| I had a great idea this morning. Why drink coffee when you can snort it? so i snorted the coffee but I forgot that coffee is not baking soda. Whooopsie! | |
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May 18, 2018 13:57
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| # ? Jun 5, 2024 12:55 |
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Ghe television gave me an EGG MCMUFFIN. i ran VERY QUICKLY over to the television to take th e EGG MCMUFFIN but a bad man snatched it away and told me i needed PILLS FOR MY MEMORY. then he said a lot of thigns TOO FAST about the PILLS FOR MY MEMORy. I could not remember because i did not have the pills. "GIVE ME MY PILLS FOR MEMORY i yelled. GIVE ME THAT EGG MCMUFFIN, bad man!" I wnet into the kitchen because I was hungry. someone put a TOILET AND BATH in my kitchen. I ATE SOAP. whoopsie!
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May 18, 2018 14:01
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"Mr. Bezos, Mr. Bezos, wake up" says my drone butler. I wake up, remembering that I am Jeffery Bezos, the Amazon guy, and a complete dumb rear end. "It is time to begin your billionaire's day," drone butler says cheerfully. "Drone butler I want to see my warehouse. I want to see the people in all of my warehouses." On the big screen in my room, I see all the people in my warehouses. "What are they doing!?!" I scream. "Why are they carrying boxes and lifting things? They are going to get hurt." "You pay them money, sir," says the Butler. "I can also call you Lord Amazon if you wish." "I am glad I pay them enough money. Please call me Lord Amazon." "You don't pay them enough money, Lord Amazon. You take some of their money back and give it to your investors. I can call you God-Emperor if you wish." "That sounds like what an absolute dumb rear end would do, Drone Butler. Call me God-Emperor, Over time I will have all the money and people will get angry and send me to the guillotine." Drone Butler clicks and whirrs. "My calculations predict that you are correct, God-Emperor." I begin to cry like a total moron. My big stupid tears are rolling down my billionaire face. "But Drone Butler. I want to be shot by a firing squad!" I wail. "Whoopsie!" ---------------- |
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May 18, 2018 14:13
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siri, define "the" |
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May 18, 2018 15:13
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alnilam posted:siri, define "the" sir this is a wendy's drive thru |
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May 18, 2018 15:13
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my posts |
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May 18, 2018 15:34
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I'm feeling tired a lot, so I've decided to get less exercise. |
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May 18, 2018 15:37
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TVsVeryOwn posted:my posts |
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May 18, 2018 16:10
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Dear Diary- Welp, I survived the Tide Pod challenge. Again. This time I remembered to NOT treat them like suppositories. I sure don't like the taste of the dang things but I tell you what- I like me a challenge! I think tomorrow I'm going to see what sorts of metal things I can stick in an electrical outlet while squatting in a puddle of water. I like you, Diary. You're my friend- you listen to me when no one else will. And I like that. And I like you! Well, until tomorrow, Diary. Night-night! Sweet dreams, too- because you're special to me. *accidently sets diary, self and house on fire* |
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May 18, 2018 18:36
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A Moleskine journal with “Whoopsie!” violently scribbled on every page |
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May 18, 2018 19:11
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dear dairy: i'll post |
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May 18, 2018 20:31
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hard day. bit my thumb by accident again. didn’t puncture skin, but it sure did hurt. I don’t know why this keeps happening. |
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May 18, 2018 23:28
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Deair Dary, this morning I wokeup and googled "join ISIS," "pressure cooker," "untraceable internet search" and "events near me with lots of vulnerable people at them" beacuse for the following reasons join ISIS - want to make sure i havent joined ISIS by mistake since last time I checked pressure cooker - work has been a real pressure cooker. Dion wont get off my loving back about fire code violations untraceable internet search - want to looka t pornography without being able to trace my steps later (pornography reduction) events near mewith lots of vulnerable people at them - need to find new support group since last support group stopped supporting my no shoes policy ---------------- |
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May 19, 2018 00:59
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Dear Diary, if you ask a cop if they're a cop, they have to tell you. Then if you ask their name, they have to give you three guesses. If you get it right, they stomp on the ground and tear themselves into pieces. This is what to do if a cop comes by to take your baby away.
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May 19, 2018 01:01
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cda posted:Deair Dary how did you get this email address. please stop contacting me |
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May 19, 2018 02:34
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| Today I decided to go back to high school, to get my high school diploma finally, so I can learn useful things and stop being a dumb rear end. But I went to an American high school! Whoopsie! | |
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May 19, 2018 04:27
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5/12 Dear Diary, I have been reading through you and saw what you had to say. While I agree with most of it, you had some pretty mean things to say about mom and dad. I remember being mad at the time, but, why do you have to bring that up? I totally forgave them, duh! Be nicer okay Diary? Bye! 5/13 Dear Diary, I read a few pages further (sorry it's taking me a while, you are kind of a boring read) and saw where you forgave mom and dad. Good for you! Also don't tell anyone but I think Kyle from history class is totes cute! I think I am crushing! Don't tell anyone! C ya! 5/14 OMG Diary! I told you not to tell anyone about Kyle and then I totally saw it on the last page and why would you go out and say that? I'm so embarrassed! You are the worst! 5/15 Dear Diary, I'm sorry I yelled at you, can we still be friends? 5/16 Diary? 5/17 ...Diary???
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May 19, 2018 04:42
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Dear Diary, Are u related to Diarrhea? Your biggest fan, A. Dumbass |
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May 19, 2018 06:05
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Twenty Four posted:5/12 |
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May 19, 2018 13:27
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cda posted:Today I decided to go back to high school, to get my high school diploma finally, so I can learn useful things and stop being a dumb rear end. But I went to an American high school! Whoopsie! lol |
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May 19, 2018 19:47
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cda posted:Deair Dary, this morning I wokeup and googled "join ISIS," "pressure cooker," "untraceable internet search" and "events near me with lots of vulnerable people at them" beacuse for the following reasons lol ---------------- |
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May 19, 2018 23:55
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Sup Diary, I had a ****ing rad time at the sk8park today (yeah im using * to bleep the word mom stop reading my journal!) I dropd in on at the 4 ft halfpipe and rolled back with my knees bending in the way thats like yeah i'm a skateboarder Gonna learn how to pop an ollie tomorrow. peace |
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May 20, 2018 06:28
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Macnult posted:Sup Diary, where did you get my diary?! |
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May 20, 2018 06:31
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Jan: Milk production very low Feb: Production still low- change feed? Mar: Seems I was ripped off by the guy who sold me 300 ducks, claiming they would give milk. Luckily I met another guy at the market who has sold me 400 geese which produce up to 3 pints a day each. Business will soon be back on track!
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May 20, 2018 15:35
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| # ? Jun 5, 2024 12:55 |
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hi diary, it's the year 2003 today. Today i registered to something awful . xom website. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ hi diary, it's me agian. how've you been? it's 20 years later in 2023 in case you didn't know. well anyway iv'e been busy hanging out on the computer on the intern t on something awful forum.
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May 20, 2018 16:23
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Awesome winter sig by Symbolic, love it!