babies are weak as shit

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > babies are weak as shit

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Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Pro: the awareness and intelligence of an adult
Con: the inherent selfishness of a baby

Small Assassin 24/7/365

# ? Oct 11, 2018 03:00

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 16, 2024 22:24

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

whiter than a Wilco show posted:

Ah, now I finally understand what reverse racism means.

ahhahaah

# ? Oct 11, 2018 03:02

honda whisperer: Mar 29, 2009

Disease resistant

But

Autistic

# ? Oct 11, 2018 03:07

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

honda whisperer posted:

Disease resistant

But

Autistic

# ? Oct 11, 2018 03:17

naem: May 29, 2011

Pththya-lyi posted:

Pro: the awareness and intelligence of an adult
Con: the inherent selfishness of a baby

like my ex

# ? Oct 11, 2018 03:23

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

pro: better parents
con: uncle who does meth

# ? Oct 11, 2018 04:35

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Pro: installed within an nigh invincible cybernetic body
Con: flashing red weak point on the chest that it bares every time it roars at the player

# ? Oct 11, 2018 04:37

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

big dick

will eventually be better than you in almost every conceivable fashion because its not your baby because your wife karen is a whore and the baby belongs to a local tough named Bacobit and she eventually leaves you and while you are posting about babies on a dead internet forum she's getting a train run on her by the porkchop crips

honda whisperer posted:

Disease resistant

But

Autistic

holey poo poo

# ? Oct 11, 2018 04:56

Jesustheastronaut!: Mar 9, 2014; Lipstick Apathy

Two gay dads
No Mom

# ? Oct 11, 2018 08:26

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

pro: can punch through a wall
con: isn't entirely convinced that Hitler was the bad guy

# ? Oct 11, 2018 09:19

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Pro:damage resistance to pitbulls
Con: is a pitbull

# ? Oct 11, 2018 09:52

Shin00bie: Sep 11, 2011

Pro - Can combine with other babies, Voltron style, when threatened. This provides the fighting unit with the strength of ten men and the ability to shoot fire out of its mouth
Con - When the threat has passed the Baby Voltron has to be manually disassembled otherwise it no longer fits in it's pushchair.

# ? Oct 11, 2018 10:25

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

Devils Affricate posted:

Yeah well maybe these idiot women should just grow wider, slipperier vaginas

Would make more sense for women to be 100x larger than the men and the men can just be vestigial parasites like how it works with anglerfish

# ? Oct 11, 2018 12:29

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

Aesop Poprock posted:

Would make more sense for women to be 100x larger than the men and the men can just be vestigial parasites like how it works with anglerfish

sure, maybe. it obviously worked for your parents.

# ? Oct 11, 2018 12:31

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

sure, maybe. it obviously worked for your parents.

They got in on the trend early

# ? Oct 11, 2018 12:58

kecske: Feb 28, 2011; it's round, like always

Devils Affricate posted:

Yeah well maybe these idiot women should just grow wider, slipperier vaginas

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-38210837

quote:

The regular use of Caesarean sections is having an impact on human evolution, say scientists.

More mothers now need surgery to deliver a baby due to their narrow pelvis size, according to a study.

Researchers estimate cases where the baby cannot fit down the birth canal have increased from 30 in 1,000 in the 1960s to 36 in 1,000 births today.

Historically, these genes would not have been passed from mother to child as both would have died in labour.

Researchers in Austria say the trend is likely to continue, but not to the extent that non-surgical births will become obsolete.

Dr Philipp Mitteroecker, of the department of theoretical biology at the University of Vienna, said there was a long standing question in the understanding of human evolution.

"Why is the rate of birth problems, in particular what we call fetopelvic disproportion - basically that the baby doesn't fit through the maternal birth canal - why is this rate so high?" he said.

"Without modern medical intervention such problems often were lethal and this is, from an evolutionary perspective, selection.

"Women with a very narrow pelvis would not have survived birth 100 years ago. They do now and pass on their genes encoding for a narrow pelvis to their daughters."
Opposing forces

It has been a long standing evolutionary question why the human pelvis has not grown wider over the years.

The head of a human baby is large compared with other primates, meaning animals such as chimps can give birth relatively easily.

The researchers devised a mathematical model using data from the World Health Organization and other large birth studies.

They found opposing evolutionary forces in their theoretical study.

One is a trend towards larger newborns, which are more healthy.

However, if they grow too large, they get stuck during labour, which historically would have proved disastrous for mother and baby, and their genes would not be passed on.

"One side of this selective force - namely the trend towards smaller babies - has vanished due to Caesarean sections," said Dr Mitteroecker.

"Our intent is not to criticise medical intervention," he said. "But it's had an evolutionary effect. "
Future trends

The researchers estimated that the global rate of cases where the baby could not fit through the maternal birth canal was 3%, or 30 in 1,000 births.

Over the past 50 or 60 years, this rate has increased to about 3.3-3.6%, so up to 36 in 1,000 births.

That is about a 10-20% increase of the original rate, due to the evolutionary effect.

"The pressing question is what's going to happen in the future?" Dr Mitteroecker said.

"I expect that this evolutionary trend will continue but perhaps only slightly and slowly.

"There are limits to that. So I don't expect that one day the majority of children will have to be born by [Caesarean] sections."

The research is published in the journal, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Commenting on the study, Smithsonian paleoanthropologist Dr Briana Pobiner said there are "probably many other biological and cultural issues that factor into the Caesarean sections rate, which varies widely across the developed and developing world".

And Daghni Rajasingam, a consultant obstetrician and a spokesman for the Royal College of Obstetricians, said factors such as diabetes and obesity, are having an impact on the number of Caesarean sections.

"I think what is important to take into the [question of] evolution is that things like diabetes are much more common at a younger age so we see many more women of reproductive age who have diabetes," she said.

"That has consequences as to whether or not they may need a caesarean section.

"In addition, the rates of obesity are increasing so more and more women of reproductive age have a higher body mass index and this again has an impact on caesarean section rates."

# ? Oct 11, 2018 13:12

Kazak: Jan 10, 2012

Step it up, moms

# ? Oct 11, 2018 13:27

Jose Mengelez: Sep 11, 2001; by Azathoth

SCROTO TURBOSPERG posted:

your wife karen is a whore and the baby belongs to a local tough named Bacobit

not so fast, i seen her hanging around his lieutenant 'crouton' too. hell, i heard she was banging the entire cobb gang. she's a real salad barfly.

:dadjoke:

# ? Oct 11, 2018 23:20

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Pro: The strength of a hundred men
Con: Weakness to ice damage

# ? Oct 12, 2018 01:09

Jake Mustache: Feb 7, 2017

Man Locks Himself In Hot Car To Prove That Babies And Dogs Are Cowards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORv34CSYv0

# ? Oct 12, 2018 01:09

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Jake Mustache posted:

Man Locks Himself In Hot Car To Prove That Babies And Dogs Are Cowards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORv34CSYv0

I'm glad the onion has found an even subtler way to piss people off.

# ? Oct 12, 2018 02:45

DisposableHero: Feb 25, 2005; bah weep granna weep ninny bong

Teleportation
Said power can only be used at birth

# ? Oct 12, 2018 02:52

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Infinite patience and endurance
The color red makes them go berserk

E: no any pastel colors is the death rage

# ? Oct 12, 2018 03:06

Pneub: Mar 12, 2007; I'M THE DEVIL, AND I WILL WASH OVER THE EARTH AND THE SEAS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF ALL THE SINNERS

I AM REBORN

SniperWoreConverse posted:

Infinite patience and endurance
The color red makes them go berserk

E: no any pastel colors is the death rage

Nice change. A bright red and black nursery would be fuckin sick.

# ? Oct 12, 2018 07:43

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

becomes a parasitic croyel providing host long life in exchange for soul
vulnerable to wild magic

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:00

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Pro: babies can now effectively do basic construction work
Con: they catcall and it is in no way cute

alternate cons:
they smoke all your weed and never clean their lovely rank bongs
they sometimes drive strollers drunk

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:24

Grem: Mar 29, 2004; It's how her species communicates

Pro: Total invulnerability
Con: Never sleeps

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:32

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Pro: infinite wisdom of a bodhisattva
Con: they fuckin h8 u

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:39

Aesop Poprock: Oct 21, 2008; Grimey Drawer

kecske posted:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-38210837

Was it a slow day at the BBC or did they actually feel like "modern medicine allows people to survive things that used to be riskier" needed a fresh spin for some reason

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:45

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Pro: actual real deal hacker skillset
Con: only uses it to accrue cryptocurrency

# ? Oct 12, 2018 08:58

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

pro: never cries
con: toxic masculinity

# ? Oct 12, 2018 10:19

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# ? May 16, 2024 22:24

Blistex: Oct 30, 2003; Macho Business
Donkey Wrestler

I had a hipster couple threaten to call the cops when I buckled my 13 month old son into his car seat, lock the doors, and wheel the shopping cart back across the lot (15m away). In the 25 seconds that I closed the door, returned the shopping cart, and returned to my car this couple was waiting beside the rear passenger window, and the woman had her phone out filming me while the guy was making a point of having his face against the window and observing my son in his car seat. The first thing she said was, "we should call the cops" and I said "do it" and drove off.

# ? Oct 12, 2018 16:37

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > babies are weak as shit

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