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 Knock knock! Who’s there? Dad! Dad who? Go clean your room.
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Mar 5, 2020 00:35
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I went to see a house with period features the other day. Your mom hates it when I call her that.
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Mar 5, 2020 00:47
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Reviving this thread to share my favorite bad joke: A guy is doing a magic show. For his last trick, he says he's going to vanish without a trace. He counts down "Uno, dos...." Revins fucked around with this message at 17:03 on Mar 14, 2020 |
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Mar 14, 2020 07:17
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Q: what kind of dog performs magic tricks? A: a labracadabrador!
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Mar 7, 2021 23:29
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ynohtna posted:Q: what kind of dog performs magic tricks?
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May 28, 2021 18:40
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(I hate the movies, love the memes)
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May 28, 2021 18:55
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https://twitter.com/STDeltaShift/status/1376687667476238337
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May 28, 2021 19:02
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My dad used to always tell this one: A guy goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk "I need a two by four" Clerk asks, "how long you need it?" Guy replies "Well I'll need it for a while, I'm building a house!"
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May 29, 2021 01:06
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A wildcat escaped from the zoo and is roaming around the city. If I saw him roaming in person, I'd puma pants.
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May 29, 2021 02:22
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idgi
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May 29, 2021 04:36
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You can only RAN through a campground. Because it's past tents.
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May 29, 2021 13:19
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Nooner posted:idgi The images are in backwards order, read them in reverse
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May 29, 2021 13:29
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Every time someone starts talking about cos lettuce I tell them not to go off on a tangent, never fails to piss them off.
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May 29, 2021 13:42
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https://twitter.com/yesterdaysprint/status/1400604461685477381
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Jun 4, 2021 03:46
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Have you heard the news? Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
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Jun 4, 2021 04:06
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"Want to see something horrible, shocking, and disgusting?" "Yeah!"
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Jun 4, 2021 05:11
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Doctor Dogballs posted:"Want to see something horrible, shocking, and disgusting?"
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Jun 7, 2021 17:24
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Back when my mom smoked, the constant dialogue of my life was: "Have we got any matches? "Sure, my butt and your face!" I still hesitate before saying the word "match" at age 33.
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Jun 7, 2021 17:34
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"What do you give a whale that's about to puke?" "Lots of room!"
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Jun 7, 2021 17:37
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DarkSoulsTantrum posted:
gently caress YOU DAD! 
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Jun 7, 2021 18:26
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A grandpa joke: "Want to hear a dirty joke?" "Sure!" "30 white horses fell in the mud!"
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Jun 7, 2021 20:04
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My wife’s boss is going to Alaska to go fishing. I told her to ask him if he’s going up there for the salmon or just for the halibut.
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Jun 7, 2021 22:37
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This is very meta. https://www.etsy.com/market/round_tuit
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Jun 7, 2021 22:43
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Bonzo posted:This is very meta. My grandparents had something like this on their kitchen wall for years.
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Jun 8, 2021 11:05
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Police are asking you to beware A psychic dwarf has escaped prison. They're saying a small medium is at large. 
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Jun 8, 2021 11:56
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Cheesus posted:A grandpa joke: Want to hear a clean joke? Those horses went into the river and the mud washed off! As horses say to one another: Any friend of yours is a ‘pal-o-mino!’ Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa! Did you hear about the horse with the negative attitude? He always said “Neigh!” How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck! What causes horses to sneeze the most? Hay fever! What do you call a horse that’s been all around the world? A globe-trotter! What do you call the horse that lives next door? A neigh-bor! Where do you take a sick horse? To the horse-pital! A stallion and a mare were getting married, but the stallion didn’t show up. He got ‘colt’ feet! How did the jockey try to make horse riding enjoyable? He tried to ‘stirrup’ some interest! Thank you, thank you. I'm a bit "hoarse" but I'll be here all night.
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Jun 8, 2021 12:07
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https://twitter.com/STDeltaShift/status/1401900962332266497
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Jun 8, 2021 13:43
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I asked my dad if Swiss Army knives were a gimmick, and he said "The Swiss army hasn't lost a war in 600 years."
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Jun 8, 2021 14:12
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https://twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes/status/1404152497439133704
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Jun 13, 2021 20:06
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:A wildcat escaped from the zoo and is roaming around the city. This is legit good. lol
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Jun 13, 2021 23:06
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sigher posted:This is legit good. lol I first saw it on the dad joke twitter which was using a Bob's Burgers avatar at the time. I enjoy the joke more hearing it in my head as H Jon Benjamin saying it.
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Jun 13, 2021 23:14
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*perusing menu at a fancy French restaurant* "Ah, très bien, très bien!" to the waiter: "Garson, I'll have the très of biens"
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Jun 13, 2021 23:43
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The local butcher backed into his meat grinder yesterday. He definitely got a little behind in his work!
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Jun 15, 2021 13:18
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Why would an owl have no feathers? If it has owl-opecia.
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Jun 15, 2021 13:47
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https://twitter.com/ryanqnorth/status/1405242110954065922
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Jun 16, 2021 21:47
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Why don’t kleptomaniacs understand puns? Because they take everything, literally.
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Jun 18, 2021 23:10
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https://twitter.com/dirkriehle/status/1407705152195383300
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Jun 25, 2021 01:06
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With the price of lumber getting so high, me and the fellas hatched a plan to hijack a trailer full of 1"x4"s All we need is a good fence. 
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Jun 26, 2021 18:19
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J1391.1. †J1391.1. Thief's excuse: the big wind. Vegetable thief is caught in a garden. Owner: How did you get into the garden? A wind blew me in. How were the vegetables uprooted? If the wind is strong enough to blow me in, it can uproot them. How did they get into your bag? That is what I was just wondering. *Wesselski Hodscha Nasreddin I 207 No. 7, cf. II 214 No. 441.
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Jun 26, 2021 20:56
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steven wright taking notes in this thread
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Jun 27, 2021 05:17
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