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The midwest is a land of decay and despair. Amidst crumbling roads, rusting auto plants, and inexplicable confederate flags dotting the countryside, are four teams that, together, have caused unmatched anguish and misery to their fans over a collective three and a half centuries of existence. Let's review: THE GREEN FUCKS  Founded in 1919, the Green Bay Packers have unquestionably had the most success of this cursed division, having won as many Superbowls as the Vikings have lost. Which seems great, until you remember they won two of those titles before the merger, since then have managed a success rate of one (1) championship per hall of fame quarterback, and have spent most of the last decade wasting the prime of one of the greatest players in league history. But can they turn things around? Will this be the year Aaron Rodgers hoists his second Lombardi? The answer, of course, is no. THE CHICAGO FUCKS  Nearly as old as the Packers, the Chicago Bears are a team well versed in futility. Aside from a brief, fleeting glimpse of success in the Reagan years, and during World War II when they really should have been off fighting the Nazis, the Chicago Bears have enjoyed a long run of mediocrity broken up only by brief flirtations with a sex cannon and the living incarnation of apathy. These days they have the enigma of Mitch "Tittiekisser" Trubisky, whose status as a good or bad quarterback changes with the tides, and Khalil Mack, who is a terrifying monstrosity that cannot be stopped. Suffice it to say, the Bears will likely kill several quarterbacks this year, their fans will wish death on their own, and many field goals will be missed on their way to a first-round playoff loss. THE CHRIST ALMIGHTY WHY DO I ROOT FOR THESE FUCKS  There is literally nothing negative you can say about the Detroit Lions that has not already been said by their fans. If you root for this team, it's because you've already died and are in hell. The only thing worse than the crushing losses is the constant delusion that things might one day get better. still got a four game winning streak against the packers though lol also the only team in the division capable of making field goals THE PURPLE FUCKS  As the baby of the division it would take a lot of hard work and effort for the Minnesota VIkings to match the misery and disappointment generated by its siblings, but boy howdy have they delivered. Have as many Superbowls as the Lions despite the Lions literally never showing up to the game, and their kickers are literally cursed by black magic. Current hopes rest on the fully guaranteed arm of Kirk Cousins, and we all know how that is going to end up. Anyway this season is going to be terrible and: TITTIEKISSER69 posted:I hate you, you hate me Acebuckeye13 fucked around with this message at 06:35 on Aug 1, 2019 |
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Jul 31, 2019 06:08
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Da Bears
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Jul 31, 2019 06:40
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Dexo posted:Da Bears Suck
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Jul 31, 2019 06:48
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As do the packers, mind you
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Jul 31, 2019 06:50
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I found out while looking up other stuff that the Green Bay Packers were one of two NFL teams that got into trouble for using high school players in game. The other was from Wisconsin too.
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Jul 31, 2019 06:52
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Vikings will win the division this season. 
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Jul 31, 2019 07:22
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I appreciate that the Bears gif features them getting clowned on by the Pack. Good job OP 
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Jul 31, 2019 07:53
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NFC North: We Hate Life And Ourselves
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Jul 31, 2019 12:32
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This is Detroit's year.
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Jul 31, 2019 12:45
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Pops Mgee posted:I appreciate that the Bears gif features them getting clowned on by the Pack. Good job OP You really hate to see a once proud franchise reduced to taking pyrrhic victories
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Jul 31, 2019 14:01
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CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:This is Detroit's year. The Little Caesars of the NFL.
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Jul 31, 2019 16:31
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I love my football team I love my mediocre QB that I convince myself can be a franchise guy I love my coach with his stupid coach truisms and coach speak I love my defense that tears people’s heads off I love their dumb postgame rituals It’s been at least a decade since the Bears made the playoffs, and even longer since they made the playoffs and have the ability to be even better the next year. I’m a full homer now.
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Jul 31, 2019 17:09
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Jul 31, 2019 17:29
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The last time the Lions won their division, I was 2 years old. The last time they won a playoff game was the year I was born. The last time they won a championship was the year my mother was born. The Lions' Why Your Team Sucks entry is coming today, so that's nice.
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Jul 31, 2019 17:50
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C-Euro posted:NFC North: We Hate Life And Ourselves Is “We hate each other almost as much as ourselves” too long? Hell, is it already being used?
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Jul 31, 2019 18:52
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NFCN: No matter what happens at least we aren't the Lions
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Jul 31, 2019 19:11
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NFC North: The Vikings, Packers, Bears, and the rest.
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Jul 31, 2019 19:12
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the bears are going to make me so sad this year
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Jul 31, 2019 19:23
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And here it is: https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-detroit-lions-1836829578 After a quick scan it appears that ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER is still enjoying his freedom and is not in the fan letters. Shine on, brother, and may you never return to this wretched place.
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Jul 31, 2019 19:27
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I like the title, I'm doing that little sing song voice in my head
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Jul 31, 2019 19:31
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tinstaach posted:And here it is: https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-detroit-lions-1836829578 judging by his twitter feed he's still in MI. at least, I recognize a lot of the places he's posting.
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Jul 31, 2019 20:51
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GNU Order posted:I love my football team The Bears made the playoffs last year. Most of the scoring was done by the kicker, who ultimately had his final kick tipped and double doink the goalposts, in case you forgot.
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Jul 31, 2019 21:10
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Hot Diggity! posted:The Bears made the playoffs last year. Most of the scoring was done by the kicker, who ultimately had his final kick tipped and double doink the goalposts, in case you forgot. Ah yes huh I totally forgot. I’ll go back to that great classic TFF routine of loudly proclaiming my football team is terrible and that I hate having to watch them play
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Jul 31, 2019 21:22
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Hot Diggity! posted:The Bears made the playoffs last year. Most of the scoring was done by the kicker, who ultimately had his final kick tipped and double doink the goalposts, in case you forgot. Thanks, we might have forgotten if you hadn't mentioned it to us. *Hides my head so no one can see my anguish* At least we aren't the Lions.
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Jul 31, 2019 21:23
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sweet geek swag posted:At least we aren't the Lions. 
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Jul 31, 2019 21:30
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Jul 31, 2019 21:47
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exactly what I've been saying to all these lazy rear end "Kirk Cousins needs to step up this year" and "100 million guaranteed DURRR" comments I've been seeing all around the nfl media https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPUG9FfrY9c Like, the dude's still kirk cousins, he's not gonna turn into Patrick Mahomes but he had a career year last year and was basically as good as you could ever hope for. Play fucked around with this message at 21:59 on Jul 31, 2019 |
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Jul 31, 2019 21:54
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Pops Mgee posted:I appreciate that the Bears gif features them getting clowned on by the Pack. Good job OP Incredibly, 2 of the 4 gifs involve the Seahawks who are apparently some kind of NFC north clownball enablers (The punch out of the endzone could have made it 3 of 4 even)
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Jul 31, 2019 22:00
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Play posted:exactly what I've been saying to all these lazy rear end "Kirk Cousins needs to step up this year" and "100 million guaranteed DURRR" comments I've been seeing all around the nfl media Cousins had such a trash offensive line too. I feel like people are sleeping hard on the Vikings. If they fix their offensive line problems, they are as complete a team as there is in the NFL. Last season, the Vikings were a crushing disappointment based on expectations and still finished above .500.
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Aug 1, 2019 00:32
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I really think the Lions can be good this year. And by good I mean Lions Good™, which is to say oh maybe 9-7 and back their way into an embarrassing Wild Card loss.
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Aug 1, 2019 00:47
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Sataere posted:Cousins had such a trash offensive line too. I feel like people are sleeping hard on the Vikings. If they fix their offensive line problems, they are as complete a team as there is in the NFL. I agree with one caveat: wide receivers. They've got Thielen and Diggs, who are fantastic late-round/undrafted gems. But you saw Treadwell dropping crucial passes in that video and the dudes they've brought in behind those top two guys are questionable to say the least (Chad Beebe, Brandon Zylstra, a few other guys I don't know). The whole offense could fall apart if Thielen gets injured. But the main thing the Vikings need to be able to do is run the drat ball. With their defense what they should be is a ball control offense that methodically moves down the field, NOT a team relying on loving Kirk Cousins to go totally ham through the air on third and long over and over. I couldn't possibly imagine a worse gameplan than that
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Aug 1, 2019 01:00
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Styles Bitchley posted:I really think the Lions can be good this year. They certainly have the defensive line for it-by PFF metrics we went from one of the worst to one of the best lines in the league practically overnight.
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Aug 1, 2019 01:03
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Play posted:I agree with one caveat: wide receivers. They've got Thielen and Diggs, who are fantastic late-round/undrafted gems. But you saw Treadwell dropping crucial passes in that video and the dudes they've brought in behind those top two guys are questionable to say the least (Chad Beebe, Brandon Zylstra, a few other guys I don't know). The whole offense could fall apart if Thielen gets injured. I'm confused. Are you saying the Vikings wide receivers aren't good?
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Aug 1, 2019 01:34
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Acebuckeye13 posted:They certainly have the defensive line for it-by PFF metrics we went from one of the worst to one of the best lines in the league practically overnight. Snacks was a steal and we should pay him
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Aug 1, 2019 01:55
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Sataere posted:I'm confused. Are you saying the Vikings wide receivers aren't good? He is saying there is no WR depth. He isn't wrong.
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Aug 1, 2019 03:51
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I hate you, you hate me We all hate our loving teams With a  Pick-Six E-stab-lish-the-run Go find me a loaded gun
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Aug 1, 2019 05:53
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TITTIEKISSER69 posted:I hate you, you hate me  Add this to the op
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Aug 1, 2019 06:04
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i believe in mitchell
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Aug 1, 2019 06:19
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tinstaach posted:And here it is: https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-detroit-lions-1836829578 That last one about the Lions being the best sports team in Detroit is a drum that I've been beating for a few years 
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Aug 1, 2019 14:42
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I wonder what will happen to the Lions once Martha kicks the bucket.
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Aug 1, 2019 14:55
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