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Elizabeth Murdoch-Jones, HOA president, "I regret to inform you there was yet another break in at the HOA office."
She leans toward a small grove of ficus plants sitting to the right of the podium, "And if anyone is unable to attend, the meetings are livecast at our website."
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Murdoch-Jones wins re-election with 2.6 million votes out of 58 eligible voters.
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"I have upsetting news: The Suharto City Sanitation Department found a box of human feet abandoned curb-side last Tuesday. As a courtesy, I remind you that Tuesday pickups are for trash and recycling. Lawn clippings, furniture, and biomatter are on the first Friday of every month. This is not a new rule, people, this comes out of your pocket."
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Nov 20, 2017 14:53
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May 22, 2024 09:46
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The neighborhood watch has troubling ties to the Moroccan government.
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Nov 20, 2017 16:04
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"Is there anyone here who ISN'T named John Smith?"
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Nov 20, 2017 16:07
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Some teenagers egg a house and are later found two miles outside of town unharmed apart from the concrete shoes.
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Nov 20, 2017 16:10
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The only town in America where every menu is written in Siciliano or Russian. The galubtsi with arancini is pretty good though.
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Nov 20, 2017 16:17
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Man, you folks really like trench coats out here.
-- Kevin, who isn't invited back any more
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Nov 20, 2017 20:17
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Four surveillance cameras, two Watcher drones, and yet my Sunday paper is still stolen.
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Nov 20, 2017 21:07
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Every grandma in the subdivision has a hidden duffle bag with a spare photo album, spare recipes, and a lifetime of fullfilling memories just in case they have to bug out.
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Nov 20, 2017 21:08
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You should just assume the eggnog is poisoned.
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Nov 20, 2017 21:37
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"This Christmas parade of homes is going to be the 2010 Punkin' Patch all over again."
Everyone takes off their hats and mumbles prayers.
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Nov 20, 2017 21:47
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Mr Jones and Mr Ivanov live side by side. Each has amassed a sizeable amount of of garden gnomes, yet neither of them actually puts them in their yard for fear of retaliation - they just keep them in their shed. Of course, at the HOA meetings they complain about the amount of garden gnomes the other has ("What if he puts them out?" "If he puts out his gnomes I'm going to put out mine").
Meanwhile, Mr. Castro down the street signs off on yet another massive shipment of gnomes, grinning at the two houses as he does so.
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Nov 20, 2017 22:32
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We interrupt the channel 4 weather team to bring you a public bulletin: The Shady Bridge Secret Santa Committee has been disbanded by neighborhood watch captain Timo Salvanius. The Santa Committee planning board is safe and unharmed. Historical Santa records are secure and undisturbed. Normal holiday cheer may resume after 2 PM today.
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Nov 21, 2017 15:40
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Bill, who is new here, "Thanks for inviting me over for poker guys. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this place, but you know I can't find an accountant. Who do you all use?"
Everyone just laughs, but there's now a gun on the table.
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Nov 21, 2017 17:14
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The HOA bans storing boats in your driveway, but turns a blind eye to unlabeled crates.
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Nov 21, 2017 21:32
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The only gated community patrolled by die Grenztruppen.
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Nov 21, 2017 21:36
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A flock of geese circled over Shady Bridge eyeing the swimming pool with interest.
Crackers Sr. urged the other geese on. You don't fool around on a migration he said. But Crackers Jr. was having none of it. He was still a young goose, but already a swan at heart. No old pigeon was going to tell him what to do.
Crackers Jr. spiraled down down down toward that perfect green lawn, that perfect white tile, that perfect blue pool. He scanned the cul-de-sac with long, lazy glances. Nothing to be worried about. One webbed toe dipped onto the emerald lawn.
He never saw the shooter.
Far above, Crackers Sr. watched his arrogant son explode into a comforter's worth of feathers. There was no time to mourn, he had a flock to tend. Besides, he'd been warned. Everyone knows you don't mess around on a migration.
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Nov 21, 2017 21:51
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This area is not zoned for walking eyes and you drat well know that, Peter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f77gw2Pp3aY
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Nov 22, 2017 15:40
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A pod shaped like a skull streaks through the evening sky and gouges a crater in Mr. McMurty's backyard. Jason, Mr. McMurty's son, emerges from the skull pod wearing a crisp tuxedo and a paisley waistcoat. Jason surveys the damage, shrugs, and enters the garage.
Across the way, Mr. Smith prepares his third letter to the HOA this month.
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Nov 22, 2017 20:49
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"Who's that, Nan?"
"That's me and JFK at the 1968 World's Fair."
"Hey wait a minute-"
"Who wants some pie?"
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Nov 24, 2017 21:35
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Parent-teacher conferences are held in Mexico City and the specific location isn't disclosed until the morning of the appointment.
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Someone trips and falls, and twenty bystanders instinctively scan the nearby rooftops.
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Nov 26, 2017 19:02
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May 22, 2024 09:46
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You drop a kid off at 7 and you get a kid back at 3, but no one guarantees it will be the same kid.
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Nov 27, 2017 17:31
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Nov 20, 2017 14:53
