butte, and the dog classifieds are methods of transmitting coded messages.
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Nov 21, 2017 06:42
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Bacon Taco posted:I feel like Shady Bridge must be in Shaggy Butte, and the dog classifieds are methods of transmitting coded messages. If you decode the dog classifieds you can find a coded message for the best coupons to use at Ralph's next week before they make the deals public.
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Nov 21, 2017 07:45
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We interrupt the channel 4 weather team to bring you a public bulletin: The Shady Bridge Secret Santa Committee has been disbanded by neighborhood watch captain Timo Salvanius. The Santa Committee planning board is safe and unharmed. Historical Santa records are secure and undisturbed. Normal holiday cheer may resume after 2 PM today. |
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Nov 21, 2017 15:40
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Bill, who is new here, "Thanks for inviting me over for poker guys. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this place, but you know I can't find an accountant. Who do you all use?" Everyone just laughs, but there's now a gun on the table. |
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Nov 21, 2017 17:14
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The local clothing store does a brisk trade in combination sock garter-ankle holsters. Anyone buying a house in Shady Bridge should have the property surveyed for existing septic tanks and buried crates of Kalashnikovs. John Smith up the street had the dentist install a Centrum Silver capsule in his tooth. |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:27
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The HOA bans storing boats in your driveway, but turns a blind eye to unlabeled crates. |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:32
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The only gated community patrolled by die Grenztruppen. |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:36
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The county executive once proposed some major construction work across the street from Shady Bridge. The next day, the county executive changed her mind, and forbade construction in that area. This in itself was not so strange except that in that on night, the county executive had grown two inches, lost 50 pounds, and was now a woman. When pressed, county officials began sweating profusely and kept saying "How bout that sports?" while spilling coffee from their shaking hands.
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Nov 21, 2017 21:37
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"Did you hear? They want to take away John Smith's driver's license! All he did was accidentally flip the anti-personnel missile switch on his car instead of dropping an oil slick, and it's not like there was anyone in that John Smith's Legitimate Business when the missile hit it anyhow." |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:41
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Majuju posted:"Did you hear? They want to take away John Smith's driver's license! All he did was accidentally flip the anti-personnel missile switch on his car instead of dropping an oil slick, and it's not like there was anyone in that John Smith's Legitimate Business when the missile hit it anyhow." Was that the Legitimate Business on 14th street or 19th? I always get those confused - they sell the exact same pieces of old furniture that no one actually buys.
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Nov 21, 2017 21:44
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A flock of geese circled over Shady Bridge eyeing the swimming pool with interest. Crackers Sr. urged the other geese on. You don't fool around on a migration he said. But Crackers Jr. was having none of it. He was still a young goose, but already a swan at heart. No old pigeon was going to tell him what to do. Crackers Jr. spiraled down down down toward that perfect green lawn, that perfect white tile, that perfect blue pool. He scanned the cul-de-sac with long, lazy glances. Nothing to be worried about. One webbed toe dipped onto the emerald lawn. He never saw the shooter. Far above, Crackers Sr. watched his arrogant son explode into a comforter's worth of feathers. There was no time to mourn, he had a flock to tend. Besides, he'd been warned. Everyone knows you don't mess around on a migration. |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:51
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UWBW posted:Was that the Legitimate Business on 14th street or 19th? I always get those confused - they sell the exact same pieces of old furniture that no one actually buys. Oh, uh, I don't recall, actually. *later, at the bridge club* Ladies! You'll never guess who doesn't have Argyle-level security clearance! |
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Nov 21, 2017 21:54
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A lot of our HOA fees go to the guys who carry large panes of glass and stack crates of watermelons back and forth across the just-barely-car-width alleyway at the edge the neighborhood, but let me tell you it's worth every penny |
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Nov 22, 2017 13:04
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| # ? May 2, 2024 00:39 |
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Traditionally the HOA president begins every meeting by faking their own death. Kind of a running gag. Terry hasn't gotten up for about ten minutes now and people are starting to wonder, but I know that if Greg were going to do that he wouldn't have used something so uncouth as a pistol, nor would he have made his"argument" with her earlier this week quite so obvious. |
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Nov 22, 2017 13:08
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