Best Dad Joke

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Best Dad Joke

Professor Shark: May 22, 2012

Post your best dad joke and vote on the winner. The winner will receive a pm with a custom #1 Dad! .jpg personally designed by yours drooly!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:19

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# ? May 3, 2024 10:55

spacetoaster: Feb 10, 2014

Son: "I gotta go use the bathroom."

Dad: "Ok, just don't use it up."

:smugdon:

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:21

Klauser: Feb 24, 2006; You got a dick with that problem!?!

Did you hear about the lady that backed into the fan?

Disaster

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:30

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

I'm __________

Hi __________, I'm dad.

never gets old.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:30

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

I tell this one to my dog all the time, he loves it.

A dog limps into a Wild West saloon, gives the room a glare, and says:

�I�m lookin� fer the feller that shot my paw!�

BAGS FLY AT NOON fucked around with this message at 16:24 on Feb 28, 2020

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:41

20 Blunts: Jan 21, 2017

Me, answering the business line: "Hi this is Bob speaking."

Boomer Dad Retard: "well HI MR. SPEAKING"

*me smashing my phone down on non-existent receiver*

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:43

Tomfoolery: Oct 8, 2004

Umm I just call them jokes now

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:44

unknown butthole: Jan 2, 2020; The old customs remain
and the ancient gods live on

son, I'm gay

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:46

Lonjon: Jun 26, 2007; Books are the real treasures of the world!; Fun Shoe

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:46

Edgar: Sep 9, 2005; Oh my heck!
Oh heavens!
Oh my lord!
OH Sweet meats!; Wedge Regret

See that graveyard over there? People are dying to get in!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:50

me your dad: Jul 25, 2006

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:51

FoolyCharged: Oct 11, 2012; Cheating at a raffle? I sentence you to 1 year in jail! No! Two years! Three! Four! Five years! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Somebody call for an ant?

Alright kiddo, I'm going to go out real quick for a cigarette.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:56

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Edgar posted:

See that graveyard over there? People are dying to get in!

How many dead people are in that graveyard?

All of �em!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:57

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

FoolyCharged posted:

Alright kiddo, I'm going to go out real quick for a cigarette.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 15:58

Chumbawumba4ever97: Dec 31, 2000; by Fluffdaddy

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:19

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

I tell this one to my dog all the time, he loves it.

A dog walks into a Wild West saloon, gives the room a glare, and says:

�I�m lookin� fer the feller that shot my paw!�

limps

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:23

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Torquemada posted:

limps

Fixed, thanks!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:25

kolby: Oct 29, 2004

spacetoaster posted:

Son: "I gotta go use the bathroom."

Dad: "Ok, just don't use it up."

i don't understand this

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:27

overseer07: Mar 30, 2003; Pillbug

Son: I've gotta go take a leak

Dad: Remember, if you take a leak, be sure to leave on in its place

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:30

FlimFlam Imam: Mar 1, 2007; Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

My dad used to love asking a group of young kids "Who wants M&Ms?" of course they would all jump up and down raising their hands yelling "I do, I do." and my dad would say "Me too" and walk away.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:46

a peck of pickled peckers: Aug 3, 2014; I am your Redeemer! It is by my hand that you arise from the ashes of this world!

I'm proud of you, kid. I sincerely approve of all the choices you've made in life.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 16:58

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

https://twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes/status/1233129378319622149

https://twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes/status/1232757234037293057

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:00

Chrs: Sep 21, 2015

Why did the baker�s hands smell?

Because he kneaded a poo

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:01

JK Fresco: Jul 5, 2019

KNUCKLE SANDWICH!!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:10

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

got your nose!

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:12

pop fly to McGillicutty: Feb 2, 2004; A peckish little mouse!

You can pick your nose
You can pick your friends
But you can't wipe your friends on the curtains.

Dad: "how's your face, son?"
Me: "uh, fine, I guess?"
Dad: "cause it's killing me"

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:15

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

my dad always used "does your face hurt?"

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:16

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

�Hey buddy, you want a Hertz Donut?�
�Sure dad, I love donuts�- OWW!�
�Heh, hurts, don�t it?� :smug:

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:18

Lonjon: Jun 26, 2007; Books are the real treasures of the world!; Fun Shoe

Tonight I'm going to give away all of my dead batteries, free of charge.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:19

Sophy Wackles: Dec 17, 2000; > access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.

A man walks into a bar.

Sophy Wackles fucked around with this message at 18:05 on Feb 28, 2020

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:22

DeadFatDuckFat: Oct 29, 2012; This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.

Of course I would fight over custody rights for you!

5 years later: I lied lol

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:41

stump collector: May 28, 2007

DeadFatDuckFat posted:

Of course I would fight over custody rights for you!

5 years later: I lied lol

Genius timing

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:49

kolby: Oct 29, 2004

DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

�Hey buddy, you want a Hertz Donut?�
�Sure dad, I love donuts�- OWW!�
�Heh, hurts, don�t it?�

my dad would do this and then he would push me down and start pounding my face into the floor until there was blood everywhere

i still won't touch donuts

# ? Feb 28, 2020 17:52

Hector Delgado: Sep 23, 2007; Time for shore leave!!

Wife: "I'm cold, turn up the heat"

Husband: "Go sit in the corner, it's always 90 degrees"

# ? Feb 28, 2020 18:00

DeadFatDuckFat: Oct 29, 2012; This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.

Hector Delgado posted:

Wife: "I'm cold, turn up the heat"

Husband: "Go sit in the corner, it's always 90 degrees"

I'm absolutely going to steal this one, thanks

# ? Feb 28, 2020 18:05

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

dad: knock knock

son: who's there

dad: i hosed ur mom

# ? Feb 28, 2020 18:07

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Hector Delgado posted:

Wife: "I'm cold, turn up the heat"

Husband: "Go sit in the corner, it's always 90 degrees"

Lol, think we got a winner

# ? Feb 28, 2020 18:07

big_brother: Sep 27, 2015

Dad walks into son's room holding a tape measure, doesn't say anything to his son who is sitting across the room, and starts unrolling the tape measure towards his son. Son just stares at him while his dad keeps unrolling the tape measure.

Son finally asks "what are you doing?"

Dad responds "measuring your patience"

# ? Feb 28, 2020 18:12

pop fly to McGillicutty: Feb 2, 2004; A peckish little mouse!

Lonjon posted:

Tonight I'm going to give away all of my dead batteries, free of charge.

That's good

# ? Feb 28, 2020 20:30

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# ? May 3, 2024 10:55

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing.

They fast.

# ? Feb 28, 2020 20:39

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