The Mantis Wish

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Fruity20: Jul 28, 2018; Do you believe in magic, Tenno?

Title: the mantis' wish

genre: xenofiction

word count: 651

foreword: After writing this piece, I gained a lot of respect for the writing process. then again I always had but not to this degree. After doing this mod challenge perhaps I should do more short stories I guess. The story you're gonna word started a bit :nws:

in the beginning but ended up getting as safe for work as possible once some tangents were removed. Thankfully the latest piece can be posted here safely. Now, I don't look to highly at my work. There's moment where I feel something is missing, or the dialogue didn't feel right and other things. It's a super common thing I must admit and I hope you guys still kinda like it despite that. And for anyone wondering why I didn't join thunderdome, I wasn't interested. I liked the prompt but I loved my avatar too much to risk getting it replaced. also for the aforementioned reasons before. thanks everyone form the writing server for helping me be my best.

quote:

The purpose of life to say is a very pressing matter. Most claim it�s something that happens. We barely exist before we were born and we clearly don�t exist once we�re dead. For others, they don�t care. One�s instincts are too strong to bother with the mere questions of life. To them, all that mattered was to eat, sleep, and mate. Repeat again until finally, one is no more.
For a mantis, this is universal as expected for their species. When two mantises finish their courtship ritual, there's two possibilities: One is that both participants go their separate ways, most likely to die of exhaustion after so much love making. The other is death by cannibalism.

Corey hated the second possibility. Death was something he always feared. He valued his well-being more than anything else, even the idea of hunting prey. When he was a young, he barely left his place of birth, hoping each day a bug was unlucky enough to reach into his grasp. Once he was older, he had no choice but to leave as the leaf he used to stand on gave out and sent him into the cold dirt. It was like a rite of passage. No longer was he the wee mantis boy of yesterday but the grown mantis man of today, but what about the mantis of tomorrow, he wondered?

Sunrise on the horizon. Trees dressed up their finest pinks and butterflies came out of undergrowth to spread their wings. He heard the buzzing below his feet, and the wet dew of morning drenched his feelers and hide. His wide compound eyes picked up the slightest sight of interest. The tree branch he stood upon provided him the ideal spot to see everything, especially potential mates. Regardless of where he looked, however, he never spotted any. Not on the flowers, not on the grass, and not on the logs or ponds or anywhere else. They�re hiding from me, I know it. They�re planning an ambush on me!

He turned around. No one. He rested his sight elsewhere. He moved up another branch every once in awhile to get a better view. Still no one. He flew down on a flower. Only a bee, who then threatened to sting him. He stumbled off the edge and landed on the cold dirt, his old friend. He laid there for a bit, looking up at the sky wondering what he honestly did in his life. Nothing. The sky itself could agree as it was far bigger than he ever will be. But just before he thought he was meaningless, he heard a voice. A strange accent he never heard before in these parts.

�Oi!� a distant voice exclaimed. �What ya doin down there?�

Coming down from a single web strand came a spider, an orbweaver, looking straight into his eyes. �Don�t ya know the grounds full of worms?�

�Who cares,� he replied, gloomily, �I�m more at home here than in the trees.�

She was silent then went bursting in laughter, shaking herself up and down. �Ya sure is a weird fella. Most mantises I know are more tree or grass buggos�say, what�s your name?�

She stretched out her front limbs, expecting a handshake.

�C-Corey,� he stuttered, helping himself up with the aid of her hand.

�How�s bout we get ya up there, ey..pal?�

��Sure.�

The two bugs walked alongside each other, the sun in the sky slowly sinking down to where the land and sky met. As they looked onward, it seemed as though life did matter, regardless of whether you�re a spider, or a very paranoid mantis.
�Ya know,� said the orbweaver, looking at the sunset. �Great things are gonna happen someday. I don�t know what, but we might just like it!�

While the two interlocked legs, the sun finally left the sky, turning gold to grey. Time will tell when the next tomorrow comes.

# ? May 18, 2019 13:37

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 06:29

Saucy_Rodent: Oct 24, 2018; by Pragmatica

Crit: we don�t need the faux-intellectualism in the first paragraph. �Corey� is a dumb name for a mantis (or a person). You probably don�t need to give the mantis a name. �The mantis� will do just fine.

There�s an interesting idea in the story of a mantis whose only hope for meaningful connection means imminent death. Follow through on that. Perhaps he finds it in the spider, only for the spider to betray him by doing what spiders do.

You have some lush descriptions here. Use full sentences unless you have a really, really good reason not to, though.

# ? May 18, 2019 17:52

Fruity20: Jul 28, 2018; Do you believe in magic, Tenno?

Saucy_Rodent posted:

Crit: we don�t need the faux-intellectualism in the first paragraph. �Corey� is a dumb name for a mantis (or a person). You probably don�t need to give the mantis a name. �The mantis� will do just fine.

There�s an interesting idea in the story of a mantis whose only hope for meaningful connection means imminent death. Follow through on that. Perhaps he finds it in the spider, only for the spider to betray him by doing what spiders do.

You have some lush descriptions here. Use full sentences unless you have a really, really good reason not to, though.

thank you for this critique. I admit the first paragraph was a bit unnecessary and was the result of me thinking i needed 600 words for the story. now I went over that number, it's safe to rid of it next time.

now for some personal bias, I don't really like calling a animal character (unless stated otherwise) their species name as that implies their the only one...okay that sounds dumb but when I wanna introduce another that's the same species, do I call them ms mantis or mantis 2?

I'm not sure honestly. besides that point, I admit they introduction of the spider was half assed at best and I should have given it more weight than an afterthought.

# ? May 18, 2019 18:11

Phil Moscowitz: Feb 19, 2007; If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!

Maybe not have the mantises be named Steve and Betsy or poo poo like that?

# ? May 18, 2019 18:27

SelenicMartian: Sep 14, 2013; Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.

Fruity20 posted:

was the result of me thinking i needed 600 words for the story

So was the very last sentence

"Time will tell when the next tomorrow comes."

Just stop and think what it's telling the reader about the characters or the story.

# ? May 18, 2019 19:07

Fruity20: Jul 28, 2018; Do you believe in magic, Tenno?

SelenicMartian posted:

So was the very last sentence

"Time will tell when the next tomorrow comes."

Just stop and think what it's telling the reader about the characters or the story.

I honestly don't know how to end the story without feeling too open ended...maybe I should just rewrite this.

Fruity20 fucked around with this message at 23:49 on May 18, 2019

# ? May 18, 2019 23:38

Exmond: May 31, 2007; Writing is fun!

My crits will be in bold.

YOUR STORY!! YOU DID IT! posted:

The purpose of life to say is a very pressing matter. Most claim it�s something that happens. We barely exist before we were born and we clearly don�t exist once we�re dead. For others, they don�t care. One�s instincts are too strong to bother with the mere questions of life. To them, all that mattered was to eat, sleep, and mate. Repeat again until finally, one is no more. Okay, starting sentence is cool, we got some intellectual voice.

For a mantis, this is universal as expected for their species. Really tough to understand what you are trying to say here,and I stumble.When two mantises finish their courtship ritual, there's two possibilities: One is that both participants go their separate ways, most likely to die of exhaustion after so much love making. The other is death by cannibalism. See, this is way more clear. I understand this and it has a wry sense of humor

Corey hated the second possibility. Death was something he always feared. He valued his well-being more than anything else, even the idea of hunting prey. I don't think adding the hunting prey bit helps this sentence. When he was a young, he barely left his place of birth, hoping each day a bug was unlucky enough to reach into his grasp. Once he was older, he had no choice but to leave as the leaf he used to stand on gave out and sent him into the cold dirt. It was like a rite of passage. No longer was he the wee mantis boy of yesterday but the grown mantis man of today, but what about the mantis of tomorrow, he wondered? Neat sentence to end your paragraph on

Sunrise on the horizon. Trees dressed up their finest pinks and butterflies came out of undergrowth to spread their wings. He heard the buzzing below his feet, and the wet dew of morning drenched his feelers and hide. His wide compound eyes picked up the slightest sight of interest. The tree branch he stood upon provided him the ideal spot to see everything, especially potential mates. Regardless of where he looked, however, he never spotted any. Not on the flowers, not on the grass, and not on the logs or ponds or anywhere else. They�re hiding from me, I know it. They�re planning an ambush on me! K bit long on the description, but what's this ambush? Are females mantises going to ambush the hottest bachelor int he forest? Is the NHK out to get him? Are Space Whales going to murder him? Could play a bit more on the humor here

He turned around. No one. He rested his sight elsewhere. He moved up another branch every once in awhile to get a better view. Still no one. Okay he's paranoid, but who is "they"? The female mantises? Is he afraid of being randomly sexed and then murdered? Is Corey the hottest bachelor in town? He flew down on a flower. Only a bee, who then threatened to sting him. He stumbled off the edge and landed on the cold dirt, his old friend. He laid there for a bit, looking up at the sky wondering what he honestly did in his life. Nothing. The sky itself could agree as it was far bigger than he ever will be. But just before he thought he was meaningless, he heard a voice. A strange accent he never heard before in these parts.

�Oi!� a distant voice exclaimed. �What ya doin down there?�
K, we should get Corey's reaction here now. He's a paranoid Mantis that is the hottest bachelor in the forest. More importantly, since hes paranoid, I think closing in on his reaction might help continue that thread
Coming down from a single web strand came a spider, an orbweaver, looking straight into his eyes. �Don�t ya know the grounds full of worms?�

�Who cares,� he replied, gloomily, �I�m more at home here than in the trees.� Uhhh, aren't you like paranoid mr Mantis? Since we don't know what you are paranoid against (We are gonna have to assume female mantises) some readers might think your response is unjustified.

She was silent then went bursting in laughter, shaking herself up and down. �Ya sure is a weird fella. Most mantises I know are more tree or grass buggos�say, what�s your name?�

She stretched out her front limbs, expecting a handshake.

�C-Corey,� he stuttered, helping himself up with the aid of her hand.

�How�s bout we get ya up there, ey..pal?�

��Sure.�

The two bugs walked alongside each other, the sun in the sky slowly sinking down to where the land and sky met. As they looked onward, it seemed as though life did matter, regardless of whether you�re a spider, or a very paranoid mantis.
�Ya know,� said the orbweaver, looking at the sunset. �Great things are gonna happen someday. I don�t know what, but we might just like it!�

While the two interlocked legs, the sun finally left the sky, turning gold to grey. Time will tell when the next tomorrow comes.

So, this isn't bad. It's cute but doesn't really go anywhere. It's anthromorphic protagonist has a good central idea, but you don't introduce him soon enough I think.

This is a good foundation. I personally don't mind Corey the Mantis, but it sticks out because the spider didn't get a name. This is probably due to have 600 words.

I think you could add onto this. Hell the spider is probably afraid of having young, since spider's young eat their mothers. Good pairing that up with the mantis. I do think you need this story to go.. somewhere. Either Corey gets over this paranoia and enters a relationship with the spider, or something else happens right?

# ? May 19, 2019 05:12

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 06:29

Doctor Zero: Sep 21, 2002; Would you like a jelly baby?
It's been in my pocket through 4 regenerations,
but it's still good.

Okay, Fruity I know you've been posting in the Fiction Advice thread and some other people have given you some line edits, so I'm going to take this in a different direction.

One, great job for finishing a story! Honestly and not sarcastically, great first step. Now that doesn't mean the story is good, but that's okay. The point is you wrote a story and you are going to learn from it. Remember that not everything you write will be salvageable but you can always take things from it, and you are always learning. It's just a matter of how much you want to invest in re-writing something that might not work in the end, or trying something new.

There are some good things in your story! You have a good voice, and your descriptions tend to be effective. I hope you keep trying.

So this work itself has some issues as people pointed out. I personally liked the anthropomorphic mantis and spider. But the rest of the piece doesn't support what you are going for, so I recommend you re-read the piece (or anything you write) over again without trying to edit or critique it. Then, go have a cup of coffee, go for a walk, whatever, and ponder what the piece really means. Do this before you do any more writing on it. That way, when you go edit later, you can fix all the parts that don't fit the heart/meaning/theme of the story.

For example, is this piece about how someone who is down can find an unexpected friend? And it happens to be told with insects? Then maybe you play up the anthropomorphism. gently caress yeah, a Mantis named Corey, and a Spider named Fiona, and maybe some ants named Bill, Will, Phil, and Jill. Then you can go and fix up the rest, plot, conflict, etc. based on that.

Or, maybe it's supposed to be a bleak life-is-hollow in a clockwork universe piece. Then you drop the human names and go for more cold, harsh reality tone.

Also, based on that you can figure out what other issues you want to fix. Notice I said "want to fix." I think it was Neil Gaiman who said (or maybe he was quoting someone else) that readers' feedback is valid, but directions for how to fix it are not. Here it is

Gaiman posted:

Remember: when people tell you something's wrong or doesn't work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.

Some people say "Don't start with a philosophy lesson." others say "there's no conflict". These are both valid points (that I happen to agree with). But, if the point of your story is a vignette or slice of life, then there doesn't necessarily need to be overt conflict, although you break the rules of storytelling at your peril. For every storytelling rule, I can find classic and award winning stories that break it. But you have to learn the art of story construction first before you start altering the formula. I guess the short version is this: Decide if each point of a critique serves your story. If it does, consider fixing. If it doesn't, it's perfectly okay to ignore it and move on.

So this is what I suggest - Read our crits over the next week or so. Then let the story sit. Start writing something else! Come back to this in a week, reread the story and crits, and then re-write it and post it here. I'm really curious to see how you would improve it.

(and very mechanically, when asking for crits, resist the urge to preface with your discussion of the story, unless you specifically need feedback on a certain point. And then, I would only put it at the end. It turns people off to wade through a bunch of discussion before reading something, and then it affects the criticism. You want readers to go in cold. But maybe there's one scene that you truly can't decide if it belongs or not, and that's okay to ask as a pointed question after reading, although it's better to try it one way, and then a different way based on feedback).

Doctor Zero fucked around with this message at 15:12 on May 19, 2019

# ? May 19, 2019 14:53

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