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you're planning a meal for someone who is nominally your friend/loved one, but they've ticked you off recently. maybe they made an untoward comment about your appearance, or they've borrowed something valuable and are being really bad about returning it despite increasingly pointed reminders, or they keep pronouncing "espresso" as "expresso." you yourself will be eating this meal with them, or at least going through the motions. what do you serve that layers a veneer of caring over a deeper message of seething disapproval that is plausibly deniable but just slightly too obvious to ignore? I think I might start off with a soup that is just plain clear consomme, right out of the can and barely warmed (probably in the microwave), with like a clump of parsley as garnish. my salad course would feature (along with lettuce etc) raw mushrooms in large chunks, a fuckton of inexpensive canned green olives (unsliced), and a dollop of unseasoned cottage cheese. instead of dressing there would be cruets of cheap red wine vinegar and industrial deflowered (i.e. non virgin) olive oil. the vinegar would pour out of the cruet about twice as fast as you expect, the olive oil would seep out at about half the desired rate. the main course would be meat loaf. it would taste pretty good but I'd be extremely vague about what kind of meat was in it, instead using words like "mystery," "surprise," or making random animal noises. on the side would be soggy parsnip fries. dessert would feature carob in some fashion. gently caress you brenda, it's a trilby not a fedora and it looks dashing |
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Sep 20, 2018 20:30
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| # ? May 3, 2024 14:24 |
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Don't forget the Taster's Choice.
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Sep 20, 2018 20:58
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I'm glad you came over this morning because I "made" (air quotes) you breakfast, so here's some boiled bacon, over burnt toast and eggs that are either over soft boiled or under hard boiled depending on how you look at it (not that I care...) with some shredded potato hash browns that are hardly even brown, because gently caress you if you think I'm going through the trouble of actually making you any of this poo poo, it's not like you listen to anything I tell you anyway.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 20, 2018 21:21
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Leaving an otherwise empty pizza box on the kitchen table with car keys inside. Why don't you pick up dinner for once? |
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Sep 20, 2018 21:25
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Cooking a "wonderful" 3 course meal for my roommates, but the placemats are just printed copies of the electric bill with the overdue amount highlighted. |
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Sep 20, 2018 21:29
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Robot Made of Meat posted:Don't forget the Taster's Choice. perfect for that "expresso" situation. keep saying it like that as you offer/serve it. "how about some expresso? I'm going to have some expresso, would you like to have an expresso with me?" |
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Sep 20, 2018 22:00
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Manifisto posted:perfect for that "expresso" situation. keep saying it like that as you offer/serve it. "how about some expresso? I'm going to have some expresso, would you like to have an expresso with me?" Expresso is a small coffee cup with three tablespoons of Taster's Choice.
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Sep 20, 2018 23:08
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oh you expected dinner, huh? yeah? i expected the trash taken out. i expected a more fulfilling lover. bon APETIT *dramatically opens fancy silver cloche to reveal a giant bowl of lucky charms full of hardly any milk*
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Sep 20, 2018 23:25
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cook them a pretty good meal but massively undersalt everything. don't put a salt shaker on the table, and when they ask for salt say something like "oh I think maybe we ran out? use some lemon juice, it's better for you, and in your condition don't you think, uh . . . " "what?" "nothing, forget I mentioned it" |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:26
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Splatmaster posted:I'm glad you came over this morning because I "made" (air quotes) you breakfast, so here's some boiled bacon, over burnt toast and eggs that are either over soft boiled or under hard boiled depending on how you look at it (not that I care...) with some shredded potato hash browns that are hardly even brown, because gently caress you if you think I'm going through the trouble of actually making you any of this poo poo, it's not like you listen to anything I tell you anyway. artoke posted:Leaving an otherwise empty pizza box on the kitchen table with car keys inside. Why don't you pick up dinner for once? artoke posted:Cooking a "wonderful" 3 course meal for my roommates, but the placemats are just printed copies of the electric bill with the overdue amount highlighted. Peter Daou Bundy posted:oh you expected dinner, huh? yeah? i expected the trash taken out. i expected a more fulfilling lover. bon APETIT *dramatically opens fancy silver cloche to reveal a giant bowl of lucky charms full of hardly any milk* also lol |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:28
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"personally I think the cauliflower crust is even better than regular pizza dough. I'm not saying I'm gluten intolerant, but since I've switched to this stuff I've been feeling a lot better somehow." as you say this, rip off a large chunk of dinner roll and cram it into your mouth while staring at them intently |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:35
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*comes home to empty house * honey ? honey ! I'm home ! *a freezer burned Hungry man dinner is found defrosting on the kitchen table with a note attached . it simply says "I know about Karen " ---------------- |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:45
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Making a bunch of the hottest wings I can and a big plate of extra salty soft pretzels for my wife. Mid way though eating she asks for a glass of water. Looks like someone forgot to refill the water pitcher again, I say, what a shame too because the water is out for the whole block. I think there may be two sips left in the bottle of soda in the fridge, but that is hardly enough to quench your thirst I'm sure. I'd offer to melt some ice to drink but nobody refilled the trays, how odd. |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:51
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*entering restaurant, sitting down at the fancy place for our anniversary* *me, trying to impress the mrs. while reading the menu* i'll have the uh..*mangles french pronunciation of entree* *the waiter looks at me and takes the menus, returning minutes later with 2 menus to the Cracker Barrel* ---------------- |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:58
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Doing the finances for a family run "legitimate business", but making all of the fake transactions have the first names of all the women he's slept with since you have gotten married. passive aggressive book cooking |
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Sep 20, 2018 23:59
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When I cook things on a campfire I always just set it on the grate and wait for the fire to die. Sometimes I burn it, sometimes it is barely cooked. aggressively passive cooking. |
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Sep 21, 2018 00:02
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Manifisto posted:you're planning a meal for someone who is nominally your friend/loved one, but they've ticked you off recently. maybe they made an untoward comment about your appearance, or they've borrowed something valuable and are being really bad about returning it despite increasingly pointed reminders, or they keep pronouncing "espresso" as "expresso." you yourself will be eating this meal with them, or at least going through the motions. what do you serve that layers a veneer of caring over a deeper message of seething disapproval that is plausibly deniable but just slightly too obvious to ignore? Robot Made of Meat posted:Don't forget the Taster's Choice. Splatmaster posted:I'm glad you came over this morning because I "made" (air quotes) you breakfast, so here's some boiled bacon, over burnt toast and eggs that are either over soft boiled or under hard boiled depending on how you look at it (not that I care...) with some shredded potato hash browns that are hardly even brown, because gently caress you if you think I'm going through the trouble of actually making you any of this poo poo, it's not like you listen to anything I tell you anyway. artoke posted:Leaving an otherwise empty pizza box on the kitchen table with car keys inside. Why don't you pick up dinner for once? artoke posted:Cooking a "wonderful" 3 course meal for my roommates, but the placemats are just printed copies of the electric bill with the overdue amount highlighted. Peter Daou Bundy posted:oh you expected dinner, huh? yeah? i expected the trash taken out. i expected a more fulfilling lover. bon APETIT *dramatically opens fancy silver cloche to reveal a giant bowl of lucky charms full of hardly any milk* etc. lol this whole thread so far
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Sep 21, 2018 00:11
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hey you know how you loved Stone Soup when you were a kid? and how when we were kids you put a thumbtack on my chair at school one day? just going through some memories is all |
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Sep 21, 2018 04:13
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menu: -deconstructed borscht: it's just a loving beet, in a bowl, it's not even peeled and it's not my job, Ted, to cook every night just because i work from home at A REAL JOB, unlike your loving job that your dad gave you. -caesar salad: it's a loving salad, alright, but it's been sitting on the top shelf of the fridge and it's pretty much half-frozen, half-wilted bullshit in a bowl garnishing exactly six cups too much dressing. i thought you liked it better that way, Ted. last time i made salad you said it was "too dry." -roast joint of lamb: i didn't say which joint. eat your loving tendons and like it, because you're never getting neck out of me again, ted, and especially not after i found out that you've been loving debra. for god's sake, she's 39 and smells like chlamydia. oh, how do i know about that? because YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME, TED. -mashed potatoes: i ran them over with the car, ted. the car i bought, with my real job, that supports this entire loving household while you gently caress your local mail room clerk. -asparagus: straight from the can. just like you came waltzing in here with toilet paper hanging from your loving shoe, ted. -dessert: day old donuts from the gas station, and divorce papers. because gently caress you, ted. and no, you can't have alimony.
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Sep 23, 2018 03:33
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hamjobs posted:
heck yeah |
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Sep 23, 2018 03:51
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roasting a tritip entirely by hurtful words and insults, taking care not to overdo it with too harsh a burn |
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Sep 23, 2018 05:39
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oh, i didn't make you a plate because i assumed you'd prefer to wait until i put it away. at that point it would be my leftovers in the fridge and it seems that is your favorite thing to eat. |
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Sep 23, 2018 05:44
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artoke posted:Making a bunch of the hottest wings I can and a big plate of extra salty soft pretzels for my wife. Mid way though eating she asks for a glass of water. Looks like someone forgot to refill the water pitcher again, I say, what a shame too because the water is out for the whole block. I think there may be two sips left in the bottle of soda in the fridge, but that is hardly enough to quench your thirst I'm sure. I'd offer to melt some ice to drink but nobody refilled the trays, how odd.
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Sep 23, 2018 07:58
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hamjobs posted:menu: i think you want the actively aggressive cooking thread |
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Sep 23, 2018 09:36
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remember in mrs doubtfire when pierce brosnan orders the jumbalaya with no cayenne pepper so robin williams puts a bunch of cayenne in it and he has an allergic reaction? what was he ordering jambalaya in thr first place if spicy peppers made him sick? pretty hosed up, but also thats the gamble you make when you cook for someone passive aggressive style - you risk accidentqlly killing someone or exposing yourself as your ex wifes nanny of several months in a bid to skirt the child custody arrangement. doesnt seem worth it to me |
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Sep 24, 2018 05:36
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Lizard Wizard posted:i think you want the actively aggressive cooking thread if it were actively aggressive it would be much more Knife To Meat You
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Sep 24, 2018 07:20
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The secret ingredient is apathy 
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Sep 27, 2018 21:20
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Chicken fingers medium rare. A nice salad that I froze last week and thawed last night. Just sherry. A tall, warm glass of just sherry. Serve unsweetened ice tea. |
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Sep 27, 2018 21:44
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I bring out a platter of homemade fried chicken, but I also leave the KFC bucket in plain sight. I complain all night about how much work the chicken was. I ask if you have food allergies and make sure all the desserts have at least one allergen prominently featured. I apologize, start crying that I ruined everything, and expect your significant other to comfort me. I ask if anyone wants to watch Strangers on a Train. When people ask why that film, I say, "No reason, just had it on my mind lately." |
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Sep 27, 2018 21:47
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Bread pudding, but it is mostly just hot, wet bread. |
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Sep 27, 2018 21:48
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lol |
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Sep 27, 2018 22:02
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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:I bring out a platter of homemade fried chicken, but I also leave the KFC bucket in plain sight. I complain all night about how much work the chicken was.
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Sep 27, 2018 22:12
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 no wait thats just aggressive |
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Sep 27, 2018 22:33
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giving strawberry milk to my literal red headed step child and chocolate milk to my children to remind him of his place in this world. he knows...he knows...
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Sep 27, 2018 23:33
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Peter Daou Bundy posted:giving strawberry milk to my literal red headed step child and chocolate milk to my children to remind him of his place in this world. he knows...he knows... ... That strawberry milk is superior, obviously, and the step child is your favorite.
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Sep 28, 2018 14:35
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Of course I know how you like your steak sweetie: rare, just like your thank-you's |
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Sep 28, 2018 21:44
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perfectly arranging the chocolate chips on each ball of cookie dough into letters; the tray spells out "GET A JOB" |
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Sep 28, 2018 21:47
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I made you a nice hot plate of soup. Yeah, I said plate. I know it normally comes in a bowl but for some reason there were none in the cabinet. I wonder where they went. OH, silly me, they were in the sink covered in what appears to be cinnamon toast crunch. Someone must have forgotten to rinse their bowls after eating, and I don't even like cinnamon toast crunch so I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. Anyways, let me get you a fork to eat that with. Yeah, I said fork........ |
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Sep 28, 2018 21:48
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when i was a kid a neighbor lady whose son i was friends with would baby sit me from time to time. my mom wasnt a good cook and was a busy lady so most of my meals were boxed or canned things that were easy to prep (which is fine i have no qualms about that) and one of my favorites was campbells condensed tomato soup. this lady somehow had never made it before and also never bothered to read the instructions on the label so she never added water to it so any time she made me tomato soup i would end up going hungry bc i would be served this abominable hot gelatinous lump of seasoned tomato paste. and as like a 6 year old kid i didnt know how it was made or anything, in my little world tomato soup was just a thing from a can my mom made me sometimes with a grilled cheese, so i couldnt understand why the same thing from the same can was so hosed up and terrible and when i tried to tell my mom that vicky was real bad at making tomato soup she never believed me bc it was the same product so how could someone botch it that bad. when i asked my friend about it he just said he didnt know cuz they never had tomato soup at home cuz he thought it was nasty, which no fuckin poo poo he thought that in hindsight really i dont think it was some passive aggressive punishment or anything and she was just an odd lady who did not grasp the concept behind tomato soup bc whenever she made me mac n cheese or fish sticks it turned out like normal, but this thread made me think of that weird bad food story from my childhood and i wanted to share, so you could enjoy the concept of serving hot unwatered condensed soup as a meal to a person in the spirit of the thread |
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Sep 28, 2018 23:51
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| # ? May 3, 2024 14:24 |
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SciFiDownBeat posted:perfectly arranging the chocolate chips on each ball of cookie dough into letters; the tray spells out "GET A JOB" artoke posted:I made you a nice hot plate of soup. Yeah, I said plate. I know it normally comes in a bowl but for some reason there were none in the cabinet. I wonder where they went. SciFiDownBeat posted:Of course I know how you like your steak sweetie: rare, just like your thank-you's
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Sep 29, 2018 00:25
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