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I am just skimming over this whole thread with nothing parsing at all and my brain slowly deforming into the shape of a  emojiEdit: big LP update on previous page!
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Oct 4, 2020 07:20
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Well. I can tell you right now that I'm not spending even a dollar on this. But it's going to be amazing to watch. 
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Oct 4, 2020 07:40
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The fact that the promised candy warehouse is starting to look a bit like a trashfire has, oddly, only made me more excited
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Oct 4, 2020 07:42
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Okay, some observations. 1. David Klein's candy ideas are mostly just liquid- or sand-based. Like, the absolute cheapest poo poo you could possibly make and still technically have candy. This does not inspire confidence. 2. That building appears to be a veterinary clinic. Given these two facts, it seems clear that, to best use whatever production resources are left on-site, as well as keep the theme of our new candy home, our inaugural product should be another novelty goop candy, Mintobarbital! Euthanize bad breath! EclecticTastes fucked around with this message at 07:50 on Oct 4, 2020 |
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Oct 4, 2020 07:46
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Oh, this is already better than I could have hoped for  I don't think I dare throw money into trying to win the guy's meth shack, but maybe I can guess a riddle for a share in the prize that I totally believe exists and will totally be awarded.Honestly we should just name a range of our eventual amazing candy Something Awful. Keep it simple.
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Oct 4, 2020 07:57
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On a related note, I checked Tricky Treasures dot com, and it has some riddles on it?Riddle 1 posted:Steve and Julie were preparing to have a jelly bean eating contest. "No Fair" cried Steve, "You have 3 times as many as I do!" Julie said "Fine!" and gave Steve 10 more pieces of candy. "Still not fair!" argued Steve, "You still have twice as many as I do." How many more jelly beans must Julie give Steve for them to have the same number? Riddle 2 posted:Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan have seven daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the Sullivan family? Riddle 3 posted:What kind of rocks are found in the Tigris River? Riddle 4 posted:What is in the Middle Of March & April
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Oct 4, 2020 07:59
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I bet the March and April one is “R”
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Oct 4, 2020 08:04
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Blaziken386 posted:On a related note, I checked Tricky Treasures dot com, and it has some riddles on it? Okay so we started out in Munch Squad and now we're onto Riddle Me Piss. Also I just realized that we actually have a rival in our quest to win a lovely "candy factory" as a joke for the internet. Because Justin McElroy, when talking about this incredibly dumb contest, announced his own intention to purchase a ticket. It's newschool comedy podcaster vs. oldschool comedy forums shitposters! The clash of the new millennium!
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Oct 4, 2020 08:22
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Man, I love poo poo like this. There's something so enthralling about the crossroads of "completely earnest enthusiasm and drive" and "absolute trainwreck". Reminds me of Pizza222 in a way. If nothing else I'll see if I can't help solve the...riddles? Riddles are happening here, right?
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Oct 4, 2020 08:47
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Can't wait to be a part of yet another LP that ends with someone being crushed to death by a mountain of expired candy
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Oct 4, 2020 08:50
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I am very excited to own a
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Oct 4, 2020 09:24
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Rarity posted:I am very excited to own a Which would be funnier, making candy and insisting that we're veterinarians, or becoming veterinarians and insisting that we're a candy factory? Tim and Eric would have a field day with this poo poo.
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Oct 4, 2020 09:44
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Bacter posted:But tl;dr? An insane old man who struck gold with a fancy jellybean back in the 70s, and has spent his entire life since then making the worst candy I can imagine, is trying to be Willy Wonka and give away a candy factory (or at least pretend like he is. Come on.). Bacter posted:
  
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Oct 4, 2020 09:48
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Wow. This is simultaneously far better and far worse than I had any right to hope for.
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Oct 4, 2020 09:52
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oh no. oh no. right, uh. products, products... Thinking of a few lines: Awful Artisanal's, Silly-Sweet Symphony and "Sugar-Caine, the Freeze-N-Eat Sweet Treats". Awful Artisanal's: Cheap gummy candy intentionally poorly resembling various things as to avoid liability. Like Gummy Goats* (hard candy ring included). *Note: maybe don't use the example. the candy world isn't and may not ever be ready. Silly-Sweet Symphony: Crystalized sugar made in the shape of musical notes. -Crystallized honey is also an option, and so is adding food dye to the crystal-sugar notes and selling the result as a colorful version. Freeze-N-Eat Sweet Treats: Got the idea from the sandy candy. Instead of selling flavored sand, why not sell sell easy to make sugarpopsicles*? Sell a mix of sugar and fruit-flavored powder, with instructions to pour in a cup, add water or juice, stir thouroughly and place in the freezer. *note: avoid referring to product as sugarpop to avoid potential lawsuits. But hmmm... These feel saleable, but not quite Willy Wonkoff, Uncontained Confectionarian material. No, what the candy world needs is... A fruity turducken. A bit of dried fruit covered in a layer of chocolate covered in a layer of a different dried fruit, covered in a layer of different chocolate, covered in another dried fruit and one more layer of a third chocolate for good measure. I call it, "The Fruity Chocophany".
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Oct 4, 2020 10:12
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Arcanuse posted:No, what the candy world needs is... A fruity turducken. A bit of dried fruit covered in a layer of chocolate covered in a layer of a different dried fruit, covered in a layer of different chocolate, covered in another dried fruit and one more layer of a third chocolate for good measure. Nice, I'm thinking some like dark chocolate, cherry, white chocolate, strawberry, milk chocolate, orange so that it's vaguely edible
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Oct 4, 2020 10:15
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Okay, so I ruminated on my good good candy name, the Goondrop, and I think I've got proposals for it, and a few other tasty treats. Well, okay, actually, I ran into some issues while writing up my ideas but I figured I'd leave them in. I'll bold the serious proposals' names. Goondrops: I thought about doing something obvious like "gumdrops infused with castor oil, to truly capture what it's like to be a Goon ha ha aren't I self-deprecating and clever  ", but let's actually try to make something good to go with my joke. So, definitely gumdrops, because that's what the name is playing off of, but for flavor, I'm thinking black licorice, hot cinnamon, and coffee flavoring, coated in not just sugar, but also a little salt. A lot of that stuff is already used together in various forms, so I think this has the potential to become one of those "acquired taste" things that a small base of extremely dedicated fans will swear by. And isn't that what being a Goon is really all about?Edible shrinky-dinks: Okay so the Creepy Crawlers fad included one knock-off where instead of little sticky toys you were making gummy candy and could eat it. Let's apply that logic to a different kids' DIY fad, and make shrinky-dinks you can eat. Basically you get a sheet that's like those fruit roll-ups with the punch-out shapes, but then you put the shapes in the oven and they turn into wait gently caress I'm just describing cookies. The Everything Bar: Peanuts. Nougat. Chocolate. Pretzel bits. Almonds. Dried fruit. Caramel. Marshmallow. Marzipan. Rice crackles. Cookie crumbles. If it's ever been in a candy bar, it's in here. The Super Smash Bros. Ultimate of candy bars. The only question is, do we mix it all randomly and let chance sort out the ingredient distribution, or do we blend it into a paste and reconstitute the result as a solid bar of perfectly uniform Everything? I feel like we need to do the latter. Mind Candy: Okay so not everyone can or should be eating candy, and we should be the first candy company to reach out to this underserved market. Our best writers will get together, and type up the most moving, visceral descriptions of what it's like to eat various candies imaginable, so that these poor souls can read them, and it'll be almost like they're eating the candy themselves. Gacha Candy/Candy Loot Boxes: Okay so Wonder Balls and, like, Kinder Eggs and poo poo are popular, but, what if, instead of not knowing what's under the candy, you don't even know what the candy itself is before you go to eat it? The candy will come in a box, to make sure they can't know for sure what it is until they've bought it. Naturally, the best candy will be of higher rarity. This will also give us a way to dispose of failed candy prototypes while still making some money off them, as long as they're not poisonous (though, if we can get the FDA on our side, that would make for an interesting addition to the randomness factor). Candy Money: Okay so usually when you get candy money, it's like lovely gold foil over chocolate, and that's lame. We should study coins, dollar bills, etc., and make sure our candy money is so realistic, that it's basically indistinguishable until you try to eat it, down to the treasurer's signature. I see no potential problem with this plan. Unnamed Jelly Bean Proposal: Okay so Jelly Belly has a lock on making jelly beans with every flavor that exists, so we need to make jelly beans with every flavor that doesn't exist. I'd suggest flavors that shouldn't exist, but Jelly Belly's already doing that with their Bean-boozled line, so clearly our spin-off product should focus on flavors that can't exist. I have a cookbook full of those, I got it on the cheap because it's bound in human skin and inked in the blood of the damned, so we're good on that front.
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Oct 4, 2020 10:59
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EclecticTastes posted:Goondrops: black licorice, hot cinnamon, and coffee flavoring This is a combination of all the worst possible things to exist. It's perfect
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Oct 4, 2020 11:07
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Bacter posted:Oooo! Can I pull it up on Google Street Vi.... Uncle Urnie's Ashes piled high! So this is basically Doobie's Dog House 2: Everything Is Dumber in Florida
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Oct 4, 2020 11:21
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EclecticTastes posted:The Everything Bar: Peanuts. Nougat. Chocolate. Pretzel bits. Almonds. Dried fruit. Caramel. Marshmallow. Marzipan. Rice crackles. Cookie crumbles. If it's ever been in a candy bar, it's in here. The Super Smash Bros. Ultimate of candy bars. The only question is, do we mix it all randomly and let chance sort out the ingredient distribution, or do we blend it into a paste and reconstitute the result as a solid bar of perfectly uniform Everything? I feel like we need to do the latter. Both. We have a two-layer bar, the bottom of which is solidified homogenised Omni-Slurry (yes, made out of everything that goes wrong in our factory), and the top being a random assortment of rough-cut broken pieces. Riffing off the Golden Ticket idea, we make sure that just one bar in each box is topped with something ultra-rare, like chili cherry or something. Or maybe even actual gold flakes! (Which are actually surprisingly cheap) Will YOU be the one to get a golden candy bar today? Rarity posted:This is a combination of all the worst possible things to exist. It's perfect I am disgusted and terrified and really want to try one.
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Oct 4, 2020 12:24
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Seconding the idea of the dual-layered Everything Bar and the Goon Drops Goon Drops in particular could be an actual hit, among some people. Makes me think of Mexican candy - you either love it or hate it!
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Oct 4, 2020 12:28
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This is magical.
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Oct 4, 2020 12:48
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Gingerbread Groverhaus
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Oct 4, 2020 13:53
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I just want to storytell for a second: when I started this thread, I picked a factory picture for our Oompa-Loompa to be standing in that I genuinely thought would be representative of what we might win. I did an image search for “small, boring factory room”. That I would have drastically OVER-estimated the property is just *mwah*
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Oct 4, 2020 15:34
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I can't wait to see what bullshit "riddle" you get.
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Oct 4, 2020 15:38
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Bacter posted:I just want to storytell for a second: when I started this thread, I picked a factory picture for our Oompa-Loompa to be standing in that I genuinely thought would be representative of what we might win. I did an image search for “small, boring factory room”. Ah, so you should've gone with "small boring meth lab"  Also, another idea: the Reverse Pinata! We will sell papier-mache baseball bats full of "yummy" "candy" for people to hit their friends with and release a "tasty" surprise! But, here's the hook - the outside of the bat will be printed with a huge small-print legal disclaimer confirming that the swinger takes full responsibility for any outcome and indemnifying us from any and all legal consequences, with swinging the bat constituting acceptance of a contract! (No, of course we won't get an actual lawyer to write it. Don't be silly.)
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Oct 4, 2020 15:45
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This is amazing. Will be back with candy ideas later.
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Oct 4, 2020 15:49
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I have an idea for a candy
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Oct 4, 2020 18:09
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Pyroi posted:I have an idea for a candy Is it a chocolate Easter pug with some jellybeans in the sack?
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Oct 4, 2020 18:20
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inflatablefish posted:Also, another idea: the Reverse Pinata! We will sell papier-mache baseball bats full of "yummy" "candy" for people to hit their friends with and release a "tasty" surprise! But, here's the hook - the outside of the bat will be printed with a huge small-print legal disclaimer confirming that the swinger takes full responsibility for any outcome and indemnifying us from any and all legal consequences, with swinging the bat constituting acceptance of a contract! I have an idea, too! Reverse Pinata:A big donkey or other fun shape made entirely of assorted candies pasted together, and stuffed full to bursting with papier mache! It'll be a hit at postmodern birthday parties!
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Oct 4, 2020 18:33
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Now it's all well and good to come up with a bunch of disgusting candy ideas. But if there's one thing that Mr. Kline's Wild Ride has taught us so far, it's that turning a candy factory into money is hard. I think we need to take some lessons from him and come up with some potentially-viable business frameworks so that Bacter can keep Goon Drops pumping out. I've got a couple preliminary ideas so far. Seasonality Goon Drops, Uncandy Valley, et al., sure seem to have a gross-out factor baked into them. And while Kline apparently tried to get ambulances to stock his blood candy, we can take the much more obvious route: Halloween. The candy factory operates for a grand total of a month, we sell gross candy to give to kids at Halloween, and the other 11 months of the year we save the overhead expense by simply not making candy. Cadbury Cream Eggs are just chocolate and fondant, but they sure sell a gently caress-ton at Easter. Why? Artificial scarcity. Seasonal candy benefits from that immensely. Just look around at all the "pumpkin spice" bullshit that's starting to appear. We can even leverage that seasonality with candy factory tours. Instead of boring-rear end "this is how candy is actually made" tours, during our one-month season we offer a spooky haunted candy factory tour. Charge admission, take families through stations melting down naughty children into our foul-tasting treats, and sell them some product on their way out. Experiential entertainment is still a hot ticket item, after all. Boutique So, a candy factory looks less like a factory and more like a vet clinic. That's fine! We can turn that run-down-house look to our advantage with a homey, B&B-esque boutique candy shop! This concept still has a factory off in the back, but the public-facing space is a retail candy store. And sure, we have our goony confections on a shelf, but the bread and butter business is selling normal candy. Not candy we made ourselves that is normal, but just stock of Hershey's, Nestle, etc. Being a specialty retailer, we can draw people in with some more esoteric options you won't find at the grocery store (like Japanese KitKat flavors, as an example), and we can make generic bulk candy to sell if we want. We won't be putting Goon Drops on shelves nationwide, but neither was Kline.
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Oct 4, 2020 18:33
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When I clicked on this thread, I expected an LP of some candy factory simulator game. This is so much better oh my god
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Oct 4, 2020 18:50
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CirclMastr posted:Boutique If we wanted to run a candy store then we could just start a candy store 
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Oct 4, 2020 19:12
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CirclMastr posted:
This but the one month it's in operation should be January
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Oct 4, 2020 20:01
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CirclMastr posted:Seasonality I'd contend that Goondrops (one word; they're not called "gum drops", they're gumdrops) can be sold year-round as a small-batch production. I'm aiming for the same kind of market as salted licorice with this product. You know, disgusting candy criminals. Goondrops are designed to appeal to that same kind of profoundly malformed palate. I guarantee, there are going to be people in the world who think Goondrops are the most delicious thing they've ever tasted. Also, since a couple people have made suggestions along these lines, let's not forget that SomethingAwful is not just a comedy forum, it is a company with trademarks and stuff so we can't legally do anything explicitly SA-branded without some form of licensing agreement. Now, for my latest brilliant idea! Chip D. Namel's Chewy Surprise Bar: A thick bar of delicious, chewy candy, filled with the hardest jawbreakers we can produce hidden randomly throughout. It's tooth-shatteringly delicious!
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Oct 4, 2020 21:29
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Do you think they’d get worked up about “something jawful”, a jawbreaker analogue?
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Oct 4, 2020 21:59
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Bacter posted:Do you think they’d get worked up about “something jawful”, a jawbreaker analogue? I'm not a lawyer, but I figure we can make all sorts of neat candies without needing to base all the names on SA stuff. A couple things, like Goondrops, is fine, but most of our products should instead reflect the unique spirit we're bringing to the candy industry. Speaking of which: Taste Masks: Disposable face masks with candy buttons on the inside, so you can snack and observe proper pandemic safety procedures at the same time! Now, I know what you're thinking, this pandemic isn't gonna last forever, but I think afterwards, we're all gonna have a real good sense of humor about the whole thing, and these'll make a great gag gift.
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Oct 4, 2020 22:14
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As much as I understand how much of this is a joke, the project manager in me can't help but react to how much you need one in this case. This isn't exactly my particular field, but I can definitely see a lot of 'cart before the horse' going on here, trying to jump directly into the end product. The question I keep coming back to when I'm reading this is "What is candy?" It sounds like like the dumbest loving question in the world, but if you're trying to create new candy from scratch, having some kind of idea of what that actually means seems pretty useful. After all, this weirdo Klein's only real success was in taking a candy that already existed, making it smaller and changing the flavors.
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Oct 4, 2020 22:40
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I could not possibly agree more. I want to have that “Startup energy”, but with no concrete assessment of what we’re likely to have available (by my estimation: one (1) vermin-ridden shack where they used to neuter household pets), and what we can do with that, we’re setting ourselves up for a real Kleining. Well, as founder and CTO, I pledge to start the process of diagramming workstreams. This thread is for the Wonkas, yes, but by GOD we need oompa loompas.
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Oct 4, 2020 23:01
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This kind of restricted thinking will only constrain our potential. We're a small kid with big dreams and maybe a vet clinic, the sky's the limit
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Oct 4, 2020 23:10
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