my whole lifestyle revolves around my owning a bidet

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > my whole lifestyle revolves around my owning a bidet

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FutonForensic

oh Michael, so glad for you to rejoin us. I couldn't help but overhear you in the bathroom... tried the bidet, did you? *chuckles like a bidet owner* it's quite all right, everyone gets curious.

I can't help but envy you, Michael -- to experience it for the first time. what was it like? *whispers the words into your ear like a bidet whispers water into your butthole* refreshing? exhilarating? purifying?

# ? Mar 13, 2020 04:07

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 13:34

FutonForensic

Gertrude, my dear! Welcome, welcome. Allow me to give you the grand tour. Let's start with the bathroom. Yes, Italian marble, you have a keen eye. But THIS--*lifts seat*--this is the piece de resistance. I beg you, Gertrude: take a dump like you used to

# ? Mar 13, 2020 04:16

FutonForensic

I own a variation of those Japanese toilet seats that plays a charming tune and sprays scented water, except mine plays organ music and sprays cabernet sauvignon

# ? Mar 13, 2020 04:17

Mr. Dick: by Cyrano4747

Mr. Dick had to despoil the clean aesthetics of his bidet with an icongraphic caution sign warning that it is not a drinking fountain.

Worth it for everyone in the community to be able to know, for a nominal fee, the experience of bidet. This corona thing's really going to do a number on business though

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 05:05

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

bidet? who needs 'em

*grabs comedy sized wrench and marches towards a fire hydrant*

# ? Mar 13, 2020 05:51

vanisher

You know you can hook up those crazy shower heads to the bidet to really get in there with a massage pulse setting

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Mar 13, 2020 05:56

vanisher

can't wait to get home and unwind after a hard day with a massage

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Mar 13, 2020 05:57

cda: by Hand Knit

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:05

cda: by Hand Knit

Is Bidet a boys name or a girls name? If youre one of my children, it's both.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:05

cda: by Hand Knit

*waves bidetishly*

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:10

deep dish peat moss

Not a big fan of bidet, I prefer binite

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:39

deep dish peat moss

*tips plumber hat* b'dety

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:44

deep dish peat moss

cda posted:

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:44

deep dish peat moss

Bidet of the Dead, or bid�os de los muertos

# ? Mar 13, 2020 06:49

Macnult

cda posted:

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

# ? Mar 13, 2020 07:09

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

deep dish peat moss posted:

*tips plumber hat* b'dety

# ? Mar 13, 2020 07:23

smoobles

Love my bidet but it makes it hard to travel because I miss my bidet

# ? Mar 13, 2020 07:43

Chill la Chill: Don't lose your gay

Hi I�m Grill la Hill and I sell bidets and bidet accessories

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan

_{_{thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av}}

# ? Mar 13, 2020 08:22

Heather Papps: hello friend

i've been looking over the stat sheets but i am wondering if the double hot presbyterian might be worth the 10,000 extra dollars.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 12:43

Finger Prince

Heather Papps posted:

i've been looking over the stat sheets but i am wondering if the double hot presbyterian might be worth the 10,000 extra dollars.

Doubles as a baptismal font!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 12:55

biosterous

cda posted:

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:04

Goons Are Gifts

cda posted:

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:31

google THIS

cda posted:

my compliments to the chef, this is the bidet of steaks

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:36

google THIS

"Wow, I never thought about using it that way. Your mouth must feel really fresh," I say, as someone takes a drink from the squeezable water bottle I use as a portable bidet while on the go.

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:41

google THIS

Heather Papps posted:

i've been looking over the stat sheets but i am wondering if the double hot presbyterian might be worth the 10,000 extra dollars.

I realize actions shots are a touchy subject for a product like this but I like how they went with "Just take a picture of it spraying the hell out of the whole drat bathroom."

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:51

alnilam

google THIS posted:

I realize actions shots are a touchy subject for a product like this but I like how they went with "Just take a picture of it spraying the hell out of the whole drat bathroom."

Let's remind people with young children why they definitely don't want this

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:52

google THIS

"Ok, that concludes the bidet shoot, now once the cleanup crew is finished we need to set up for the shot of an entire gallon of milk being poured into an unrolled condom. And blue fluid crew, you just keep doing what you do best."

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:56

google THIS

alnilam posted:

Let's remind people with young children why they definitely don't want this

This is a fair point.

# ? Mar 13, 2020 14:58

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

google THIS posted:

I realize actions shots are a touchy subject for a product like this but I like how they went with "Just take a picture of it spraying the hell out of the whole drat bathroom."

its like a reverse toilet

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 13, 2020 15:00

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

somewhere, yakov smirnov is smiling

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 13, 2020 15:01

FutonForensic

You think you're one if us, just because you blast your rear end with a garden hose every morning? Nouveau riche imposter! Rrrrank amateur!

# ? Mar 13, 2020 15:12

The Klowner: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

FutonForensic posted:

oh Michael, so glad for you to rejoin us. I couldn't help but overhear you in the bathroom... tried the bidet, did you? *chuckles like a bidet owner* it's quite all right, everyone gets curious.

I can't help but envy you, Michael -- to experience it for the first time. what was it like? *whispers the words into your ear like a bidet whispers water into your butthole* refreshing? exhilarating? purifying?

lmao

# ? Mar 13, 2020 16:34

The Klowner: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

I know at least two people for whom the thread title is unironically true. That said, bidets are quite nice

# ? Mar 13, 2020 16:35

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Yeah, I know a couple that got squatty potties, bidets, and the guy always sits to pee. These are all good things, however their willingness to proselytize their bathroom habits (including showing demo videos of standing up to pee splatter) are a bit much

# ? Mar 13, 2020 16:44

Escape From Noise

Buddy. It's great.

# ? Mar 13, 2020 17:11

Escape From Noise

smoobles posted:

Love my bidet but it makes it hard to travel because I miss my bidet

If you travel to Japan most public toilets in larger cities have bidets. Usually they run out of/don't have soap but you gain a little you lose a little

# ? Mar 13, 2020 17:14

google THIS

Slush Garbo posted:

Yeah, I know a couple that got squatty potties, bidets, and the guy always sits to pee. These are all good things, however their willingness to proselytize their bathroom habits (including showing demo videos of standing up to pee splatter) are a bit much

"No, no, your technique is all wrong. Look, just stand up, I'll show you."

"How did you get in here?!"

# ? Mar 13, 2020 17:15

FutonForensic

i need more... MORE POWER *slams the nitrous into the bidet*

# ? Mar 13, 2020 17:21

Finger Prince

Me, enjoying a refreshing butt wash on a Japanese bidet for the first time, and seeing that the power indicator is only showing 2 out of 10 bars:
https://i.imgur.com/4WeMI66.gifv

Bumping the power up to 4
https://i.imgur.com/3ZPFFuh.gifv

Trying 6
https://i.imgur.com/6zdseqS.gifv

Risking an 8
https://i.imgur.com/hd7rC6V.gifv

Mashing the full 10
https://i.imgur.com/b6fyd3w.gifv

# ? Mar 13, 2020 18:11

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 13:34

vanisher

FutonForensic posted:

i need more... MORE POWER *slams the nitrous into the bidet*

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Mar 13, 2020 18:11

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > my whole lifestyle revolves around my owning a bidet

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