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"You know my cleric, Vinnie Boombotz."
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Aug 23, 2020 20:12
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Andrew Polyhedral Dice Clay: Far over the Misty Mountains cold To dungeons deep and caverns old We must away, ere break of day To seek our pale enchanted gold The dwarves of yore made mighty spells While hammers fell like ringing bells In places deep, where dark things sleep In hollow halls beneath the fells For ancient king and elvish lord There many a gleaming golden hoard They shaped and wrought, and light they caught To hide in gems on hilt of sword On silver necklaces they strung The flowering stars, on crowns they hung The dragon-fire, on twisted wire That's how she made me come! Boom!
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Aug 23, 2020 20:16
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What's the DEAL.... With INNS?! What AM I in? Is it a house? A bar? A hotel? WHO KNOWS!? And the wenches. Do they HAVE to be busty? Because I feel like... They do.
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Aug 23, 2020 20:17
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Big Beef City posted:What's the DEAL.... There's gotta be a reason they're called inns! [adjusts collar (collars have only now been invented)]
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Aug 23, 2020 20:20
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Shelob, or as I like to call her, my ex wife!
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Aug 23, 2020 20:29
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You see, halflings drive a car like this. But kender... they drive a car like this. Meanwhile, hobbits drive a car like this.
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Aug 23, 2020 20:30
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Now what's the deal with carriage food?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:31
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Legolas: The other morning, I shot an oliphaunt in my pajamas. Gimli was right jealous.
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Aug 23, 2020 20:32
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APDC: Potatoes! Po.. ta... toes? You can boil 'em, stew' em, stick 'em up your rear end as far as I'm concerned! Boom!
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Aug 23, 2020 20:34
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Why is it called Final Fantasy when there's a hundred of them?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:36
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Why is it called Dragon Quest when half the time we aren't questing for dragons?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:37
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Why is it called Mother when the mothers don't loving matter?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:37
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Why is it called Chrono Trigger when we're trying to get a loving egg?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:38
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Why is it called The Elder Scrolls when the scrolls aren't that old?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:39
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Why is it called Fallout when nothing ever falls?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:39
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Why is it called Baldur's Gate when it's so low you can just climb over it?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:40
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Why is it called Tales of when no one actually talks about these tales?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:40
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Why is it called Secret of Mana when they never tell us the secret?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:41
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World of warcraft is the exact same poo poo as dungeons and dragons, except there’s no cum on the gameboard. 
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Aug 23, 2020 20:42
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Why is it called Paper Mario when the games are made of pixels instead of paper?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:42
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Why is it called Blue Dragon when the dragon isn't blue?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:43
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Mega64 posted:Why is it called Final Fantasy when there's a hundred of them? Serious answer: The company that made the first one thought they were about to go bankrupt and it was the last game they would ever make.
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Aug 23, 2020 20:43
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And what's the deal with health potions, am I right?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:43
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Why is it called Pokemon when the creatures are actually Pocket Monsters?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:44
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Mega64 posted:Why is it called Final Fantasy when there's a hundred of them? 
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Aug 23, 2020 20:44
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If the airship's black box is supposed to be indestructible, why don't they make the entire airship out of it? And what's the deal with airship peanuts? Every time I see them, all I think about is dating high schoolers!
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Aug 23, 2020 20:45
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So how about those kobolds huh?
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Aug 23, 2020 20:45
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I mean, have you ever looked at a health potion?: They're all this deep red color, like blood! And don't even get me started on the taste!
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Aug 23, 2020 20:46
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Empty Sandwich posted:Legolas: The other morning, I shot an oliphaunt in my pajamas. Gimli was right jealous. How did the oliphaunt fit in his pajamas!
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Aug 23, 2020 21:07
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Lurk Ethic posted:How did the oliphaunt fit in his pajamas! I'll never know!
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Aug 23, 2020 21:19
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Pitdragon posted:I mean, have you ever looked at a health potion?: They're all this deep red color, like blood! And don't even get me started on the taste! First they changed the recipe... And then they immediately changed it back and started to call it Health Potion Classic! Lich please. These alchemists really need to get their poo poo together. Don't even get me started on Crystal Mana Potion...
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Aug 23, 2020 22:06
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*rolls a 1 for an intelligence check* So anyway, I was on my way to a show and I'm texting this 16yo girl on snapchat right when she asks me "Hey how old are you anyway?" and I start flying monkeying over it because you know these days I'm a little sensitive about my age. Funky See Funky Do fucked around with this message at 23:39 on Aug 23, 2020 |
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Aug 23, 2020 23:04
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So I looked at the guy and I says to him: "...Buddy. they don't even let ME roll the dice!"
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Aug 23, 2020 23:45
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I love elves. I'm not making a joke here. High Elves, Wood Elves, Wild Elves, Dark Elves, Night Elves, Moon Elves, Grey Elves, Pale Elves. Give me an elf and I'll make a seduction roll, you know what I'm saying?
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Aug 23, 2020 23:52
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I had Sun Elves and Moon Elves for a setting I ran Sun Elves could be any degree between Typical Elf and Full Harpy Moon Elves could be any degree between Not Dunmer and Harpy But The Insect Version
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Aug 24, 2020 00:00
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*gets onstage in the middle of a devestating hangover, throws out some lovely material that everyone has heard before with terrible delivery* *nerds, rolling on the floor laughing" "omg I understood that reference!"
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Aug 24, 2020 00:06
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*after a half-orc interrupts the set with some half-assed heckling* "yeah, well at least I don't come by whatever filthy cave your warband lives and and yell at you when you're working, you filthy half-blood" *audience*  
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Aug 24, 2020 00:10
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I used to date a Succubus. *Pauses for cheers and whoops* No, no, hold your applause. It doesn't end well. We tried. I mean, we tried really hard. She was worth it. We kept the personal and the professional separate. She had her demon thing, I had my Hero thing, then we'd get together over the weekend and, you know, hang out. Swap some stories. I had one about the thief who stole a cursed ring. Little guy really screwed himself, there. She had this great one about whipping a damned soul so hard he jumped off a cliff to escape. It was really funny, because, you know, you can't escape. Death offers no release. Doesn't work that way, buddy! *Pauses for laughs* And then came the demon invasion storyline. Yeah. You can see where this is going. Talk about an awkward weekend! She's all, "I don't mind that you beat me. I really don't. That's work. But..." That but? Never a good sign. "I had this whole pre-fight speech planned. There was a revelation about the reason for the demon war. There was a potential choice, there was a great secret you could've discovered. And then your Paladin just charged me." Look, babe, honey, dearest. *Makes wide hand movements* I don't control that guy. He just does that. I wish he didn't. But he does. Constantly. It's all we can do to stop him from doing it to the shopkeeper when he thinks we've been shortchanged. "Then why do you work with him?" Hey, it was either him or the bard! Yeah, she didn't like that. Thought I was cracking a joke. Making light of her concerns. And, you know, I really wasn't. I'll take a Paladin over a bard, any day. I'll take one of those Paladin, you all know exactly the kind I mean, over even the chance of getting one of those bards.
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Aug 24, 2020 00:28
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So I’m banging this broad, right? Like really giving her the ol’ hammer and anvil ya know? And then right in the middle as I’m hilt-deep she says to me, she says, “I ain’t gonna come, the RNG gave me a bad roll.” “RNG? The gently caress is that?” I says to her. I says, “I got your RNG right here, Rigid Naked Guy and I’m about ready to empty my mana all up in your pool so’s why don’t you shut the gently caress up for a minute!” BADABING! RNG, ya gotta be kidding me, amiright folks?
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Aug 24, 2020 04:13
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 19:34 |
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I've been talking to this new lady, right? lives in the Grotto. A sorceress. No biggie. A lady of the veil, if you will. She's really adventurous, and I don't just mean she does quests, if you know what I mean. She likes to talk with the spell Send in bed. But last night she sent me a telepathic message! No respect!
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Aug 24, 2020 04:28
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