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You may have noticed, I'm a dragonborn. This is not a skin condition. I am not two kobolds in a trenchcoat. A lot of folks have never seen a dragonborn before. This guy in the front row hasn't! Guy had his sword halfway out of the scabbard soon as I got up here. You're a paladin, sir, am I right? Oh, I'm sorry, YOU HOLY STABBY SWORD MAN YES GOOD? I'm just kidding around, just kidding around. Woah, I think he's actually getting pissed off, everybody get ready to hide under your napkins. Don't worry, you'll be fine, investigation is an INT check. I'm just kidding around. Let me get the big question out of the way. Both my parents survived the process, so yes, my mom was obviously the dragon. THAT WAS A SEX JOKE, SIR.
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Aug 25, 2020 02:01
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 00:27 |
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Why do Martial Artists all drive a Focus? It's got double the power!
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Aug 25, 2020 02:04
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What did the monster say to the Mage? "Okay, KaBoomer."
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Aug 25, 2020 02:07
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RandomFerret posted:You may have noticed, I'm a dragonborn. This is not a skin condition. I am not two kobolds in a trenchcoat.
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Aug 25, 2020 03:36
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So I was going out to this fancy inn for a date. Got to the door and tell the guy "reservation for Gromdor plus one" and he looks terrified. Starts stammering and poo poo "r-r-right this way sir. Which table would you like? Any one you want we'll move people." I'm thinking "this is my lucky day!"
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Aug 25, 2020 07:56
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I'm starting to feel old. I really am. Now, I know I look pretty good for six thousand, but I just can't keep up with the kids these days. The other day, I'm scrying on this party in the upper levels of my dungeon. Trying to get a feel for them. Who they are. What they can do. Maybe I'll change some things around, give them a real surprise on level three, you know? Well, this group, they've got a Psion, an Alchemist, a Dancer, and an Incarnate. Now, what am I supposed to do with that? What is that? Is that homebrew? Is that some obscure thing? Since when is that even a whole class, and not, you know, a side thing you can do when you're in town? Who even knows. I sure don't. They keep struggling with the bits that should've been easy, walking right through the poo poo that should be hard. I had half a mind to just go up there and ask. Just pass out a survey, maybe. 'What would you say is your greatest strength? Weakness? What sort of enemy do you find challenging and rewarding?' But I couldn't do that. Because they expect you to know. They expect you to keep up. And if you don't, that's a two-star review on your dungeon, right there, and now business is down and you can't feed your Cubes. When did that happen, huh?
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Aug 25, 2020 08:32
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Radscorpions? What's so rad about them?
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Aug 25, 2020 09:21
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Dwarfs are just dire gnomes
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Aug 25, 2020 13:29
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Colonel Cancer posted:Dwarfs are just dire gnomes Yes guard please arrest this one
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Aug 25, 2020 13:31
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So we gots half orcs, half elves, half lings. Who the hell are lings?!?
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Aug 25, 2020 13:33
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*rolls a huge novelty d20* *tells a bad joke* Hey now that was a 16! Tough room.
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Aug 25, 2020 13:44
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RandomFerret posted:You may have noticed, I'm a dragonborn. This is not a skin condition. I am not two kobolds in a trenchcoat. I keep hearing about "the dragonborne's cum" and yet my puss is drier than a fire atronach's. That's right, my puss. They don't call it the Throat of the World for no reason. Every dragon trying to shout at my pussssssssss
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Aug 25, 2020 13:44
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RandomFerret posted:You may have noticed, I'm a dragonborn. This is not a skin condition. I am not two kobolds in a trenchcoat.
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Aug 25, 2020 13:55
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It not easy for zombie to make friends. Must rely on necromancer for that.
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Aug 25, 2020 13:56
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*necromancer raises a room full of zombies and skeletons* "Hey folks! Glad you could make it to the show. Sorry it's so late, they gave me the GRAVEYARD SHIFT!" *lucid zombie moans "that's not what you call a late show..."* "Well sir, you're a... um... you..." *casts disrupt undead* "...we got a great show tonight, folks. GREAT show! "
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Aug 25, 2020 15:50
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Dating hard. Women ask me about undeath. I say "Can bite you, make undead." Some women excited... until find out I am zombie, not sexy vampire. Then it ironic, because they ghost me.
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Aug 25, 2020 16:01
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Should stick to zombie women, but that hard too. In way, first zombie girlfriend still have my heart.
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Aug 25, 2020 16:03
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Empty Sandwich posted:There are some guys... they cast one of the Bigby's hand spells. Nothing wrong with that. Hell, we've all been there. "...because its YOUR faithful hound!"
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Aug 25, 2020 16:25
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Outside of a hound, a spellbook is a mage's best friend. Inside of a hound, you better get some help from another mage to turn you back. Rupert Buttermilk fucked around with this message at 17:24 on Aug 25, 2020 |
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Aug 25, 2020 17:22
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"Take my wife... please!" [a score of demons erupt from the inn floor. the wife who grimly draws her blade, which glows a bright yellow as the demons advance]
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Aug 25, 2020 17:57
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I was always a late bloomer. My wife was telling at me to get a job. I told her it wasn't my fault... I've got a penalty for initiative.
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Aug 25, 2020 18:00
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Is it an Immovable Rod in your pocket or are just happy to see me?
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Aug 25, 2020 19:08
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"OK... let's hear a profession. Somebody in the audience." [distant voice] "Usurper of the Material Realms!" [A bright blue light flares up. The respondent is vaporized.]
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Aug 27, 2020 21:10
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I couldn't deal with being a cleric, though. I couldn't understand my spells coming from belief. Every time, every time I cast magic missile, I think "Well, this is it. This is how I go down. A guy who thought he could shoot unerring bolts of energy at whoever." When it works, I'm relieved. I'm surprised! "We won that battle? How?" My party cleric, he's like "O Guider I beseech thee" and somebody gets some hit points back. And I think I'm a little jealous of that. Or it would be, if it weren't for the ridiculous supplications. Servants of Morminor, y'all know what I'm talking about!
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Aug 27, 2020 21:16
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 00:27 |
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[Patton Oswalt's routine is only slightly changed]
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Aug 27, 2020 21:18
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