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I have a hot business meeting tomorrow but I am a slobbering dumbass and the people at reddit were mean when I begged them for help. What can I say to appear like a savvy business person who can be trusted to handle the big account?
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Jan 30, 2021 15:17
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| # ? May 5, 2024 03:59 |
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Go in with a boombox with that song that goes “why waste your time, you know you wanka be mine” and then cut the volume when it goes “im gonna get you BABY, I’m gonna get you yes I am” and expect the room to sing the chorus. When they don’t know the words, SLAM the boombox on the conference table and say “how in the gently caress are we supposed to reach our demographic if you guys don’t know this song. We are making a time machine to the 90s and if you aren’t on board you are destined for the future and the future SUCKS once skynet is activated. Come on fellas let’s go sell crap to 90s people”
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Jan 30, 2021 15:31
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Tell em you've got an excel spreadsheet with MULTIPLE tabs and you're already preparing a list of participants for the next collaborative meeting.
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Jan 30, 2021 15:32
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Just don't shoot up the place
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Jan 30, 2021 15:33
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OP it seems like you shot up the place just like I didn't recommend you do
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Jan 30, 2021 15:34
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If possible, serve them Welch's Family Farmer Owned Mixed Fruit Fruit Snacks. If not possible due to it being a remote meeting, eat them with your mouth open on camera.
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Jan 30, 2021 15:35
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OK guys we're off to a great start here. Unfortunately I don't have capital for business expenses like "laptops, boom boxes, firearms, or Welch's Family Farmer Owned Mixed Fruit Fruit Snacks." The scenario I'm envisaging involves creating the illusion of competence and intelligence with cheap, cheap words. I need these business sharks to accept me as one of their own without realizing that I am a business sunfish at best.
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Jan 30, 2021 15:46
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ok well that's stupid
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Jan 30, 2021 15:47
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poopnanners posted:OK guys we're off to a great start here. Unfortunately I don't have capital for business expenses like "laptops, boom boxes, firearms, or Welch's Family Farmer Owned Mixed Fruit Fruit Snacks." "blue sky thinking" "touching base" "diversifying assets" "singing from the same hymn sheet" "exploring the paradigm" "leverage the mindshare"
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Jan 30, 2021 15:57
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Big Beef City posted:ok well that's stupid You sound suspiciously like the dean of admissions at my local community college. Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:"blue sky thinking" These are great! I am saving them in my palm pilot now. poopnanners fucked around with this message at 16:05 on Jan 30, 2021 |
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Jan 30, 2021 16:02
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Compliment them the whole time while never mentioning their products or services.
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Jan 30, 2021 16:05
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poopnanners posted:OK guys we're off to a great start here. Unfortunately I don't have capital for business expenses like "laptops, boom boxes, firearms, or Welch's Family Farmer Owned Mixed Fruit Fruit Snacks." First off, Reddit is a pornography and stock trading medium- no more, no less. Second, depending on the industry, you either go full stop and jargon their balls off, OR you do the opposite. Call out the jargon BS and tell them straight facts, buster. Try to think of the dumbest question in your industry, and practice reacting to it in the mirror. Hiding disgust at human incompetence is what we call in the industry a "paradigm shifting strate-plan." Do NOT mention GBS. Goons with Spoons is okay. I still remember a bomb-rear end curry recipe from 10 years ago. You could talk about that- the thing I remember. Sharks have electrical powers, but if you punch them in the nose, they take a poo poo and die. Same applies for humans. "I don't know, but here's what I would do..." is an acceptable answer, except if it's something bog standard and simple. I don't want to hear "I don't know, but here's what I WOULD do" from a doctor or a prostitute about to cut into me. Yeah, you read that right. Iron your loving shirt. Full trimmed beard or nothing. Don't do the " influencer/market interrupter/faking a lupus diagnosis" stubble beard poo poo. If they nerd out on you, slightly nerd back, but don't obsess about it. These people will occupy a good chunk of your life. Wouldn't you want to hang out with cool people? I assume you are also a member of a blacksmithing forum or something. That's all. Good luck with your interview at Ikea. ** Reply to all questions with, "You're a succinate." Grumblepuff fucked around with this message at 16:10 on Jan 30, 2021 |
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Jan 30, 2021 16:06
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I take drugs when I think might have a meeting that I can't handle. Fenibut and some pill that you probably don't have in USA, chemically speaking its Ethylmethylhydroxypyridine succinate
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Jan 30, 2021 16:09
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Don't say "Im gay" too early in the interview
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Jan 30, 2021 16:11
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When is the most appropriate time to establish sexual dominance in a professional meeting?
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Jan 30, 2021 16:13
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poopnanners posted:When is the most appropriate time to establish sexual dominance in a professional meeting? Start now. You need to chain-gently caress people who work for your interviewers to gather enough mana. Spouses get double bonus and increase mobility +10. WTF are they teaching you kids in business school these days?
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Jan 30, 2021 16:15
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Before you sit down at the desk. You have to place your junk on the table before you shake hands and sit down. Try to be as large and smelly as possible, masculine musk adds at least several ounces. Feel free to use padding just not too much.
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Jan 30, 2021 16:17
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If you are a girl, grease up your labia and smack them goob curtains down as if they were a sack, let's not discriminate, here.
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Jan 30, 2021 16:25
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Big Beef City posted:Tell em you've got an excel spreadsheet with MULTIPLE tabs and you're already preparing a list of participants for the next collaborative meeting. Don't see how playing EVE instead of working is going to impress the boss.
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Jan 30, 2021 16:27
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to defeat the huns
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Jan 30, 2021 16:29
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If you really want to seem trustworthy Ol' LAP will help you out. First, always be flipping a coin. Nothing says "I'm a person you can trust with money" more than sitting in shadowy areas flipping a coin. Also, always have a toothpick in your mouth. Make sure you're always flipping it around. Don't forget that you should call your boss Slim and always be challenging people to a game of pool. Tell them you're not very good before you start.
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Jan 30, 2021 16:37
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Study the eel
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Jan 30, 2021 17:46
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I think "leverage" is still okay to use. "I'd leverage the team's experience to develop a solution". Don't use "synergy" though. That one was always bad and kind of wrecks the bluff.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:02
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Make sure to mention that Gandalf was known as "Olorin" during his youth in Valinor.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:06
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Mooey Cow posted:Make sure to mention that Gandalf was known as "Olorin" during his youth in Valinor. Use the Music of the Ainur to explain how you would problem solve conflicts between coworkers.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:10
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Do you know anyone more competent that owes you a tremendous favor? If so, get one of those low profile ear buds and have them tell you appropriate responses in your ear, while they listen from the next room with a glass cup up against the wall.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:13
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Big Beef City posted:Tell em you've got an excel spreadsheet with MULTIPLE tabs and you're already preparing a list of participants for the next collaborative meeting. While you were relaxing at home with your friends and family I studied the vlookup While you went out for a few drinks with Bob from work on friday I made a pivot table showing monthly distribution of sales While you were posting on "the net" I built a macro to make my job 5 percent more effivient And now that you have a meeting you DARE ask me for help??
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Jan 30, 2021 18:14
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make the ahegao face during the call, op. people seem to love it speak in a high pitched baby-like voice and call everyone "daddy" regardless of gender
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Jan 30, 2021 18:16
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Best Bi Geek Squid posted:make the ahegao face during the call, op. people seem to love it I can't stress this enough --- do NOT make the ahegao face.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:18
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Wear a Hawaii shirt and change your teams background to a island beach or something. BUT wear a tie, this is crucial. You'll be known as a fun dude, laid back, but professional. Will go far, seems to own an island??
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Jan 30, 2021 18:21
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Son of Rodney posted:While you were relaxing at home with your friends and family Lisa needs bar graphs! SCATTER CHARTS
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Jan 30, 2021 18:23
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Big Beef City posted:Lisa needs bar graphs! Why, there are only #Value! Errors In these cells too, is my formula really that wrong? No, it's the format that's wrong. Also legit lol, good job champ
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Jan 30, 2021 18:30
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two words: laser. pointer.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:31
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If you absolutely must make the ahegao face try to gauge the rooms reaction. If the clients do not seem to be enjoying it, quickly excuse yourself saying you are having an allergic reaction. You may be able to reschedule and still win the contract.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:31
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If it's a video meeting what I like to do is hang two different posters on opposite walls just off camera. One of Naruto, and one of Boondock Saints. Once I get a feel for the meeting I start subtly nudging camera in the appropriate direction.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:41
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Getting down to business... Everyday?
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Jan 30, 2021 18:44
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don't forget to let them know you'll touch base with them later, business types love to touch bases iykwim
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Jan 30, 2021 18:46
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Excessive base touching leads to blindness and number growth
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Jan 30, 2021 18:50
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Explain everything through Harry Potter references.
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Jan 30, 2021 18:54
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look, i got a lot of brass tacks in the fire right now, maybe we can hash out a sit down at a future time when my synergy chakras are in better alignment with the paradigm shift?
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Jan 30, 2021 19:01
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