|
For months I have been hearing the sounds of slow-moving and largely ineffective karate kicks from my basement and today I went downstairs with a flashlight and there was Mr. Seagal, just roundhouse kicking an anime body pillow into submission. I think he was crying. I don't think he noticed me, he was really into whatever it was he was doing there, but I think I'm not gonna tell him I know he's living down there. He seems like he has enough going on in his life. BYOB, what famous celebrities live in your basements, and how did you find out? What did you do? |
#
?
Dec 1, 2017 20:53
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 5, 2024 19:19 |
|
|
Wait, Steven's in your basement now? Is he still rubbing vodka all over himself for hygiene purposes, rather than taking a bath or shower?
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2017 21:55
|
|
|
Kthulhu5000 posted:Wait, Steven's in your basement now? Is he still rubbing vodka all over himself for hygiene purposes, rather than taking a bath or shower? I think it's still the vodka thing. It smells pretty bad down there, like a cat peed on a bunch of old potatoes. The Steven Seagal Scent.
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2017 23:12
|
|
|
That's a goddamn shame. I had a talk with him the last time I went down to my basement to find a basketball. I accidentally walked in on him stumble down drunk, wearing nothing but Christmas lights, foil streamers, and a mismatched pair of my socks (mystery of the sock-eating dryers solved, oho). He was doing his glare at his reflection in the big old cathode ray tube TV he had down there, but it wasn't very good glaring. No intensity to it, and without that, you've just got Steven - no Seagal at all. It probably didn't help that he was mumbling all manner of unpleasant gendered insults at himself under his breath. So I took five minutes out of my day and had a heart-to-heart with him. I told him that even if he felt like America didn't care about Steven Seagal the washed up action movie actor, I still cared about him as a human being, and it hurt me to see him so down. I had him lay down on the pile of blankets he used for a bed, told him to dream sweet dreams, and that when he woke up, he should believe that he is Steven Seagal, and he will sort things out and land on his feet. "Like you always do in your movies", I distinctly recall saying. Anyhow, that was about five hours ago. I just checked and, yep, he's not in my basement anymore. I guess he did land on his feet, by using them to run away from my basement and into yours. Just continuing to run away from those problems that are eating him up from the inside, which is exactly what I told him not to do. ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Dec 1, 2017 23:55
|
|
|
Ok, update on the situation. I don't really like Steven, you know, but I wanted to give him a few kind words so maybe he could, as you said, find his feet again. I was gonna say something about "Remember that time you got featured on Family Guy fighting seals" or something like that. I don't know, I 'm not great at reassurances. Well, I go down the stairs and what do I see? Seagal and Rob Schneider sitting on a couch and drinking bottles of Rheingold Extra Dry. Seriously, Rheingold. I didn't even know they still made the stuff. In truth, I don't think they do - I think ol' Steve's been sittin on a case of those extra drys for years. Decades, even. Also, the couch is a mystery, because I've never even owned a red vinyl couch, much less one with so many ominous stains on it. Anyway, They were just down there in the dark, drinking away. Took me a bit by surprise. Before I could say anything, Schneider gets up, and just keep saying "Sorry!" over and over again, while backing away into the darkness. "Sorry!" he said, "Sorry. Sorry! Sorry, sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry." And within a few moments, he was gone, faded to black. Seagal didn't move, just kept looking at the ol' rheingold in his hand, swishing it about in the bottle as if trying to get all the carbonation out. He didn't even look at me. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him that night, I Just closed the door, bolted it, and went upstairs. I called my mother and told her I loved her.
|
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 00:13
|
|
|
Oh god, Schneider. Be prepared to do everything possible to keep him away, including threatening him with death, because he's an absolute human tornado that sucks everyone into his vortex of self-destructive behavior if he can. Like, this summer, I was having a merry little BBQ in the backyard. Even Steven had his basement window propped open, so he could get some food and drinks and socialize a bit with the guests. It was going to be a great thing. I had optimistic hopes, that this would be a small step towards drawing Steven back above-ground and getting things going in his life again. And then Rob Schneider showed up. Things were cordial at first, with him apologizing for arriving unannounced when I asked what he was doing there (because this was supposed to be a bit of a private, exclusive BBQ, and I know he wasn't on the guest list). He said that he thought it was widely known that he has an open invitation wherever Steven Seagal was at. I asked Steven about this. He didn't make eye contact with me or really give me an affirmative response, but I took the sharp sniff he gave me as confirmation that this was true. Or maybe he was trying to tell me it was something I didn't want to get involved with, but that he couldn't openly talk about. But yeah, Rob Schneider. Things initially went pretty well after he showed up, but once the liquor started pouring into him (which it began to do in mere minutes), he became insufferable. First, he did that "making copies" sketch, and everyone had a good laugh. And then he kept it going, even when people didn't ask for it and began to overtly walk away from him lest they be subjected to it. Things came to a head when he did a line of cocaine off the kid's table. It shut him up about "making copies", but he was obviously agitated and on edge from it. And when my neighbors' dogs began to bark a bit for whatever reason, that really got the snowball rolling towards disaster. Because he went up to my neighbors fence and began to yell at them about the barking and how it was aggravating his sinuses. They tried to quiet their dogs and apologized, which should have ended the whole incident, but Schneider claimed he was "on a loving roll now" and upped the ante by threatening to kill them and their dogs in a quite graphic (and sexual) manner. They responded back, and finally my neighbor's wife blew her top and said that if he didn't shut his vulgar mouth she would get her gun and do it for him. Schneider basically stopped, stared right at them with that big dumb wide-eyed expression that he coasted for too long with, and said he'd love for her to do it. She looked like she would have, too, but her husband managed to talk her down enough to coax her inside to cool down. Schneider smirked, turned around, and downed a mug of fruit punch and vodka, in a 1:75 ratio. Drunk and high, he then proceeded to loudly talk about the cast of "Beverly Hills 90210", and all the horribly deviant sexual stuff he was going to do to former show actress Jennie Garth if he ran across her. Which was really pretty terrible, because Jennie Garth was also at my BBQ and heard it all. And did she looked primed to kill. She and her husband were talking quietly together, and I swear I saw Jennie mouth "call Shannon Doherty on him, just five K", while her husband was vigorously shaking his head no, as if trying to dissuade her from something. Anyhow, I had enough by that point, and I didn't even politely ask him to go. I dragged him by the back of his stupid polo shirt out to the street, slammed him down to the ground (not hard, he was already insanely intoxicated), and told him I was going to call the police. Schneider got up, told me to "get et" (I think he was trying to tell me something else, but failed), and began to sway-walk to his car. I tried to stop him from his attempted drunk-driving, but he was surprisingly strong and agile and threw me off. He entered his car and slammed the locks shut, then drunkenly tried to get his keys into the ignition. It probably didn't help that he was trying to put them in backwards. I yelled for someone to call the police to stop him, and then I saw my neighbor's door swing open and his wife ran out with a revolver. She emptied all six rounds in the cylinder into the engine hood of Rob Schneider's vehicle. He stopped trying to start his car, got out, and stared at her for a minute. Then he leaned over in a bow, as if to say "Good show!", and fell over passed out. Long story short: 1. My BBQ was ruined by Rob Scheider. This made me sad. 2. Steven Seagal retreated further into himself. This made me sadder. 3. The police declined to arrest my neighbor's wife or file charges against her for shooting Schneider's car. It happens too often to deal with, they said. 4. One of my guests, too drunk to drive, requested a pickup from Uber. The app identified his driver as being one "Bob Schanders", and that he had already arrived at the location and been idling there for two hours. I guess Schneider was on the Uber clock through all of this. Kthulhu5000 fucked around with this message at 01:27 on Dec 2, 2017 ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 01:24
|
|
|
My basement is infested with Steven Segals and it is upsetting my Keanu Reeves collection!
|
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 10:29
|
|
|
a flock of segals |
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 17:42
|
|
|
|
canyoneer posted:a flock of segals
|
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 17:55
|
|
|
canyoneer posted:a flock of segals ---------------- |
|
#
?
Dec 2, 2017 21:50
|
|
|
Don't stop believin' Steven, you can hold onto canyoneer posted:a flock of segals ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2017 05:28
|
|
|
i feel for you man. i had my share of washed out has-beens hiding in my shed or running thru my garbage at night. last week i was forced to call the police on a very agitated and blitzed out tom cruise as he was figthing a racoon over some old 'za in my driveway. breaks my heart |
|
#
?
Dec 3, 2017 14:59
|
|
|
I didn't realize how pervasive this problem was. Just the other night I went out to my shed to get something, turned on the light, and surprised a very skittish Tia Carrere. She was squatting in a corner eating dry freeze-dried mac & cheese out of a 5-pound can. I was a little mad she broke into my emergency earthquake food but more concerned for her well-being. I asked her how she was doing, and she snarled and ran past me, vaulting over the fence to the neighbors' yard. She left the half-eaten can of emergency provisions, but I wish she'd have taken it with her, because what I am going to do with a half-eaten and already-opened can of emergency food?
|
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2017 18:43
|
|
|
|
Bacon Taco posted:I didn't realize how pervasive this problem was. Just the other night I went out to my shed to get something, turned on the light, and surprised a very skittish Tia Carrere. She was squatting in a corner eating dry freeze-dried mac & cheese out of a 5-pound can. I was a little mad she broke into my emergency earthquake food but more concerned for her well-being. I asked her how she was doing, and she snarled and ran past me, vaulting over the fence to the neighbors' yard. She left the half-eaten can of emergency provisions, but I wish she'd have taken it with her, because what I am going to do with a half-eaten and already-opened can of emergency food? Leave the open can of mac and cheese and a script for Wayne's World 3 in a no harm celeb trap. That way the Tia Carrere can be released back into the wild of the Dancing with the Stars green room without harming the celeb.
|
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2017 18:52
|
|
|
|
Right now I have a Jean Claude Van Damme living in my basement. It's alright, nothing really weird has happened, he tries to teach me some martial arts stuff but just ends up seriously injuring me, I just chalk that up to him being overly enthusiastic and overestimating how strong I am (which I take as a compliment). Although, one time my brother and his wife came over for dinner, and I guess he just wanted to impress them or something - I always tell him how I used to wrestle with my brother and how much stronger he is than me (which in hindsight must have really intimidated Jean Claude, considering how strong he thought I was) - but as soon as their in the door I just hear this little Belgian scream "BISOOOOONNNNN" and fly past me, missing my brother and landing a flying scissorkick square in my sister-in-law's chest. My brother's furious, I'm embarrassed, my sister-in-law's out cold and twitching, and Jean Claude is just loudly complaining about how no one in my family knows how to fall correctly. Aside from that it's been ok I guess. |
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2017 19:04
|
|
|
|
John travolta won’t stop doing his fake laugh from battlefield earth into the vents while my family tries to sleep |
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2017 20:53
|
|
|
|
Larry King's living disembodied head has taken up residence in my air vents.
|
|
#
?
Dec 5, 2017 21:40
|
|
|
|
i need to get up early and really want to go to bed but instead i'm staying up listening patiently to chris kattan and trying to convince him to break out of the type-cast box he's bricked himself into, occasionally checking my watch surreptitiously, pretending that i'd not rather be in bed because i really would
|
|
#
?
Dec 6, 2017 00:16
|
|
|
|
chris, for the last time i will not call you corky, don't you see that that's part of hte problem! anyway it's getting pretyt late and... no no nevermind it's fine keep going
|
|
#
?
Dec 6, 2017 00:17
|
|
|
I moved my Keanu Reeve collection upstairs and had the pound come pick up all the Steven Seagals (they will be given shots and then rehomed) but after they left I found out they left behind a Leonardo DiCaprio infestation.  Ignore the John Cena he just showed up and started flexing. |
|
#
?
Dec 6, 2017 01:11
|
|
|
|
Bacon Taco posted:I didn't realize how pervasive this problem was. Just the other night I went out to my shed to get something, turned on the light, and surprised a very skittish Tia Carrere. She was squatting in a corner eating dry freeze-dried mac & cheese out of a 5-pound can. I was a little mad she broke into my emergency earthquake food but more concerned for her well-being. I asked her how she was doing, and she snarled and ran past me, vaulting over the fence to the neighbors' yard. She left the half-eaten can of emergency provisions, but I wish she'd have taken it with her, because what I am going to do with a half-eaten and already-opened can of emergency food? Koishi Komeiji posted:Leave the open can of mac and cheese and a script for Wayne's World 3 in a no harm celeb trap. That way the Tia Carrere can be released back into the wild of the Dancing with the Stars green room without harming the celeb. lol |
|
#
?
Dec 6, 2017 01:30
|
|
|
|
“Listen up baby bird, you got about 3 seconds to stop singin before I make you lay an egg,” Seagal drawls at UWBW. UWBW begs, “Steven you need to eat. I made this for you” “Man, you remind me of my brother. Real sweetheart but one dumb mothafucka” UWBW hangs his head as he turns back up the stairs. He sees the orange light bouncing off Seagal’s special ops glasses onto the basement wall before he gets upstairs and notices Steven is still looking. He leaves the plate on the top step and hopes to god that Steven remembers how to use anything not bottle shaped |
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2017 01:28
|
|
|
michael jackson died in my basement. he went in thru the little window but didnt exactly nail the landing. i usually leave it open for him, even when im out of town like on that weekend. strange how something so routine gets you in the end
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Dec 13, 2017 18:55
|
|
|
|
That strange guy posted:I moved my Keanu Reeve collection upstairs and had the pound come pick up all the Steven Seagals (they will be given shots and then rehomed) but after they left I found out they left behind a Leonardo DiCaprio infestation. whats that harry potter doing there? |
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2017 06:36
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 5, 2024 19:19 |
|
|
Darkman Fanpage posted:whats that harry potter doing there? That's Jerry Pooter an independent character I invented. |
|
#
?
Dec 14, 2017 23:55
|
|