housing inspectors vs your magic castle

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PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

so let me get this straight. the children sleep in dorms hidden behind flammable portraits? and because it's a tower, there's no fire escape? and you didn't install emergency ladders under any of the windows either, I bet. And they ARE proper windows, right? Large enough to allow for egress? None of this "seige ready arrow slit" nonsense, I hope.
Look, I understand these children have brooms, but you can't sweep away a structure fire and regulations don't acknowledge the existence of the Flight enchantment. Until that changes, my hands are tied and I'm obligated to cite you for that.

Now, going back to this "the staircases change direction" bullshit. That's going to complicate what kind of fire escape signage you're required to post. How have you accomodated that in the past? Oh, by doing nothing, nothing, tra la la? What a shock.

Let's just, ugh, start from the foundation. How many layers of dungeons and sub basements do you have? Any access to naturally occuring caverns, which was used to store your dried goods during the oppressive summer heat? None, because this is a moving castle animated by a capricious furnace-spirit? *double clicks pen* So we'll need to check for street legality as well. I'm gonna call in backup.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 15:45

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# ? May 3, 2024 13:47

Heather Papps: hello friend

I haven't seen a rats nest of wiring like this since this old, not haunted, hunting lodge I had to inspect.

Sorry what? This isn't electrical?

Vril channels and leyline energy? Did i say that right?
I need to call my supervisor one minute...

# ? Jan 10, 2020 15:53

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

alchemical labs are technically classified as a second kitchen, so you'll need a vent hood.

crimes

# ? Jan 10, 2020 15:54

Heather Papps: hello friend

Zoning laws clearly states 1 (one) Dragon per hectare of land do NOT make me call the SPCA

# ? Jan 10, 2020 15:56

Heather Papps: hello friend

I'm not sure what to do about this but your poltergeist keeps touching my butt.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 15:57

Finger Prince

I'm afraid these smoke detectors aren't even close to code. If you'll refer to Chapter 501.36 Subsections 43(a) to 48(h) inclusive,
*pulls out ancient tome of horror, bound in the skin of a bored bureaucrat, soul wrenching screams emitting from he pages as they're flipped to the relevant section*
Any room used for the summoning of Elementals, Balrogs, Demons and/or Devils, or Creatures from the Elemental Plane of Fire, for the housing of Immolation Thralls, for Ritual Sacrifice by Fire, and any other containment of Beings consisting of or consumed by Fire, whether Natural, Thaumaturgic, or otherwise Magical in nature, must have a mains connected smoke detector system with minimum 12 hour battery backup, as well as, at the minimum, a Class A automatic fire suppression system. And given the floor area and multiple enclosed pens of this particular room of horrors, a Class A(ii) or Class B would be the barest minimum in this case. And that isn't event getting into the ventilation requirements.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 17:02

alnilam

Thinking about Walter Peck itt

# ? Jan 10, 2020 17:17

wearing a lampshade

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

alchemical labs are technically classified as a second kitchen, so you'll need a vent hood.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 17:49

watho: The real world will, again tomorrow, function and run without me.

so the fire escape route map just has a bunch of question marks on it?

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BigClutteredJoey-mobile.mp4
thank u vanisher for the sig
and thank u nesamdoom for the good loops

# ? Jan 10, 2020 17:55

Heather Papps: hello friend

Yes I understand you have "water elementals on tap" and that is a very funny joke but a structure this size that houses the elderly, and yes the lich queen counts, NEEDS, by law, a fire suppressant system that is up to code.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 18:38

Fredrik1: Gopherslayer

So this portal into the internal void as you call it, it seems to lead into a room not in the permits.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 18:48

google THIS

I'm afraid "hewn from the living rock" is not a classifiable building material.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:03

Fredrik1: Gopherslayer

So the property only exists once every hundred years and is only visible in moonlight, hmm, a temporary structure doesn't require plumbing but you still need to correct the impossible geometry.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:14

google THIS

Are you aware that you have a basilisk infestation under this women's restroom? Yes, in the case of basilisks, one is sufficient to qualify as an infestation. Yes, it's because their droppings can carry parasite eggs.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:21

The MUMPSorceress: ^SHTPSTS

google THIS posted:

I'm afraid "hewn from the living rock" is not a classifiable building material.

Thanks City of Glompton for the glorious sig

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:57

The MUMPSorceress: ^SHTPSTS

if you absolutely will not place a barricade around your Pool of Forgetting you at least need the appropriate signage to assist those impacted

Thanks City of Glompton for the glorious sig

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:58

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

Do you honestly expect me, a rank S Beaurocrat, that you filled your moat with non-flesh eating infernal pirhana? Sir take no umbrage at being lied to, but you take me for a fool, and I am wounded deeply.

Fredrik1 posted:

So this portal into the internal void as you call it, it seems to lead into a room not in the permits.

Room of Requiring a Variance

google THIS posted:

I'm afraid "hewn from the living rock" is not a classifiable building material.

lmao, good show everyone

crimes

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:05

Heather Papps: hello friend

I see, the drawbridge is.... slave-skelleton powered. Gonna have to speak with the local 42069 about this but you are gonna have to provide teeth care at the very least

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:17

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

is your unicorn paddock handicap accessible

crimes

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:42

Manifisto

google THIS posted:

I'm afraid "hewn from the living rock" is not a classifiable building material.

Fredrik1 posted:

So the property only exists once every hundred years and is only visible in moonlight, hmm, a temporary structure doesn't require plumbing but you still need to correct the impossible geometry.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 10, 2020 23:36

Manifisto

listen: I don't care how many layers of conjuration you've applied to the well. if the souls contain more than five parts per million of lead, we have to shut it down, that's the law.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 10, 2020 23:39

vanisher

Holy lol this thread

# ? Jan 11, 2020 00:11

vanisher

Veteran Patriot Magic Castle Inspections this is Chuck speaking

# ? Jan 11, 2020 00:17

City of Glompton

vanisher posted:

Holy lol this thread

# ? Jan 11, 2020 00:18

alnilam

*poking at a wall made of the screaming, stretched out faces of the damned with a pencil* so uhhh dis stuff flame retardant?

# ? Jan 11, 2020 00:38

Manifisto

alnilam posted:

*poking at a wall made of the screaming, stretched out faces of the damned with a pencil* so uhhh dis stuff flame retardant?

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 11, 2020 00:47

Heather Papps: hello friend

Yes the walls are fine but this cladding makes the castle a fire trap stop laughing "pyromancer kevin"

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:04

vanisher

sorry mam we don't inspect HVAC. Huge Vampire Attics in Castles.

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:23

vanisher

This wall pouring blood looks like it might last another 10 years with proper sacrifices

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:25

xcheopis

alnilam posted:

Thinking about Walter Peck itt

Walter Peck did nothing wrong!

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:28

Manifisto

I know it all seems like a bunch of needless paperwork but you have to realize that if a human sacrifice eviscerator malfunctions, somebody could get hurt

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:31

xcheopis

vanisher posted:

This wall pouring blood looks like it might last another 10 years with proper sacrifices

Is that blood coming out of that fountain?!? *sigh* Hey, Rachel? Yeah, still onsite. Listen, I'm gonna need a biohazard team and all the public health folks out here pronto.

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:33

google THIS

alnilam posted:

*poking at a wall made of the screaming, stretched out faces of the damned with a pencil* so uhhh dis stuff flame retardant?

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:48

Heather Papps: hello friend

You passed but we're gonna need a sigil here, bloodmark there, and a fractal soul stamp at the bottom.

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:50

Finger Prince

vanisher posted:

This wall pouring blood looks like it might last another 10 years with proper sacrifices

You're gonna want to get up on the roof and check the flashing, otherwise you're going to have some serious damp problems with all that blood.

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:52

Manifisto

normally I might overlook these leaks from the hell dimension but my supervisor's really been on my rear end lately, ya know?

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Jan 11, 2020 01:55

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

imagine i'm unironically quoting the GBS thread where the dude lived in the huge abandoned shed and tried doing brick alchemy (????) in the basement????? and there's racoon-seagull gryphons nesting in the huge holes in my lovely roof

crimes

# ? Jan 11, 2020 02:09

Yinlock

we went over this the last time i was here, you need to stop putting your powerful magical items in unmarked wooden chests

especially the one that comes to life and tries to kill you when you open it

# ? Jan 11, 2020 03:15

The MUMPSorceress: ^SHTPSTS

now you see this little handle way back here? I'm gonna put a tag on it for you. that's your soul furnace main. when it's up its off and when it's introflected toward the spirit dimension your ghost supply is flowing. make sure you turn that guy off before you try to restart the pilot light. why? well it says right here on the furnaces maintenance tag that there would be DIRE CONSEQUENCES

Thanks City of Glompton for the glorious sig

# ? Jan 11, 2020 03:17

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# ? May 3, 2024 13:47

biosterous

you really need to implement a lock out tag out system on your mystical orbs. you have no idea how bad it can get if you try to polish a still-charged orb

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Jan 11, 2020 03:21

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > housing inspectors vs your magic castle

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