Nintendo e-mailed me, wants me to make Mario "cool"

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Nintendo e-mailed me, wants me to make Mario "cool"

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Plant MONSTER.: I was watching simpsons at 0.75 without knowing until a scene where homer and bart were getting back massages at a hotel and the noises they were making were super drawn out like a youtube poop

The Mario is just not what he used to be. The kids don't buy the Mario these days for the reason of this being he is not seen as cool as some of the other more popular brands.

Nintendo approached me as I was walking around outside, gathering daisies to admire and to sniff at home. Nintendo said they'd pay me big big bucks if I can make Mario cool and wanted to see if I could make that whole thing successful for them.

Well, Byob, I'm here to spread the bucks because I haven't a clue how to make Mario cool again. They gave me Mario.

and I don't know what to do.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 20:42

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# ? May 5, 2024 22:37

Armitage: "Mathman's not here." "Oh? Where is he?" "He's in the Mathroom."

make Mario wear zubaz

# ? Sep 12, 2019 21:54

beer pal

birks are back baby. put mario in some birkinstocks. get mario some of those round lens wire frame glasses. high waisted jeans. the moustache can stay. nobodys wearing hats these days. buzz cut mario. juice cleanse mario. give mario some product placement. mario likes soylent now. his day is too busy to eat so mario drinks soylent. mario takes uber but feels bad about it. mario wore an apple watch for a few weeks but reconsidered.

https://i.imgur.com/xQxnooW.png

# ? Sep 12, 2019 21:58

Dell_Zincht

"Ice-a Me, Mario!"

# ? Sep 12, 2019 22:03

Heather Papps: hello friend

he loves his juul

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:12

Heather Papps: hello friend

also i mean isn't it time for mario to either shave or grow a full beard?
come on

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:13

Bacon Taco: Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN

Heather Papps posted:

he loves his juul

mario is a "vaper" who makes it cool to vape by saying things like "hey mom I want to vape"

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:23

Heather Papps: hello friend

itsa me, mario!
i'm here to vape, and my juul is fully charged
yahoo!

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:28

Soul Reaver: in retrospect the old redtext was a little over the top, I think I was in a bad mood that day. it appears you've learned your lesson about slagging our gods and masters at beamdog but I'm still going to leave this av up because i think its funny

god bless

If there's one thing I know it's that anything superhero related is incredibly popular and will make people go see it.

Everyone already knows that Mario can be Super Mario. We work off that premise in the reboot.

Powers include:
- Ability to quadruple his mass
- Super strength (smashing through solid brick walls with ease, ability to leap many times his own height)
- Super speed
- Projecting pulses of fire (plasma?) from his hands
- Ability to hold his breath forever
- Can get limited flight powers by the use of a super-suit with a limited power supply
- Can consume entire stars in return for temporary complete invulnerability and ability to charge through enemies in an unstoppable rage

That's a pretty robust, badass set of powers. I propose launching this reboot of the character in film form. It should include his origin story (something involving a radioactive mushroom grown illegally by a unscrupulous private corporation?) with lots of busting through walls, learning to throw plasma and jump really high. He'll later have only a very limited amount of time to stop some sort of sky-beam and save the strong, independent but emotionally damaged woman (maybe she is an ex-stripper turned secret government assassin?) "Peach" from the CEO of the evil corporation, who in a desperate bid to thwart Super Mario has combined his DNA with turtles and also dragons.
Thought: include a high-octane Kart racing sequence though the streets of New York.
Be sure to include Luigi and Wario in the credits stinger.

Then make games based on the movie based on the games.

I'd like my share of the Nintendobucks now please.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:31

Heather Papps: hello friend

Soul Reaver posted:

If there's one thing I know it's that anything superhero related is incredibly popular and will make people go see it.

Everyone already knows that soinc can be Super sonic. We work off that premise in the reboot.

Powers include:
- Ability to quadruple his mass
- Super strength (smashing through solid brick walls with ease, ability to leap many times his own height)
- Super speed
- Projecting pulses of electricity (plasma?) from his hands
- Ability to hold his breath forever
- Can get limited flight powers by the use of a super-suit with a limited power supply
- Can consume entire rings in return for temporary complete invulnerability and ability to charge through enemies in an unstoppable rage

That's a pretty robust, badass set of powers. I propose launching this reboot of the character in film form. It should include his origin story (something involving a radioactive ring created illegally by a unscrupulous private corporation?) with lots of busting through walls, learning to throw plasma and jump really high. He'll later have only a very limited amount of time to stop some sort of sky-beam and save the strong, independent but emotionally damaged woman (maybe she is an ex-stripper turned secret government assassin?) "Rose/Amy" from the CEO of the evil corporation, who in a desperate bid to thwart Super Sonic has combined his DNA with turtles and also dragons.
Thought: include a high-octane Kart racing sequence though the streets of New York.
Be sure to include Tails and Knuckles in the credits stinger.

Then make games based on the movie based on the games.

I'd like my share of the Segabucks now please.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:34

Soul Reaver: in retrospect the old redtext was a little over the top, I think I was in a bad mood that day. it appears you've learned your lesson about slagging our gods and masters at beamdog but I'm still going to leave this av up because i think its funny

god bless

Heather Papps posted:

This is dumb, it is a well known fact that Sonic cannot hold his breath forever.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:39

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

skateboard, sunglasses, and Jams brand shorts op

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:43

Heather Papps: hello friend

Soul Reaver posted:

This is dumb, it is a well known fact that Sonic cannot hold his breath forever.

ITS A REBOOT OK

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:43

Soul Reaver: in retrospect the old redtext was a little over the top, I think I was in a bad mood that day. it appears you've learned your lesson about slagging our gods and masters at beamdog but I'm still going to leave this av up because i think its funny

god bless

Heather Papps posted:

ITS A REBOOT OK

Sure if you want to be like DC that doesn't know what makes their superheroes popular.
You'll be removing one of the main sources of tension from a sonic movie if he can hold his breath forever.
This is almost as bad as the new DCMU superman who is not sure if he should be superheroing.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 23:48

lost my old email

i tried to wrestle mario into the zubaz but his surprisingly powerful legs were to be my foil

_{_{_{_{_{_{woooooo tiny shout out to deaf sex woooooooo it is spooky and i should have slept more posting up a storm this night wooooooooooooo i say. tiny shout out to mocking quantum also that guy rules. whoooooooooooo}}}}}}

# ? Sep 13, 2019 00:00

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

I think he should be greek

# ? Sep 13, 2019 00:41

Manifisto

mario is now a mascot/spokesperson for the fossil fuel industry, there's nothing cooler than that

that's what the kids are into these days, right? a character who's not afraid to challenge scientific orthodoxy about carbon emissions?

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:08

Korean Boomhauer

mario can swear now

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:32

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

Manifisto posted:

mario is now a mascot/spokesperson for the fossil fuel industry, there's nothing cooler than that

that's what the kids are into these days, right? a character who's not afraid to challenge scientific orthodoxy about carbon emissions?

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:33

Korean Boomhauer

they dont give bowser speaking roles any more because of what happened in mario kart

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:33

Korean Boomhauer

Manifisto posted:

mario is now a mascot/spokesperson for the fossil fuel industry, there's nothing cooler than that

that's what the kids are into these days, right? a character who's not afraid to challenge scientific orthodoxy about carbon emissions?

someone at work gave me a bp pop socket and i still have it some where

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:34

nut

the extended lego universe and funk pop present luigi toy

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:35

Heather Papps: hello friend

Korean Boomhauer posted:

mario can swear now

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 13, 2019 01:59

nut

# ? Sep 13, 2019 02:19

Lil Swamp Booger Baby

Change his name to Martanius, give him a trenchcoat but don't change his shoes or gloves and his eyes glow red. His mustache points straight both ways and is black and spiky. He looks at the camera and player and says "This darkness will consume you as it consumed me, WAHOO!"

# ? Sep 13, 2019 02:28

treasure bear

what if mario do plumbing

# ? Sep 13, 2019 04:09

beer pal

mario joins a militant plumbers' union

https://i.imgur.com/xQxnooW.png

# ? Sep 13, 2019 04:31

Twenty Four

beer pal posted:

juice cleanse mario.

the title of the next game lol

# ? Sep 13, 2019 05:05

Papa Was A Video Toaster

Heather Papps posted:

also i mean isn't it time for mario to either shave or grow a full beard?
come on

i am terrified by either prospect

# ? Sep 13, 2019 05:24

Heather Papps: hello friend

wait till you see his new "cover alls"

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 13, 2019 05:31

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Spiky hair, Rollerblades and a pistol. You're welcome

# ? Sep 13, 2019 06:59

Escape From Noise

First, make Mario part of the coolest, most hip, and deffest crew of all time: The Christians.

Mario now no longer gets his power ups from mushrooms (drug reference), leaves (witchcraft/Wicca reference), flowers (Buddhism reference) but from the Bible (embiggens the smallest man), halos (gives him angel wings), and lit candles (holy cleansing fire).

When Mario dies he now clasps his hands together in prayer before ascending to heaven before God Almighty.

Bowser is now Lucifer, not much of his look needs to change. Just add some leathery wings and backmasking.

Mario must now propose to Princess Peach in a church by a priest before the eyes of God. Same for Luigi and Daisy. Toad must take a vow of celibacy and promise to no longer lust after the princesses.

Make Yoshi a lamb.

Instead of jumping on a flagpole at the end of levels Mario must turn the pages of/read scripture.

Edit: Also make Mario a youth pastor.

Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 08:41 on Sep 13, 2019

# ? Sep 13, 2019 08:30

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

First, make Mario part of the coolest, most hip, and deffest crew of all time: The Christians.

Mario now no longer gets his power ups from mushrooms (drug reference), leaves (witchcraft/Wicca reference), flowers (Buddhism reference) but from the Bible (embiggens the smallest man), halos (gives him angel wings), and lit candles (holy cleansing fire).

When Mario dies he now clasps his hands together in prayer before ascending to heaven before God Almighty.

Bowser is now Lucifer, not much of his look needs to change. Just add some leathery wings and backmasking.

Mario must now propose to Princess Peach in a church by a priest before the eyes of God. Same for Luigi and Daisy. Toad must take a vow of celibacy and promise to no longer lust after the princesses.

Make Yoshi a lamb.

Instead of jumping on a flagpole at the end of levels Mario must turn the pages of/read scripture.

Edit: Also make Mario a youth pastor.

This is just crazy enough to work! But what about the other characters, the enemies, like goombas and piranha plants and poo poo?

# ? Sep 13, 2019 10:13

Escape From Noise

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

This is just crazy enough to work! But what about the other characters, the enemies, like goombas and piranha plants and poo poo?

Goombas become fedora-wearing athiests
Koopa Troopers, D&D players
Koopalings, university professors
Hammer Brothers, activist judges

# ? Sep 13, 2019 10:37

nut

mario be slangin

# ? Sep 13, 2019 10:40

Stooge

hi, forumposter stooge here with some forumpost ideas to make mario cool:

he can burp the alphabet

commits crimes

skateboard???

says bodacious everytime he junps

# ? Sep 13, 2019 12:24

Plant MONSTER.: I was watching simpsons at 0.75 without knowing until a scene where homer and bart were getting back massages at a hotel and the noises they were making were super drawn out like a youtube poop

Thanks you guys are lifesavers!!

I printed this thread out and sent it to Nintendo by e-mail so now we just gotta wait, I guess!

# ? Sep 13, 2019 13:20

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

wait he needs a cool catchphrase to relate to the kids, so they know he's really cool

# ? Sep 13, 2019 13:23

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

like, "alriiiiiiight!"

# ? Sep 13, 2019 13:23

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# ? May 5, 2024 22:37

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

oh yeah and he smokes

# ? Sep 13, 2019 13:25

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Nintendo e-mailed me, wants me to make Mario "cool"

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