The Ignoble Athasian Sloth

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > The Ignoble Athasian Sloth

Who What Now: by Azathoth

Dungeons and Dragons started in 1971 as a skirmish wargame made by Gary Gygax for his friends to play called Chainmail. Three years later D&D proper was released, followed by Advanced Dungeons and Dragons in 1977. Twelve years later in 1989 AD&D second edition was released, which lasted until the year 2000. During those twenty-nine years a lot of material was released, most of it being adventure modules and additional monsters.

Some of these monsters were amazing, like the iconic Illithid and Beholder. These monsters... are not those monsters.

Sloth (Athas)

Athas is the planet of the Dark Sun campaign setting. A bleak dessert world ravaged by wizard-induced global warming. There are a few remaining forests guarded by cannibal halflings, and apparently those forests are also filled with dumbshit animals like the athasian sloth. Here is it's official description:

Appearance posted:

The Athasian sloth is fast, cunning, and very bloodthirsty. A family of sloths can eat a whole�halfling�village in one night and is usually not afraid to try.

The Athasian sloth is a large creature with brown fur. It usually has light tan and brown, or light grey and green spots making it easy for the sloth to blend in with the foliage of the Forest Ridge.

Athasian sloths make no sounds that anyone else can hear. Despite this, they seem to communicate very well with each other, making well-coordinated attacks.

How large is large? This sloth is 8 feet long, not including it's limbs. So it's an enormous sloth that moves lightning fast (by sloth standards, it actually moves at just under human walking speed) that is possibly telepathic. Then again it's also possible it communicates through stink glands, and that really seems more plausible.

Artists interpretation:

Combat posted:

The sloths travel in family groups and usually fight very well together. Even the young are trained to aid in an attack. If two sloths are found, they are a mated pair. If 3 or more are found, one or two of them are young ... The young usually act as decoys, swinging down from a branch to swipe with one claw and then retreating higher up into the trees. While their opponents are concentrating on the young ones, the parents move in from behind for the kill.

Sweet poo poo, this seems simultaneously terrifying and also stupid as gently caress. On the one hand, you have baby sloths that could fly out of the trees and take a chunk out of your face at any moment. On the other, if you know to expect it, any Freeman gladiator worth his salt can prepare to bisect a baby sloth with his macuahuitl as it swings by. Sending your children in as disposable bodies seems like a really poor survival strategy!

Habitat/Society posted:

The sloth is a territorial animal and defends its territory fiercely. A small forest may only have one or two families of Athasian sloths. Athasian sloths never attack one another, and if the parents are killed, the young sloths are likely to be adopted by the first adult sloths they can find. Athasian sloths prefer trees as lairs and as their method of travel. They have very good judgement when it comes to selecting branches that support their considerable weight. They are very fast both in the trees and on the ground. They can leap up to 30� from one branch to another. They also retract their claws to allow them to move just as fast on the ground as they do in the trees.

A sloth is constantly on the move, settling down only when the female gives birth.�

Ok there's a bit to unpack here. First is that athasian sloths are highly territorial, yet never fight. I'm guessing that territory disputes are resolved by which has the strongest stink glands, leading to what can only be imagined as a high stakes fart contest. Second is that if the parents die, other sloths will swoop in to save the babies. Which seems unlikely, considering the babies are used as cannon fodder. Third is that these giant fuckers can leap 30 feet at a time, which is 6 feet faster than they walk, which presumably means that their primary means of locomotion is leaving like a big hairy frog.

And finally, these things apparently never stop moving. Just constantly leaping from branch to branch at all times. A immobile sloth is a dead sloth. Presumably they don't stop to gently caress, either, instead they copulate mid-leap. Only after gestation does the female stop for the first time in her life to drop a few infants and then swing away.

Ecology posted:

The Athasian sloth has one natural enemy � halflings. Coincidentally, it also has one favorite food � again, halflings.

...

Halfling tribes also hunt sloths. A single sloth can also provide a whole family with warm cloaks. The curved talons are mounted on hilts and make effective daggers. A halfling who single-handedly kills an Athasian sloth is hailed as a hero by his tribe. Even being part of a group that has slain a sloth is a sure way to honor among the little folk of the Forest Ridge.

So sloths mostly eat little people, and in turn are eaten by their own prey. Which seems like a really bad idea, evolutionarily speaking, but then again we're talking about a world where wizard eat rocks to become dragons.

In short, the Athasian Sloth is a creature of contrasts. Thank you.

# ? Jan 2, 2019 22:38

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 16:51

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

Who What Now posted:

In short, the Athasian Sloth is a creature of contrasts. Thank you.

Why do they even call it a Sloth, when it departs in so many ways from what we think of as a sloth? Why not just call it a Wolfmonkey, because it seems like it is more of a Wolfmonkey than anything sloth like.

# ? Jan 2, 2019 23:16

Manifisto

thank you for this, it reminds me a little bit of my reaction to the original fiend folio. like the monsters in the monster manual made sense by and large, they had a few random ones but they were mostly pretty conventional dungeon monsters. then the fiend folio had weird poo poo like aardvarks with a gem in the middle of their forehead or whatever. like somebody came up with a monster when extremely high or in a fevered delirium and decided they had to tell everyone and map out their statistics and powers in tedious detail.

this dark sun campaign setting, is it like a rip-off of the gene wolfe "book of the new sun" series?

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 3, 2019 00:45

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

Manifisto posted:

thank you for this, it reminds me a little bit of my reaction to the original fiend folio. like the monsters in the monster manual made sense by and large, they had a few random ones but they were mostly pretty conventional dungeon monsters. then the fiend folio had weird poo poo like aardvarks with a gem in the middle of their forehead or whatever. like somebody came up with a monster when extremely high or in a fevered delirium and decided they had to tell everyone and map out their statistics and powers in tedious detail.

this dark sun campaign setting, is it like a rip-off of the gene wolfe "book of the new sun" series?

dark sun was pretty cool. it was a desert world that had been ravaged by magic iirc anytime someone cast a spell is drained life from everything around it so being a mage was strictly outlawed and punishable by death so instead of spell books people had strings of beads or tattoos or other ways of hiding that they knew spells. they also had thrikreen (sp?) which were a praying mantis like race you could play as and half giants/ogres? we only played it for a little while in the 90s but i remember it being really fun and brutal

also echoing the weird monsters in the fiend folio, if i have time and can dig up my old books i'll try to contribute. we had the original chain mail books that gygax published although they were more like little pamphlets and i think i still have the original basic dnd books as well as all my first edition advanced dnd books. also i think i saved my old dragon magazines which always had cool articles about new/potential rules which made for a cool game in that the system was always malleable and open to new ideas/rules.

one of the best of these was an article called "the threshold of pain" which outlined a way of decreasing movement/encumbrance/to hit and damage etc. based on how much damage you'd taken plus tables to locate where each hit struck you

also gelatinous cubes still stand as one of the most ridiculous of the original monsters

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:01

Who What Now: by Azathoth

Manifisto posted:

thank you for this, it reminds me a little bit of my reaction to the original fiend folio. like the monsters in the monster manual made sense by and large, they had a few random ones but they were mostly pretty conventional dungeon monsters. then the fiend folio had weird poo poo like aardvarks with a gem in the middle of their forehead or whatever. like somebody came up with a monster when extremely high or in a fevered delirium and decided they had to tell everyone and map out their statistics and powers in tedious detail.

this dark sun campaign setting, is it like a rip-off of the gene wolfe "book of the new sun" series?

No clue. TL;DR It's basically Mad Max with magic instead of cars.

The long-short of Darksun is that wizard magic is powered by sucking up life energy, and in the past some very powerful wizards cast very powerful spells that not only sucked all the life out of 90% of the landmass but also aged their star into a dying red dwarf. Even the minerals were sucked of vital energy, leaving only trace metals left, so everyone fights with axes made out of petrified cactus and sharpened hip bones. Oh, and everyone has psychic powers (which are different than wizard powers, obviously).

We'll be seeing plenty of Dark Sun and the other lesser known campaign settings in this thread.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:05

Manifisto

Luvcow posted:

also gelatinous cubes still stand as one of the most ridiculous of the original monsters

very true, altho did you ever read the john christopher "sword of the spirits" books? the bayemot was basically a gelatinous cube and came across as more frightening than dumb

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:14

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

Who What Now posted:

No clue. TL;DR It's basically Mad Max with magic instead of cars.

The long-short of Darksun is that wizard magic is powered by sucking up life energy, and in the past some very powerful wizards cast very powerful spells that not only sucked all the life out of 90% of the landmass but also aged their star into a dying red dwarf. Even the minerals were sucked of vital energy, leaving only trace metals left, so everyone fights with axes made out of petrified cactus and sharpened hip bones. Oh, and everyone has psychic powers (which are different than wizard powers, obviously).

We'll be seeing plenty of Dark Sun and the other lesser known campaign settings in this thread.

oh drat i forgot about all the psionics and the lack of metals, thank you for making this thread i'l do my best to contribute ridiculous monsters

Manifisto posted:

very true, altho did you ever read the john christopher "sword of the spirits" books? the bayemot was basically a gelatinous cube and came across as more frightening than dumb

i have not read them but i'll look for them

# ? Jan 3, 2019 02:39

Manifisto

Luvcow posted:

oh drat i forgot about all the psionics and the lack of metals, thank you for making this thread i'l do my best to contribute ridiculous monsters

i have not read them but i'll look for them

they're "young adult" books from some time ago. I have no idea how the john christopher books hold up to adult reading, but young me loved them. he's the dude that wrote the books about tripods if you ever heard of that. also apparently "john christopher" was a pen name, the dude (sam youd) wrote under like 8 pseudonyms, lol.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:03

Farecoal: There he go

i just looked it up and gygax was his legit last name?? wild

# ? Jan 3, 2019 06:03

Who What Now: by Azathoth

Hadozee

Physical Description posted:

Called “deck apes”

These are literally the first three words in the monster entry. Yeowch.

Physical Description (cont.) posted:

hadozee are indeed ape-like. Rough taller and more slander than the typical ape, hadozee have brown hair covering their bodies. With a shaggy mane surrounding all of the head except for the face. The mouth is a protruding muzzle with several long fangs.

The most unusual feature of a hadozee is the membrane of skin that normally hangs loosely from the creature’s arms and legs. When a hadozee raises its hands over its head, this membrane is stretched taut and the creature has a limited giliding ability, as explained below.

It really didn't get any better, did it? So this is a race from Spelljammer, a setting where wizards pilot spaceships in the void between all the other campaign settings. A lot of lore for iconic aberations like the Mind Flayers comes from this setting.

It also has 7' tall flying squirrel-apes.

Artist Interpretation:

Combat posted:

Hadozee are born warriors, thoroughly at home in melee combat. They can use all weapons that humans can. Indeed, hadozee can wield a weapon in each hand – or in a hand and a foot – without penalty for two-handed combat.

A hadozee can glide through the air by spreading the membranes on its wings, traveling one foot forward for every foot of height it loses.

The entry also goes on to explain that even if the hadozee fails to land on an enemy ship they can instinctively use the insane rules for gravity to fall upwards and then take another pass at it. The explanation of how is longer than the rest of the combat entry combined.

Habitat/Society posted:

Hadozee of both sexes are eager to be accepted into the companies of sailors and mercenaries that sail among the stars. ... The highest honor for a hadozee is to hire on as crew or warrior for elves.

...

The hadozee relationship with elves goes back to the time of the Unhuman Wars, when the deck apes first showed a level of conscience and culture greater than the orcs and their kin, with which they had previously been grouped. The hadozee aided the elves in that war, and they have bee allied ever since. The elves have willingly employed the talents of the hadozee, and have in return paid them well. The elves in no way consider the hadozee to be an equal race, however.

So, not to put too fine of an SJW point on things, but TSR in the 80s-90s really loved their "noble savage" archetypes. And the name "deck ape" didn't sound too great to begin with even before it turned out they're happily subservient to a bunch of knife-eared pricks. I think we can all agree that elves fuckin' suck poo poo, and the idea that any sentient being would willingly work with one requires too much of a suspension of disbelief, much less a whole race.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 11:43

google THIS

So it "glides" at a perfect 45 degree angle to the ground/ground reference plane? That's like, barely not falling. That's lovely paper airplane-tier gliding.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 14:11

Who What Now: by Azathoth

They can also wield weapons in their feet with no penalty. Presumably by hopping on one foot while carrying three cutlasses

# ? Jan 3, 2019 14:55

Hogge Wild: by FactsAreUseless

nice to see you posting in byob wwn!

btw, 'deck ape' is naval slang for boatswain's mate. the game's writers may have heard the term and then invented the race

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Jan 10, 2019 14:46

Rockman Reserve: "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

hi, this is a good thread, and i would like to see more. i might go summarize some weird rifts stuff if i can find pictures of it or get a scanner working. the other hurdle is trying to find stuff that is actually weird and fun/terrible on its own merits instead of the merits of the rifts(tm) and palladium(tm) gaming systems(tm), which are bad

# ? Jan 14, 2019 01:05

Khanstant

can athasian sloth be domesticated?

# ? Nov 23, 2020 18:15

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

i love owlbears

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Nov 23, 2020 21:47

Stoner Sloth

Khanstant posted:

can athasian sloth be domesticated?

yes, if chilled out first with weed (vary rare on Athas)

sigs by the awesome Manifisto, Vanisher, City of Glompton, Pot Smoke Phoenix, Nut, Heather Papps,Prof Crocodile, knuthgrush, Ohtori Akio, Teapot, Saosyhant, Dumb Sex Parrot, w4ddl3d33, and nesamdoom!! - ty friends!

# ? Nov 23, 2020 23:23

Who What Now: by Azathoth

Some nerd website posted:

Dark Sun Drugs
Page historylast edited by Jon Goranson 10 years ago
Dark Sun Drugs

Common drugs in the Tablelands

Tobacco - a common stimulant. Tobacco grows in many places, usually locally. It is then dried and rolled, ready to be smoked by the user.

Qat - a common euphoric and mild narcotic. Qat is made from the leaves of a small leafy plant that grows in the Ivory Triangle area. It can be brewed into tea or or the fresh leaves can be chewed. Chewing is said to be better but does leave pale green stains on lips and teeth.

Marijuana - Marijuana grows everywhere and is widely used recreationally, as a cure for nausea and as an appetite stimulant for the ill. Marijuana leaves and flower buds are typically dried and then smoked although they can be used as a cooking spice.

Coca Leaves - Coca leaves are a mild stimulant that currently grow near Raam but several other places are being tested. Users typically stick a small handful of fresh or dried leaves in the side of their mouths and slowly chew the slightly bitter mass. Coca leaves is a relatively harmless drug that makes its user more alert.

Cocaine - Cocaine allows its users to stay awake and react faster than normal. Cocaine is a powder extracted from coca leaves.

Rock Cocaine - Rock cocaine is simply cocaine that has been processed differently. The crystals produced by this process do not dissolve and can only be smoked.

Opium - Opium is a gum exuded by the ripe pods of the opium poppy. Opium can be grown in many places around the Tablelands. Opium is everything from an excellent painkiller and a cure for dysentery to a terrible and life consuming addiction. When used solely as a pain reliever, opium is most commonly drunk mixed with alcohol.

Heroin - A very rare drug used as one of the best painkillers, it is highly addictive. Only one house deals in it, House Shom, and they won't share their secret. It is quite expensive and only the rich can afford it.

Hallucinogenic Woad - A new drug that has appeared only in the past decade, hallucinogenic woad is a mixture of toxic mushrooms and glowing lichens. House Ianto, on the verge of collapse after several trade deals went sour and left them in bad standing with the templars and nobles of two cities, introduced this and has come back and is now doing well again. They still trade in iron from Tyr's mines but do ten times as much business with this.

Spider Venom - Several varieties of spider's venom, from mountain spiders and crystal spiders, can be milked of their venom and the venom reduced in potency to the point of it being a mild to severe hallucinogenic. Elf traders deal in it more than any other source and it is rumored they get it from the halflings of the forest ridge.

Blue Fern Spores - This is the premier dream enhancing drug. It is harvested from ferns growing wild in mountainous regions. It isn't predictable where it will grow, so it must be searched. Users fall immediately into a deep sleep that lasts between six and eight hours. While under the effect of this drug, the user has a series of exceedingly vivid dreams. Some can completely control their dreams while under this drug. If two or more people take it and remain physically close to each other while they sleep, they will share the same dream and can either have complex dream contests or work together to create a grand dream epic.

Ghost Flower - This rare powder is steeped in water, creating a faintly luminous tea that they drink before going to sleep. The first few times this is used, the user has deep and vivid dreams of the recently dead and some claim to be able to speak to them. This is also a new drug, which has only appeared in the last few years.

# ? Nov 23, 2020 23:57

Stoner Sloth

Who What Now posted:

this sounds like home brew (or grown?)

most of the plant life in Dark Sun is dead though - there could still be weed that the sorcerer kings protect or some in really distant places that only the halflings know about but most of it would have been killed off by magic users. drat wizards!

spider, scorpion and snake venoms as well as psychoactive cactus and mushrooms would probably be the best bet for getting high imo

# ? Nov 24, 2020 00:57

Who What Now: by Azathoth

If you had limited access to water and arable land would you grow staple grains that taste like poo poo or weed that gets you high?

# ? Nov 24, 2020 00:59

Stoner Sloth

Who What Now posted:

If you had limited access to water and arable land would you grow staple grains that taste like poo poo or weed that gets you high?

weed that gets me high... but i'd also probably fail as a farmer and starve so there is that

# ? Nov 24, 2020 01:01

Prof. Crocodile

Who What Now posted:

My biggest complaint with the Greyhawk, Dragonlance, and Ravenloft settings was the lack of in-game lore about smoking crack. Happy that this oversight was corrected with Dark Sun.

I would seriously consider getting back into D&D if I hadn't sold all my manuals to buy crack.

# ? Nov 24, 2020 01:23

your friend sk: (ヤイケス!)

Who What Now posted:

yeah i'm just passing through town with this caravan of rare and wondrous artifacts on its way to the sorcerer king. with my magical set of armor only the most powerful of liches could DARE to strike me down! anyway, lemme get literally some crack cocaine please

Join the BYOB Army

^{thank you again Saoshyant!!}

# ? Nov 24, 2020 01:57

Who What Now: by Azathoth

I'm the extremly rich heroin addicts

# ? Nov 24, 2020 03:32

Escape From Noise

Min-maxin' and Gygaxin'

Thank you Pot Smoke Pheonnix for this Kickin' Rad sig

# ? Nov 24, 2020 13:57

Stoner Sloth

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Min-maxin' and Gygaxin'

chill-maxin' and Gyrelaxin'

# ? Nov 24, 2020 14:58

Who What Now: by Azathoth

I bet Spelljammer has bitchin weed that really helps jam some spells. Also crack but it's probably called astral coke

# ? Nov 24, 2020 15:29

Escape From Noise

Who What Now posted:

I bet Spelljammer has bitchin weed that really helps jam some spells. Also crack but it's probably called astral coke

Reminds me of King Star King

# ? Nov 24, 2020 15:39

SIDS Vicious

my halfling rogue, he can turn prwctically invisible, he can climb walls like a gecko with his bare hands, he has a rat friend who he taught to stealz and oh yeah, hes freaking addicted to crack

# ? Nov 24, 2020 15:40

Escape From Noise

In the world of spelljammer SoundCloud rappers are making tracks about tripping on Woad, to the point that it's become it's own subgenre among artists like Woad Warrior, Poison Woad, and Lide Woad

Thank you Pot Smoke Pheonnix for this Kickin' Rad sig

# ? Nov 24, 2020 15:47

Khanstant

Who What Now posted:

If you had limited access to water and arable land would you grow staple grains that taste like poo poo or weed that gets you high?

weed and then use the leaf parts as grain

# ? Nov 24, 2020 18:03

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 16:51

Who What Now: by Azathoth

Hell yeah weed bread

# ? Nov 24, 2020 18:28

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > The Ignoble Athasian Sloth