Fart Garfunkel: Hello Flatulence, My Old Friend

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Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

I cut one in front of my drill sergeant in boot camp. It is incredibly hard not to laugh at farts in boot camp.

# ¿ Feb 19, 2018 23:04

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 09:07

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

1gnoirents posted:

I poo poo my pants on a worksite. It was the New Orleans convention center during the "Southern Baptist Convention". It felt like a small fart, but then it kind of felt like a small high pressure bubble (?), then it popped and a torrent of liquid shitstorm squirted right out of my rear end in a top hat. I guess I could best describe it as opening a 2 liter that somebody put in a paint mixer.

I got straight up and walked straight out of the place to the convention hotel without talking to anybody and took like an hour long shower. They were khakis too. I finished up and went back to work.

Nobody said a word

This had me rolling omg. The other posts here are great too, since I have the sense of humor of 6 year old, but holy gently caress with this one

# ¿ Feb 19, 2018 23:10

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Sleepfarts do happen. I startled myself out of a deep sleep with one.

I had a friend that would do the naked spooning thing with her boyfriend and one morning she cut one. The fart vibrations jiggled his balls and she said he lept out of bed, slapping at his junk since he had no idea what caused that sensation. Could've been a dick spider. :v:

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 02:38

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Bum the Sad posted:

Ages ago I let one rip while driving with a friend that I guess must of been silent. Because when I confessed to it he was astonished as he had been convinced we drove past a truck hauling port-a-potty's because it didn't smell like a fart, or like poo poo, but "a mixture of poo poo and piss and chemicals left to bake in the sun for days". I was pretty proud of that.

...you... you may want to get that checked out, too.

(High five, though)

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 02:45

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Bum the Sad posted:

It was roughly 10 years ago and I'm still alive so I think I'm ok...

'Tis a weapon of the Gods, then!

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 02:56

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Kak posted:

This happened to me as well except it was during a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and it went to a backup generator. The lights came back up, but the loud music didn't and this place had the reverberation of an ancient cathedral. loving everyone on that floor turned around and looked. I know this because the entire wall I was facing was a mirror. I was too tired to give a gently caress.

I would've done the same thing, given that circumstance.

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 03:08

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

See I thought this was going to be one of those �I tried to upstage her fathers farts and I poo poo my pants instead� posts but im glad that poo poo worked out for you and you�re fart wife.

Same. Holy gently caress lmao

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 06:47

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

In jail, you get an arraignment to hear the charges against you. You're roused out of bed around 8am or so and you're taken with other inmates to a secured room where you sit and wait for the judge to appear on a t.v. screen. The judge is actually in a courthouse building across the property. Anyway, right before he pops on, you watch a video that's similar to one you watch when dealing with a traffic ticket hearing and then you're warned not to say anything that can hurt your case from this point forward, as the room is being recorded.

Now, there's about 30 of us in this room and to speak to the judge, you leave your seat and stand in front of a microphone that's hanging from a cord. On the front row in the men's section(they kept housing departments seated seperately) there was one guy who had a massive poo poo-eating grin on his face throughout the pre-judge time video. And he kept looking at the mic. He was seated right in front of it.

Finally, a light kicks on(a blue one, some sort of "we're recording, dumbass!" symbol) and I caught the grinning man lift a cheek and rip one of those loud clappy-sounding farts. Our plastic chairs undoubtedly added to the audible punch. The whole room froze and every guard looked at the grinning guy but did nothing.

I had a hard time keeping a straight face after that and was yelled at for making a few squeaks of laughter during other people's time at the mic, but ...whatever. Farts are funny. :colbert:

I also had a cell mate for one night that would push out SBDs. She slept beneath me and I was being hotboxed by her loving rotten garbage diet(she'd order sardines off of commissary and mix them with nasty jail food) and I tried to cover my face with my blanket but that rank rear end still penetrated the fabric. I also swear my blanket had a permanent rear end stink after her little gastric sewage leaks or whatever her problem is, and traded for a new one. I also moved cells the next morning.

No one in the whole pod would sit near her and her upper bunk remained open. This is either a genius plan or her genuine nastiness.

Papa Emeritus III fucked around with this message at 14:27 on Feb 20, 2018

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 14:25

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

These stories would be amazing if you were in jail for farting. Like resisting arrest or assaulting a police officer, but it was because of a fart.

You didn't kill someone, did you?

Ninja edit: death by farts is ok.

I wonder if that guy on the plane caught any charges after farting them into an early landing. I never read the whole article. :thunk:

And no, no killings. I did a fraud thingie.

Also, jail food is notorious for the rancid farts it gives. I even hotboxed myself out of bed. Well, more like Dutch ovened myself.

It was SOS day for the menu. I ate and then laid down(breakfast is at 3 or 4am, no joke. Lunch is 9am. Dinner 3pm). I sleep with my blanket over my head to keep light out of my eyes and to keep from being cold(they keep is freezing in there). Well, at 7am, I had a gas cloud of x-grade meat farts steaming me out of bed. It woke up my bunk mate and I spent the next hour apologizing and laughing with her.

She then told me the story about the naked spooning incident I noted earlier. Fart stories. :unsmith:

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 14:45

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:

Many years ago I was visiting with my girlfriend at her parent's place for thanksgiving. A couple hours after the feast her father (a no nonsense southerner) just belts out a powerful rip. Me being impressed quickly replied, "nice push!" . Then eventually I let one out which almost rivaled his but I didn't want to upstage the king in his own court out of respect.

We're all chuckling from this when all of a sudden my girlfriend quickly sits on my lap, looks at me with a loving gaze, and pushes out the biggest, loudest "BRRRRRAAAAAAAAP!!!" vibrating my junk like a Hitachi massage wand on full blast. A sudden wave of shock, confusion, disgust and arousal all hit me in a split second and then right before anybody could respond in laughter, the smell forced it's way up my nose. A bouquet of thanksgiving sewage which smelled worse than a dead animal baking in the hot summer sun.

Before I could even say anything I was immediately gagging, trying to not vomit while pinned down by her still warm and musty rear end which prohibited my escape. I was desperate at this point, this wasn't funny, I needed to escape for my own survival. By the time I struggled away I could see her and her father doubled over in laughter, beet red faces with tears streaming down their cheeks. I got schooled that day.

Then 4 years later, I married her

I just wanted to add that I am having a rough morning and had a lovely night. But this post laughed me into a cheerful mood in spite of that poo poo.

This thread rules. :ghost:

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 15:20

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:

^^^ aww well shucks

I even read it out loud to a friend. It was grand.

For another story, I was in the lobby of a social service type building in Largo, FL. I drove a friend there and she had an appointment with ...whatever. While she was in the back, I remained in the lobby and a guy sitting next to me started up some small talk. Off to my left, an obese guy shuffled by in one of those push-walker thingies, found a seat, and plopped himself down.

I continue to chat with the stranger nearby, trying to ignore the snoring coming out of the obese guy. He fell asleep within 4 minutes of sitting there. Then..

Me: So, yeah, I think there's--

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP--

Me: ... :stare:

Stranger dude: ...oh jesus.. :stare:

---PPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFTTT---

Me: ! :stare:

Stranger dude: ....oh wow... what- :stare:

--TTTTTTPPPPPPPPTHHHHHH--

Me: (at this point, I'm laughing way too hard to breathe)
Stranger dude: ...seriously, what is going on?

----HHHFFFFPPPPPP.....*squeak!*

The guy next to me was mostly confused as to how someone could fart for so long. The little reception window suddenly slammed closed and the lady inside took off. I assume out of fear or wanting to laugh. The obese guy never woke up and continued snoring away. I eventually stopped laughing about 20 minutes later.

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 15:41

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Bonzo posted:

sleep apnea but for your butt?

Guess you need a CCRAP machine

lol. I'm wondering if he just does that poo poo all the time so he doesn't feel it now and fails to wake up. I can't explain how long and loud that poo poo was, though.

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 16:42

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

CollegeCop posted:

Fart Stories!

1 - One of the dining halls in college would occasionally have an all-you-can-eat taco bar (for the price of a regular meal). I went to one of these events for dinner one day, and filled up on all the mexican food I could.

The next day one of my friends asked me to come with him to an open house/cookout for some club he wanted to join. By the time we got to the house, I was feeling the rumbles down below that indicated that I had processed all that spicy food. No big deal - it was a cookout, we would be outside, no problem. I hung on the outer edges of the crowd, quietly dropping air biscuits that dissipated without incident. Being outside probably lulled me into a false sense of security, because i didn't smell anything from my farts.

Then my friend wanted to go inside and look at some trophy case or something. I thought I had purged most of the evil from my system, so I went in with him. We were standing in the living room looking at the display case when I felt the pressure build. Quickly looking around, I didn't see anyone else in the immediate area, so I figured I would let a small one rip.

What followed was loud and long. A full 30 seconds of cheek flapping symphonic wonder. My friends eyes slowly got bigger and bigger as he stared at me in awe. Just when I thought his eyes couldn't get any bigger, the smell hit him, and I thought his eyes were literally going to pop out of his head. He later described it as, "A year-old hard boiled egg, stewed in a porta-john for the month of August, and covered in burning tire rubber."

As I started giggling uncontrollably, from the next room I heard, "Oh, Jesus, what the gently caress is that?" That's when I realized that a) The air conditioning was on in the house and b) I was standing on the air return vent. My friend and I beat a hasty retreat out the front door and watched as the hvac system spread the evil and every occupant of the house abandoned ship. As they were wondering what the hell had happened, we quietly slipped away.

My friend did not join the club.

2 - One Sunday afternoon I drug myself out of bed after two full nights of revelry. Unknown amounts of various beers and unidentified foodstuffs eaten from roller-grills at gas stations after last call had combined to give me not only a horrible hangover, but also quite a bit of intestinal distress. I also had nothing in the fridge or the cupboards of my apartment. So bolstered by some aspirin and black coffee, I headed out to the local grocery store for supplies.

As I slogged my way down the cereal aisle, I suddenly had the urge to fart. I struggled with the feeling for a while, not sure if I could trust my sphincter to properly sort liquid from solid, and eventually decided to go ahead and give in. What followed was ... disappointing. A little tiny hiss, the merest hint of a whisper , and not satisfying at all. As I stood there contemplating if that was all, or if more was to come, the smell hit me.

It wasn't just a wall of smell, it was Great Wall of China smell. If you could see a smell, this one would have been visible from outer space. It was a runaway Mack Truck of olfactory assaults. My eyes began to water as I desperately gasped to breathe. Self preservation took over, and my feet began moving of their own accord toward the end of the aisle. I went into the next aisle and tried to make sense of what had just happened. Did my body really produce whatever the hell that was, or was I still drunk and imagining things.

As I stood there, taking stock of the situation and trying to catch my breath, from the aisle I had just abandoned came a woman's voice, proper, with just a hint of southern twang to it, "Oh, dear Lord."

That was it. I had to abandon my cart. I sprinted from the store to my car, where I sat for at least 20 minutes howling with laughter, and another 10 minutes fighting the giggles. I eventually got myself under control and drove to another store to do my shopping.

3 - My sister was getting married, and I attended my future Brother-In-Law's bachelor party. A very long night of domestic beer, bar food, and an ill-conceived late night call to Domino's for pizza left me feeling rather under the weather. As I was laying in bed trying to recover, I began to fart. They were loud and voluminous, but with very little smell.

Then my sister showed up. I was helping her with setting up and printing the program from the wedding. As we were standing there going over the program, I started to fart. And just kept farting. I forget was she was saying, but I went back and timed it later. It was at least 15 seconds of loudness, if not more. Time that out. It's longer than you think. And my rear end was working overtime on it. No halfway measures. Just full on "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTPPPPPPPPTHHHHHHHHHFFFFPPPPPP"

Then I started to laugh, and each laugh led to more farts, which led to more laughter. And each time I laughed, my sister got madder and madder, until finally she accused me of not taking things seriously and ruining her wedding.

We eventually got the programs done, but it was rough.

This poo poo is amazing. :allears:

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 20:55

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Noblesse Obliged posted:

Near, far, wherever you are. I belive that my fart will go on

Now I'd love to hear the whole song with fart lyrics.

# ¿ Feb 21, 2018 13:52

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Bloodfart McCoy posted:

-spreading my cheeks and pressing my sphincter up against the wet shower wall, and unleashing farts that shook the whole house.

Holy gently caress, lmfao.

Where did this idea even come from?

# ¿ Feb 21, 2018 18:32

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Sapper posted:

More importantly, how many of us are going to try this?

I know I am!

# ¿ Feb 21, 2018 19:39

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Gatekeeper posted:

i got pretty good at throwin my farts back in the day (fart into cupped hands and grasp the fart like a snowball then throw) and i loved gassing my ex girlfriend but my last name is Yeager and shes jewish and when her parents heard me threaten to gas her they insisted we not see each other anymore

That's called a "buttercup"! :eng101:

I had two older brothers that did those a lot. So did all the guys in my platoon in BCT.

# ¿ Feb 21, 2018 19:47

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:

My wife introduced those to me as "cupcakes"

Now I've learned to not trust her with offering me desserts

You two sound like an amazing couple, based on the info from this thread. :unsmith:

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 00:21

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:

The more I think about it, we both come off as a couple of gross gaseous ogres like Shrek and Fiona. But we're harmless and lovable.

I just farted. A trumpet in honor of you two.

rndmnmbr posted:

A couple of years ago, my grandmother was in the ER, literally dying. I had been holding a fart the entire time I was in the waiting room, to the point that I was clenching my rear end cheeks and duck waddling on occasion to keep the monster fart under control. Finally, they shipped her off to a bigger hospital (where she eventually did die), and my brother and I watched them load her into the ambulance, then got in his truck to follow them.

I couldn't hold it anymore, and ripped this huge stinking fart into his passenger seat.

He stares at me, then ripped this huge stinking fart into the driver seat.

It took us fifteen minutes to stop laughing and air the truck out before we could leave the hospital parking lot.

This is both sad and endearing.

# ¿ Feb 22, 2018 01:51

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Skypie posted:

Farting in the shower is a game of Russian roulette because either you get away with one that's odorless or you really unleash the beast and the hot, muggy shower air amplifies the potency

It really is. I've gased myself to the point of stepping out of the shower. Waiting. Then going back in once the fart fan in my bathroom dissipates the turd smell.

I had a friend who ate a bag of Doritos and it made him sick with some kind of food poisoning. But it all came at once. At random, in the shower. He said he felt like cutting a fart and tried to squeeze one out but immediately became nauseated and that was it; That little spasm you do to expel puke? Well, it also made him blast off a liquid rocket of poo, all up the wall of the shower while he barfed up Doritos. He said it was a sudden poo poo and puke explosion. His body blew up on the inside and only his skin was in tact, making him into a human colander of sick.

He couldn't eat Doritos again for a while.

# ¿ Feb 23, 2018 14:02

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}