getting horny for sports

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > getting horny for sports

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Wife calls in the instant replay officials to review the sex in slow motion to determine the exact moment that erectile dysfunction occurred.

"Sweetie, I think the crew of 12 with high def cameras may be contributing to my... performance anxieties..."

her: "Check out your balls from this angle, lol"

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:01

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# ? May 6, 2024 04:25

Manifisto

if you insist on proof that dota 2 is really and truly a sport, well, the evidence is in my pantgs

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:10

FutonForensic

cda posted:

My kid was poking around my bedroom yesterday while I was making dinner and she found my Louisville Slugger. Thank God I managed to convince her I just use it to massage my G-spot.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:47

HaveARottenDay

alnilam posted:

Thinking about sex to try to last longer at baseball

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:49

HaveARottenDay

Trying to hide my face with a cap and sunglasses as I browse Dick's Sporting Goods

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:52

HaveARottenDay

Clerk: Looking at bats eh? What're you into? Wood? Aluminum?

Me visibly nervous and blushing: I uhhh... I don't really shop here...

Clerk: Hey no judgement here!

*I accidentally drop the wiffle ball I was holding behind me*

Clerk: Ohh...you're into... that.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 15:59

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

Pretty hosed up how many sports teams are named after animals.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 16:04

artoke

You kids today don't know how good you have it. Back in my day we had to sneak out to watch the local team warm up before it was bedtime if we wanted some action. Now you kids can just load up the highlights on your phone and watch any team at any time. Degenerates, all of you. Never will you know the sweet shame of waiting until your parents were asleep to sneak downstairs and catch a rerun of the big game, or finding an old box of baseball cards in the woods. Call me old-fashioned, but when we wanted to have a little fun we had to find actual people, not just go on our vidya sets and play some simulated sports with anonymous partners on the internet. At least we KNEW who was catching our foul balls, if you know what I mean (I mean the ball was foul and he caught it, sorry to be so explicit).

artoke fucked around with this message at 17:14 on Jul 23, 2018

# ? Jul 23, 2018 17:09

FutonForensic

Phone: 'reddit.com/r/home_run_compilations_60fps' will be removed from learned words.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 17:26

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

Dimming the lights and spinning "The Superbowl Shuffle" on vinyl to set the mood

# ? Jul 23, 2018 18:24

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

at first i was just hiring two hookers to play a game of pingpong or some 1 on 1 basketball in front of me, then i needed more so i'd get 10 and have them play a half a game of basketball. it got worse though and by the time i realized i'd blown my entire fortune i was paying for 80 hookers a week to play an entire game of football for me. now i have nothing left and i spend my days wandering into sports bars just to catch a glimpse of a game or two before I'm thrown out.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 19:39

City of Glompton

caught my neighbors out for an evening stroll. i understand wanting to put some spice back in your marriage, but could they at least not do it where everyone can see them?

thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

# ? Jul 23, 2018 20:48

Dungeon Ecology

City of Glompton posted:

caught my neighbors out for an evening stroll. i understand wanting to put some spice back in your marriage, but could they at least not do it where everyone can see them?

they just strolled past the driveway,
the mailbox,
the neighbors fence
they COULD.... GO ... ALL ... THE ... WAY!

# ? Jul 23, 2018 20:51

google THIS

Her: *wrinkling nose* Water sports? I don't think I'd enjoy that.

Me: What? Oh, ha ha, I only meant I wanted to pee on you, erotically. *starts looking furtively for a way to hide the boating magazine I'm holding behind my back*

# ? Jul 23, 2018 21:10

Macnult

Line for sailing? heh *nervously tugs collar* nope! Just rope for sex stuff! I'd never sail without you knowing honey. Well, no you don't call it rope when s- BECAUSE I'VE HEARD PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT

# ? Jul 23, 2018 21:21

Bacon Taco: Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN

Getting only half a boner when watching bowling, because is it a game or a sport?

# ? Jul 23, 2018 22:06

Twenty Four

Jedrick posted:

Pretty hosed up how many sports teams are named after animals.

Little known fact, typically the sports team names came first, and the animals rapidly evolved and changed names to be like their heroes.

# ? Jul 23, 2018 22:43

ferroque

sports givin me spurts

# ? Jul 24, 2018 16:15

City of Glompton

everyone snickering in class when the teacher asks them to turn to the page about Baltimore Orioles, the Maryland state bird

thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

# ? Jul 24, 2018 19:11

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

her: You were in there a long time. You were reading about Lebron James signing with the Lakers on your phone weren't you? Look at how sweaty you are.

me: Uh, I don't know who that even is. LaDon Janes? Uhh, I was on my phone but not doing what you thought I was. I was just searching online to see if they'd made porn parodies of the "and Friends" from the old Garfield and Friends cartoon. What's a Laker? You know I don't care about that stuff, I'm only interested in one on one sports with you.

her: Uh huh. Sure. I'm sure that's exactly what you were doing in there. Don't hold your breath for any one on ones in the near future, boyo.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Jul 24, 2018 20:15

google THIS

I ain't paying our schools to teach our kids phys ed. You want to prevent athletic injuries, the couch potato method is 100% effective. I don't want some dang crackpot coach teachin' my son how to correctly put on a protective cup so he can run out on some field and start sinnin'.

# ? Jul 24, 2018 20:22

Macnult

City of Glompton posted:

everyone snickering in class when the teacher asks them to turn to the page about Baltimore Orioles, the Maryland state bird

using a sexy voice to shout �O!� during the national anthem

# ? Jul 24, 2018 22:01

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

That awkward moment when you can't stand up for the national anthem because you're already at "full mast"

# ? Jul 24, 2018 22:32

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Drink-Mix Man posted:

That awkward moment when you can't stand up for the national anthem because you're already at "full mast"

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Jul 24, 2018 23:06

Macnult

Drink-Mix Man posted:

That awkward moment when you can't stand up for the national anthem because you're already at "full mast"

# ? Jul 24, 2018 23:40

google THIS

Drink-Mix Man posted:

That awkward moment when you can't stand up for the national anthem because you're already at "full mast"

Interviewer: Why is it that you knelt during the national anthem?

Football Player: (remembering how they took a knee in an attempt conceal their massive pregame erection and subsequent premature two-point conversion) ...Police violence.

# ? Jul 24, 2018 23:54

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

google THIS posted:

Interviewer: Why is it that you knelt during the national anthem?

Football Player: (remembering how they took a knee in an attempt conceal their massive pregame erection and subsequent premature two-point conversion) ...Police violence.

Lol

# ? Jul 24, 2018 23:58

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

google THIS posted:

Interviewer: Why is it that you knelt during the national anthem?

Football Player: (remembering how they took a knee in an attempt conceal their massive pregame erection and subsequent premature two-point conversion) ...Police violence.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 00:01

Macnult

google THIS posted:

Interviewer: Why is it that you knelt during the national anthem?

Football Player: (remembering how they took a knee in an attempt conceal their massive pregame erection and subsequent premature two-point conversion) ...Police violence.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 00:05

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

at the canteen at the stadium pumping vaseline out of a condiment dispenser on to my footlong hot dog

# ? Jul 25, 2018 06:00

Twenty Four

Drink-Mix Man posted:

That awkward moment when you can't stand up for the national anthem because you're already at "full mast"

google THIS posted:

Interviewer: Why is it that you knelt during the national anthem?

Football Player: (remembering how they took a knee in an attempt conceal their massive pregame erection and subsequent premature two-point conversion) ...Police violence.

lol

# ? Jul 25, 2018 06:37

google THIS

I guess we know now what's really happening when soccer players start writhing on the ground for no apparent reason.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 15:51

HaveARottenDay

wife: I was up in the attic and found a box marked "bdsm stuff"...

husband: haha ohh yeah just old stuff from my sex days!

wife: ... there was a letterman jacket, 3 different championship rings and a jock strap inside. nevermind all of the trophies in there. Trophies! how long were you going to keep this from me?!

husband: YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND IF I TOLD YOU!! I CRAVE PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACKS.

wife: oh yeah??! I dont care if you ever come back!!

# ? Jul 26, 2018 17:28

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

a couple issues of sports illustrated swimsuit edition next to my bed to throw mom off my trail. i swear i only read it for the pictures

hoping she doesn't find the lebron + LA and sammy sosa sports illustrated under my mattress

# ? Jul 26, 2018 18:01

City of Glompton

HaveARottenDay posted:

wife: I was up in the attic and found a box marked "bdsm stuff"...

husband: haha ohh yeah just old stuff from my sex days!

wife: ... there was a letterman jacket, 3 different championship rings and a jock strap inside. nevermind all of the trophies in there. Trophies! how long were you going to keep this from me?!

husband: YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND IF I TOLD YOU!! I CRAVE PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACKS.lol

wife: oh yeah??! I dont care if you ever come back!!

# ? Jul 26, 2018 20:22

artoke

My wife got so angry when she found out I never uninstalled my Ballr app. I swear I only go on to look at the team photos, I never do pickup games anymore.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 20:29

google THIS

Fifty Shades of Scarlet and Gray

google THIS fucked around with this message at 22:26 on Jul 26, 2018

# ? Jul 26, 2018 22:23

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

responding to a craigslist ad for a discreet 3 on 3 men's basketball league and trying not to make eye contact with the other middle aged dads while you play

# ? Jul 26, 2018 22:40

Drink-Mix Man: You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

Signaling other closeted men in the 70s by displaying your team's colors on a hanky

# ? Jul 26, 2018 22:50

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# ? May 6, 2024 04:25

google THIS

Hoping your parents never discover the fantasy football dungeon in your basement.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 22:51

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