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All Hail Ranch. Ubiquitous, terrible, unhealthy and boring, Ranch is the Condiment of America. According to Wikipedia, Ranch dressing is made of buttermilk, salt, garlic, onion, mustard, herbs (commonly chives, parsley, and dill), and spices (commonly black pepper, paprika, and ground mustard seed), mixed into a sauce based on mayonnaise. Whether as a sauce, a dressing, a drink, or an industrial lubricant, we all know, love and bathe in it. But this is the year 2018- surely we goons can do better (read: worse)!Hence this contest: Invent the successor to Ranch as the Official Condiment of America. How to enter Entries should post a recipe to make an entirely novel sauce that will supplant the vital role of Ranch in the American diet and zeitgeist. Bonus  points for actually taking photos of yourself making your new sauce and applying it to something.Scoring Entries will be scored on how well goons think the condiment will meet the desired criteria. Is the new sauce: 1. Disgusting (as measured in calorie count, ingredients, or how it feels when rubbed between your fingers/elsewhere) 2. Universal (Does it seem like your ingredient would appear on salads at Ruby Tuesdays? Can Pringles make a kind of chip flavored off of it? Can Pepsico flavor a Mountain Dew variant with it? Could it be given a different name and appear on every New American menu in the country? ) 3. American (Is the new recipe  enough? Naming, ingredients, preparation, cultural role, everything counts here.)Winner decided by thread consensus. Prize Winners receive nothing but attention and scorn. Discendo Vox fucked around with this message at 21:54 on May 21, 2018 |
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May 21, 2018 21:50
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| # ? May 6, 2024 05:53 |
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Example Entry "Rumble Sauce" One part pureed tomato One part melted butter Dash dried black pepper Salt to taste This is to be served over any food as a "hot sauce". Comfortably domestic yet "exotic" and "spicy", this sauce is perfect for service on any cuisine, at any occasion, in any setting. Also popular in mixed drinks in need of a bigger "kick". Entries: Doc Walrus posted:Gun Violence Sauce Discendo Vox fucked around with this message at 04:06 on May 24, 2018 |
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May 21, 2018 21:56
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To much pepper, I thought I believed in you Vox. Shameful. <3
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May 21, 2018 23:02
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Manuel Calavera posted:To much pepper, I thought I believed in you Vox. Shameful. well, it's an example. I don't want to claim an unfair advantage with my American Culinary Expertise.
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May 21, 2018 23:04
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If my kitchen manager lets me make an extra batch tomorrow, I will document our in-house sauce, which I feel is firmly poised to be America's Next Top Iron Ranch IdolTM
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May 21, 2018 23:08
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Hmmm I have an idea. One and a half ideas maybe. The lighting in my apartment is god awful, which will make it mood lighting in this scenario. Count me in!
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May 22, 2018 03:45
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I call it "Hot Dog Sauce." Or, alternatively, "Steak Sauce"
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May 22, 2018 05:22
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mix mayo and herseys chocolate syrup with a couple shakes of tobasco because spicy chocolate is exotic. serve over anything add in some slurried cilantro and lime juice to give it more of a "latin" kick
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May 22, 2018 19:12
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If you think I'm giving you the recipe to my chipotle-curry yum yum sauce you're loving insane.
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May 22, 2018 19:14
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Okay here's my submission. It's Called Gun Violence Sauce. It goes on everything! Recipe: 3/4 cups sour cream 1/4 cup cream 2 jalapenos, roasted, then seeded and veined so nobody calls 911 1 tsp coriander 1 tsp cumin 1 tsp paprika dash of onion powder dash of garlic powder salt and pepper to taste Add all ingredients to a food processor and blend away! Nutritional Information: A flickering red neon sign that says "BLOOD SEX" Goes great with: Microwaved steak fingers! I didn't have these in the cafeteria in middle school like many people did, so they're not utterly ruined for me.  REVIEW: Pretty solid dipping sauce. The taste is mild with a little bit of spiciness that lingers for a second. Shredded pork tacos! Don't they look wonderful? See how it shines under the stove light?  REVIEW: Works well enough, but not as well regular sour cream without all this pageantry. Even sour cream has to make way for Gun Violence Sauce, though! Salad! This is a cheap and basic Caesar salad from HEB. Just like ranch, the official condiment of the Alt-Right, Gun Violence Sauce can be either a dip or a dressing! Just add another splash of cream and some more salt + pepper so the flavor isn't diluted too much. Isn't this a nice, regular sized bowl?  REVIEW: It was going to be a boring salad either way, and Gun Violence Sauce didn't fix it. Oh well! Well that's my sauce folks! Hail Satan!
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May 23, 2018 17:00
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jerk off onto your food. if you need more store it in a goon approved vase
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May 23, 2018 19:35
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Doc Walrus posted:Okay here's my submission. It's Called Gun Violence Sauce. It goes on everything! This actually looks tasty, although I might double the jalapeños (and smoke them instead of roast them cuz I like to do that) and add some fresh chives, cilantro, parsley, and lime juice. Also replace the cream with buttermilk and add real garlic. EDIT: Oh and put some adobo sauce from a chipotle can in there. I. M. Gei fucked around with this message at 23:38 on May 23, 2018 |
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May 23, 2018 23:32
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Doc Walrus posted:Okay here's my submission. It's Called Gun Violence Sauce. It goes on everything! Jose posted:jerk off onto your food. if you need more store it in a goon approved vase Nooner posted:mix mayo and herseys chocolate syrup with a couple shakes of tobasco because spicy chocolate is exotic. serve over anything we have some really strong contenders here! Jose, Nooner, what are the names of your entries? Discendo Vox fucked around with this message at 04:07 on May 24, 2018 |
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May 24, 2018 04:04
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Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:This actually looks tasty, although I might double the jalapeños (and smoke them instead of roast them cuz I like to do that) and add some fresh chives, cilantro, parsley, and lime juice. Also replace the cream with buttermilk and add real garlic. That's all great advice for a good sauce, but I was going for more of a mass produced dollar store vibe (which is why I subbed onions and garlic for powder.)
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May 24, 2018 05:27
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this is pretty  but apparently someone actually did my ideahttps://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3833370&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=324#post484504400
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May 28, 2018 21:26
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Jose posted:this is pretty gently caress, I had a huge backlog of posts in that thread, now I have to find my spot and re-bookmark it.
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May 29, 2018 00:25
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Jose posted:this is pretty I'll link this, Jose, but I still need a condiment/sauce name for your entry.
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May 29, 2018 20:45
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I think you need at least two ingredients for a sauce, and counting the sperm doesn’t count.
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Jun 1, 2018 15:35
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the littlest prince posted:I think you need at least two ingredients for a sauce, and counting the sperm doesn’t count. The goon approved vase is the second ingredient.
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Jun 1, 2018 16:48
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One word: hozon
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Jun 2, 2018 06:18
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