- Macnult
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“M... Mr. Whiskers?”
[cat spins chair around, petting a human]
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Aug 5, 2018 17:47
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 14, 2024 19:46
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- take the moon
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by sebmojo
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rubbing a cats tummy
a mournful string melody is heard
take the moon fucked around with this message at 19:24 on Aug 5, 2018
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Aug 5, 2018 18:42
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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from my garage come the sounds of metal clanking, a power drill, the skittering of claws on cement, i open the garage doors and see a half complete sinister looking robot which my dog is struggling to pull a blanket over while his tail wags furiously. before i can ask him whats going on he picks up a tennis ball with his mouth and gently rolls it towards me. yeah a game of fetch does sound really good right now.
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Aug 5, 2018 19:35
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- Pissed Ape Sexist
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My turtle has a goatee and takes lots of notes
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Aug 5, 2018 19:42
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- Macnult
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from my garage come the sounds of metal clanking, a power drill, the skittering of claws on cement, i open the garage doors and see a half complete sinister looking robot which my dog is struggling to pull a blanket over while his tail wags furiously. before i can ask him whats going on he picks up a tennis ball with his mouth and gently rolls it towards me. yeah a game of fetch does sound really good right now.
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Aug 5, 2018 20:32
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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*lookng at at an e. coli bacterium through a microscope* i think my pet might be a villain .. No wait, two villains... Four villains ...
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Aug 5, 2018 20:33
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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Turtle sharpening its shell against a rock, making eye contact the entire time.
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Aug 5, 2018 22:21
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- Macnult
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from sparkys adoption papers:
great with kids
loves other people
compatible with other dogs
friendly with cats
KEEP AWAY FROM MUTANTS
confused about the last line, but so far so good
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Aug 6, 2018 02:31
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- google THIS
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from my garage come the sounds of metal clanking, a power drill, the skittering of claws on cement, i open the garage doors and see a half complete sinister looking robot which my dog is struggling to pull a blanket over while his tail wags furiously. before i can ask him whats going on he picks up a tennis ball with his mouth and gently rolls it towards me. yeah a game of fetch does sound really good right now.
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Aug 6, 2018 02:48
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- google THIS
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The cow villain presses a button on his chair. The floor opens up below the secret agent cow, and the ropes binding him are now suspending him over a pack of vicious-looking dads, grills at the ready.
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Aug 6, 2018 03:03
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- google THIS
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Some people have pet cows I think
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Aug 6, 2018 03:04
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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The cow villain presses a button on his chair. The floor opens up below the secret agent cow, and the ropes binding him are now suspending him over a pack of vicious-looking dads, grills at the ready.
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Aug 6, 2018 03:05
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- Macnult
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The cow villain presses a button on his chair. The floor opens up below the secret agent cow, and the ropes binding him are now suspending him over a pack of vicious-looking dads, grills at the ready.
lol
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Aug 6, 2018 03:06
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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for a long time I would have sworn the only thing my parrot knew how to say was "polly want a cracker." until the other night, when I came into his room unexpectedly and found him looking intensely into a mirror and practicing monologues: "no, mister bond, I expect you to die" and so on
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Aug 6, 2018 04:11
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- Starshark
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Some people have pet cows I think
Yeah usually cattle farmers - there's always a cute one they can't send to slaughter. It's weird.
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Aug 6, 2018 14:15
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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I adopted this greyhound a few months ago and I love it to death, but it keeps chewing up my USB sticks.
*Siberian fox wearing dog ears slinks out of the room with a hard drive in its teeth*
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Aug 6, 2018 16:22
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- ferroque
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unaware girl buys cute teacup pig which grows into a massive, filthy 400lb hog
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Aug 6, 2018 18:13
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- google THIS
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I crawl on my hands and knees, clambering for the antidote to the poison my dog slipped me. My muscles grow week, my vision blurry. Finally I collapse and look back at my once loyal pet. He is still holding the vial. He never threw it at all.
"Now," he says. "Now you understand."
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Aug 6, 2018 18:19
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- Macnult
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I crawl on my hands and knees, clambering for the antidote to the poison my dog slipped me. My muscles grow week, my vision blurry. Finally I collapse and look back at my once loyal pet. He is still holding the vial. He never threw it at all.
"Now," he says. "Now you understand."
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Aug 6, 2018 18:48
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- Slush Garbo
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FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK
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I crawl on my hands and knees, clambering for the antidote to the poison my dog slipped me. My muscles grow week, my vision blurry. Finally I collapse and look back at my once loyal pet. He is still holding the vial. He never threw it at all.
"Now," he says. "Now you understand."
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Aug 6, 2018 20:39
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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I crawl on my hands and knees, clambering for the antidote to the poison my dog slipped me. My muscles grow week, my vision blurry. Finally I collapse and look back at my once loyal pet. He is still holding the vial. He never threw it at all.
"Now," he says. "Now you understand."
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Aug 6, 2018 20:47
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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I thought it was cute, the first time my pet hermit crab Hermie moved into a new shell. a tiny pink thing scuttling cautiously from its old home into a slightly roomier snail shell I'd left in its tank. but soon it stopped being so cute. it moved into my roomba, then my microwave, then my dishwasher; pretty soon it was eyeing my garage. "not the lexus!" I yelled at Hermie, but it didn't matter, he had his sights set on the pickup. and now I'm worried. we live midway between a tank manufacturer, a naval shipyard, and a military airfield, and I get nervous whichever direction he sets out in the morning.
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Aug 6, 2018 21:24
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- ShinyBirdTeeth
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sparkle sparkle sparkle
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I thought it was cute, the first time my pet hermit crab Hermie moved into a new shell. a tiny pink thing scuttling cautiously from its old home into a slightly roomier snail shell I'd left in its tank. but soon it stopped being so cute. it moved into my roomba, then my microwave, then my dishwasher; pretty soon it was eyeing my garage. "not the lexus!" I yelled at Hermie, but it didn't matter, he had his sights set on the pickup. and now I'm worried. we live midway between a tank manufacturer, a naval shipyard, and a military airfield, and I get nervous whichever direction he sets out in the morning.
I'm giggling like a fool at the thought of hermie on big wheels scooting toward a destroyer.
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Aug 6, 2018 21:53
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- Gatekeeper
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He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.
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"hello cat" i say to cat
"it's daddy you shithead. where's my bourbon?" he demands of me
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Aug 7, 2018 07:44
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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saw my dog running an assembly line with other dogs putting pills labeled HUMAN POISON into tiny blocks of cheese
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Aug 8, 2018 07:11
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- Abugadu
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1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.
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As I lay strapped down to the table, ignoring the video powerpoint presentation of my dog's plans to take over the world on the screen nearby, all I can think of is that my one chance to escape is to entice the guard cat to come closer - I've worked one of my hands loose, but I'll need to grab his knife or gun if I'm to succeed. But things are looking rather grim at this point. I've tried making kissy noises, meowing, doing my impression of a ball of yarn, but he's standing at strict attention. The dog's trained him well. Better than I ever did, that's fur sure.
I wonder how the dog will kill me, now that he's shown me his entire plan. Probably wishful thinking that I'll get put down sedately. Will he release other dogs on me? Chain me up in the hot sun? I didn't even pay attention to the last few slides as I tried to picture the most ironic way this son of a bitch is going to do me in. I don't even get a tail wag or a smile, just a cocked head as he puts his paw on a button on the console in front of him, and trots out of the room, the cockiest of spaniels.
I hear a low humming, as a large metallic tube swings into place above the table, pointed at the space between my knees, the whirring beginning to rise in pitch. So drat derivative, just like his plan to buy up all the land just east of the San Andreas Fault line. I probably should have seen it all coming when the charges for massive amounts of C4 showed up on my credit card.
I sigh, silently saying goodbye to one of man's best friends, done in by the other. The tube, fully charged, now emits a red laser between my legs, slowly moving upwards. And just when I think all hope is lost, the guard cat's eyes grow large, and he moves hypnotically towards me....
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Aug 13, 2018 05:50
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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As I lay strapped down to the table, ignoring the video powerpoint presentation of my dog's plans to take over the world on the screen nearby, all I can think of is that my one chance to escape is to entice the guard cat to come closer - I've worked one of my hands loose, but I'll need to grab his knife or gun if I'm to succeed. But things are looking rather grim at this point. I've tried making kissy noises, meowing, doing my impression of a ball of yarn, but he's standing at strict attention. The dog's trained him well. Better than I ever did, that's fur sure.
I wonder how the dog will kill me, now that he's shown me his entire plan. Probably wishful thinking that I'll get put down sedately. Will he release other dogs on me? Chain me up in the hot sun? I didn't even pay attention to the last few slides as I tried to picture the most ironic way this son of a bitch is going to do me in. I don't even get a tail wag or a smile, just a cocked head as he puts his paw on a button on the console in front of him, and trots out of the room, the cockiest of spaniels.
I hear a low humming, as a large metallic tube swings into place above the table, pointed at the space between my knees, the whirring beginning to rise in pitch. So drat derivative, just like his plan to buy up all the land just east of the San Andreas Fault line. I probably should have seen it all coming when the charges for massive amounts of C4 showed up on my credit card.
I sigh, silently saying goodbye to one of man's best friends, done in by the other. The tube, fully charged, now emits a red laser between my legs, slowly moving upwards. And just when I think all hope is lost, the guard cat's eyes grow large, and he moves hypnotically towards me....
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Aug 13, 2018 11:24
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 14, 2024 19:46
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- google THIS
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I was able to capture and interrogate one of my dog's minions when he meticulously ate the cheese around his suicide pill but not the pill itself.
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Aug 13, 2018 14:13
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Aug 5, 2018 17:47
