The Shield Of Nothing (Tentative Title)

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Kchama: Jul 25, 2007

This is a story I've been working on for a while, but haven't actually been able to get much written out. So, I am going to start writing some more and having people read and crit it will help motivate me.

The story is tentative entitled The Shield Of Nothing, and is... I'm not sure what genre I'd place it is. Urban fantasy? YA? There's a lot of overlap, I feel, but the younger protagonist is probably what will get it set in YA. It's set in a very modern-day setting, if not quite actually Earth, but still fit for Urban Fantasy in the sense of "modern setting with fantasy aspects". The protagonist, one day walking home from school, is attacked by an invisible monster that they only see right before it strikes, mortally wounding them. They survive, however, when the crystal they had just picked up begin to resonate, and a vision of an armored figure asks them a simple question: Do they wish to live? The protagonist says 'yes', out of no other reason by a simple desire to live. The figure declares that they are to be "one and all", and the protagonist wakes up, now transformed into the towering armored figure, standing off against the monster.

Themes that have ended up developed as I designed the story ended up being a sort of body horror: The difference between the protagonist's powerful and healthy transformed body, and their normal weak, badly damaged normal self that they must navigate regular life with. If I had to talk about inspirations, Animorphs and it's very distinct first-person character voices was a big one. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do as good, but I'm willing to try.

This is just a fragment from later in the story, because it was just what I was inspired to write out. The inspiration just hit me and I banged it out. It is a very prominent and important scene in the story, as it's the scene where a lot of the themes really begin. I feel like it could be expanded in some form, but I always feel like whatever I write is too short, so that might be part of it.

The Story posted:

Its grip on my arm was vise-like. It lifted and easily my body followed into the air. My grey-armored hands scrabbled at the long ropey muscles of the appendage, but I could find no purchase to tear and free myself from it. Those muscles begin to coil and build together at its elbow, growing in thickness and strength. Something sharp was emerging, but I couldn't understand its purpose.

Then, the muscles released in a tremendous sound, that reverberated through my being. Pain erupted from my gripped arm, and I dropped to the ground. An arm flew over me, and I reached out for it without thinking. Only to notice then that all I was reaching out with was a mangled, destroyed stump. Before I could even comprehend what this meant, those long shredding claws grabbed me once more. Those muscles began to build and coil again. I desperately reached out to free myself once more. But like before, it was no use. I finally saw what had it had used on my a.. on me. A massive stake hidden in its arm, used like a pile driver.

An explosion of sound, an explosion of pain. Free from its grasp, but only because the force of the blow was that immense, and I was flying. I hit something, a wall probably, at immense speed. That wall was destroyed, and it almost felt like the same happened to my body.

I landed hard, still in too much shock to try and and lessen the impact even a little. There was so much pain that the heat from me skidding across the smooth ground almost didn't hurt. My body seized and shook, my mind barely able to stay conscious through it, and the moments until it stopped lasted an eternity. Realizing I could now move, I started to sit up, a prelude to actually getting up. It didn't matter, I had no time. I only dimly registered I had crashed into a house when the massive monster landed on me with all of its weight. Crushed, and pinned down I struggled and gasped for breath and freedom.

The vile thing leaned in close and opened its mouth wide as if to chew my head off. That image ran through my mind for only a moment before it was pushed away. A feeling of energy building of overwhelmed me, and it wasn't long before I could see why - it was instead going to disintegrate me. Out of a desperation born from a strange emotion boiling within me, I turned my head hard closing my eye... I was flinching because I knew what was going to happen. The energy unleashed. The left side of my face took the the brunt of it, and I could hear a horrific sizzling sound as the energy tore and shredded it.

But... then it stopped. I turned my head to see what had happened, and the impossible was before my eyes. It had been distracted by something, a voice I could only now hear. I immediately realized another thing - I could still see that shining red light in its neck. That light that was so close to me right now. My left arm lifted, pulled back, before punching into its very exposed neck. With the shining a beacon, I found that glowing crystal, and grabbed it as hard as possible. A horrific shriek filled the air. It was the sound of survival to my ears. I pulled out, ripping it out with what strength my weak body could muster. I stared down at it for a long second, and a feeling emanating from it beckoned me. I jammed it into the lethal damage the stake had inflicted on my chest, not even understanding why. But I knew, I needed to do it.

Before my eyes, the damage began to heal, though the red orb prominent on my chest was still cracked and badly damaged. I had won, though, and I looked up at the paralyzed monster. I couldn't let it recover. My hand pulled back once more, and drove deep into its chest, as deep as possible. Filling that fist with aura, I unleashed it in a massive blast that tore through the monster and nearly split it in two. It fell apart, and slowly disintegrated into ash.

I hope that there is something to really like in this short bit. I'll write more, and take into account criticism given.

Kchama fucked around with this message at 12:27 on Nov 3, 2019

# ? Nov 1, 2019 23:27

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 22:08

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

Vise, not vice, although addiction to a vice has a certain grip as well.

# ? Nov 3, 2019 10:24

Kchama: Jul 25, 2007

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Vise, not vice, although addiction to a vice has a certain grip as well.

... *looks at it* ... I swore I fixed that. Thanks. Also for the laugh.

# ? Nov 3, 2019 12:27

Exmond: May 31, 2007; Writing is fun!

Since the story starts in the "middle" I tried to ignore any issues with context or description. One thing I want to point out is I do not understand what is attacking him, I thought it was like, an appendage growing out of his hand.

Main Criticism: Get inside your protagonist's head more, to show the impact of the events surrounding him. Your anime protagonist shrugs off getting his face melted like it was nothing!

I critiqued in Google Docs, please let me know once you are done wth it and I will delete this link.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FN6ET3Jg_jfwFZ1Zc_Q3R2wqNRgh3Clib7cLYD5UDxw/edit?usp=sharing

# ? Nov 3, 2019 17:38

Kchama: Jul 25, 2007

Exmond posted:

Since the story starts in the "middle" I tried to ignore any issues with context or description. One thing I want to point out is I do not understand what is attacking him, I thought it was like, an appendage growing out of his hand.

Main Criticism: Get inside your protagonist's head more, to show the impact of the events surrounding him. Your anime protagonist shrugs off getting his face melted like it was nothing!

I critiqued in Google Docs, please let me know once you are done wth it and I will delete this link.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FN6ET3Jg_jfwFZ1Zc_Q3R2wqNRgh3Clib7cLYD5UDxw/edit?usp=sharing

Sorry if I've been largely silently, work has been kinda crazy.

I think I can see why you'd have a question about that because of the awkward place I started it, and you not getting any description. It's a large, quadrupedal beast with massive stakes in each limb that it uses for attack and locomotion.

To be honest, I was trying to write the protagonist as suffering from both their inability to properly feel fear (which is not to be a positive and why they are in this situation of fighting a much stronger monster instead of fleeing or fighting some better situation to fight it in) and shock from the pain of everything that had been going on. I might not be a skilled enough writer to pull it off. I'll consider how to make it more clear. They totally are an anime protag at least.

... Also I don't know if your crit is showing through? I don't see anything but what looks like exactly what I wrote on my end. I have the link though if you want to erase it.

Thanks, by the way, for your reply.

Kchama fucked around with this message at 06:38 on Nov 4, 2019

# ? Nov 4, 2019 06:24

Exmond: May 31, 2007; Writing is fun!

Would help if my link let people view comments:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FN6ET3Jg_jfwFZ1Zc_Q3R2wqNRgh3Clib7cLYD5UDxw/edit?usp=sharing

Edit: Please note that in your summary, you don't mention the protagonist can't feel

Exmond fucked around with this message at 14:44 on Nov 4, 2019

# ? Nov 4, 2019 14:40

Kchama: Jul 25, 2007

Exmond posted:

Would help if my link let people view comments:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FN6ET3Jg_jfwFZ1Zc_Q3R2wqNRgh3Clib7cLYD5UDxw/edit?usp=sharing

Edit: Please note that in your summary, you don't mention the protagonist can't feel

I'll check it out. And I was worried about how much I should say.

I am working on the 'first half' of this scene to add in a bunch of context, at least.

# ? Nov 4, 2019 21:30

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 22:08

Kchama: Jul 25, 2007

Sorry I haven't gotten anything out yet, but life has taken a turn for the worse and the stress is making it hard to write.

# ? Nov 17, 2019 00:59

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Shield Of Nothing (Tentative Title)