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Walking placidly through airport security. "Excuse me sir, I'm going to need you to unlock your suitcase so we can YEEEEAAAAARRRGGH!!!" |
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Jun 26, 2019 00:08
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"Yeah, this is my emotional support velociraptor." "Alright sir, I just need some documentation." "Here you go!" "Hmmm. Okay, looks good. Enjoy your flight." |
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Jun 26, 2019 00:33
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rollin' my eyes everytime someone asks to see it do "that fan thing" my velociraptor is not here for your entertainment ok? |
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Jun 26, 2019 00:35
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i admire its magnificent plumage & scientifically accurate height and feel a great sense of sense of wellness wash over me
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Jun 26, 2019 00:47
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One day at the convenience store... Cashier: Sir, that’ll be $12.50, exact change only though... Raptor: **tap** **tap** **tap** Cashier: Um, is that thing alright? Me: I got PTSD and anxiety and if I get upset, then HE gets upset, and I don’t have exact change at the moment... Cashier: *eyes raptor with cautious terror* this ones on me, you go on ahead and have a nice day, now... Me: No, it’s alright, here’s a 20 and I’ll take these candy bars and this meat & cheese stick combo pack. Cashier: Thank you, God... thank you, God... thank you, God... Me: Take care, now! |
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Jun 26, 2019 01:00
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lost my old email posted:i admire its magnificent plumage & scientifically accurate height and feel a great sense of sense of wellness wash over me |
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Jun 26, 2019 01:09
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through all the screaming, crashing and eventually, gunfire, I'm frantically waving a piece of paper in the air, "It's ok, I have a permit!"
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Jun 26, 2019 01:17
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Splatmaster posted:One day at the convenience store... |
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Jun 26, 2019 01:43
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Today at therapy was really hard. I was sitting here crying and generally being miserable, when I felt a nudge at my knee. I looked down to see that Zeus, my service velociraptor, was doing his job... and brought me a severed arm. I would just like to remind you that *I don't own any severed arms* and I have no clue where he's getting them from. |
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Jun 26, 2019 01:48
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stepping over the pool of blood and calmly handing my service animal papers to the horrified mother |
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Jun 26, 2019 02:11
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a smile finally peeks through my numb expression when Vel drops his "gift" at my feet. i throw the severed hand over his head and he bounds after it, his playful screeching ringing through the night air. all is well. |
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Jun 26, 2019 02:17
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*best in show style camera angle* "i just love snookie, she just knows exactly what to do to cheer me up" *raptor screeching and shredding the kitchen table into dust and splinters* "confetti!! it's a party!!!!!" |
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Jun 26, 2019 03:41
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my support velociraptor, Hebrides, can smell fear. this lets her sense my existential dread and lay her ripping maw on my knee before i have time to start crying |
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Jun 26, 2019 14:34
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lost my old email posted:i admire its magnificent plumage & scientifically accurate height and feel a great sense of sense of wellness wash over me Splatmaster posted:One day at the convenience store... GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:through all the screaming, crashing and eventually, gunfire, I'm frantically waving a piece of paper in the air, "It's ok, I have a permit!" |
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Jun 26, 2019 14:54
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Android Blues posted:my support velociraptor, Hebrides, can smell fear. this lets her sense my existential dread and lay her ripping maw on my knee before i have time to start crying As I feel the shadow of depression falling over me, I see something out of the corner of my eye - it's my emotional support raptor come to cheer me up! It's uncanny the way she seems to always know when I need her most. "Clever girl." I tell her as she moves in for the hug.
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Jun 26, 2019 15:09
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Stoner Sloth posted:As I feel the shadow of depression falling over me, I see something out of the corner of my eye - it's my emotional support raptor come to cheer me up! So glad the Australian poster who works with dangerous animals for a living ended up being the one to say "Clever girl"
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Jun 26, 2019 15:14
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:through all the screaming, crashing and eventually, gunfire, I'm frantically waving a piece of paper in the air, "It's ok, I have a permit!"
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Jun 26, 2019 16:12
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No bad velociraptors. |
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Jun 26, 2019 16:32
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my pet velociraptor likes to watch tv after it kills my whole family |
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Jun 26, 2019 17:45
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*walks into airplane* *Sees a lady and her emotional support raptor received a whole row to themselves* Clever girl... |
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Jun 26, 2019 17:52
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Flight attendant: I'm very sorry sir, but we're overbooked. (screams, snarls, sounds of flesh ripping and bones snapping) Me: Now you're not. Flight attendant: Enjoy your flight. |
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Jun 26, 2019 18:10
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My husband has regularly been challenged by supermarket security guards asking 'Is that a real Guide Dog?'* He expects similar confrontations with his new Guide Velociraptor but feels the subsequent interaction will be quite different. * No, really. Apparently having a black guide dog instead of a yellow one is an anathema to a non-zero number of men in blue acrylic jumpers.
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Jun 26, 2019 19:49
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I remember making this joke before except with a tiger but its even better with a velociraptor because it seems more fear inducing to me.
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Jun 26, 2019 22:39
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Twenty Four posted:I remember making this joke before except with a tiger but its even better with a velociraptor because it seems more fear inducing to me. Me and my emotional support ghost that climbs out of a television and is always dripping wet and climbs out of the drain when you're in the shower and licks the back of your neck with her head turned backwards |
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Jun 26, 2019 22:42
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I'm on the verge of another panic attack. Then, I feel the comforting lick, cold as the grave, and the soft susurrus of Rover's breath. I know I can always count on her. A third hand emerges from my scalp and helps me shampoo my hair, which is very soothing, actually. |
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Jun 26, 2019 22:43
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Stranger: "oh is that your emotional support velociraptor? how cool!" Me: "Yeah! do you want to feed her?" Stranger: "Sure!!" Me: "Go ahead!" Stranger, after a long pause: "Umm, so do you have anything to give it to eat?" Me: *nods, gestures towards the stranger, then the velociraptor* Stranger: "oh.... oh."
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Jun 26, 2019 22:44
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My doctor, holding up a huge dinosaur claw: OK, try to imagine yourself with an Emotional Support Velociraptor. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey" as you feel yourself starting to cry. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you pretend everything is fine because you think that maybe his emotional understanding is based on superficial cues like T-Rex - he'll lose you if just pretend that you were laughing instead. But no, not Velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the emotional support comes. Not from the front, but from the side.
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Jun 27, 2019 00:04
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:My doctor, holding up a huge dinosaur claw: OK, try to imagine yourself with an Emotional Support Velociraptor. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey" as you feel yourself starting to cry. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you pretend everything is fine because you think that maybe his emotional understanding is based on superficial cues like T-Rex - he'll lose you if just pretend that you were laughing instead. But no, not Velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the emotional support comes. Not from the front, but from the side. |
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Jun 27, 2019 00:32
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Oh great, some idiot brought their emotional support protoceratops on the plane. I think we all know how this one ends. |
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Jun 27, 2019 00:34
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Hugh Malone posted:rollin' my eyes everytime someone asks to see it do "that fan thing" Oh come on man, having it kill ONE sleeping Korean is no big deal. Please? |
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Jun 27, 2019 03:14
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I've resigned myself to never getting my security deposit back, but in better news, my neighbors have been very, very quiet. |
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Jun 27, 2019 05:59
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Oh I'm sorry, spikey gets a little excited when he hears machinery because it reminds him if the feeding crane they used to lower cows into his cage when he was little. It's ok, I have bleach and some mops in my car. You really don't need to call the coroner, I got this. Please please just put down the phone. |
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Jun 27, 2019 15:58
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asdf |
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Jun 27, 2019 17:07
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SERVICE ANIMAL DO NOT PET |
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Jun 27, 2019 18:09
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cat_herder posted:I've resigned myself to never getting my security deposit back, but in better news, my neighbors have been very, very quiet. canyoneer posted:SERVICE ANIMAL
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Jun 27, 2019 18:26
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canyoneer posted:SERVICE ANIMAL
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Jun 27, 2019 19:46
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My emotional support velociraptor... when she looks at you, you can see she's working things out. She kept hugging me when our therapy sessions came, but never the same way twice. She was testing me for insecurities, systematically. She remembers. |
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Jun 28, 2019 16:10
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He ain't heavy, he's my emotional support velociraptor....
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Jun 28, 2019 16:31
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my insurance covers therapods, but not therapy |
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Jun 29, 2019 05:16
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| # ? May 14, 2024 07:17 |
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This gentle animal is helping me recover from the PTSD I got seeing my brother get eaten by a velociraptor |
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Jun 29, 2019 06:43
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