Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

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Tunicate: May 15, 2012

They should just do a game of thrones edgy treatment of The Glove Of Darth Vader. The protagonist is a drug-running slave master with a psychosexual crush on Leia, and his attempt to lie, cheat, and steal his way to the top of the Empire is easy HBO bait.

# ¿ Oct 25, 2019 22:02

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 14:39

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Snow Cone Capone posted:

bc the Jedi were dumbasses and assumed that since their way is the only way, "balancing the force" meant eradicating the dark side for some reason (the reason is they were dumbasses)

that's because that's how lucas meant it

because in the original trilogy there was no 'light side' of the force, 'light side' was an EU thing

# ¿ Dec 20, 2019 23:12

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

I just appreciate that we finally learn that Rey's father is Triclops

# ¿ Dec 20, 2019 23:15

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Blistex posted:

Most accurate (to date) summation of the film and why it sucks. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2zZFtq13c4

of all the things in the movie they could complain are too coincidental, they go for 'the protagonists find the corpse of the guy they're looking for in a dangerous cave right next to where he parked his spaceship'?

# ¿ Dec 22, 2019 23:25

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Still laughing at the fact that Palpatine's son is just some random nameless bum without Force affinity and Rey is arbitrarily like the strongest Force user ever

the movie says he was only a nobody because he chose to be

as everyone knows from the EU, Triclops was a dedicated pacifist who conscientiously refused to follow in his father's footsteps

so basically he noped out from the whole jedi/sith thing and tried to keep his kid from being part of a star wars movie too, an excellent decision which almost worked

Light Gun Man posted:

let me ask this: why is C3P0 forbidden by programming to translate Sith?

Who decided that? Anakin? He built him, didn't he? why would he program that?

OK if not Anakin, the rebels? why would they program that? Why would they not have just jailbroken him before now?

Did Palpatine declare this a law? If so, why did the Rebels apply that patch, or whatever?

This is a never before heard of problem that seems to exist only so they have to go to the planet where Poe knows a lady he totally probably was hetero with in the past and is thus not gay

he says that droids were modified to not translate sith becuase of some law passed by the galatic senate, so probably it's just DRM on his language computer

# ¿ Dec 25, 2019 06:17

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Just continuing how TLJ spent half the film backpedaling its own first half, the sequel trilogy makes a complete zigzag.

# ¿ Dec 25, 2019 22:42

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

There is a rumor among diehard shippers that the movie was recut from jj's original vision where Ren survives and Rey marries him aND THAT IS WHY HER NAME IS SKYWALKER AND THEN THEY KISS!!1

# ¿ Jan 2, 2020 20:06

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Owlbear Camus posted:

he waits till the kid is looking to drop his guard. powerful "i did it for you damien" energy.

The classic theory.

quote:

So last night I'm watching "Return of the Jedi: Now With Fakey-Looking Computerized Creatures Instead of Fakey-Looking Rubber Creatures," which I got for Christmas, and I noticed that Lucas hasn't fixed the main non-Ewok problem with the movie: the fact that the final battle between Luke and Vader makes no sense.

Here we have Luke "Badass" Skywalker, Jedi Extraordinaire. He's mown down Stormtroopers like bowling pins on bumper night, sliced open Imperial Walkers, and given the Death Star a photon colonic once already, not to mention all the womp rats he must have massacred. He's built his own lightsaber, raided Johnny Cash's closet, and watched his Jedi master snuff it. At long last he's brought before the Grand Imperial Old Guy himself, who's sitting there giving off smarm rays, and Luke decides, for no apparent reason, that killing the Emperor -- this one guy -- would tip him over the edge into the yawning abyss of Jedi perdition. I don't get it.

There's always the "defenseless" explanation, but that doesn't cut it. He could blow up everyone in the Death Star 1.0 in one force-guided shot, but he couldn't kill one guy in Death Star 2.0? If he had left, grabbed an X-Wing and blown up the whole drat battlestation that would have been Yoda-Kosher, but taking him one-on-one is bad juju? Not to mention the fact that when Darth offs the Emperor, that turns him into a good guy.

I have a better explanation. The fact is that, throughout the three films, everyone Luke meets is completely bull****ting him about the Force. They make up all this crap about Dark and Light and Good and Evil to disguise that there's only one rule to the Force: die in front of Luke.

Let's rewind to the first movie. Obi-Wan is facing it off with the Sith Lord. They play lightsaber pattycake for a while, and then Luke shows up. Obi-Wan looks over as if to say "Oh, good. Luke's here. Now I can die," and gives the **** up. Darth, not having noticed Luke's presence, delivers the killing blow, and Obi-Wan gets a magical ghost body.

Then in "Empire," Obi's feeling pretty good about himself and decides to let his old friend Yoda in on some of this spirit-form action. He sends Luke to Dagobah, but how to keep him there until Yoda's ready to shuffle off this mortal sequel? No prob, just make Luke Yoda's "student" and provide him "training." A couple dumb levitation tricks will keep Luke wide-eyed while nature wracks Yoda's withered old latex body. You'll notice that when Luke decides to save his friends Yoda and Ben get all mystical and start making prophesies, none of which come true. They're not seeing the future, they're just trying to get Luke to stay put.

Now we're back to "Jedi." Luckily, Luke still hasn't seen through the plan, and he shows up just in time for Yoda to kick the Muppet bucket. Score one for Yoda, he gets a magical ghost body.

Then, there's the Final Battle. Emperor Palpatine doesn't have the subtlety of the rest of the Jedi gang, so he just says "Hey. Kill me." What he doesn't realize is that Luke is the goodwill ambassador for reverse psychology, and so Luke, just to be contrary, doesn't. Palpatine gets pissed off and decides that if he can't have a magical ghost body, nobody can. Darth, seeing his only chance for a cool afterlife being fried in front of his eyes, has a great plan. He grabs the wrinkled old Imperial coot and throws him down a convenient Tunnel O' Energy, out of Luke-death range. This has the double effect of ruining the Emperor's plans ("I was getting really tired of him anyway," thinks Darth) and putting Vader on this last legs. He plays on the maudlin "father" thing to get Luke to take off the helmet, and dies in front of him. Ta-da!

# ¿ Jan 7, 2020 01:58

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

redshirt posted:

No, it's a good Star Wars movie.

Let me emphasize the phrase "Star Wars movie" because I think people have entirely forgotten what that means.

It had one good lightsaber fight

# ¿ Jan 29, 2024 17:42

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

kdrudy posted:

It's wild that Lucas couldn't see that everything he created in Star Wars was pointing to the ultimate conclusion that Jedi and Sith, light and dark, were bullshit.

The Force doesn't care, it just exists and can be used however you see fit.

Lucas never had a "light side"

# ¿ Jan 30, 2024 02:37

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

smellmycheese posted:

What’s really funny is that what they had to do was incredibly simple. Get the old gang back together for one last rip roaring adventure, introduce the new kids along the way, and hand over the torch in a dignified manner. It was that loving simple and they hosed it up in every imaginable way.

Just adapt The Glove of Darth Vader, cowards

Now some of the ideas might be dumb, like the main villain having incredible reverence for part of Vader's armor, or going underwater into the ruins of the Second Death Star to find a Sith artifact, or introducing a new young jedi character who ends up being palpy's grandkid, but I think it has potential.

# ¿ Feb 11, 2024 04:09

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 14:39

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Isometric Bacon posted:

I always think that Rian Johnson is unfairly shat upon for depicting Luke in TLJ as a reclusive hermit who's given up on the force, because how else are they going to pick up from where The Force Awakens left it?

I know people just wanted cool action scenes that looked like that one ghoulish scene in the Mandalorian where Luke kicks everyone's butt, but TFA established that he's been missing for years and has effectively ignored a hostile takeover of the galaxy and danger to his friends and family.

I've always assumed they never really thought much further beyond TFA needs an 'iconic looking end shot to tease the next film'.

crashed his spaceship

# ¿ Feb 16, 2024 23:53

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