|
"You know my cleric, Vinnie Boombotz."
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:12
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 11, 2024 09:57 |
|
|
Andrew Polyhedral Dice Clay: Far over the Misty Mountains cold To dungeons deep and caverns old We must away, ere break of day To seek our pale enchanted gold The dwarves of yore made mighty spells While hammers fell like ringing bells In places deep, where dark things sleep In hollow halls beneath the fells For ancient king and elvish lord There many a gleaming golden hoard They shaped and wrought, and light they caught To hide in gems on hilt of sword On silver necklaces they strung The flowering stars, on crowns they hung The dragon-fire, on twisted wire That's how she made me come! Boom!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:16
|
|
|
Big Beef City posted:What's the DEAL.... There's gotta be a reason they're called inns! [adjusts collar (collars have only now been invented)]
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:20
|
|
|
Shelob, or as I like to call her, my ex wife!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:29
|
|
|
You see, halflings drive a car like this. But kender... they drive a car like this. Meanwhile, hobbits drive a car like this.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:30
|
|
|
Legolas: The other morning, I shot an oliphaunt in my pajamas. Gimli was right jealous.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:32
|
|
|
APDC: Potatoes! Po.. ta... toes? You can boil 'em, stew' em, stick 'em up your rear end as far as I'm concerned! Boom!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 20:34
|
|
|
Lurk Ethic posted:How did the oliphaunt fit in his pajamas! I'll never know!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 23, 2020 21:19
|
|
|
Funky See Funky Do posted:I get no respec I tell you. No respec. 
|
|
#
¿
Aug 24, 2020 18:16
|
|
|
DarkSoulsTantrum posted:Eyyyyy, I just flew in from Albuquerque and boy do I need to rest for 8 hours to relearn that spell!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 24, 2020 18:16
|
|
|
Abbot [but like in a cleric way]: Hu are attacking the Eastern Fortress! Castellan: Tell me. Abbot: I just did... Hu are. Castellan: What's the name of the creatures attacking the Eastern Fortress? Abbot: No, Wot's the name of the creatures attacking the Northern Fortress. Castellan: I know not. Abbot: Western Fortress!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 24, 2020 18:36
|
|
|
So the guy says "Gollum? It drat near killed 'em!"
|
|
#
¿
Aug 24, 2020 19:30
|
|
|
There are some guys... they cast one of the Bigby's hand spells. Nothing wrong with that. Hell, we've all been there. But then there are those guys who cast Mordenkainen's faithful hound....
|
|
#
¿
Aug 24, 2020 22:43
|
|
|
The seven words you can't say on palantir: Iä, Cthulhu, fhtagn, ph'nglui mglw'nfah, R'lyeh, wgah'nagl.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 00:44
|
|
|
RandomFerret posted:You may have noticed, I'm a dragonborn. This is not a skin condition. I am not two kobolds in a trenchcoat.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 13:55
|
|
|
It not easy for zombie to make friends. Must rely on necromancer for that.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 13:56
|
|
|
Dating hard. Women ask me about undeath. I say "Can bite you, make undead." Some women excited... until find out I am zombie, not sexy vampire. Then it ironic, because they ghost me.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 16:01
|
|
|
Should stick to zombie women, but that hard too. In way, first zombie girlfriend still have my heart.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 16:03
|
|
|
"Take my wife... please!" [a score of demons erupt from the inn floor. the wife who grimly draws her blade, which glows a bright yellow as the demons advance]
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 17:57
|
|
|
I was always a late bloomer. My wife was telling at me to get a job. I told her it wasn't my fault... I've got a penalty for initiative.
|
|
#
¿
Aug 25, 2020 18:00
|
|
|
"OK... let's hear a profession. Somebody in the audience." [distant voice] "Usurper of the Material Realms!" [A bright blue light flares up. The respondent is vaporized.]
|
|
#
¿
Aug 27, 2020 21:10
|
|
|
I couldn't deal with being a cleric, though. I couldn't understand my spells coming from belief. Every time, every time I cast magic missile, I think "Well, this is it. This is how I go down. A guy who thought he could shoot unerring bolts of energy at whoever." When it works, I'm relieved. I'm surprised! "We won that battle? How?" My party cleric, he's like "O Guider I beseech thee" and somebody gets some hit points back. And I think I'm a little jealous of that. Or it would be, if it weren't for the ridiculous supplications. Servants of Morminor, y'all know what I'm talking about!
|
|
#
¿
Aug 27, 2020 21:16
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 11, 2024 09:57 |
|
|
[Patton Oswalt's routine is only slightly changed]
|
|
#
¿
Aug 27, 2020 21:18
|
|