Ways to induce labor

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Ways to induce labor

alnilam

vaping is the wave of the future. you can probably mod a vape pen with some tape and a stick to make it into an induction valve, and then hit the pen and the sweet smel of mango pineapple flavored vape juice will lure that baby out like a pie on a windowsill luring a floating cartoon hobo

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Sep 17, 2019 01:44

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# ? May 15, 2024 13:06

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

alnilam posted:

vaping is the wave of the future. you can probably mod a vape pen with some tape and a stick to make it into an induction valve, and then hit the pen and the sweet smel of mango pineapple flavored vape juice will lure that baby out like a pie on a windowsill luring a floating cartoon hobo

vaping is bad for babies, we're back to giving them unfiltered camel wides ok

just tape a stick to your smokes, bruh

# ? Sep 17, 2019 01:46

Goons Are Gifts

Don't forget that for kids nowadays it's cool to be late for the party, just send six 4 minute long voicemails in a loud environment to ask where she's at so she can read but not answer them to really find out whether or not you should hold your breath for her to come over.

# ? Sep 17, 2019 02:07

Goons Are Gifts

#gettingborn #wombselfie #firstvaginafuckyeah

# ? Sep 17, 2019 02:10

nut

very carefully

# ? Sep 17, 2019 02:31

treasure bear

you've already lost the upper hand in these negotiations, your position is untenable

# ? Sep 17, 2019 02:42

Winifred Madgers

Plunger

be sure to lick it clean first though

# ? Sep 17, 2019 03:57

vanisher

treasure bear posted:

you've already lost the upper hand in these negotiations, your position is untenable

baby: I dont need this deal. I'm ready to walk

Me: really, baby? then walk away

(baby flails around)

:smug:

# ? Sep 17, 2019 04:11

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Custard. A lot of it.

Also serious answer, any form of good exercise like walking or for real, adult times where you do the things that got you in this predicament in the first place cooking dinner anyway good luck buddy

# ? Sep 17, 2019 04:35

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

Leaving the womb is hard. Try luring the baby out with promises of a larger, more luxurious womb.

At this rate, I am pretty sure it NEEDS it... I thought I was watching the new Alien movie yesterday.

Goons Are Great posted:

Open byob on your phone and lay it between your wife's legs. It'll come out to post in no time.

So, I've got a lurker baby? OMG!!!

hamjobs posted:

also not to scare your wife but i was legit three weeks overdue, please go to the hospital if it's more than a week and threaten a doctor with a home orchiectomy if you have to but it is totally normal to be late however UNCOMFORTABLE AS gently caress WHO DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA I SWEAR TO GOD it is

Mm yeah - 3rd day now. We be expecting it to be around 9 LBS atm.

We've tried cooking dinner several times too, not working!

- - - -

I love you all guys <3

Uxzuigal fucked around with this message at 09:54 on Sep 17, 2019

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Sep 17, 2019 09:28

Escape From Noise

Buy a puppy to make the baby jealous.

# ? Sep 17, 2019 09:32

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

Thoughts on the situation so far:

It's taking so long it feels like a maternity.

Other kids seem overly worried that my wife actually ATE a baby when we tell them there is one in her belly >.<

My wife might be a ninja, so if I die in mysterious ways, please check that one out: She sends me away and goes on secret missions like climbing tall ladders and doing stuff in the rafters when I am gone... because she knows I wouldn't allow it.

She might also be a bird: She is doing a hell of a lot of nesting.

Can you be a bird ninja? And what does that mean for me?

(Are penguins birds? She walks like one!)

I am a big Doom fan, do you think I could do the umbilical cord with a chainsaw while shouting "RIP AND TEAR BABY, RIP AND TEAR!" ?

What is the best way to raise a chestburster? There might actually be an alien in there... like, seriously. I've got a video tape.

Asking for a friend: does someone have the phone number to Ridley Scott?

(A side-note, if you have a baby in Las Vegas, does it have to stay there??)

Uxzuigal fucked around with this message at 09:54 on Sep 17, 2019

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Sep 17, 2019 09:44

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Uxzuigal posted:

Thoughts on the situation so far:

It's taking so long it feels like a maternity.

Other kids seem overly worried that my wife actually ATE a baby when we tell them there is one in her belly >.<

My wife might be a ninja, so if I die in mysterious ways, please check that one out: She sends me away and goes on secret missions like climbing tall ladders and doing stuff in the rafters when I am gone... because she knows I wouldn't allow it.

She might also be a bird: She is doing a hell of a lot of nesting.

Can you be a bird ninja? And what does that mean for me?

(Are penguins birds? She walks like one!)

I am a big Doom fan, do you think I could do the umbilical cord with a chainsaw while shouting "RIP AND TEAR BABY, RIP AND TEAR!" ?

What is the best way to raise a chestburster? There might actually be an alien in there... like, seriously. I've got a video tape.

Asking for a friend: does someone have the phone number to Ridley Scott?

(A side-note, if you have a baby in Las Vegas, does it have to stay there??)

These are all good questions and I'm glad you asked them.
Answers:
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
No
No

# ? Sep 17, 2019 10:36

nut

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

These are all good questions and I'm glad you asked them.
Answers:
Lol
Lol
Lol
Lol
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
No
No

# ? Sep 17, 2019 11:14

Starshark

Play the opening notes of Beethoven's fifth symphony and then stop. The baby will come out to complete the work. This works better if your baby has OCD.

# ? Sep 17, 2019 11:15

alnilam

Starshark posted:

Play the opening notes of Beethoven's fifth symphony and then stop. The baby will come out to complete the work. This works better if your baby has OCD.

Do "shave and a haircut" and leave off the two bits :twisted:

_{ty manifisto}

# ? Sep 17, 2019 11:35

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

hamjobs posted:

ok so i read a lot about babies and it looks like you're going to need forceps and something called an induction valve to pop the amniotic sac but since we don't have those i have a mariokart 64 cartridge, a gold plunger and a bunch of funyuns and we're gonna have to wing it

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Sep 17, 2019 12:26

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Buy the baby a buck skin coat

# ? Sep 17, 2019 16:11

Escape From Noise

hamjobs posted:

Buy the baby a buck skin coat

Or a bear skin rug.

Thank you Pot Smoke Pheonnix for this Kickin' Rad sig

# ? Sep 17, 2019 17:42

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

Theory:

Womans reproductive organs are black holes - we know time passes more slowly in there - it would explain why the baby is now 4 days overdue.

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Sep 17, 2019 23:18

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Or a bear skin rug.

both buY THE BABY BOTH OMG BEST IDEA

# ? Sep 17, 2019 23:29

Kaiser Schnitzel: Schnitzel mit uns

Uxzuigal posted:

Theory:

Womans reproductive organs are black holes - we know time passes more slowly in there - it would explain why the baby is now 4 days overdue.

Can you change the due date to be in 2.5 weeks so the baby is not late anymore? my old boss used to do this all the time and it never once ended in disaster

https://i.imgur.com/R8ctked.mp4
ty Manifisto for this wonderful sig!

# ? Sep 18, 2019 00:15

Heather Papps: hello friend

Uxzuigal posted:

Theory:

Womans reproductive organs are black holes - we know time passes more slowly in there - it would explain why the baby is now 4 days overdue.

my niece was supposed to be born on the 15th of sept, my b day. she was born i think the 22nd and the birthing was so traumatic my sister developed um what uh post partum mania. it was weird as poo poo.

i am praying for you.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Sep 18, 2019 01:05

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

Kaiser Schnitzel posted:

Can you change the due date to be in 2.5 weeks so the baby is not late anymore? my old boss used to do this all the time and it never once ended in disaster

Sounds like a great business man - but I have a deadline it would crash into if it doesn't come this week! And when two unstoppable forces collide, the world ends... so , yeah - no we cannot do that.

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Sep 18, 2019 08:35

Twenty Four

Threaten the baby that if it is going to keep being late for labor, that you will fire it.

# ? Sep 18, 2019 10:22

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

Twenty Four posted:

Threaten the baby that if it is going to keep being late for labor, that you will fire it.

There will be no jobs in the future anyways, it will leech of me until adult -when the skynet takes over.

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Sep 18, 2019 10:46

nut

look baby u have one final rerun of the season finale of bachelor in paradise but if u miss that, well, u'll never get 2 know if dylan asks hanna 2 marry him

# ? Sep 18, 2019 11:09

Goons Are Gifts

I mean, we all have schedules and appointments to meet and make and that baby will have to learn this the hard way. Make it clean up her room AND take out the trash for a month so it can learn, alright

# ? Sep 18, 2019 11:25

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

S'what if we all stand real close to your wife's belly and chant BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY and we're holding a banner like in American football and the baby runs through it like HELL YEAH and we all yell WOOOOO and then you cut the cord

# ? Sep 18, 2019 13:25